February 24, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog post I will be sharing the final writing of the mind-movement character. Between my last blog post and this one, my computer broke and so I’ve been without constant access to a computer. This has been interesting because I’ve been able to slow myself down more and ‘smell the roses’ as well as writing this final piece that thus contains several days of writing. From my next blog post I will initiate a new series on relationship characters and dimensions. So stay tuned.
For context of what I will be walking, here are the points I’ve walked so far beginning with an introductory post where I laid out the components of the mind-movement character:
- Throwing Myself to the World to Survive: DAY 174
- Stepping out of The Mind’s House of Mirrors: DAY 173
- Drowning out the Sound of Self with the Noise of the Mind: DAY 172
- Positivity is Nothing but Momentary Absence of Negativity: DAY 171
- I Pledge Allegiance to the Physical and Stop Crawling in My Skin: DAY 170
- Confessions of a Child: Internalizing External Conflict: DAY 166
- Offering Oneself Impunity from the Mind through the Mind: DAY 165
- Confessions of a Child: Initiation of the Giving-in-and-Giving-up Pattern: DAY 164
- Confessions of a Child: Time-Line of The Mind-Movement Character: DAY 163
- Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162
- CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
- Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
- The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I ‘got out’ of my inner discomfort and darkness and discovered other people to experience these people as my saviors and almost as angels that took me away from the abyss – not seeing, realizing or understanding that what I was experiencing was not safety or security or love or the wonders of life, but merely a momentary absence of my actual experience of myself – that, even though I suppressed it, was still the bottom of me
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into and as an experience of feeling saved by the presence of others people or noise for example where I feel relieved almost because I don’t have to be with myself, I stop and I breathe and I stop the experience and return to myself here. And I see, realize and understand that the experience of relief of the presence of other people that I’ve been experiencing was actually simply the absence of being here with myself and I convinced myself that everything was much better when I was in the presence of others people. As such I commit myself to stop participating in the pattern of throwing myself to the world as a coping-mechanism and I commit myself to practice remaining here with myself and I commit myself to develop comfortability with and within myself and my physical body
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as I pushed my body away I automatically also pushed nature away because in nature we face ourselves as physical, in silence, darkness, physical movement – so ‘the world’ was ONLY that which is endorsed by and reflecting the mind, the primary points being emotional relationships with others and consumption both with the purpose of generating energy.
When and as I see that I am experiencing resistance to being in nature and to be in nature with myself, I stop and I breathe and I push myself through the resistance. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been pushing the realness of nature away and that I have instead kept only that which would keep me moving in and as the mind such as the shopping streets of the city because within the realness of nature, the physicality and the silence I would also be confronted with myself and my own realness. As such I commit myself to walk a process of becoming aware of such moments where I have the opportunity to step into nature and I commit myself to push through the resistance I experience and to push myself to step into nature and embrace myself within and as it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience that I want the world, I want relationships and to push that and experience that as something positive that I’ve focused my entire life on – when the fact of the matter is that my starting point was to escape my actual experience of myself – to get away from something. I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how all positive experiences I’ve had was in fact nothing but the ‘absence’ of negativity
I commit myself to walk a process of turning my attention from establishing relationships with others to establishing a relationship with and as myself in and as physical stability in my physical body and I commit myself to when and as I see that I am focusing my attention on creating relationships with others where I’m disconnecting myself from myself, to stop and bring my attention back here to myself. And as such I commit myself to walk a process of bringing my attention back to myself so that I can establish a relationship with and within myself of self-integrity and self-will and self-honesty
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to when and as my mom told me to be quiet to take it personally and react as though I was bad and not good enough because of my ‘lively’ expression – which was actually a cover up for the fact that I feared being silent, being still because I knew that within and as silence and stillness I would face myself as the darkness of my human physical body and that was what I was running away from
When and as another asks me to be quiet and I see that I am reacting by taking it personally, I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I am reacting as a cover-up because I don’t want to face myself within and as the silence of my beingness and then when another asks me to be quiet I feel confronted with the possibility of facing myself in silence and then I’ve instead blamed them and made them ‘the bad guy’ in my mind, so that I can preoccupy myself with a emotional reaction and postpone the moment of facing myself. As such I commit myself to walk a process of stop hiding behind emotional reactions and I commit myself to be diligent in stopping participation in emotional reactions. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using emotions to manipulate myself and distract myself from facing myself here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship of fear towards laying in bed at night in silence and darkness because that darkness and silence reminded me of that first reaction to the darkness and silence of being inside my physical body and how I reacted to the fact that I could not move myself out of my body or away from the reactions I was experiencing – which ultimately is what brought me to fantasizing at night before I went to sleep, creating an incubator for backchat
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to step into backchat and imagination when I am about to sleep or at any other time where I can clearly see how I am using the point of backchat to drown out my own silence – and sound, I stop. I breathe and I commit myself to practice being here with myself in simply breathing, little by little every day and every night until I am comfortable with myself here breating instead of only being ’comfortable’ when I backchat inside my mind. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been participating in this pattern for many, many years and therefore it will take time to become comfortable with breathing as that is something I’ve deliberately prohibited myself from and created resistance and fear towards. I commit mysel to practice becoming comfortable simply being here with and within myself without having to create any experiences.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to insist that I need to have my mom sitting by myself when I am about to fall asleep and when my mom refused to sit there I insisted to have audio cassettes to fall asleep to, to have constant and continuous sound and noise drowning out the silence of my own beingness instead of pushing myself to embrace myself and face myself and investigate the experience of fear I have towards silence and darkness inside myself – all of which has now become automated through the processes of back chat and imagination
When and as I am laying in the darkness about to fall asleep, I commit myself to push myself and practice to remain with and as my breath and breathing, simply laying here with myself feeling my human physical body and I commit myself to when and as feelings of anxiety or nervousness comes up through which I trigger an desire to start moving myself in/through/as the mind, I stop and I gently guide myself back here to breathing. I commit myself to embrace the darkness of myself and I see, realize and understand that I’ve resisted facing myself for so long that I require being patient with myself as I practice the point of bringing myself back here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘mind-movement character’ that I have created a point of positive identification towards where I have experienced pride towards being someone that is constantly moving around as I now have come to cement and substantiate that this is who I am and who I identify myself as
When and as someone speaks about how ‘fast’ I am or I think about my personality or talk to someone about how I am constantly on the move and I see that I am experiencing pride, I stop. I stop and I breathe and I stop participating in the experience of pride, because I see, realize and understand that this sense of pride is not real self-pride but instead a mind-pride that I am in fact hiding myself behind. As such I commit myself to stop the positive identification of myself and the definition of myself as someone that is constantly on the move. I commit myself to stop and step out of the mind-movement character through practicing the point of slowing down and remaining here within and as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I accepted and allowed myself to develop and identify myself as a ‘moving’ character to develop the character even further where I developed a desire and need for constant movement and speed – where from a survival mechanism that was a reaction to fear I made it into a positive character for example through actively participating in imagination and visualization where I became completely obsessed with being part of the world and having experiences and basically turning myself inside out
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience a want/need/desire for movement, like a ‘let’s go crazy!’ feeling, I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that this the mind-movement character in motion and that I am literally abusing myself if I participate within it. So I commit myself to stop acting on such ‘impulses’ to move and instead I commit myself to develop a stable, consistent environment for myself here.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define, value and experience ‘life’ as ‘being in the world’ and ‘being part of the world’ specifically as going out and moving oneself in the system specifically turning myself inside out and only ever focusing on what is outside of me and what comes in from the outside and not what is inside of me
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to expeirence and participate in a want/need/desire to be in the world and to be part of the world and to have new experiences so that I can feel alive, I stop myself. I breathe and I remind myself that this is the mind-movement character speaking and that I within that have been delusional because I already AM here in the world and I already AM alive and that what I have defined as life through the mind is in fact all that which is invented for and through the mind and that this is in direct abuse and anihilation of life in fact. As such, I commit myself to stop defining what life is through the mind. I commit myself to let go of my need and want and desire to be in the world and to be alive and to instead walk a process of realizing myslef here as alive
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make mind-movement into a religion where I have made my entire life about turning myself inside out and focusing on everything that is outside myself and putting things and experiences back into myself and not at all or in any way remain inside myself
When and as I see that I am not here with myself in breath as indicated by restricted and shallow breathing and pain in my body and an increased ‘presence’ in my head region, I stop myself for a moment and take a deep breath and return myself to here. And when I see that I am having my entire focus on what is happening outside myself, or rather on my interpretation through the mind of what is happening outside of me, I stop myself. I breathe and I bring myself back here. Because I see, realize and understand that that I’ve been deliberately distracting myself away from facing myself here through which I’ve enabled myself to abdicate self-responsibility and as such I’ve separated myself from and denied everything that was going on inside me. Therefore I commit myself to walk a process of returning my attention and focus to myself and my own inner process of bringing myself back to life.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how what I am fearing – what I’ve feared all my life is in fact the return of myself to myself, to the darkness and silence of my human physical body that I’ve attempted to run away from my entire life, not seeing, realizing or understanding how it is me — and how I’ve been here all along and how what I’ve been avoiding to face all along is the responsibility of directing myself, of deciding who I am and of within that embracing myself in realizing that I am the one that decides who I am – which also means that I can change myself
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in fear towards being here with myself where I start triggering desires, backchat and thoughts of ‘escape’ like stuff I suddenly ‘have to do’, I stop myself. I breathe and I push myself to practice being here. I see, realize and understand that I won’t be able to get here or be here if I don’t direct myself to stop living in fear of being here. As such I commit myself to stop the fear and the desire to remain in the mind and in the movement of and as the mind. I commit myself to stop moving myself as mind only and to start moving myself in and as the physical.
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