How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177

February 28, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life

Shame 846x1024 How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177Desteni is the only group, forum, community, culture of its kind on the planet. There may be small groups of individuals who have seen what we’ve seen, but nowhere does anyone share the message we share in the way we do at Desteni. And if they did, we would walk with them, just like we’re walking with/as Desteni – as ourselves. Of all the world’s activist, political, spiritual, revolutionary, philosophical, humanitarian groups on earth – none speak about what we speak about at Desteni.

And after one has heard the message and confirmed it for oneself in cross-referencing with one’s own life, what one realizes through the Desteni material seems SO obvious. But before Desteni it was not obvious. Before Desteni I was totally and completely blind, I was running around as a blind person believing I could see, constantly running into dead end walls in my self-delusion. With Desteni it is not so that you suddenly open your eyes and by magic you can see again – no. It is more like being sat down, firmly and gently and being assisted to slow down and realize that “yes, I am blind.” From there one can then begin the process within oneself of sourcing the bright light that one has blinded oneself with through the mind.

Yesterday I looked at this for myself, how incredibly humbling it in fact is to have ‘found’ the only ‘keyhole’ in the entire world that shows the way through this mess we’ve brought ourselves in on earth. (This doesn’t mean that one can just walk through ‘the door’ though, because one still has to become the actual key to changing life on earth, first within and as oneself).

I can’t exactly explain why I found Desteni at a deeper or more existential level. All I know is that I was at a complete dead-end in my spiritual seeking. I literally kept ‘hitting’ the same ‘dead-end’ of realizing that ‘we’re all one!’ — lol, at first it was all “wow, this is amazing, this changes everything!!!” but then it became more a question of: “okay… and now what?”. And so I started searching around on YouTube for any and all spiritual quick-fix to basically rid myself of myself. And what I found was Desteni. And so what I saw yesterday as I looked at this point is how many dead-ends there are out there and how small the possibility of one finding Desteni is considering all the distractions ‘out there’ in ‘the matrix’. Standing with Desteni is not something to be taken for granted. It is actually a great responsibility in the possibility it gives a person. So this is the focus on my here self-forgiveness that I walk and script for myself so as to enable myself to stand in walking with Desteni at my utmost potential.

Today I read a blog by Bernard Poolman about shame and how the shame that we experience as humans are not real shame, because if it was real shame, we would change ourselves. This is something I have experienced extensively and felt quite good about ‘feeling bad for’ the suffering animals in the world or illiterate children. But never did I do anything about it. I was content with my make-believe shame through which I held my own deception of benevolence in place. I am not even sure I know what real shame is – but I do know is that I constantly and continuously, every single day feel ashamed of who I am, as a person and as a human being or an entity existing in a breathing body. Today I also read a blog by Leila Zamora Moreno that is about being a spoiled brat. You can read it here. Leila explains how it was participating with Desteni that ultimately assisted her to stop being a spoiled brat. And so both of these blogs come together for me in the point of having taken Desteni and what we’re doing here and the opportunity I have here – for granted.

In his blog Bernard says that:

Those WITHOUT SHAME is NOT WORTHY of the Gift of Life – If you Need another to SHOW you How SHAMEFUL you are, you are LOST and what this Means is that You have LOST the Gift of Life. You have FAILED the TEST of Life – You are but an Illusion that soon will Return to Breath, and Life will be Gifted TO Another and it WILL NOT BE YOU!

I resisted placing this quote because it rings true for me. Because it is easy enough to say that one is ashamed and that one sees that what we’re accepting and allowing on earth is unacceptable, but to change one’s entire life and living based on this shame? Few go to that extent, if any. So I agree. This statement fits me. It speaks to me. Because yes, I did not bring myself to the point of shame. And yes I am lost and yes I have lost the gift of life and yes I have failed the test of life. And thus yes, I am an illusion. The question is: what am I going to do about it?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and admit that the constant nagging feeling of pain and discomfort within and as my physical body and how I constantly feel haunted and uneasy and have trouble breathing is in fact shame of/as who I am as the knowing of who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and the cover-up of this very truth of myself that I’ve lulled myself into and under

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to every time I am faced with the shame of who I am in seeing the reflection of my own evil in the world or on my physical body and the consequences of my acceptances and allowances to immediately push the shame away and do a ‘lalalalalalala!’ over it and cover my eyes so that I don’t have to see or feel shame and can continue doing what I was doing ‘without consequence’

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to push real shame away – which is actually to the only part of me with the potential to be real for then to construct a fake, ego-based shame ‘for show’ that I preoccupy myself with day in and day out as I cry over the cruelty of humanity to cover up, endorse and justify the continuation of my blatant disregard for life. By blatant disregard for life, I am specifically referring to KNOWING what I am doing, yet doing it anyway because I don’t care.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to disregard and dismiss my own blatant disregard for life through KNOWING what I am doing, yet doing it anyway because I don’t care – specifically in terms of participating in abuse of any and all sort as insignificant and irrelevant to the context of this blog post – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding and admitting to myself that it is this blatant disregard for life that is the core of this blog and why and how I am here

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to write about and speak about my own blatant disregard of life -.- which is deliberate evil, like seeing someone suffering and stepping on them or spiting on them or laughing or simply walking by with a shrug – - without any form of shame at all within me. Instead I write with a kind of cocky smugness of my own ability to form sentences – WTF?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct a daily routine of hiding from myself as shame and hiding myself as shame from myself by entertaining myself inside my mind with thoughts, dramas, emotions and feelings, backchat, desires and imagination where I walk around inside my mind in my own little Hollywood movie and celebrity city while I am moving my physical body around as a slave that can have no life or expression of its own but only serve my needs

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how the shame of who I am is and can be the key to standing up and still I have claimed that I was ‘searching for myself’ and looking for that part of me where I could motivate myself to stand up and find the will inside of me to stand up. As such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I was searching for my own lie in that they key was to be honest with myself

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to come up with the idea that I can use the suffering of animals especially to motivate myself to stand up, so that I, every time I saw that I was slacking could think about how many animals are being abused right now in this moment and thus generate shame within myself to motivate myself to move. Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand the total and absolute arrogance and spitefulness that I accepted and allowed myself to live in my apparent ‘will to move’ in how I required animals to suffer for me to be willing to move myself. Within this I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not stop up and ask myself “Hey, what am I doing here?” and I forgive myself that I’ve instead been preoccupying myself within and as a self-victimizing personality of claiming that “I WANT to change, and I DON’T KNOW what’s wrong with me but I CAN’T!!!!”

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself that I want to change, that I don’t know what’s wrong with me so that I don’t change and that I can’t in fact change – because the fact of the matter is that if I wanted to change I would have, which gives me the answer to my next point, which is that what is wrong with me is that I don’t want to change and finally the only reason why I can’t change is because I don ‘t want to. I see how the loop that I’ve made here is one were I use my authority to victimize myself to abdicate self-responsibility. That becomes then an infinite loop – unless and until I stop abdicating my authority to self-victimization to avoid consequences of who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become.

dunce How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take Desteni for granted and to take for granted the opportunity that has emerged for me through finding Desteni, though not utilizing every single moment to dedicate myself to stop the mind, to change and stand up for/as what is best for all. As such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to take Desteni for granted as I’ve taken everything else for granted, including life itself.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand or admit to myself in self-honesty that the reason why I am constantly angry at myself, disappointed, unsatisfied, unstable, unclear, self-dishonest, self-sabotaging – is because of THE SHAME OF WHO I AM that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to stand in or as, as the truth of who I am but that I’ve done nothing but try to run from because I KNOW that once I face and embrace myself within and as the REAL SHAME of who I am, there is no other choice but to stand self-responsible for myself in all ways.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to convince myself and seduce myself ever so subtly and ever so forcefully that ‘real freedom’ comes with ‘doing what I want when I want it and not care about what anyone else says’ – which stands in direct contrast and opposition to the point of taking self-responsibility, of being humble, of embracing the shame of who I am and of developing actual care for myself and everyone else in this existence.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not live according to the fact that who I am as the mind can’t be trusted and within that realization place preventive measures for myself of self-support to ensure that I can guide myself to become self-honest and to guide myself through this process of walking through the mind – in this, I forgive myself that I’ve instead accepted and allowed myself to walk my daily participation in more or less total randomness, resistance and chaos and only doing the bare minimum of what I’ve defined as ‘walking process’ – well-KNOWING that WALKING PROCESS IS IN EVERY SECOND OF EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND IN ALL ETERNITY HEREAFTER – walking process is not something we do as a hobby to other alternative lifestyles or something that can be done with the right hand while the left hand goes about its business as a consumer in the capitalist system. It is either ALL IN OR NOT AT ALL.

As such, I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be brutally honest with myself in the simplistic realization that either I am walking all in or I am not and if I am not walking all in, I have the tools of self-support to assist and support myself to purify whatever corruption I’ve exposed myself to and contaminated myself with – and as such also walk with myself in a form of ‘state of emergency’ or ‘martial law’ which basically means to not fall back into the complacency of ‘everything is fine’ but to make sure that I am constantly emergent in terms of checking in with and directing myself. Because I see how I’ve sunken into complacency and slipped through the backdoors of my imagination through basically not being here with myself – at all.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not at all see, realize or understand that there is no value or purpose in life besides stopping the mind as authority and establishing life here in and as the physical as authority and as such stop the madness and abuse and suffering that we as human beings through our participation in the mind have created. Or at least, this is the primary purpose for me at the moment. Whatever expansion is possible after stopping the mind, I am not going to speculate because I’ve got my hands full as it is.

I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to abuse words through speaking words of change that I did not live and as such deceived myself through words which means that I’ve contaminated the tool of speaking and writing words with self-dishonesty which means that I have created a consequence for myself where I can’t trust my own words and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not STOP and focus on the point of purifying my words and my self-trust so as to create a foundation of self-honesty from where I can rebuild myself in actual self-direction and self-trust.

I commit myself to embrace myself as shame. I commit myself to understand that shame is nothing to be feared or pushed away because shame is the only self-honest starting-point I’ve got for change: the shame of that which I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, as a human being, as polarity, as the mind. I commit myself to walk with shame as myself, not as a point of motivation of negative energy but as a point of self-honesty. And I commit myself to make clear for myself the distinction between fake shame as deception that I as the ego of the mind have used to carry on abusing without taking responsibility for the consequences and real shame as facing the truth of who I am. I see, realize and understand that I can’t change without facing the truth of who I am and therefore if I am not changing, it means that I’ve not faced the truth of who I am and thus that I’ve not been self-honest. I commit myself to return to myself in walking this process within and for myself in the darkness of my physical body where I am alone with myself and my thoughts, imagination, backchat, desires and fears.

And I commit myself to practically establish self-trust, self-honesty and self-integrity through focusing on the menial things in my day-to-day living where I KNOW that I have been deliberately compromising myself and this process and thus life for the sake of a quick laugh or a fuck basically –thus, I commit myself walk with myself in becoming the authority of myself in stopping participation in backchat through which I generate the ‘move’ to act on excuses and justifications.

But first and foremost, I commit myself to walk this process – and I commit myself to walk even though I am scared and I don’t trust myself and I doubt myself and I basically believe that it will never work, because I see, realize and understand that I can’t trust my beliefs or feelings – which I’ve just established – but what I can trust is the anchor of physical application which has been cross-referenced by those who walk with and before me as well as by the points that I have in fact changed in myself and my participation through the practical application of writing and self-forgiveness. As such, I commit myself to honor the tool of writing – as I see, realize and understand that every writing is a potential pop of a bubble of the mind if and as I direct my writings to the utmost of my potential. As such: when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in resistance towards writing or where I experience a desire and a temptation towards watching something while I write so that I don’t actually have to be here with myself while I write – I stop myself and I push myself to write anyway.

Addiction and low self esteem2 How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177I commit myself to walk the point of practicing and establishing the self-application and self-discipline of applying self-forgiveness out loud in moments where I see that I react because I see that this is one of the primary points in which I’ve compromised myself in allowing points to fester and grow and accumulate without me in any way directing myself to stop and in fact doing the exact opposite of enticing the reactions to escalate. So therefore – this is a commitment I make to myself, in directing points as they come up – which means that I must also slow myself down. Because that’s the excuse that I’ve used to not direct points immediately, is that I’m always on my way to some other point. So – when and as I see a point that requires direction, which is any and all points where I am not here directing myself, I stop up, I take a breath and I give myself a moment to direct the point in assessing what is required in the moment in terms of me moving to immediate correction in physically changing myself or whether it is to go somewhere and apply self-forgiveness or whether it is to write the point down so that I can direct it in writing later that day. As such I commit myself to the extent that it is practically possible, to direct a point the same day that it emerges, either immediately or later the same day. This way I create an environment of prevention for myself where I am here with myself as self-support to assist myself to stop the mind. (As I reread this section, I experienced a pull in my stomach and I saw that it is fear and doubt that I won’t stop my backchat because I could recognize a self-commitment statement from previously. So here it is vital to mention that the words are useless without the action. So the commitment only becomes real, once I act on it).

I also commit myself to honor my participation with the Desteni group, through supporting the Destonians unconditionally – so I commit myself to walk a self-directed process of establishing unconditional support of my fellow Destonians and myself and I commit myself to bring all points of reaction/judgment/comparison and competition through which I am disturbing the point of support back to myself so that I can let them go and participate here with clear eyes. I also commit myself to participate in any and all required practical points of support of the group and I commit myself to stop the backchat and experiences of resistance that I’ve accepted and allowed to come up within me and direct me as I make decisions about what to participate with. As such I also commit myself to honor my opportunity of participating with Desteni, in sharing what has been given to me by the group with the world and whoever is willing to listen. I commit myself to live this commitment practically through writing blogs every day and through publishing at least 2 vlogs pr. Week as it is possible. I also commit myself to investigate the possibility of expanding myself to doing more vlogs. I commit myself to dedicate a least 4 hours of time every week to networking online and to research new ways of networking and I commit myself to participate in discussions and comments with people to share the message and assist and support wherever I am able to. Within this I commit myself to as I see a point that I can direct, to stop and slow down and make sure that I direct this point to the utmost of my ability in placing my words directively and deliberately in the utmost support and common sense. I commit myself to establish a routine of reading blogs as well as doing my DIP course because I have seen how easy it is to ‘fall of the wagon’ and I have proven to myself and have seen in absolute certainty how important and supporting it is to read blogs and to do DIP. Within this I also commit myself to assist and support myself to also push through the resistance I experience specifically towards DIP and reading blogs – because I see, realize and understand how this resistance is in direct correlation to how these two points are where I can burst my own mind bubbles the most effectively. Therefore I commit myself to assist and support myself to develop an effective routine through which I can support myself to ‘simply DO it’.

Finally within the context of what I have been walking here, I commit myself to find ways and dedicate myself to developing an effective way of living in my practical reality, in my agreement with my partner and in the life that we share as well as in my work and as I walk every day within and as my physical body. Within this I commit myself to also establish stability in my schedule of sleeping, eating and exercising because I’ve proven the benefits of this to myself. However I also commit myself to remain flexible and I commit myself to push myself to get up when I wake up and am awake whether it is in the middle of the night or whenever, so can I can trust myself to also simply move according to what is best in the moment – without following any rules. Regarding this schedule I see it is something that I require do continuously as my work situation is in no way stable as of yet and probably won’t be for at least six months. As such I commit myself to utilize these six months to stabilize all the points I can practically stabilize, specifically in continuing to exercise the way I do and to keep eating and sleeping the way I’ve laid out for myself because I see that this is what is best for me.

Finally – I see that by writing all of this out, I’ve placed myself in a pickle — because if I now don’t live the commitments I’ve made to myself here, then I’ve corrupted myself and as such violated my own trust. Therefore I commit myself to commit myself to walk these commitments no matter what. And I commit myself to be diligent yet flexible as I understand that it takes patience and practice to change habits. I commit myself to not use this as an excuse but to simply look at a point in self-honesty as to assess whether I am breaking my commitment with myself or whether I am simply in the process of practicing standing up.

I see that I’ve not lived humbleness ever. In fact I’ve lived the exact opposite as complacency in taking life for granted. And I also see that I’ve not established or embraced myself as the shame of who I am with this writing. I am saying this to establish self-honesty in not kidding myself into believing that all is now well in the world. As such I commit myself to walk a process of embracing myself in and as the shame of who I am in humbleness and to walk from and as this shame as who I am in the undeniable decision to change what is here no matter what. Unfortunately this is just words that are not yet alive. So now I have to prove to myself that I live my words.

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 How do I Embrace The Shame of Who I Am as Taking Life for Granted? DAY 177

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