November 16, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
The desire for an easy life. That is what I’ll be opening up in this and the coming blog posts. I was supposed to write my Danish blog today where I’ve been writing the Money Character, however I’ve decided to start walking this point here because I see how saturating it is for everything I do and everything I am, including the Money Character. I’ve not yet dived into the depths of this desire and its corresponding fear, so I will allow it to open up as I write these blogs however I do see that it is a vital point to write out and walk through – not only for me, but for all of us.
When I first started looking at it, it was only my personal relationship and experiences with the desire to have an easy life and the consequent fear of ‘hardship’ I saw, but the more I’ve been looking at this point, the more I can see that it is a point that is saturated into the lives of humanity as a whole. Each person’s definition of what an easy life is is contingent upon their particular situation and generational ‘baggage’. For me this has become quite an extreme point that I can now see has contributed extensively to the fuck-ups I’ve created throughout my life. I was born in an area of the world with little to no nature catastrophes. There are no dangerous animals, no wars, and no significant poverty. The only thing there is, is cold half the year and this has been effectively sorted through a thriving money and welfare system.
I grew up believing that I’ve lead a hard life, that I was a victim. But the more I look at it, the more I see how I’ve in fact been born into a most advantageous position, compared to the rest of the world’s population. Because I did not grow up in a family with money at all. I was alone with my mom who worked hard breaking her back as a caretaker working nights. But there was always the comfort of knowing that should anything go wrong, there is a system on standby readily available with housing options, money and work. For whatever other reason, I grew up under the slogan of ‘do whatever makes you happy’. This is what I and my generation heard as a mantra for when we went into adulthood. The worst fear was to live a meaningless boring life. There was no extensive fear for survival, nor did I have to work hard for anything. I am sure that there are people who grew up in this community who did develop discipline and to appreciate working hard and perfecting skills. But for me that simply did not happen.
I see that it has something to do with how my mom was brought up in a super strict religious farming community, so she set out to make herself happy and passed this ‘religion’ on to me. And I grabbed it, teeth and nails and made it mine. So I see how this desire for an easy life and the fear of hardship has accumulated through a process where all things in my life worked together for me to become such a person. My school growing up was a free school focusing on independence and creativity. No discipline. My mother did not and could not discipline me. I was never faced with severe consequences through which I learned to push through hardship. And last but not least, this was simply who I accepted myself as. What I mean is that it is in no way anyone else’s responsibility that I’ve become who I’ve become. It is simply that all these components fitted together in such a way that I came to live this point to an utmost extreme. And so I sit here now – faced with myself. I’ve not learned any skills thoroughly because I’ve given up every time I was faced with something that was remotely difficult: guitar, knitting, Spanish, German, math and the list goes on and on.
I am sitting here at the end of an education that I’ve walked through in the same momentum of only doing that which is easy and now I am actually faced with the point of having to complete a degree through pushing through something that I find difficult and hard. The consequence if I don’t is that I don’t get my degree. So for the first time – in many ways – it is absolutely real. But not only that, if I can’t even push myself through this, how am I ever going to push through this process of walking through the mind? And so I’ve been slowly but surely building up to facing this point more directly, basically since I was born. And I am more and more seeing the consequences and I am more and more seeing how it is founded in this rather simple point of desiring an easy life and fearing hardship. I’ve actually written about it extensively in previous writings, but only from the perspective of the fear of hardship. So here I’ll be walking this desire. Because I AM and I WILL walk through this. I see so many severe consequences, not only for myself in this life, but also of how this desire and how we live in and as it, has detrimental consequences at a global level and so I am determined to walk through it. My goal, so to speak, is to establish the self-integrity and backbone so that I can push through when something is hard and difficult and to simultaneously stop the desire for an easy life, because I see that this is the kind of character that is required for us to walk ourselves through this mess we’ve created of ourselves and of this earth. There is no room for an easy life and living an easy life is a deliberate spite and superiority towards the rest of life who have no rest, no comfort, no ease and who are barely able to stay alive. So I am here to rip this point opens for myself and if you can relate to what I am walking here, I definitely invite you to rip this point open for yourself as well and walk-with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my entire life, my outlook on life and how I have been living on the principle of ‘do what makes you happy’ that I’ve heard my mother saying and have come to interpret as a profound prescription on what I am supposed to do with my life. (What I mean here is that others might have heard from their parents “work hard and be humble” or whatever and that is then the life-principle they’ve lived religiously by. For me it was then this sentence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I only to what makes me happy and not do what does not make me happy, my life will be good and fulfilled and successful and I thus forgive myself that I’ve never actually accepted or allowed myself to question what it means to be happy and whether I can trust the experience of happiness – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that happiness is a feeling that is based on self-interest because I within happiness only care about myself and how I feel, while taking nothing and no one else into consideration and thus happiness cannot be trusted as a prescription for how to live life, because it is not based on the principle of what is best for all, but only on personal energetic experience of positivity that one can actually justify abuse through for example through saying: “well, I see the consequences but I am going to do it anyway because it makes me happy and that is all that matters.”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live religiously devoted to the words “do what makes you happy” that I believed to be important and profound words because I that is what my mother told me and I believed that my mother knew what is best for me as I’ve defined my mother as the person who has the authority to show me everything about the world and towards whom I must stand accountable because my life depends on them as I’ve defined and accepted the relationship between parent and child. (Obviously this ‘slogan’ was also highly promoted in the rest of my community and most certainly through commercials and advertisement, but such points severed more of reminding me of this ‘goal’ rather than being the foundation of it which I see have to do with how I believed my mother’s values to be profound and almost sacred in how I defined myself in my relationship to my mother
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use the principle of “do what makes you happy” to justify giving up on and not participating in anything that did not immediately made me happy, including home-work, relationships and facing my fears as points where I clearly see that it would have been absolutely beneficial for me to push through my fear and resistance towards these points but where I used this prescription of only doing that which gives me a positive experience so that I did not have to do anything I did not wanted to or that I feared or found difficult
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never question the positive experience within doing what makes me happy and asking myself and cross-referencing that which makes me happy in practical reality because then I would have seen that if it makes me happy to for example do drugs and not do my home-work I can’t trust the principle of only doing that which makes me happy and I can trust that only living for positive energetic experiences is a good and beneficial way of living, because I can’t trust that that which makes me happy as in generating a positive energetic experience, is in fact also what is best for me at an individual level and best for all at a global level
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the consequences I’ve created for myself and for everyone else, through living according the principle of only doing that which makes me happy and I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that being happy is not a consistent, stable state of being that reflects of is reflecting one’s life – but is in fact only a feeling as an energetic charged positively within and as one’s mind and body that is fleeting and unstable and that one constantly have to recharge to maintain and most often even create a massive net of lies where one suppress oneself through because the actual reality of one’s self and one’s life situation is so that it will not make one happy because it is essentially shit – to keep masquerading this happy face
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how ‘do what makes you happy’ is simply yet another religious prescription for how to live that is no different or more profound than any other moral or religious life-prescription that parents pass onto their children as profound philosophical and divine insights into ‘how to make meaning of life’ and that I’ve in fact held onto this principle because I believed in it and trusted it – because of how I related myself to my mother and to my mother’s words and values as being profound and real, and also because I did not have access to any alternative prescriptions or principles of how to live as most of my community, country and culture are living according to the same principle and all impulsed information I had access to, like stories, movies and advertisements said exactly the same thing
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and insist within myself that I don’t have to do anything that does not immediately make me happy because my happiness is the most important thing in this entire existence and I also forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to live according to the prescription of ‘do what makes you happy’ as it was presented to me by my mother in how I perceived it as an admonition almost like: “Do what makes you happy, or else!” where I feared that I would let my mother down if I did not live according to this principle based on her resonant experiences from her life, where she’d experienced herself as having fought her way out of an enslaved life-situation and thus was passing this ‘insight’ on to me and thus I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don’t do what makes me happy, my mother will be disappointed in me and I will be responsible for her experience and will feel bad and guilty and also that if I don’t do what makes me happy, I will be trapped in a bad, boring and meaningless life
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and as such become a fundamental religious devotee of believing that the meaning with life is for me to be happy and that nothing else matters as much as this, instead of considering that what makes me happy might be self-abusive or abusive towards others/life in general and therefore that when all that matters is a feeling of happiness, I am in fact compromising and sacrificing real content and satisfaction in living in such a way that is best for the totality of myself and best for everyone else as well as a practical, physical expression of myself in living participation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I don’t do what makes me happy, my life will suck and I will be miserable as a religious fear exactly as how people fear that if they don’t live the prescription of ‘god’ in the church, they will be doomed to walk the flames of hell for eternity
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not consider, see, realize and understand that when I only focus on doing what makes me happy, I am in fact not caring about anyone or anything else – except for how they can contribute to my happiness – which means directly that I am willing to abuse and exploit others in the name of my happiness because that is what I’ve decided is all that matters and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only way I’ve been able to justify this for myself, is through deliberately making myself blind towards the suffering of this world – because if I were to really actually face it, I would also see that it is a consequence of who I am, in my pursuit of happiness that is only possible as long as someone else suffers and I ignore them
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately and with full intention disregard the fact that my ability to do what makes me happy is entirely contingent upon my access to money and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deliberately insist that ‘happiness does not cost anything’ and ‘you can be happy anywhere’ and ‘I don’t need any material things to be happy’ instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that everything of what I’ve defined as making me happy, has been provided through me in one way or another through my access to money. Let’s take an example to really get this point absolutely cemented as a fact: If what makes you happy is to walk in a serene forest, you got to live in a country where all the trees have not been cut down or polluted, you need to live in a place where the forest is not surrounded by a noisy freeway that will disturb your ‘nature’ experience. And no – that is not some exotic island. They’re all being deforested by the minute. Only rich countries can afford serene designer-forests. You need to have access to proper clothing. On the other hand, if you live in a bombed out country somewhere in the world with no food, no money, no resources, no jobs, no clean water – how are you ever going to be happy? How is it even possible? And don’t say that it is a matter of attitude. Because when you’re entire waking moment is filled with agonizing hunger, I am quite sure that the only thing that goes through your mind is food. And when you get the food, what you feel inside is not happiness. It is relief that the pain finally stopped for a moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate and equate ‘being happy’ as I’ve defined it as ‘the meaning of life’ with the experience of positive energies inside myself thus not seeing, realizing and understanding that I’ve made whatever I generate a positive energetic experience towards is that which I will experience and define as making me happy and thus as the meaning of life, no matter how abusive or destructive such an experience might be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to associate and equate ‘not being happy’ and thus as that which I fear and believe and accept that I should stay the hell away from with negative energetic experiences especially as points of participation that I experience as hard and difficult and that does not immediately come easy to me – thus creating a total pattern within and as myself, where I will, whenever I am faced with/facing myself in/as such a point, will immediately activate this urge to back out of it – believing this to be my ‘integrity’ and ‘loyalty’ towards the principle of only doing that which makes me happy, where, when I give up on such a point feel relieved and happy again because I ‘dodged a bullet’ not seeing, realizing or understanding the utter absurdity of my reasoning as that which I believe makes life meaningful and also how I’ve used to belief as a justification to slip out of taking responsibility and facing myself in every moment of participation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate happiness with experiences and expressions where I feel and experience myself as ‘natural’ and ‘at ease’ which is points of application and participation that ‘comes naturally to me’ where I don’t have to ‘try hard’ to make it work or to be effective and because I’ve equated being happy with ‘the meaning of life’ I’ve also believed that I should only do that which I experience as easy, because I don’t feel happy when I have to do something that I experience as hard and difficult
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see the utter absurdity in equating ‘doing what makes me happy’ with ‘the meaning of life’ because in doing what makes ME happy I am only and totally and completely focused upon myself and my own inner energetic experiences where I’ve literally taken the totality of life and made that about me being happy, as though the only meaning there is for ALL of Life is my personal happiness and I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how this is manifested in specific detail in the world system of consumerism that plays upon this exact principle where we’ve collectively as individually deceived ourselves into believing that when each of us do what makes us individually happy, we’re fulfilling ‘the meaning of life’ – not seeing, realizing and understanding – deliberately so – that when we’re only concerned with ourselves and our own inner experiences, we are literally disregarding the totality of life, in which we ourselves are included and thus through living to be happy, we are actually living in annihilation of ourselves as life
In my next post I will write out self-commitment and self-corrective statements on how I’ve based my entire life and my outlook on life upon the sentence ‘do what makes you happy’. Because I see how destructive, deceptive and abusive this sentence is and how it has in no way contributed to making me an effective human being in this world or to contribute to making the world a place that is best for all. After that I will continue with the desire for an easy life as a primary pattern that I allow myself to abdicate myself to in my daily participation and that has detrimental consequences for myself and for the example I allow myself to stand as, as a representative for the human race.
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