March 20, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post we are continuing to have a look at how one can bring that which one desire in another back to oneself. What was interesting in what we found in the last post is that when I sought a ‘team’ in my agreement with my partner, that he helps and support me and I brought it back to myself, what it revealed was in fact that I have been against myself. Because I’ve been against myself, I’ve created an outward seeking solution instead of turning back to myself and take self-responsibility.
Here’s the previous blogs in the series:
- The Secret to a Fulfilling Relationship: DAY 189
- Save The Sinner! DAY 188
- How can I Establish Self-Integrity? DAY 187
- A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
In my last post I more applied self-forgiveness on the fact that I am against myself at all and also on how I’ve searched outside myself for fulfillment and accept. So in this post I’ll more look into how I’ve lived this point of walking against myself.
So these are the points I’ve identified:
1.) Backchat and self-judgment
2.) Self-Sabotage through participating in backchat/urges
3.) Inferiorizing myself within and through backchat to be/do/live inferiorized as less than what I can/could be
So what is interesting to see is how the way that I am walking against with myself is something I first and foremost do through accepting and allowing myself to stand inside myself – against myself. It is a starting-point in and through which I accept and determine ‘who I am’. And as such backchat or inner conversations are the way that I elicit the stance that I’ve already taken towards myself of being against myself. So one could say that the stance is me being against myself and the actions I take through that is how I walk against myself. Something that is quite fucked up about this is that I experience a form of resistance towards opening up this point to myself. It’s crazy that one can fear losing a part of oneself through and within which one has been abusive towards self or others and simultaneously not wanting to free oneself.
I remember being against myself for quite some years. When I look back through my life there were these moments of ‘surfacing’ where I saw what I was doing and how it was detrimental where I decided to support myself instead and those are the moments where I’ve moved exponentially. The rest of the time it is like I’ve been under a spell of self-judgment and diminishment.
I can see how this is a point that at the moment is not entirely specified – meaning that it is huge in terms of the influence and branching out and multi-dimensional layering it has had in my life. So I will return to the last place where I was clear which was the point of looking at what it is I am desiring in my partner and then bring it back to myself.
So then the question would be:
As Who/how am I not living self-help?
As Who/how am I not living self-support?
As Who/how am I not living as a team with/as myself?
So here we’re looking at points that are important to walking this process effectively and that I’ve not been giving to myself absolutely or significantly so.
In my next post I will return and apply self-forgiveness in context to these questions.
Thanks for walking-with.
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