December 2, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am writing out the (for now) final self-commitment and self-corrective statements on my fear of being here that I have identified as being manifested through my constant experience of having an urge to move myself about. This mostly happens as I sit and work on my computer, which also means that it mostly happens when I am doing things towards which I experience resistance, such as studying or working on my Desteni I Process course assignments. However I also see how my mother has lived the same pattern as she would also constantly be moving about constantly being ‘busy’. I see how a specific part of this ‘moving about’ pattern is to remain in a constant state of ‘busyness’ ‘buzzedness’ within one’s body – a constant tension towards looking within the mind at ‘what’s next’ – “what’s the next moment I gotta move myself to” – is the excuse. But it is really just an idea, because we’re not speaking about an actual busyness of being at work for example and having to physically hurry to get something done. As such I’ve also identified that it is a defense-mechanism, using busyness as an excuse. So far so good. Now – in this blog post I will be walking the final parts of the self-commitment and self-corrective statements.
Here are the previous posts in the series:
If you’ve not yet read the posts in the series, here they are:
When and as I see that ‘oops, I am doing something that I am not supposed to do’, I stop doing what I am doing, I breathe and I return to what I am supposed to be doing. Because I see, realize and understand that I within that moment am already ‘gone’ from the perspective that I’ve already accepted and allowed myself to activate the thoughts and the urge and have followed it and from that perspective that it is too late. Yet at the same time, I also see, realize and understand that because this is a pattern that have become so ingrained and automated to the point where I notice that I am doing something that I am not supposed to do and have even made myself ‘unaware’ (as in deliberately ignore) the fact that I am busy following an ‘urge’ (i.e – deliberately separating myself from here) – I require stopping it at all levels of participation, from thought, to experience to action. And so I commit myself to firmly and gently direct myself back here to the point that I am supposed to be focusing on. And to assist and support myself to do this, I commit myself to, in the evening before I go to rest, to write out a schedule for the following day’s tasks, so that the things I am supposed to do are not just random points in my mind as ‘oh right I have to do that…’ but that it is actual agreements of responsibility that I make with myself. So I commit myself to – no matter how tired I am when I am about to go to rest, to write out the following days schedule.
When and as I see a thought popping up in my mind as an image of food or coffee or some form of practical project followed by a backchat popping up in my mind where I say to myself in and as an internal conversation “Oh right, there is also that point that I have to do” – I stop and I breathe and I simply stop participating in the backchat simply identifying it for what it is and then I continue doing what I am doing. Because I see, realize and understand that the only way I’ll be able to stop this pattern, is by stopping at the level of thought, where the thought pops up/activates and to simply not participate.
When and as I see that I am debating with myself in my mind, in internal conversation as backchat where I am deliberately convincing myself of how following the urge to move and do something is in fact sound – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that the fact that I have to use manipulation against myself and debate with myself clearly show that what I am busy with is shady and not sound at all, or I’d direct myself immediately in certainty. The same goes for the fact that I’m making myself ‘unaware’ of what I’m doing which clearly shows that my intentions are not self-honest. So therefore I commit myself to stop debating with myself and to stop deceive myself into following urges through debating with myself in my mind. So as soon as I notice that I am carrying out an internal conversation in my mind, I stop. And I breathe.
When and as I direct myself to remain here instead of following an urge and I see that I am experiencing fear as an ‘inner itch’ of irritation and anxiousness, I stop the experience and I breathe here into and as my physical body in stabilizing myself. Because I see, realize and understand that the urge to move I’ve become addicted to is in fact based on a fear of being here within and as myself and more specifically within and as the particular point I am facing in the moment through which I’ve used fear as a defense mechanism so as to not have to face myself here. And so immediately in the moment I face a point I don’t want to face that I experience resistance towards, I’ll activate the fear as the physical experience of uncomfortability and ‘itching’ and from there I’ll activate the thought as an image through which I’ll activate the experience of an urge as a desire to go somewhere and do something else and through this I’ll activate the backchat where I’ll convince myself that it’s a good idea that I move myself and lastly I’ll actually follow the urge and move myself away from here. And as such I’ve ‘successfully’ prevented myself from facing myself, until next time. Because as I have established in all clarity: I can’t escape myself. There is no escape. And so I commit myself remain consistent within stopping myself from following urges and I commit myself to face and embrace myself within and as the fear of being here within and as myself.
I commit myself to face myself in and as the points that I experience resistance towards facing – so that when I am sitting here and working on my thesis or are writing or doing an assignment and I see that an experience of resistance is coming up – instead of activating the ‘urge to move’ pattern – I remain here and I look myself straight in the “I” that I am facing myself as. And I embrace whatever it is I don’t want to face and I walk through it – either immediately through breathing through the experience or if I see that it is required, I schedule a writing for myself where I can write the point out and walk through it and as such direct it immediately and align myself to directing myself here without fear or resistance.
When and as I see that I am participating within and as mind busyness where I am running inside my mind from point to point exactly as I do in my daily participation – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that this is exactly the same as running away from myself through physically moving myself and as such I commit myself to stop participating within and as mind-busyness and I commit myself to support myself through diligently focus on breathing myself here. And I commit myself to bring myself back to breath in every moment, so that when and as I see that I am not here breathing, I direct myself gently and firmly back to breath here.
I commit myself to stop endorsing and participating in self-defense mechanisms where what and who I protect myself as, is the mind. Because I now see, realize and understand that protecting myself as the mind, is protecting myself as an illusion that has the consequence of me existing as an abuser manifesting abuse, separation, inequality and suffering in myself, in my relationship with others and in the world as a whole. I see, realize and understand that I don’t need or require self-defense mechanisms to live or exist here effectively – and in fact that I can only live and exist effectively here once I stop self-defense-mechanisms of the mind.
Thanks for walking-with.
What I will write about in my next post, we will find out.
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