November 1, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Today I watched an episode of the tv-series Criminal Minds. The story was about a woman who after her husband had died, had gotten sick and later became psychotic within how she reacted to her husband dying. She was now kidnapping and killing men as a part of a grand plot in her mind to regain health. What I saw within, was an extreme example of the lengths we as humans will go to, to satisfy the delusions in our minds – where we live and act upon these insane plots and ideas and fears and desires – where we even distort the physical reality we see, hear and experience to fit our distorted minds storyline. And I, even though I have walked with Desteni for some years, still get consumed by emotional experiences and reactions based on backchat, where I’d rattle up an entire alternate, often paranoid, version of a scenario and concurrently make myself go into an emotional possession because of it. The point I’ve been looking at today is the following, after understanding all of this (evidently limitedly so) I still allow myself to get corrupted by the mind – and let there be no mistake, I understand that it is my own doing and that it is me doing it to me. So the only point I see a relevant to investigate is: why would I do that? What am I getting out of allowing myself to become possessed by emotions, well knowingly that it is not real – and even more so, that the consequences are devastating? What is the program I require hacking into through common sense, writing and directive breathing to reconfigure myself as someone who does not become possessed by emotions, but who sees emotions for what they are and simply don’t participate or accept such experiences as real or valid? To continue with the reference from the woman in the episode of Criminal Minds, she became psychotic when her husband died and she fell ill. So she ‘couldn’t handle’ the reaction she experienced when her husband died based on the relationship she’d created towards him in her mind. She’d made even her sanity depend on him. And so she created a story that took her away from the reality of the situation and from what she experienced and from herself as the creator of and thus then one responsible for her experience – which would have been the only way to actually change her experience – and she instead gave herself into in completely. The idea within this corrupted distortion is then that ‘I am helping myself’ – but in fact what one is doing, is separating oneself further and further from actual reality and from an actual solution to what one is experiencing.
So – to bring this back to myself what I see is the following: I would not give myself over to the emotional possessions of the mind, if I did get something out of it. Unfortunately such decisions – even though they in fact are Here – are often made in moment and then automated to the point where one does not even realize that “I am in fact the creator of myself.” – That does not mean however that I can’t bring this decision here or take self-responsibility. Because that is exactly the function and purpose of these writings, where we directively make the decision to go “full disclosure” on ourselves, at least that is the point, and through the physical act of deliberateness in writing, it is possible to disclose even such points of automation that one would not have imagined was one’s own creation and thus responsibility.
Back to the point of giving self over to emotional possessions, it is interesting, because it is so tempting to want to play the victim and claim that ‘it was the emotions that did this to me’ lol – instead of the other way around. Also when I talk about what “I” get out of being emotional, I mean myself as the mind – because if I in that moment is completely giving myself over to emotions, I am also accepting that ‘who I am’ is the mind and the mind only, in that moment.
If I am to go with the time-line that I saw in the episode of criminal minds as to why the woman became psychotic – it was because of something she believed and experience she could not handle – and within that she also separated herself from her own experience and made a decision to not take responsibility and as such also making the statement that the experience was more than her, hence the demonic possession. What I experienced for example today when I allowed myself to go into an emotional reaction was based on backchat that I had accumulated in my mind, like saying over and over like a mantra: “this distorted version of reality is real, this distorted version of reality is real…” that again was based on an idea and a belief about something/someone in my external reality that again was based on a fear. The fear however was based on a desire within and as self-interest – which is where the distortion starts. Because in that moment when I start wanting something or someone or when I want reality or myself to be something else/more than what is here, I set a process of self-delusion and deception in motion, believing that I can ‘get there’ – while there never were such a thing as there. So it is like stepping off a cliff having convinced oneself that there’s a bridge reaching into heaven if one just believes it is there. One still falls and crushes one’s skull. And so – there is an insistence when participating in emotional possession, meaning that it would not have gotten that far, without my specific insistence on it as real – my endorsement of myself to it. Why? Because I still believe in this distorted desire and are still allowing myself to be preoccupied with this one point of self-interest – whatever it is. Which in turn is based on self, separating oneself from oneself in/as that point that one come to manifest a desire towards? Lol – it is like wanting to catch a feather flying away but with every step one takes, the moment of one’s body sets the feather in motions and blows it even further away.
So – what I see is this: I could have walked this timeline with a particular point, either immediately in simply directing myself to see it or through a process of writing which is what I am doing now. But the point that I reacted to today, emerged months and months ago and has been creeping closer and closer to my conscious mind and my acting upon it in some rouse of self-delusion. This is the shit through which people kill people, people! It starts with one point – a point that is showing us what we’ve separated from ourselves/separated ourselves from/into/as that we can direct according to a time-line as the one I shared about – which can be quite simplistic and then THAT is the point we walk, the original point of self-separation and it’s outflows and consequences – instead of having to constantly only pick up the pieces of broken class from another emotional possession, where one always only get to wash the blood off from the surface of the wound and keep pressure on it (like suppression of emotions) but never actually get to the core of the wound and thus treat and heal it.
From here I also see that breath is, like participating in the mind, a deliberate decision. I am not going to suddenly wake up one morning, breathing with the birds sitting at my window singing love songs. Lol – that would be the Disney version of reality that fucks us up more than we can imagine. So breath is something I equally have to decide to do directively, meaning that I make a decision to breathe here and to not breathe automated while my attention is only in the mind. But woops! There’s only room for one here. Hehe. So that means that for me to be here breathing, ‘something/someone else’ has got to go. Lol. For the mind there is no room for the physical and therefore the physical cannot be its full potential while being preoccupied by the mind. It is thus either co-exist or not at all. So I make the decision to breathe. And when I am here breathing I can’t be possessed by the mind – it is simply not physically possible, just try it for yourself and se. (just kidding, don’t try this at home.) Therefore – the authority of the mind has to go. There is only room for one here – and that is this here. If I am not here breathing, I am not here at all and it does not matter if I live or die. In fact I am then a parasite that is sucking up the air from other life-forms who would give their life to be in my position.
So – I decide to breathe. Right when I said this, I sneezed and I’ve actually been sick since I started writing this blog, first with fever and the flue and now with a nasty cough. So that is quite interesting because it ‘suggests’ that my breath is corrupted – by physically body is compromised through the possessions that ‘ve allowed to preoccupy me, just like the woman in the episode of Criminal Minds compromised herself and others just so that she could fulfill the agenda of her distorted mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is only room for one here – in both meanings of the sentence, where there is only room for one HERE, which is this physical reality and the space of my human physical body and breath and in the sense that there is only room for ONE here, as whatever I accept myself as, is what I will be. I can’t breathe and be possessed by the mind at the same time – it is not physically possible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that as long as I accept and allow myself to let the mind be the ‘one reality’ that I participate within and as, I cannot possibly be HERE in this actual reality, in my physical body or in this physical existence and as such by deciding that it is the distorted mind-reality that is ‘real’ I’ve abdicated this reality and this physical body and are essentially accepting myself as illusion only – which means that whatever I see, feel, touch, hear – will accordingly be illusional, distorted and delusional and that I will act accordingly IN this physical reality – because even though I dismiss it, for example through not being here in/as breath, it IS in fact the only real reality and thus I enforce my illusion onto the physical reality and thus sacrifice physical reality for illusion – which is exactly what the woman did in the episode of Criminal Minds where she was willing to kidnap and kill people to satisfy her distorted reality and which is exactly what we as humanity do in every detail of our participation here on earth from relationships to war to entertainment to the money and education-systems and religion.
When and as I see that I am no longer here breathing directively and deliberately, bringing myself back to breath – I stop. I breathe within and as the decision to bring myself back to breath.
Because I see, realize and understand that when and as I am no longer here breathing deliberately and directively, it is because I have accepted an alternate distorted reality in my mind as what is real – without any question or doubt or room for interpretation. Either I am here in this physical reality, which means that I am breathing directively or at least that I am pushing myself to become directive in/as breath OR I am not Here at all – which means that I am busy abusing, annihilating and exploiting physical ACTUAL reality for an agenda of a distorted mind.
I see, realize and understand that by making the decision – because it is a decision – to accept and allow the mind to be ‘my reality’ as the where/who/how/why live and breathe – I’ve sacrificed actual reality with the consequences of creating an entire distorted world through which I am annihilating actual reality because of the principle that there is only room for one here.
And so I commit myself to make the choice of living in this HERE reality which I see, realize and understand that I can only do through deliberately bringing myself back to breath as the point of stability through which I can check and ensure whether I am here or not.
I commit myself to develop myself to live according to the principle of ‘there is only room for one here’ within and as understanding that the One there is only room for, is the whole, as all of existence, because I see, realize and understand that if I exist in a mind-space of only being concerned with myself as the mind, I am actively and deliberately disregarding the rest of existence including the only part of me that is real in fact as my physical body and I see, realize and understand how this ‘com-part-mental-ising’ has detrimental consequences for all of existence, because we then as we act IN this whole physical existence, which we cannot ever in fact act APART FROM – we don’t consider the whole, as what is real in fact and thus sacrifice reality for illusion. And I see, realize and understand thus that the only Here there is room for, is the physical Here because it is only through actually being here (which means firstly bringing myself here/becoming here) that I can begin seeing how all of existence interact and how my actions and decisions affects what is here as all.
(I will continue with this point in my next post – thanks for reading and walking-with!)
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