March 8, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog we are going to look further at the simultaneous point of compromising one’s own integrity through not standing up in the face of abuse as well as the point of provoking an experience of indignation so as to actually hide one’s own malevolence through pushing it away and onto another in blaming them. It is quite fascinating that these two points can co-exist in the same point of experience. But where do they come together? In the solution that it was one’s own integrity that one had not established and as such that one requires investigating and establishing. Here I suggest reading the previous blog posts in this series to understand the context of what I’ll be walking through.
- Caving in to Perceived Indifference instead of Standing up: DAY 181
- Cruel Kids Killing Spiders as a Mirror of Myself: DAY 182
- Pure Evil Gone Goodie-Two-Faced DAY 183
So basically, if I had had self-integrity I would have simply stood my ground. I saw the boys pulling legs of the spiders and I would walk over to them steadfast and certain without any energetic experience – AND I would understand them as myself because I would stand one and equal to them. This is certainly a clue too, because in judging and blaming one is placing oneself ‘above’ and as such uses this as a tactic to move oneself away from the other – literally separating oneself from the other – while all along what and who one is separating oneself from: is oneself. Secondly the fact that I caved in, in making a decision of 1) fear and 2) desire I also revealed my own inner ‘weakness’ of where I would cave to the mind just like I did in that situation. I could have insisted that the boys stop pulling legs of the spiders. I could have stood there. I could have placed myself in an expression of authority. I could have explained to them the consequence had I understood them myself.
And then also, me getting angry and blaming another for being ‘uncivilized’ or for living unprincipled reflects back an inner conflict in myself with and as myself that indicates that I am not sorted out within me what it comes to integrity – because otherwise why would I require such a boasted expression to get my point across? Why would I fear being tainted by their negativity and corruption? Because I am the one who is corrupted. That’s why I don’t have the integrity to stand up for that which I see is unacceptable and has to be subverted. That’s why in such situations I get angry and start to blame instead of direct the situation: because I am faced with my own corrupted self and the fact that I’ve not directed it in and to self-integrity. And concurrently, the point of self-integrity has actually been one of the main points that I’ve been looking at lately in realizing that I don’t even fully understand what integrity is or how to live it. Because throughout my life I’ve applied some deliberately anti-integrity principles of for example breaking my own boundaries and seeing that as a good thing and believing I was weak when I heard/felt/resonated a STOP! Inside myself. So I will be walking integrity in conjunction with these blogs and investigate integrity from scratch so that I can develop a sound common sensical expression of integrity within and as myself.
In my next post I’ll continue with the self-corrective statements to yesterday’s post.
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