January 5, 2013 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog post I am continuing from the previous blog post where I expanded on the thought/image as the foundation of the Mind Movement Character of shooting through the universe in pursuit of light/noise and away from darkness/silence and how this correlates specifically to my experiences as a child with becoming a self-conscious mind-entity through deliberately splitting myself inside myself running away from darkness and into ‘the light’ of the mind.
For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:
- Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
- The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159
- CONsciousness FORMed Babies: If You Can’t Beat Them, Join Them. DAY 161
Another memory has popped up: When I was approximately 3 or 4 years old, more likely 4, I was placed on a chair in my kindergarten by an adult and instructed to remain seated while producing a key chain through twining threads. To me this was the most boring and horrible experience and the memory were burned into my brain as profound. I think it was the first time also where I had to do something I did not want to do in the kindergarten or it was at least not an ordinary moment. I clearly remember how it was a case of the teachers having had ‘enough’ – perhaps for their own sake but also in terms of how I was moving myself and they decided to teach me a lesson. Because I would normally select an activity with highest possible movement, either being outside or in a pillow room or playing house. I never ever opted to sit down doing something quiet. So I had to sit on my butt and produce a key chain. And the clearest part of the memory that I recall the best is when I was squirming and complaining that I did not want to sit there and the teacher said: “You only have to sit there for two minutes.” And I asked her how long two minutes was. And she showed me on a clock on the wall or on her arm, I don’t remember. But I remember that it felt like it lasted forever. And I don’t know if I simply reflected upon it or if we talked about it, but I thought about how weird it was that two minutes could go by too fast where one would want to stretch them out and then like this where it felt like it lasted forever. It gave time a weird elasticity and abstractness.
Then also my mom would instill ‘quiet time’ which literally comprised of me having to keep my mouth shut and be still for 5 minutes. I barely lasted that long. And in elementary school where I was to upgrade to the next level in the 7. Grade and all the kids got a letter from the teacher about their personality; they wrote about me that they never knew where I was because I was constantly tumbling around on the move making everyone dizzy. So when I speak about this mind-movement character it is in no way symbolic – it is absolutely literal. And then as an adolescent I retracted into myself or inverted the mind-movement into me, so that I stopped acting it out as much physically as I started suppressing in a different way, amongst other things through drugs and TV.
So hereby I explained a little more of the nature of the Mind Movement character as I have constructed it. I will return to this in a later blog post. However I will now return to the point of writing out self-forgiveness in context to the thought/image and the specific related experiences I wrote about in my last blog post. I will walk this as chronologically as is practically possible, starting with the first memories I have of creating and stepping into this character. I also continue to utilize the Q and A I shared in my first post as a baseline – meaning that I focus myself on the point of desire and want rather than on fear – where the point is that I want something else that I’ve made myself believe that only the mind can give me that I believe I can’t get in the darkness/silence of my beingness. So what I found in my last blog post that THAT was, is ‘life’ – plain and simple. And I defined ‘life’ as ‘living in the world’ – specifically in relationships with others as well as the world as noise and consumption and speaking and acting in and as personalities. Meaning, I completely misinterpreted what life is. I did in no way consider that Life is the physical or nature or myself or my human physical body. And so this is actually what I have been doing and living and valuing ever since. At the expense of life itself. So the thought as image of shooting through the universe away from darkness into light is actually more literal than it is symbolic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist according to the image of shooting through the universe in and as movement based on an energy fueled by friction I have generated within and as myself towards myself as my beingness as the darkness and silence of myself here in and as my physical body that I misinterpreted to be the problem as I came into this world and was overwhelmed and overstimulated by lights, sounds, colors, smells, people, touches – in particular that of high energy movement as violence and arguments between my mother and father where I experienced myself as trapped inside myself and that I could not contain all that I was experiencing as reacting to my environment where I, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I was in fact merely reacting to my environment and that I was in fact still HERE in and as the darkness, silence and stability of my human physical body through which I could have breathed and stabilized myself here and simply be within my environment instead of allowing it to saturate through me and fill me, reversed what was going on inside myself through a consciousness awareness emerging of echoing inside myself “I am feeling trapped, I can’t stand this, I will fall apart” where I in that moment made the decision to abandon and alienate myself in and as the darkness and silence of my beingness in and as my human physical body and literally throw myself towards the world as I saw and experienced it, as the faces up in my face talking to me and pleading with me to respond, as the relationships that others wanted to form with me based on my responses, as the toys and books and things people would point to me and repeat the word of over and over again – I capitulated to all that – because it was easier – and I did not understand or remind myself that I had an alternative. In a split second of a moment I decided and then knew that I had no choice but to surrender to the world and become its devotee and disciple. The only way I could prevent myself by being choked to death by the smothering embrace of the world as I knew it, was to give myself over to it and allow it to embrace me and penetrate every corner of my beingness. In that moment it stopped hurting. The light stopped being as sharp. The noises stopped being painful in my ear and body. I started instead turning myself towards the world which was a literal physical shift of ‘whereness’ of myself inside myself. I became more interested in the world and its functionings. I had accepted it as real and valid and wonderful. And the most prominent point within it was relationships. That was like the prize I won from sacrificing myself. To have someone to be that for me which I had pushed away in and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live within and as a constant and continuous desire to move forward, without any particular direction or purpose or goal, simply to move myself forward in a forced motion where I am tilted forward and my head is first, my hands along my side, thus out of power or handling as it is the head that steers and my legs tightly squeezed together, also not ability to walk effectively and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever stop up and ask myself: why I am I doing this? Why do I need to constantly move? Where is it exactly I am moving to? Because I would have realized that I wasn’t moving anywhere at all ever, I was constantly inventing new places and experiences and people and purposes to move myself to so I never noticed that I wasn’t moving anywhere at all in the real world, but only as energetic experiences of mind-movement where I actually just moved around in a circle as a loop
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to move myself out of myself as myself as my beingness as the darkness and silence and stability of my human physical body within and as interpreting my beingness as the prison in which I am trapped and unable to move and the reason for my experience of being in a prison and being overwhelmed and in pain over all the stimuli I am experiencing
And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come into this world totally unprepared through the process of forgetting and ‘starting over’ to some extent as a blank slate because I see how I did not stand a chance and I also see that the only one who could have woken me up was myself, but I wholeheartedly accepted and believed myself to be that new child coming into a new world and that everyone else who were already in the world was wise and would guide me safely and that the world is a wonderful place – but wait? If I did not have any memories or awareness and apparently was new, why did I expect that the world would be a wonderful place and that my elders would guide me safely through? I wholeheartedly believed they would. Perhaps because I knew that that is how it should have been, because I only had my innocence with me, the last part of me that is real and that can never go away, but I did not have the awareness of what I have walked in this existence
(to be continued)
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