November 7, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this blog I’ll continue opening up the cognitive distortion of chasing after projections and the solution of slowing down within the context of bringing myself back to breath, that I started opening up in the previous blog. A point to consider as well is that the mind is a cognitive distortion in itself and cognition in the form of mind-based interpretations of reality are distortive per definition – which is what I am here to correct and also so that my participation in practical reality is not based on interpretations, but on actual seeing and living and being, which is the difference between directive breathing and moving myself and existing through interpretations of the mind.
Because when I exist based on interpretations of the mind, what I see, who I am and even what I do, is distorted by the interpretations of the mind as I accept these as showing me what is real, who I am, what to do and how to feel. These cognitive distortions as thoughts, backchat and reactions are also based on the past, where I formed relationships TO actual reality, myself and others and thus created a separate, distorted reality in my mind that I then acted according to and accepted as ‘who I am’ based on – instead of living according to the direct feedback and equations of physical reality directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant state of anxiety and stress because I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this experience as ‘who I am’ as something that is ‘normal’ – based on a justification that I’ve created for myself as based on a belief and an idea of ‘who I am’ where I’ve justified my experience of anxiety for myself as ‘natural’ and thus acceptable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify for myself creating, participating within and as a constant state of anxiety as ‘natural’ as the mean that justifies the goal based on the belief that I am simply not good enough and that I must do and be better and as such that the anxiety that I experience is justified because of it – instead of me actually questioning in detail my acceptance of myself as not good enough and the want/need/desire to do and be better and thus not having to create and go into a state of anxiety based on a belief and idea about ‘who I am’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have interpreted my constant experience of anxiety as a ‘motivation to change’ and as such also within and as that have confirmed, validated, endorsed and accentuated the belief and idea that I am not good enough and that I must be and become better as I’ve used the experience of anxiety to incite my experience of not being good enough and thus justify it as real and valid
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me chasing after projections in my mind about ‘who’ and ‘how’ I should be through which I incite myself into an experience of constant anxiety, is completely justified within and as insisting on the fact that “I am just not good enough, so I must become better” where I’d take something I’ve done or not done that I see is not acceptable or self-dishonest and instead of immediately bringing the point to practical correction in taking responsibility for who I allowed myself to be, instead manipulate myself into an experience of not being good enough – through which I don’t actually direct myself to correct the point, because I am now consumed with emotions and thoughts about not being good enough, focusing on this point of chasing the ‘good enough’ in my mind – instead of actually focusing on how to correct myself in my physical, practical participation
Because see – the point is not that what I did not did not do does not have to be corrected, in most cases it does and that is what I see. But then instead of stepping immediately into that point of correction, I take the point personally and define my entire being and process according to it – which I see serves the purpose of actually postponing the point of correcting myself – which is of course self-compromise and self-sabotage through self-manipulation. If I for example have not written my blog one day, I’ve then started feeling bad about it and started thinking what an idiot I am because I don’t have the discipline to write my blog and then I’d look at others who do post their blog every day and start comparing myself to them, thinking that I should be like them and the fact that I am not, shows what an idiot I am (or evil or stupid or just not good enough in general as a being) and then my entire focus would be on how I am not good enough and should be better.
But within this I would not even go to the point of making the commitment to write every day and even if I did, it would be from this perspective of getting this monkey off my back of feeling like shit – and not based on actual self-direction, which is then the point of chasing projections like: “I should post a blog every day, if I don’t post a blog every day, I am doomed, what will people think when they see that I don’t post a blog every day, she posts a blog every day, oh my god, she is SO much better than me, see how everyone respects her, why is it so easy for her…” and what I would then NOT do, is actually go back to the point and have a look in self-honesty at the decision I made to not post my blog – through which I could in fact enable myself to correct myself and change. So in chasing projections, we’re actually also chasing reality away and are not giving ourselves a chance to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have used the point of chasing after projections and the subsequent experience of anxiety and feeling inadequate and not good enough, to justify postponing/resisting and not directing the point of actually facing myself in self-honesty and correcting myself in my practical living application
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have manipulated myself through and within and as self-victimization within and as the experience of anxiety towards not being good enough and the belief that I have to be and do better, because I have equated and associated the experience of not being good enough with being a victim and thus with not being responsible for who I am, what I do within and as defining victimhood as something that is beyond one’s own control and thus someone else’s fault and responsibility
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, judge and hate myself for not being good enough – based on an idea and belief about whom and what I should be, instead of seeing the point of not good enough as a practical point that can and is required to be directed by me to correct myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not good enough at something specific, it means that I am not good enough at all and that this is permanent and irrevocable, instead of seeing and approaching each point I face and where I for example see that I was being self-dishonest within a point of application, to simply correct myself within that point – realizing, seeing and understanding that my actions are based on who I accept and allow myself to be and that it is who I accept and allow myself to be that I will be – and that this does not mean that I can’t and require changing who I accept and allow myself to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with hate, judgment, spite and blame towards myself when I see that I am not living my full potential – where I based my perception of ‘full potential’ on an idea about ‘who I could and should be’ instead of as a practical point of self-movement and self-direction based on the point of understanding how changing oneself requires absolute consistent application and dedication
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to chase after projections in/through my mind that I superimpose onto my practical participation for example within actual physical rushing or placing myself deliberately in situations where I believe I manifest myself as these projections – that are based on comparison and competition, either with an idea about myself in the past and/in the future or with others who I’ve made representing my idea about myself in the past and in the future – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that walking this process of becoming an honorable, trustworthy, respectable, stable human being does not have anything to do with ideas or projections in my mind as these are based on/as cognitive distortions as ideas about ideals and processes and relationships – all coming from myself as ‘ego’ as that part of and as me that I’ve let direct me through existence as the desire to ‘make more out of me’ – as the only incentive to move or change myself in any way what so ever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the projections I am chasing in/through/as the mind about who I want/need/desire to be and the idea and belief about who I should be – has absolutely nothing to do with the process of walking myself out of the mind and walking for/as all in changing ourselves into beings that live in a way that is best for all – as that which exist in/as/of the mind exist FOR the mind and I forgive myself thus that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the ‘process’ I am seeing within and as and through the mind is in fact not real, but for what it reflects back to me as that which I’ve accepted myself as – in and as the mind.
(I will continue with these self-forgiveness statements in my next blog post)
Thanks for walking-with!
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