March 13, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog we are continuing with relationship characters and patterns, specifically a pattern that I’ve discovered through how I was reacting to another when I perceived then as ‘doing something unacceptable’ which I sourced back to a childhood memory and experience which I then was able to distill into two particular points: projecting my own unacceptable behavior onto the other – or rather where the reaction to the other reveals that I am projecting OR where I literally have backed out of standing up for what is best in a particular situation but where I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a state of fear of being hurt, rejected or ridiculed by the other and so compromise my own integrity because of fear. As such I’ve identified that this point is about integrity to begin with as both points reveal how I’ve not stood within and as self-integrity in standing up for what is best in a particular moment.
In one of the previous blogposts I for example described the memory of seeing boys from my kindergarten pulling legs off a spider and I told them to stop and when they did not I gave up and walked away. And I’ve done that since actually. This is also a particular point in relationships – if I say No to someone more than once for example and they don’t ‘respect’ it, I have tended to simply give up – but also within all of this is the point of blame.
Here’s the previous blogs in the series:
- A Note on The Corruption of Self-Integrity: DAY 184
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
So – in this blog post, I will be working with scripting self-corrective statements so that I have a platform from which I can direct myself to change in my daily participation with other people. That’s it.
First of all:
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to resist writing a point out within an experience of not wanting to let go of myself as the point I plan to write about – I stop and I breathe and I push myself to write because I see, realize and understand that obviously resistance to write because I don’t want to let go of something that I’ve identified myself as and with is utter bullshit considering how if writing about it can ‘threaten’ it’s existence as me or my identification as it, then it surely cannot be real – because I am real, I am here, I can’t be erased through writing about myself, so if a part of me can be erased by me writing about it, then it surely cannot be real – and then if I adhere to the resistance that I experience, that’s clearly like a firewall program – then I’m saying that the illusion is real and I am doing myself a disservice in not actually getting to the bottom of who I am as this part of myself and whether or not it is beneficial and real or not. So therefore: I commit myself to push through resistance and to remind myself when and as I am experiencing resistance that “THIS IS A PROGRAM, IT IS NOT REAL” Resistance does not refer to something that should be avoided but a specific programmed experience that serves the purpose of keeping me away from certain specific points. When and as I see that I am resisting letting go of a part of myself I commit myself to investigate myself as this part to get to the bottom of whether or not this is really who I am and whether it is beneficial and best for me to live and express
When and as I see that I am reacting to another in seeing inside myself that what they’re doing is unacceptable either through a reaction of fear/disgust/judgment/anger or blame I stop myself. I remind myself that because I am reacting, I am not in fact seeing the other, myself or the situation clearly and therefore I cannot trust what I see in that moment to be real and instead require realigning myself through first stopping the reaction and clear myself before looking at and acting according to the matter at hand. As such I commit myself to prevent myself from attacking another in blame or pushing them away in disgust and I commit myself to when and as I see that I am reacting to another – to bring the point back to myself. I have for example noticed that if I over an extended period of time am compromising myself, I am also more likely to ‘see’ that another is compromising me and therefore react towards them – but obviously what I was reacting towards was the reflection of myself. I commit myself to walk this correction through to its end – till I am clear of reactions towards seeing what I perceive to be unacceptable behavior – and whether it is in fact unacceptable or not, I commit myself to direct the point in common sense stability and to include the other person in how I direct the point. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve perceived the other as an enemy and as someone I had to push away – only because they were exposing to me in serving as a mirror through my perception of them – of myself.
I will continue in my next post with the commitment statements.
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