December 17, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am continuing from the following posts:
- The Only Way to Break The Spell of the Mirroring Self: DAY 155
- Resistance is Futile but Prevention is the Best Cure: DAY 154
- Back to Breath (Day 21 of 21) Preventing Comfortable Numbness: DAY 153
What I have seen during the events that transpired during the last few weeks is how it is literally up to me to shape myself and how I will live. What I have seen is that nothing happens without my permission. And even if I partake in an automated pattern that I experience myself as being out of control within, it simply means that I have suppressed and denied the point of giving permission for myself to submit myself to this point – such as an addiction. Just as important I have seen that what is screwed up with an addiction for example is not so much the addiction itself, because that is often a point that can be practically sorted through changing habits and processing a change and stabilizing chemical relationships in the body. But what I realized is the most screwy is when I hold and live by values and principles that are not best for me, that are abusive towards myself and abusive towards others within some twisted religious brainwash. By religious I mean the way that people uncritically submit themselves to beliefs they accept to be higher than themselves and therefore they don’t even allow themselves to ask questions as to whether or not this is what is best or not. And that is called faith. I also got reminded and reminded myself that walking this process is utterly simplistic. It is simply a matter of doing it. By doing it I mean to do the things that is obvious common sense such as writing one’s blog every day and applying self-forgiveness and bringing oneself back to breath.
I also saw how easy it is to make oneself to go insane simply through participating in the mind. At some point during these weeks I literally started experiencing that I was going insane, meaning not as an expression of exaggeration but as an actual consequence of my mind possession and I could see how people turn themselves into vegetables and how the instigate permanent depression in themselves through thinking and backchat. I also saw exactly how and why there exists obese people who do nothing but eat and watch TV all day because I have that ‘gene’ or that personality inclination right here within and as myself. I saw how easy it is to drown oneself in apathy and depression and make the whole world revolve around oneself inside one’s own head. I saw how easy it is to make one’s entire world revolve around tiny insignificant points that one has blown completely out of proportion and have morphed and mutated to fit one’s twisted mental fantasies which always leads back to the utter banality of fear and self-interest, without a doubt or deviance.
We make up these entire ‘universes’ and ‘life stories’ inside ourselves that is so elaborate and detailed and filled with roles and characters and scenes and stories about who we are, about who others are and about the world and life – and the entire purpose with these ‘productions’ is for us to satisfy and submit to some banal fear and self-interest.
I have seen how fear cannot be trusted because how I can out of fear is not in the best interest of myself and this makes the most of my actions, words and deeds untrustworthy because they start with fear. However the specific point I am working with at the moment is the ‘level’ of taking responsibility in distinguishing between for example fear and common sense. Because as most people I’ve deceived myself extensively and manipulated myself using fear so I will experience fear as completely rational and reasonable. I will feel protected and cared for by fear. I see how this strongly resembles how sex-trafficked women might experience herself towards her pimp or captor in how she’s been brainwashed into believing first of all that she’s worth nothing and second of all that even worse dangers awaits her if she does not satisfy the pimp’s every need.
We will as human beings literally drive ourselves insane and go into catatonic states of being frozen to satisfy our own fear. We will abuse our physical bodies like literally torturing ourselves to satisfy fear. And what I saw is that I have created a relationship towards fear in separation much like the pimp/prostitute relationship I described above where I have been almost one hundred percent loyal to the fears that came up within me out of a belief that “if I give them what they want (they being the fear or the pimp), they will give me what I want and leave me alone.”
And so within this what I’ve seen is that when I then for example give into a resistance where I don’t push through, I had a positive energetic experience of feeling safe and protected because I did not have to face my fear or walk through it and in that I made a pact with fear and I was loyal to fear because fear ‘protected’ me from the things I feared. Lol – or that is the fuzzy logic of this. Because what actually happens is that one simply postpones and procrastinates the point of facing oneself and taking self-responsibility which is the ONLY point where one can in fact change and stop a particular fear or addiction or experience – and then one accumulates even more consequences and even more resistance and slowly but surely one’ll build up a mountain of fear that one uses to ‘protect’ oneself. But really what one is doing is simply accumulating fear. There is no purpose. It is a mental oxycontin that quickly wears out.
So I have started facing my fears, one by one. Because I could see and hear myself arguing for my fears inside myself in backchat and verbally out loud to someone else and I could see how insane it was that I was arguing against doing something that I in fact know is best for me so fervently. That must simply mean that there’s something completely screwy with my inner compass and operating system and that until I get that adjusted I literally can’t trust a word that comes out my mouth or inside my head as backchat and inner conversations. This is what starting over means. Because I have realized that I got to start with the ‘level’ of permission, the level where I deliberately act out of a misconstrued set of values and principles that primarily is based on feelings and emotions as well as the agendas of the mind at a systematic level.
I will be who I decide to be – and who I am now is as I have decided.
So I have made the decision to start over. I am making the decision to start over now. In my next blog post I will share self-forgiveness.
Thank you for walking-with.
In context to the topic of this blog I suggest watching the videos available on Youtube with Derren Brown. simply search for Derren Brown and loads of videos will come up. They are literally mind blowing.
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