February 26, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am here starting a new series of blogs specifically pertaining to relationships that I will be walking simultaneously with a video series on Youtube. You can find all my videos on the series on my NEW channel here.
Now by relationships in this context, I will be focusing on so called ’romantic’ relationships, meaning relationships where two partners come intimately together. It is thus not friendships or family relationships or any other form of relationships that I will be walking.
The reason for why I will be writing about relationships is because this is a point that takes precedence in my daily life and it is a point that has taken precedence in my life as a whole from when I was a small child. It is also one of the primary points where I experience myself becoming unstable and since being in a relationship for the last 2-3 years, I experience daily the entanglement that I’ve wrapped myself into of relationship characters and personalities. So in this blogs series I will be walking any and all dimensions of relationships with an offset in my daily experiences with my partner and the processes that I go through.
The particular point that I will be walking in this and the coming blogs is a specific character that I step into when in company of boys of awkwardness and uncomfortability. It is an ’Awkward around Boys’ character.
So what’s the problem?
In my current life experience the ’problem’ or consequence that manifests through me participating in this ’Awkward around boys’ character is that I feel uncomfortable around my partner. It feels like all of the sudden I become very insecure and I don’t know what to say and I fear that everything I say will sound stupid. And a sort of disconnection happens in the moment where I can’t effectively speak with my partner or even simply be with him or myself because I’ve stepped into this uncomfortability. There is no reason for it, my partner has not done or said anything. It is simply my mind that is equating the configurations of ’boy’ with certain other points of configurations that I’ve not yet identified but that could be something like how he stands or how I stand or a specific word or sounding of a word. Through this combination of factors I’ve agreed with myself subconsciously to step into the ’Awkward around boys’ character. What has also happened as I’ve automatically stepped into this character is that I basically ’lose’ confidence in myself. It is like I become a completely different person who simply waits for the other part to act or do something. It is literally like being transported back in time inside my body back to when I was a child.
From when I was around 10 to 12 when I started increasing my interest in boys and subconsciously wanted to initiate the ’mating process’ I also started becoming very awkward and uncomfortable around boys. But I remember even when I was in kindergarten as a 4 – 5 year old I was obsessed with boys. I had already picked two boys in my kindergarten that I wanted to be girlfriend to. But at that time I did not feel as awkward as I did when I got older. So a specific point I’ve seen is that what happened is that I reacted to my own reaction. So when I reacted, I reflected upon and looked at my reaction within myself and sort of echoed inside myself: ”shit, is this who I am? Man, what a loser”. So I basically interpreted my own experience of uncomfortability around boys through self-judgment and then I defined myself according to this self-judgment. I can also see that a particular reason to why I reacted the way I did was because of the dynamic I experienced between myself and the boys I liked. Often it was someone’s older brother, who obviously showed no interest in me as I was just a little kid. So I had very much an experience of desperately chasing these boys with big puppy eyes and them being very cool and aloof. And so I interpreted this as them being superior because I was the one chasing them and they were more held back. I can see how I created this particular entity of feeling awkward around boys through reacting to my own reactions and interpretations of situations and body movements.
I can see how this awkwardness is quite a branch-out from the general ways I’ve participated in gender roles between males and females because I’ve defined boys in general as more than me. It is interesting really, because I can see how I interpreted it erroneously: When I was a small child and growing up I had an immense interest in and desire for boys, to touch them and be with them. I was fascinated by them. I found them beautiful. Lol. And so I was through this desire propelled towards boys in an energetic experience. And it is the combination of this energetic experience of throwing myself forward and the boys NOT throwing themselves forward through which I’ve created this awkwardness. Why? Because I took the entire point personally. Instead of simply enjoying my enjoyment of boys, I placed value into whether they saw and experienced me the same way and defined myself according to my interpretation of that. And this has been a lifelong pattern. Also, I have no idea why the hundreds of boys throughout my life has been held back, perhaps they were dead-scared of my storming towards them, perhaps they did not even know that I was interested in them. Who knows? But the fact of the matter is that I created a dimension of my relationship to boys based on this misinterpretation. So it is actually quite simple. It is fascinating because I’ve found through investigating how I created beliefs and ideas in my life that most of them are based on me having misinterpreted a situation to the point of having almost fatal consequences because I’ve build the rest of my life on it. This goes to show how important and vital the tool of writing is to sort ourselves out.
So is there a Solution?
Yes, there is a solution. The solution is for me to run an anti-virus program on my brain, correcting the specific malfunction/bug/error that is this misinterpretation of my dynamic with boys. I do that through self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is like removing the virus through scanning the entire computer. Self-Corrective statements of application is then the reinstallation of a new program that is functional and up to date. So that is what I will be walking in my next blog post.
Before making the video on this point and writing out this blog-post, I did not see it, but I realize now that the starting-point of this entire point of awkwardness is actually self-enjoyment. So I took my own self-enjoyment and firstly interpreted it as energy, I made it into an energetic experience and I took it personally. I also then interpreted it in context to the interaction between myself and the boys in my environment and in that took it personally. It was from there I developed the awkwardness. So what I can gain from letting go of and stepping out of this awkwardness is self-enjoyment. Now again obviously this is merely a dimension of multiple points and so I am not here speaking about self-enjoyment as general expression but as a specific form of self-enjoyment and expression that for me is connected to enjoying other beings physicality, similar to how I enjoy looking at my cats stretching or seeing their soft fur. It is also connected to a self-movement towards another being or manifestation, meaning it could also be moving towards a tree – that expression of joy of being with the other, that’s what I can regain by letting go of this awkwardness. Because then I can enjoy another being for myself, within myself and not as something that is conditioned to how they respond to me or how I interpret their response. Because that’s what I’ve done and I’ve corrupted this point of self-enjoyment to where now I don’t even experience or express self-enjoyment because all that is left is fear, inferiority and feeling awkward. So yes – will be very cool to walk through this point. Definitely stay tuned.
In my next blog post I will continue with scripting the solution for myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
Thanks! Artwork, the last piece is by Marlen Vargas Del Razo. You can connect with her here.
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HereDeixis – In linguistics, deixis refers to the phenomenon wherein understanding the meaning of certain words and phrases in an utterance requires contextual information. →