November 9, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog post I am continuing from my last post with self-forgiveness on the point of chasing projections – however I am also restablishing my starting-point in this blog series.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I’ve used projections to deliberately fuck with myself so as to divert my own attention and focus from what actually matters – which is bringing myself to self-honesty and bringing myself back to breath through self-will and self-directive movement and instead have accepted and allowed myself to define, perceive and experience ‘what matters’ as that which I am thinking/seeing/feeling within and as and through the mind – through which I in no way stands within the purpose of living what is best for all, but only care about the story I’ve created about myself and how I can be/have and get more
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to specifically make use of comparisons within and as projections in/as/of the mind to separate myself from myself here and from the point of practically applying and directing myself to change – into a point of competition, either towards another human being (in the mind) or towards an image of myself as who I’ve made myself believe I should be or was in the past or should become in the future
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actively seek out and participate in these projections through comparison and competition so as to separate myself from myself here deliberately in and through refusing to face – and thus change myself, while manipulating and deceiving myself because I am consciously standing in a point of justification of “I want to change but I can’t” where I’d literally deceive myself into believing that me feeling like shit over not being the best I can be is somehow indicating my willingness to change – when the fact of the matter is that if one is serious about changing, one changes oneself
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously throughout my day, conjure up images and projections about what I am supposed to do where I’d look at how far I am from doing what I am supposed to do through which I’d separate myself even further into a split state of mind, where I am only focusing on how reality looks from within a particular mind ‘optic’ and in no way are focusing on what is actually here in practical reality, right in front of me, as me – because then I’d see that practical application and self-movement is available in every moment and is and cannot be based on some grand ‘process’ in my mind towards some form of enlightenment or absolution
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create an idea and a story about ‘who I am’ within and as this process that is not based on practical reality, but on an idea and belief about myself as being more-than who and what I in fact am here and as such I forgive myself that I through having created this idea and belief about who I am, have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, judge, define and experience myself here in and as the physical as inferior to the idea I have about myself – and so as to not be ‘confronted’ with ‘the reality’ of myself as inferior to this idea about myself, I’ve instead focused on proving myself worthy to others and have pushed myself here away in and through self-judgment with the consequence of my participation having been unstable and inconsistent because I have not actually walked-with myself, as myself, but have attempted to outrun myself –through this ‘equation’ of believing myself to be more than ‘who I am’ and thus judging ‘who I am’ as less than the idea
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in self-judgment and thus resistance and suppression towards writing this blog – exactly because I am coming from a starting-point of having an idea about who I am supposed to write as and how I am supposed to write and what is supposed to come out of this writing – all of which I’ve created through participating in the mind in and through projections of comparison and thus competition – in this case of my writings – to this idea about myself and to a projected idea about others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to walk process in fact, because I basically believe and accept that ‘who I really am’ (which is my judgment of myself) is not good enough and the only way I can become good enough is through manifesting this idea about myself as superior into reality through ignoring, annihilating and getting rid of myself as who I see myself as here in fact – through which I am not actually walking for me, but to get rid of me to become something more as pr. Automation and not through actual self-application
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the more I participate in this idea about who I am supposed to be, either within a positive experience of “yes I got it” as living the superiority because what I do or the feedback I perceive myself to be getting, fits the idea of who I believe I am supposed to be or as a negative experience because and when and as I perceive that the feedback I am getting and what I do, does not fit into the idea I have about who I am supposed to be
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that how what I see and who I see myself as when I look inside my mind at ‘who I am’ is not in fact real and thus from this perspective, I don’t even know who I am, because I’ve not allowed myself to see beyond the mind
I am going to stop for a moment here, because I can see that I am not writing structured or detailed enough even though there is a theme in this blog so I’ll easily go into multiple directions where I’m not effectively walking-with myself through my writing.
So if I walk it backwards for a moment from the point I started with, the purpose here for me is to bring myself back to breath, which means that as I am here directing myself in/as and through breath, I am stopping my participation in and through the mind and I am making the commitment of becoming a being of integrity and self-honesty in self-responsibility re-integrating myself into and as the physical as a being that lives with all that is here inequality as what is best for all. One vital point within this is me actually directing myself to bring myself back to breath which I can only do if I am not allowing myself to get ‘lost’ in, as and through the mind. So this is the point I am writing out the dimensions of at the moment, or rather various dimensions because obviously this is like taking on the entire mind-system at once, which is obviously not practical. So the specific points I am walking are based on this purpose of bringing myself back to self-direction of willing myself to breathe instead of participating in the mind – and as such I am looking at the abdication of myself through which I am manifesting why I am not bringing myself back to breath. Then I’ve written about cognitive distortions as that which we give value to and prioritize over being here as breath. One of these is the projections I’ve been writing about that is manifested through the consequence of me constantly running around trying to prove myself in stress and anxiety. This is then based on me participating in ideas and beliefs about who I am ‘supposed to be’ based on competition and comparison projected towards other human beings and specific ideas about myself. Now – this is then the specific point that I’ve been taking on in this and in the previous writing. And so now is where I see that I require specifying my writing further so as to effectively be able to direct myself to walk through this point as another piece of the puzzle in bringing myself back to breath.
What I saw through the previous blog post is how the point of projection is a self-sabotage strategy because when I participate in and through this, I am specifically NOT participating here in actually changing and correcting myself. I just asked myself the question: “Then when will I be good enough?” My answer is: I am good enough when I walk absolutely without a shadow of a doubt standing up for what is best for all in every moment. That is the only point I’ll accept as good enough.” However – this is not a practical equation, because at the moment, this is merely an idea about perfection, benevolence and altruism in my mind – it is an idea. Another question to myself is then: Well, if this is the only way of being that I will accept as good enough and I will be and make myself unsatisfied and anxious until I ‘get it’ – then why am I not doing it? And then another point is also that I am looking at a perfect end-result, which is actually a being who’s walked their entire process out of the mind through practical application step by step – it is and can only be that, which is in a way really cool, because it is a failsafe against cheaters and phonies. There’s no faking your way through this one. So – what I see actually is that this process, because this is really what it is all about, is about walking the steps necessary towards this point of standing absolutely. So I have a look at who I am in my daily participation and which points of participations through which I am sabotaging myself the most or simply pick the points that are emergent and transparent in the moment where I sit down to write. And THIS is IT. It is not that it is ‘all I have to do’ but this is what process is and what process means and I tend to get lost in an end result that I simply want to manifest effortlessly without taking who I am in practicality into consideration. Not who I am through the judgment of my mind – or the grand ideas about who I am, but simply looking at my actions and my motivations and starting-points within what I do and who I am as I do it – because I KNOW EXACTLY WHO I AM AND WHAT I ACCEPT AND ALLOW. The other part, that entire whole ‘process’ in my mind has nothing to do with what process actually is and is yet another cognitive distortion.
So – this is what I will do from now on in these blogs, I will take on the point that I see as emergent and transparent within my daily participation through which I see that I am the most sabotaging myself to not bring myself back to breath and then walk through it practically so as to take responsibility for who and what I am within and as the point and accordingly correct, change and re-align myself.
In my next blog post I will continue with self-corrective and self-commitment statements on the points that has come up here and in the previous blog and from the blog.