December 25, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat about another being egotistical because of how I perceive them as not doing what I think they should be doing I stop and I breathe and I flag point this for myself as a moment to stop up – because I see, realize and understand that the moment I am busy judging or blaming another in my mind, I am literally in the process of projecting what I am accepting and allowing in myself onto the other, even if it does not feel like it and it feels so real – when I am focusing on another in any negative or positive way in my mind – it is a projection and I stop and I bring the point back to myself in looking at how I am being egotistical and accordingly I commit myself to take self-responsibility for what it is I am accepting and allowing through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
When and as I see that I am reacting towards another where I’d focus in my mind in backchat on what I perceive that the other is doing or not doing and accordingly am accepting and allowing myself to react and where I see this and remind myself that I am projecting – where I in backchat say to myself that I don’t care that I am projecting or where I come up with justifications and excuses to make myself self-righteous in projecting onto another – I stop and I give myself a deep breath and I re-commit myself here to not participate in projection or to hold onto the projection but to bring it back to myself. Because I see, realize and understand that when I project all I do is try to hide from myself to not have to face and take responsibility for myself basically so that I can keep living in a way that I know is not best for all without having to also face the consequences of my action which is the ‘doctrine’ that we’ve all be living by on earth and that is the reason for this wretched mess we’re in now. And I see, realize and understand also that hiding from oneself is redundant because we’re right here, I am right here and I cannot escape myself. All I can do is to change or not change. And if I don’t change, I’ll keep creating the same crap over and over. So therefore I commit myself to stop arguing for my reactions towards others in my mind and I commit myself to discipline myself to bring all points of projection – positive and negative – back to myself so that I can sort myself out here and not send myself on a time-loop to accumulate even more consequences for myself to sort out later.
When and as I see that I am experiencing anger towards myself within and as an experience that “I am angry at myself” I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that for me to be angry at myself it requires that there is more than one of me as there is one that is angry and one that is myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that I am only angry at myself when I separate myself from myself and so for example if or as I accept and allow myself to be egotistical and act in self-interest, I’d separate myself from what I am accepting and allowing and in that create a split through which I would get angry at myself as a polarized reaction because I had already split myself in two – and so I commit myself to stop splitting and separating myself through firstly when and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to experience something towards myself stop myself and breathe. And I commit myself to investigate what it is I have separated myself from through which I’d create this experience of anger so that I can instead bring all parts of me back here and direct myself effectively as ONE in standing as the amalgamating principle within and as myself to no longer accept or allow myself to split myself into parts just so that I can fuck with myself, create inner conflict and abdicate self-responsibility.
When and as I see that I am being super hard on myself or another where I’d result to bullying and blaming and judging in expecting more of another or myself I stop myself and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand how I’ve created this expectation based on a belief and an ide(al) about how I am supposed to be and how another is supposed to be in and as superiority that has nothing to do with practical, actual reality and so reality is ‘doomed’ to disappoint because it cannot live up to this idea or fantasy. And so I see, realize and understand that when I for example become angry at myself for having participated in backchat it is because I had created an idea and a belief for example about who I am supposed to be as I have compared myself to others and so in seeing that I am participating in backchat that is what I focus on, instead of simply focusing on correcting and re-aligning myself to what is best for all in stopping participation in backchat. I see, realize and understand that I can only change myself through embracing myself in saying: “this is what is, this is who I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so be it – now I’ll change.” Meaning that it is not complicated – it is simply a matter of recognizing and accepting that this is so and then change myself. So therefore I commit myself to stop bullying myself and to stop being hard on myself and on another because I see, realize and understand that this behavior is not an expression of ‘high standards’ or ‘living by principle’ and as such that I when I step into this character am superior but in fact that it is a self-sabotaging and self-abuse character through which and within which I prevent myself from changing in fact because I am so focused on reacting towards myself for not living up to my own unrealistic expectations.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to react towards myself in anger, resentment, shame, blame and judgment within and as a particular character of perceiving myself as holding ‘high standards’ which I either project onto myself or onto another where I actually fear that part of me that I am judging because I see it as ‘wrong’ and ‘dirty’ and thus as ‘tainting’ my self-righteous self – I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am within this seeing everything in reverse because I am using morality to create a fake character of morality and high standards to actually hide my ‘true nature’ of self-interest so that I can keep existing in and as self-interest without having to deal with the consequences and so the anger I experience is actually more towards exposing myself in and as this character saying: “I don’t want this dirty beast in my house, put it in the basement so that I don’t have to look at it and the guests don’t think I am a monster when they arrive”. So through this ‘high horse morality’ character I am in fact deliberately hiding and suppressing my own evilness which also means that when the evilness does emerge and becomes visible and I see myself, it is actually a moment of gratitude and it is cool because the fact that I can see myself in self-honesty, means that I can change. So – therefore I commit myself to further investigate the ‘high horse morality’ character so that I can let it go and step out of this character and move myself to immediate self-correction instead of wasting time on judging and blaming myself through which I react with suppressing myself i.e. running away from myself.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself I stop and I breathe because I see, realize and understand that in being angry at myself I am in fact confirming for myself that whatever it is I am angry at myself towards is ‘who I am’ – I am literally in the anger solidifying myself in and as this particular point that I am angry at myself for being, which is obviously completely unreasonable and illogical. So therefore I commit myself to stop participating in anger towards myself as I have now shown myself how it is not only redundant but also how it serves the exact opposite purpose of what it is presented as, which makes it deceptive and thus I am self-deceptive when and as I participate in anger towards myself. I therefore commit myself to instead develop immediacy in moving myself to and within the simplicity of applying corrective action in terms of writing, self-forgiveness and directively changing my behavior through breathing as I see, realize and understand that this is the only way I can change in fact
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my self-control and direction to self-interest and backchat and desire for stimulation and fear through abdicating my self-responsibility for myself as that desires and fear and as such making myself less than the desire and fear thus giving it control over me and as me making it my directive principle and thus making myself a slave to fear and desire
I commit myself to re-align myself to common sense, practical and simplistic living where I prescribe for myself the basic responsibilities of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective application, caring for my body and interacting with others/the physical and where this is what I give my focus and attention to and so I commit myself to steer and direct my attention from entertainment and gossip and stimulation to practical common sense living. So when and as I see myself in backchat wanting to do something else than a point of responsibility that I have prescribed here for myself, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that I am busy sabotaging myself and that the urge/desire I am experiencing in the moment towards consuming something (which is the most frequent urge) is not real and that the value I see within it through excitement and the craving I experience, is in fact about me deliberately running away from facing myself and taking responsibility and so I see, realize and understand that I require walking a self-education process of teaching myself to live based on different principles and I see, realize and understand that this can and will never happen ‘by itself’ but only through my direct and deliberate stewardship of myself and so I commit myself to re-establish myself here as the steward of myself and I commit myself to honor my life and myself by re-educating myself to value that which is substantial and real, the physical and this process and to let go of my mental value systems which only serves the absolute destruction and detriment of life in fact as I have proven to myself time and again.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to live and act in self-interest where I see that I am experiencing myself powerless towards the particular point or addiction that I am living, I stop and I breathe and I flag this point because I see, realize and understand that when an addiction is running me by its own where it is like it has a life on its own, it is because I have made a decision for the addiction to have control over me deliberately in abdicating my own self-responsibility as creator and authority over myself and therefore I see, realize and understand that to say and experience myself as powerless towards an addiction is a deliberate self-deceptive excuse and justification to not take responsibility for myself by making something/someone else the point of superiority and power in my life when in fact it is all a charade that I have orchestrated and set in motion at my own will, which also means that I can change myself and stop accepting myself as powerless. So therefore I commit myself to investigate in detail and specificity when and as such a point comes up where I would say “I want to stop but I can’t” and to bring the point back to myself in self-responsibility in reversing the permission I’ve given myself to abdicate myself to this point. I commit myself to stop accepting it as natural and normal to exist in self-interest and to accept myself as powerless towards the ‘forces’ that emerge from within and as me as fears, desires and addictions and I commit myself to re-define and re-align what ‘normal’ and ‘natural’ means to common sense practical living in a way that is best for all.
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