November 16, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participating in comparison with other human beings or with myself how I see myself as having been better in the past – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been using comparison to fuck with myself and to separate myself from actually walking here and directing myself to change. So I commit myself to stop participate in comparison towards others that I see as being better than me and towards myself as I see myself as having been better in the past. I commit myself to remind myself that it is absolutely useless to participate in such projections and points of competition of being ‘more’ and ‘better than’ because the only consequence is that I’ll feel like shit and accept myself as ‘less than’ through which I activate the justification of giving up on myself.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat following comparison where I say to myself that “I want to change BUT I CAN’T!!!”, “I am such an idiot I am not like her”, “I wish I was like her”, “It is not my fault I can’t change – I WAS BORN THIS WAY!!!” – I stop and I breathe and I stop participating in this back chat.
Because I see, realize and understand that once I’ve gotten to this point of backchat in fighting for my own limitation, I am well on my way to justify giving up on myself and that I am busy formulating a defense within and as myself that I’ll use to ‘make it right’ that I am giving up on myself. And I see, realize and understand that I’ve used feeling like shit over not being good enough to feel better about not being good enough – lol – instead of actually simply seeing the point and correcting it immediately and I see, realize and understand that if one is serious about changing, it does not matter what anyone else does or says – one will find a way to change.
So I commit myself to stop fighting for my limitations because I now see, realize and understand that all I am doing is sawing off the branch I am sitting on and deceiving myself
And I commit myself to be serious about changing myself – which has nothing to do with anything or anyone else and so I also commit myself to stop focusing on others and to bring focus back to myself walking here committed to change myself – as I see, realize and understand that this is what matters. And I commit myself to, when I see that there is a point of application where I am not serious about changing myself – serious meaning that I am applying myself fully – in common sense – to change myself – to correct myself and move myself to be serious, so that I don’t have to set this entire loop in ‘motion’ all to prevent myself from actually facing and changing myself. And I commit myself to make myself willing to change and so take each point where I see that I am not willing to change into writing and expose this to myself in self-honesty instead of lying to myself and saying that I want to change, when I in fact don’t.
When and as I see that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as images and projections about what I am supposed to do where I’d look at how far I am from doing what I am supposed to do – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here to practical application
Because I see, realize and understand that this is a pattern of self-deception, sabotage and manipulation that I’ve allowed myself to create and participate within through which I’ve convinced myself that it is what is going on in the mind that matters where I’d totally and completely disregard practical reality – which is the entire point of such projections. Because I see, realize and understand that I am right here and that it is only here I can change myself, meaning what is here within and as myself in this here moment. I can’t change some entire grand existential process and I see, realize and understand that when I thus focus upon ‘process’ as I’ve defined it within my mind, I am not in fact walking the actual process which is right here with who and what I am here, which is in every moment specific and practical to walk through. I simply got to direct myself to do so.
So – I commit myself to stop trying to walk this process in/through/as my mind from within and as how I’ve defined process in my mind, which is in a self-interested, distorted definition that has nothing to do with actual practical application or change and I commit myself to bring myself back to the process of changing myself here as the only process. I commit myself to see, realize and understand that there is no process but practical actual change and that the big existential idea I have held of what ‘process’ is and of ‘who I am’ within it, is not real and is in fact something I’ve used to fuck with myself because I’ve interpreted it from within and as who I’ve allowed myself to be – only thinking and caring about myself and my self-image and my fear of not surviving and my belief that I must compete with others to survive. So I commit myself to let go of the definition of ‘process’ I’ve held in the mind and to flag point this for myself so that when and as I see that I am busy participating in this distorted idea of ‘process’ in the mind – to simply stop and bring myself back here.
When and as I see that I am participating in ‘the story’ about ‘who I am’ specifically as the idea of me being more than myself, or supposed to be more than myself, I stop and I breathe and I remind myself that this is not real.
Because I see, realize and understand that when I am living based on an idea about me being more than who and what I am here in fact, I am separating myself from myself here and am thus disabling myself from changing and I see, realize and understand that when I am participating in an idea about who I am or who I believe I am supposed to be, as being more than who I am here, I am accepting the physical actual reality that is here and me here in it, as being less than and inferior to my idea about myself – in that moment, I am gone and all that exists is this idea
So I commit myself to stop believing and thus let go of the belief that I am more than or supposed to be more than who I am here, as I see, realize and understand that I can never be more than what is here, because what is here is here – that does however not mean that I can’t change myself here or that I don’t have a responsibility to change myself here. It simply means that it is only here I can change, not in someone else, not to become someone else, not somewhere else.
When and as I see that I am deliberately pushing myself to do more and be more in my participation through rushing, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve been doing this so as to not be confronted with ‘the reality’ of myself as ‘less than’ my idea about myself as ‘more than’ through which I’ve thoroughly been fucking with myself creating layer upon layer of self-deception – all the while the point was simplistically that I simply did not want to face and change myself here as who I am and that I was walking based on an idea instead of walking-with myself here in and as practical reality
And I see, realize and understand that through focusing on proving myself worthy to others I have pushed myself here away in and through self-judgment with the consequence of my participation having been unstable and inconsistent because I have not actually walked-with myself, as myself, but have attempted to outrun myself –through this ‘equation’ of believing myself to be more than ‘who I am’ and thus judging ‘who I am’ as less than the idea
So I commit myself to stop walking and living according to ideas I’ve submitted and subjected myself to about who I am and who I believe I am supposed to be and I commit myself to instead bring my application and walking and living and breathing back to humbleness in walking here, step by step, point by point focusing on what is here in this moment, letting go of all and everything that is not here – this does obviously not mean that I can’t plan for the future in common sense or work in writing with specific patterns, but merely that my starting-point is here and not in an alternate reality in the mind
I commit myself to walk-with myself, which means walking HERE and I commit myself to remind myself of this in gently and firmly bringing myself back here whenever I see that I am attempting to outrun myself
When and as I see that I am resisting writing out a particular point because I am judging myself within it as ‘less than’ my idea about myself and who I believe I am supposed to be, I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here in humbleness to self-support in making the decision to walk with myself here through whatever point I see is required for me to walk through
Because I see, realize and understand that if I don’t walk-with myself here in and through my writings for example, then whatever I do is useless and phony because I am not doing it for/with/as myself but because of an idea about who I believe I am supposed to be as being more and better than who I am in fact – as that which I am accepting myself as in the moment. So I commit myself to dedicate myself to writing FOR me – AS me and to stop participating in any ideas about who I am supposed to be or how my writings are supposed to be
When and as I see that I am participating within and as a belief/experience/acceptance of myself as not good enough in comparison to my idea about who I am supposed to be/have been before/how others are – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I’ve annihilated myself, I’ve annihilated actual practical reality, through only giving value to what comes up in/through/as the mind, where I’ve been walking only to get rid of myself so that I could become this elusive ‘more’ that in fact had nothing to do with that which I projected this ‘more’ onto – but only existed as a desire for ‘more’.
And so I stop the desire to be and become and have an experience more, because I now see, realize and understand that the more I want – the less I’ll be because I within wanting more am disregarding what is here in fact and I commit myself to simply apply common sense within seeing something that I see I require expanding myself within and as, to apply this as a practical correction and change of myself that I direct here
In my next post I will open up a point that pertains to what I’ve seen as my main pattern and that through which I’ve been sabotaging myself the most extensively, which is the desire for an easy life. I’ve been circling around this point for some time, both within my day-to-day living and in looking at how to ‘get rid of’ myself – lol – from the perspective I’ve mentioned previously of “I must become more”. And until now I’ve not completely broken through to myself as to WHAT is in fact the core point and now I see that it is this desire for an easy life. So stay tuned.
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