March 18, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog post we are continuing with the Relationship series where we are specifically focusing on the strongest reactions experienced in a relationship. We still have to walk the ‘awkward around boys’ point out but there are some more pressing matters.
Here are the previous blogs in the series for context:
- How can I Establish Self-Integrity? DAY 187
- A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
- Awkward around Boys – The Dimensions of the Pattern: DAY 180
When people go into a relationship, they tend to be seeking for something in the other: love, security, sex, inspiration, status. Especially in sex is it common that each partner has certain ideas about how they are to be fulfilled and satisfied through sex and through love through sex. As such we spend our relationships focusing on what the other should give to us or did not give to us and often the relationships fall because one or both partners did not experience themselves getting that which they were searching for. And as such, they keep searching – surfing on relationships like trying to find the perfect wave. And so we tend to blame our partners for not being there enough for us, for not being experienced enough in having sex, for being too experienced and moving too fast. And we move onto the next relationship in the hope that this time it will all be better and maybe he/she is the key to our eternal happiness and completion. But that moment never arrives. Why? Because the person that one was looking for, was here all along: oneself.
In this and the coming blog posts we will look at how one can take all of the points that one is experiencing that one is not getting from one’s partner and actually utilize this as a mirror in bringing those points back to oneself.
So here are some statements we will work with through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application that I’ve identified for myself as the primary points I’ve :
“I wish my partner would be more ‘connecting’ with me, touching and hugging me, looking me deep in the eyes, and kissing me. I feel like he/she is cold and inapproachable.”
“I wish I could talk more with my partner and have deep and meaningful conversations”
“Why does my partner never want to help me when I ask him/her? They don’t support me. I wish we were a team, a real team.”
So to bring these statements back to oneself in utilizing and in acknowledging how one is in fact seeing myself in one’s partner, we will here walk through each point.
1) Here I can ask myself questions to determine how this point that I desire to get from my partner is in fact something that I’m not giving to myself. One can then write out the point for oneself for example as follows:
So a particular desire towards my partner has been a desire for hugs, kisses and for him to touch me and look me in the eyes. I’ve interpreted this as a component in a ‘real successful relationship’ which I’ve basically gotten from movies and tv-series.
(So here I am not only identifying points in myself that I’ve projected onto my partner but also that some of my desires are not actually real because they’re based on fantasies and delusions. I will then work in self-forgiveness and through self-corrective application with releasing these desires from within and as me.)
When I look at the desire to connect with my partner and bring it back to myself, it would then be the desire to ‘connect’ with myself – but that doesn’t make any sense because I am already ‘connected’ – meaning, I am already here in this physical body that is as connected to the real physical world. So I see that I within the desire to ‘connect’ with myself is more a desire to connect myself – meaning bringing myself back together as the parts I’ve split myself into and as – for example in splitting the body and the mind. The other point I see is with regards to touching and hugging and looking deep in the eyes which also can be seen in context to ‘connecting’ is more specific in terms of how I can see that I’ve been living with my physical body in a way that has been totally disconnected and not in any way supportive. So I see how the love and care that I desire from my partner is actually merely the equilibrium that I was supposed to live in/as with myself and that has been corrupted – that I have corrupted through my participation in and as the mind – in separation from myself here in and as the physical. So here the solution is to give that to myself as caring, consideration and gentleness that I’ve sought in another, basically self-love.
2) This one I see is similar but it has to do with how I’ve not communicated effectively with/as/within myself especially in terms of utilizing writing to support myself to become self-honest. It pertains to how I’ve not walked absolutely with myself in steady self-honest communication but instead have suppressed myself and judged myself and been very hard on myself. So the solution is to make a decision to communicate with/as/within myself which I can start doing through 1) writing, 2) speaking out loud with myself and 3) communicate with/as/within myself through breathing and being here with/within/as my human physical body in feeling the body’s responses and the experiences that I accept and allow within and as myself
3) With this one, I see how I’ve not been walking in/as self-support and as such helping myself. Here I see that I have a clear tendency to turn my attention towards others, helping others, wanting to be helped by others. So the point is then to look at how and in which situations I am not helping myself. Basically the word ‘team’ says it quite accurately. And it is also not the first time it has come up in my life where I’ve realized that I can’t live effectively if I am against myself, yet I will say that I am actually generally quite against myself. So I see that this actually the most important point for me to direct, because if I am against myself how can I love and support myself. How can I give myself care and consideration when I basically don’t like myself at all? And then, in a way, it is no wonder that I’ve been searching for this outside myself because I knew I would not find it within me – but what did not realize was that I was looking for myself in separation from myself.
Alright – so what we will be doing now is to begin walking a self-forgiveness process on the points that has come up here, specifically focusing on and starting with the point of ‘walking against myself’ or ‘being against myself’ – because we have now identified that this is the primary point of concern or problem within this context. Yet we will still walk each point schematically so as to ensure that we direct all points and take them through to correction, change and realignment. A point to note is that as I’ve walked around in my daily participation I have not at all given attention to the fact that I am basically walking against myself. No, because my entire focus has been on what my partner does or does not give to me – which must say to be self-interested and egotistical to say the least, not to mention delusional. As obviously that’s why relationships fail and people jump from relationship to relationship without ever being satisfied. Because they are constantly blaming others for their own inner experience and are thus making others responsible that can’t possibly take responsibility for them and as such they’ve done nothing put place themselves into a corner.
Walking against myself – not standing as a ‘Team’ within/as/with myself
I will begin the self-forgiveness process with the last point of ‘being a team with myself’ as I see that this is the most pressing as that is what affects all the other points.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I have actually been walking my life and this process in being against myself, never having actually stopped myself from being against myself, but for fleeting moments of realizations – and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead turn my attention outside of myself in looking for acceptance/love/integrity/validation/attention/care/consideration outside of myself – in separation from myself – all because I was walking against myself instead of walking with/within/as myself here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy myself in my projection onto others in constantly thinking about and reacting to and worrying about how and why they are apparently not fulfilling me in the way that I want to be fulfilled and feel loved and wanted and appreciated and respected and accepted – and within that completely obliterate myself to the fact that I am the one who is causing myself to experience this longing/lack to begin with through accepting and allowing myself to be against myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency and an addiction towards being against myself where I don’t want to stop being against myself and I can’t even explain why – I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become comfortable being against myself having even forgotten why I am against myself, it is simply how I’ve allowed and accepted myself to exist within myself in a relationship with myself of constant conflict and friction. Within this, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the simplicity in the answer that there is no real or common sense reason for why I am against myself – however through this state of mind, I am accepting and allowing myself to constantly and continuously generate energy for the mind where I use personal information about myself to defame and judge myself actively to generate energy without being aware that this is what I am doing.
Because I can see how a part of me does not want to stop being against myself and I can see that this doesn’t make any sense. So it is like I am standing before a change in paradigms inside myself in terms of whom and what I accept and allow being the directive principle of and as me. I’ve ‘flirted’ with self-acceptance, self-support and self-love before – but I’ve never actually taken the full step into the decision of stopping being against myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself to be against myself as a reaction to the fact that I as a child experienced that it was pointless to be against (oppose/resist) others as I realized that I didn’t get anywhere with that and so I see that I found an ‘escape’ in instead being against myself – which is absolutely absurd and fuzzy logic in how I deliberately threw myself to the world – also in spite and blame – as saying: “see, what you’re doing to me, this is your fault —- world, mom — my misery is your fault. But I was the one creating the misery to begin with.
So I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to being against myself and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to get some form of sadistic kick out of spiting/hating/judging/ridiculing and disregarding myself.
I’ve written about this before on several occasions but now that I open it up I can see how I have not walked through it, but instead only ‘flirted’ with self-love and self-acceptance.
In my next blog I will continue with writing self-forgiveness on being against myself and consequently I will apply the required self-corrective application.
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