January 7, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog post I will continue with writing out the thought component of the Mind Movement Character that I started writing about on DAY 159. I will structure the writing of my self-forgiveness based on the writing I did on DAY 161 because I can see that in my last post on DAY 162 I threw myself into the deep end of the self-forgiveness regarding the thought image of shooting through the universe, but I did not contextualize my writing as structured or as specific as I see is the most assisting. What I mean is that as I wrote out the point on DAY 161 I mentioned a lot of different dimensions of the thought image as it originated in my childhood and then on DAY 162 I simply jumped right in the middle of all these without supplying myself with a structure. And I see how easy it then is to entangle oneself or not be specific enough with the information that one has extrapolated. So therefore I will here place some key points from the writing I did on DAY 161 that I will utilize to write self-forgiveness on the thought image of shooting through the universe away from the darkness and into the light. By the way, this specific image stems from a spiritual ‘inner journey’ I had on mushrooms a couple of years back where I saw this exact point in a psychedelic version, meaning I experienced myself literally shooting through the universe chasing a ‘light’ and deliberately avoiding a ‘darkness’. However I see that the practical ways through which this point has manifested in my life and how I’ve lived according to it, is much more relevant to write out, so that is what I will focus on.
For context, here are the posts I’ve been walking so far in this series on the Mind-Movement Character:
- Confessions of a Child Capitulating Life to the Smothering Embrace of Lies: DAY 162
- CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
- Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
- The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159
I am again basing my writing on the answer of the Q and A I shared in the first blog post where I am specifically focusing on the point of desiring ‘life’ as the mind and how I came to live as a slave to that desire.
“…you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you.”
So in my last blog post I started opening up in self-forgiveness on the point of allowing myself to be born into this world and perceive myself in and as the physical as a threat through which I created the desire for movement. I’ll continue here in chronological order with the time line of events. So these are the points I will be walking in and as a structured write-through. I am therefore also walking the components of the Mind-Movement character a little different than what has been suggested as I am in principle walking all of these dimensions only as part of the thought component of the entire Mind-Movement Character; however I see how several points might overlap. So I will simply begin with the context I have laid out here and see how to progress as I continue writing out the points. So I have basically written out a bullet point for each point on the time-line to which I have attached a memory or a description of the particular point of change that occurred.
Mind-Movement Character Time-Line
Reacting to the environment – internalizing the external instability and conflict
I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically.
The acceptance of Self in reverse
when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind.
The acceptance of self as weak starts with the baby
And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move.
Perceiving/Judging the body/self as limited because of the inability to move and subsequently feeling trapped because of it thus creating the desire to ‘escape’.
A particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped.
My beingness won’t get me anywhere
Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness
The alternative is that we die – or so we believe
Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died.
Making the Choice to indulge in the world
And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options.
Demoting myself to non-existent
And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself.
‘If you can’t beat them, join them’ as the ‘solution’ to my survival
I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’.
What I want from the Mind is Life
that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself.
My People are My World
I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost.
How I defined Mind-Movement as Life
But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch.
The Mind is an escape from the Mind itself
And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison.
Memory – The 2 minute key chain
I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound
Memory – Quiet time for Mom
Then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long.
Memory – ‘drowning out’ the sound of silence
As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape.
Memory – Making everyone dizzy and being proud of it
in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy.
The adult operationalization of the Mind-Movement Character
This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs.
Life is ‘living in the world’ – the world is ‘other people’ – therefore ‘life’ is living in other people
I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body.
Making Mind-Movement into a Religion
We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.
The return to Darkness is the road to Hell
And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clear-cut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself.
In my next blog post I will continue with writing out self-forgiveness on the first of these dimensions.
Thank you for walking with.
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