March 15, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog post I am scripting for myself the final self-commitment statements in this miniseries I’ve done on the point of reacting in anger when and as I’ve seen someone do something that I’ve perceived as unacceptable.
Here’s the previous blogs in the series:
- How can I Establish Self-Integrity? DAY 187
- A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
Let’s jump straight into it:
When and as I see that I’m accepting and allowing myself to go into and as an experience of self-righteousness and superiority when and as I see another do something that I’ve defined as unacceptable – I commit myself to stop myself and say: “hey girl, what are you doing?” And then I commit myself to take a deep breath and relocate myself here in my body and remind myself that I am in that moment accepting and allowing myself to follow a polarity encryption program where I am literally gloating over another’s apparent failure as a human being which, when and as I am in the exact same position I am extremely hard on myself and therefore hold myself within and as a grib of polarity as energy fluctuation where I according to how I and others act, defines one as morally good and the other as morally bad and then use these roles to create friction, conflict and competition people between. I commit myself to stop participating within and as moral superiority and inferiority as I’ve now seen, realized and understood that whether something is unacceptable or not has to do with practicality and practical consequences and as such a real morality is based on an assessment of practical consequences and NOT on an emotional definition of what is right and wrong that is abstract, arbitrary and inconsistent and therefore can be used and manipulate to satisfy one’s own desires through claiming them to be morally superior.
When and as I see that I am blaming another for doing something I’ve defined as unacceptable, I stop myself and I breathe and when I’ve stopped the experience of reacting in blame I commit myself to have a look at what it is of and as myself that I am projecting onto another to deliberately distract myself from myself and turn my attention towards someone else. Because I’ve now seen, realized and understood that blame is an indicator that I’ve separated myself from myself in and as a particular point and through that have separated outside myself onto someone else. I see, realize and understand that I’ve used blame to make a scapegoat out of another person so as to separate myself from my own evil inside and as me and so that I could suppress it and hide it away and then when the other acts in a way that I perceive as ‘evil’ or unacceptable, that’s when I’ll feel confronted and want to eradicate their behavior and even eradicate them, like getting them out of my site – not in fact because what they’ve done is unacceptable – which is what I’ve used to justify this for myself – but because it is myself that I am facing as a part of myself I’ve abdicated and refused to take responsibility for. Because why would I otherwise react so strongly? Why would it scare me so much when I see someone doing something I perceive to be unacceptable? As such I also commit myself to redefine how I look at blame, not as something I judge myself for having participated in or that I feverishly hold onto because I fear losing ‘being right’ – because I see, realize and understand how blame is a signal that there’s a part of myself here that I have the opportunity to take responsibility for.
When and as I see another acting or expressing themselves in a way I’ve defined as unacceptable and I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into an experience of fear of being ‘tainted’ by the ‘bad behavior’ or ‘malevolence’ that I perceive the other to be expressing – I stop myself and I take a deep breath. I flag this experience for myself here so that when and as I access this fear, I have this point of reference to myself so that I can stop myself from participating further in this fear. Because I see, realize and understand that the only reason I’d fear being tainted by another is because that point already exists within and as me, because why else would I fear it? If I was ‘oh so pure’ wouldn’t I simply stick to that and stand on my two feet? Wouldn’t I simply then assist another to also become pure? Yes. So therefore the fear I experience is actually not a fear of being tainted but a fear of being exposed and exposing myself as tainted that I’ve already accepted myself as where I feel threatened on my self-delusional/deceptive self-definition of myself as ‘oh so pure’ when and as I recognize my own malevolence in the actions of another. I commit myself to face my fear of my own evil and malevolence through providing myself with a space to open myself up – in writing with myself in self-support giving myself the opportunity to lay all my cards on the table and actually forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed and actually allow myself to let go of my own malevolence in a decision to live in a way where I am not harmful to myself or to others. I commit myself to forgive myself for my sins and I commit myself to stop accepting myself as a sinner because I see, realize and understand that it is through accepting myself as a sinner that I’ve justified the existence of sin.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty and that I am accessing blame towards myself for not caring or for being malevolent, I stop myself and I flag this experience for myself, often experienced as a knot in my solar plexus that is activated as soon as I think about what I have done from within guilt. I breathe and stabilize myself here, because I see, realize and understand now, that blaming myself is no different than blaming another. The only difference is that there’s no physical ‘other’ but I am still abdicating a part of myself onto another part through projection and separation as indicated by the two entities involved in “I” and “myself”. And so I see, realize and understand that the experience of guilt I’ve activated is actually a sneaky form of justification because within it I’ve hidden my true agenda of accepting myself in and as the point of malevolence. So I commit myself to stop all experiences of guilt as I’ve now seen, realized and understood that they are an indication of the opposite of what they portray so therefore I know that if I feel guilty it is because I’ve already and am still accepting that which I feel guilty towards. As such I commit myself to identify what it is I feel guilty towards and to realign myself within and as a practical application of change as for example stopping doing that which I feel guilty towards. I commit myself to stop all pretense that I am caring and considerate and to instead face myself as the points and parts of myself where I don’t care and where I am not considerate, so that I can actually develop a real care for myself and for what is here as everyone. I commit myself to stop judging myself for being evil and to stop trying to hide and cover-up my own evil nature, because I see, realize and understand that I won’t be able to change – and I won’t have changed – if I don’t face myself AS the evil so that I can in fact direct myself to change. I commit myself to stop playing nice out of fear that people will see the real evil inside and as me – because I see, realize and understand that the evil is actually completely obvious and in our faces – the world shows that clearly even though we ignore it and therefore I realize that it is not possible to hide evil because it is evident in its consequential outflows and I realize that facing evil is imperative to direct ourselves as it to change so therefore I commit myself to stop playing nice if and as it is not necessary to the particular situation I am in. I realize that this is something I require walking in and as a process as I’ve automated the point of playing nice to such an extent that I simply experience myself as a ‘nice and good person’ in certain situations and with certain people.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into and as an experience of anger and rage that I take upon me as a suit based on the belief that that is what one is supposed to do when directing something that’s unacceptable, I simply stop myself and breathe and direct myself to speak here, directively and clearly. And I commit myself to flag this moment for myself where I’d make the decision to go into anger and become angry so that I can stop myself and prevent myself from accessing the experience at all. I commit myself to stop using anger to try and control another through intimidation because I see, realize and understand that it is not necessary in fact and that it is rather an indication of how I experience myself as desperate, powerless and fearful towards directing the situation within which I then actually require to first of all return to myself and clear my starting-point before communicating with another. I commit myself to let go of the fear of confronting another and I commit myself to let go of the fear that I will give up because I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself and on the principle of what is best for all. I commit myself to stop prioritizing being liked and popular by others over standing up for a world that is best for all and so I commit myself to walk with myself in practicing when I have the opportunity to stand up and direct such situations in common sense and stability within and as myself.
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