January 2, 2013 in Anna's Process Blog
How exactly is it children are socialized or programmed to participate in the world? This is something I am investigating here inadvertedly through my own experiences with the development of the Mind Movement Character.
For context of what I will be walking, here are the previous blog posts I’ve walked thus far:
- Travelling at The Speed of Light of the Mind: DAY 160
- The Mind Movement Character – Introduction: DAY 159
In this blog post I’ll clarify a bit on the thought Image I wrote about in my last blog post as the image I’ve selected to represent the Mind Movement Character. When I say it is the image I have selected it is because it did not ‘come to me’ as with other characters where it is absolutely obvious what the thought or image representing or comprising the character is. I located this image more through discerning the characteristics of the character in how I’ve been living it. And so since I selected it I’ve been quite doubtful as to whether it is THE image that is relevant for this character. However, when I look at my personal relationship to the image specifically in context to the memory I shared of when I was a baby/small child and I started the mind movement, it was the same/similar motion where I used the darkness/light analogy. I see now how this could explain to some extent why children become afraid of the dark. Because the darkness we’re running away from and avoiding is ourselves, the darkness of being inside one’s own physical body, in the silence of the sound of self. And I see a particular reason for wanting out of that beingness was within how I interpreted it as limited because I could not physically move myself as a baby. It was like being trapped. I remember reacting very much to the sounds, noises, smells and lights of ‘life’ of other people and their comings and goings and it overwhelmed me physically. As a side note I can share that according to my mother, I had quite the extreme entry into the world from a certain perspective.
Because when I was born – in a snowstorm by the way – my mom got up, took a shower and then they held a party. And she has explained how I then did not cry but turned my head away from them as if I wanted to be alone. LOL – I realize now that obviously newborn babies can’t turn their heads so either my mother embellished the story or I did in my memory of her telling it. However it still makes sense. I was born into a very loud, chaotic environment which also was a tiny apartment living with my mother and my father who was severely manic at the time of my birth swinging into heavy depression and back and forth during my first few years. So what I am seeing now is that I sort of ‘cracked’ myself and deliberately left the darkness of my own beingness in and as my body – in literally pushing my own beingness away – as a survival mechanism of ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. I see how all children do this, because we have no other option. If we were born into the world with functioning legs, we could walk away. But we can’t. Whatever environment we’re born into is the environment we have to accept as our ‘life-source’. Because the alternative is that we die.
This then developed into a want/need/desire for constant speed and action and mind-movement in my life. When I say mind-movement I am referring both to moving myself within the mind in terms of thinking and generating emotional experiences but also in relation to externalizing the mind-movement in seeking out energetic experiences through the physical reality, such as for example when doing drugs. As an older child, I was shit scared of laying alone in the dark to fall asleep and my mom had to sit by me and read to me. Eventually she set a cassette recorder next to my bed and had me listen to music and audio tapes with children’s stories. I ‘required’ constant mind stimulation and distraction to not have to feel and be with myself in the darkness of myself inside myself. Because I had come to interpret that as a prison – a bodily prison I could not escape. Had I only realized that it was the other way around and that I could have walked the opposite way, inside myself, I could have saved myself a lot of time. But that is obviously not how we were designed or how we’ve designed ourselves.
And so what do we do? We come to justify and create religions around our own inner mental prisons. I began believing that the physical was a prison, an illusion and that the only thing that was real was my mind. It gave me the perfect excuse to completely deny and disregard my body and pretend like it did not exist. I saw it as a dense, heavy mass of mistakes and regret that could not be changed and that had to be cast and discarded like a snake changing its skin. I saw it as something beautiful.
So the bottom line:
I want to move myself in/through/as my mind constantly and continuously so that I don’t have to feel and be in and as the darkness of myself, as my beingness in and as my human physical body. Because that has become my prison where I hold myself completely restrained and locked and limited without any ability to move. But you know what? It is all in reverse. I completely missed the point. Because when I was a baby and I could not move myself away from the noise, that noise and chaos was produced by a world abdicated to the mind, produced by people abdicating their beingness to the mind. And so what I faced as a consequence from the first moment I was born into this world – like everyone else – and which I only registered in some form of awareness, was the fact that I have enslaved myself, in and as the physical – my own life-substance – to the mind. And I simply accepted it. I accepted myself as weak and unable to move. I loved the world and I loved the people around me and I saw them as the world first and foremost. I started seeing myself as an enemy and I ‘instinctively’ understood that the only way to make it through was through conforming.
Forming myself as a Con. Forming myself according to the con. Letting the con of the world form me. So my form became the con. The ‘form’ I accepted myself as was the mind. The physical was a mere obstacle, the ‘jail’ I was trapped in as consciousness.
Remember the Q and A I shared in the first blog post?
Q: Why would one be afraid of being here in silence/darkness/stillness with oneself? I experience this as a primary point though I don’t see much reason for it in term of ‘issues’ to sort out. That it is more like a basic point that one simply requires pushing through. Is this so?
A: The Mind plays a nice trick on you with that one – it’s not in fact that you FEAR silence/darkness/stillness, what you’re actually experiencing is an excitement that manifest towards your Mind, cause you DON’T WANT to be silent/still/in darkness – so, you say you “fear it”, but actually you don’t want to go there, because there’s something else you WANT that you think/believe your mind-life can give you / get you
So if I bring this back to myself in relation to what it is I’ve been sharing about, that which I see I want and that I have wanted through/within/as my mind-life, is in fact life itself. Because the equation I made for myself was that I could not ‘get anywhere’ with/through/as my own beingness. What happened in fact when I was a small child, 2-3 years old is that I got quite ill and had severe stomach ache and skin rashes and it turned out I was allergic to milk as well as artificial coloring, though the doctor my mom brought me to who specialized in allergies said it was psychosomatic, meaning that my body was reacting/responding to what was going on in my mind. And so I see that had I rejected the ‘world’ I would have most likely been very sick and would have died. I have absolutely no background in concluding this, it simply makes sense to me. But what I do see is that that ‘life’ which I believe the mind-life can give me/could give me, is a life of movement. So life became synonymous with ‘the world’ which in particular came to consist of 1) relationships to other people 2) sensory stimulation brought about through seeing furniture/interior/nature/buildings and through 3) body and consumption sensory stimulus as food, smells and touch. And so I had two ‘choices’ but it was not really a choice from my perspective AT ALL. One was to remain within and as the darkness of myself where I could not move and where the sounds and lights were an unbearable stimulus inside my physical body (as I perceived myself) or I could indulge and devote myself to that world. And so I did. Because I believed and accepted that I did not have any options. And in that moment I separated myself from myself and I rejected myself and I devalued and disregarded myself completely. Because I could have breathed. I could have realized that it was not the external environment that was creating reactions inside myself. And so in returning to the darkness of myself is not to return to some blissful state of being. Because it is within that also the clearcut, sharply bright realization of the prison I – as all – have created for/as/in myself. And what does the mind do? It offers an ‘escape’ from that. From the consequences of itself. From the truth of itself – of ourselves. And I took it. Because I wanted to be part of the world. I wanted to have relationships. I wanted to be loved, get presents, be stimulated, taste food in my mouth, laugh. And I believed that it was only the mind that provided all of that – and that the only alternative was a vast endless darkness inside myself as a prison. Boy was I wrong. But I still only see it ‘intellectually’ – meaning that even though I now see this, I am still not living it. My entire life is build up around this one single point of making sure that I am constantly moving myself, in/through and as the mind. So is going to be a process to walk myself back to the darkness of myself. But that is exactly why I am writing out these blogs.
So in my next blog post I will continue with self-forgiveness on the image/thought of shooting through the universe, specifically with integrating the writings I’ve shared today into my self-forgiveness and in general this writing will be the base as I write the point out.
Thanks for walking-with.
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