October 30, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
This is Day 2 of my 21 day walk back to Breath. Suggest to read the previous post for context: 21 DAY Commitment: (Day 1) Bringing Myself Back to Breath: DAY 133
As I am about to begin this writing, the first thing I experience is a slight anxiety because ‘I don’t know what to write about’. Usually when I write, I have already decided beforehand and am comfortable with writing myself into/through a specific structure or point. Obviously there is a theme here as well which is the point of bringing myself back to breath, yet as I mentioned in my previous post I have not decided beforehand what exactly each writing will consist of. I can see that this in itself is quite a significant point – because that is what breath is, as we breathe in and breathe out, as we let the breath in, there is no precognition or control or fear of losing the breath that we will let go. We simply breathe. Or most of the time the body is breathing while the mind is preoccupied in alternate realities – so is it even us breathing when we’ve separated ourselves from the body that breathes to such an extent that we’re not even aware or care that it is us breathing? See these 21 days is about bringing myself back to breath, which also means that I’ve ‘gone somewhere’ that is not me here breathing in simplicity. While the body has been breathing all along, “I” has been ‘gone fishin’. So – what is it that is so important that I don’t even give a moments attention to myself here as the body breathing? What is it that is so captivating that I am not here breathing with/as myself? Because as I come here to this writing with the purpose of bringing myself back to breath, I can see clearly that I am not here with myself breathing. So that must mean that “I” am somewhere else. But it also means that the “Who” I identify myself as – is not the body that is here breathing. Cause otherwise I would have been here, lol – breathing.
So – “I” am preoccupied in “my mind” busy most often thinking/feeling/back chatting about myself. I think about how good I am, how bad I am, how fat I am, how tired I am, why I am so useless, how awesome I am, the fact that I’ve aged, where I am going to go next year, whether I will get a job, finishing my thesis, how my partner sees me, how I see my partner in relation to me, whether my cats like me, if I treat my cats okay, how I want to eat that but thinks that I shouldn’t and do it anyway, thinking about why I can’t stop, desiring to watch a movie, feeling bad about watching a movie, whether I am better in this process than another, how I feel totally inadequate compared to that girl, how my life would be so much better if I was her, What I shall spend my money on, feeling ashamed of wanting to spend money, how my mom ruined my life through not teaching me self-discipline, how I don’t want to do something boring, thinking about something that I can buy that does not make me look greedy, not wanting to go to work, how I will probably get sick and die, wondering what I would do in an equal money system…. and so on and so on and so on…
So as is completely obvious, what I am preoccupied with – because and as I am not here breathing
within and as myself as the body – is ME. MEMEMEMEMMEMEMMEMEMEME. And this “ME” is a
according to the dictionary a noun used in Biology for “a cultural or behavioural element passed on by imitation or other non-genetic means.” It is from Greek and means ‘that which is imitated’, on the pattern of gene. Apparantly it was Richard Dawkins who in the 70’s wrote a book called “The Selfish Gene” saying that: “We need a name for the new replicator, a noun that conveys the idea of a unit of cultural transmission, or a unit of imitation. ‘Mimeme’ comes from a suitable Greek root, but I want a monosyllable that sounds a bit like ‘gene’. I hope my classicist friends will forgive me if I abbreviate mimeme to meme. If it is any consolation, it could alternatively be thought of as being related to ‘memory’, or to the French word même. It should be pronounced to rhyme with ‘cream’. [Richard Dawkins, "The Selfish Gene," 1976]
So – the ME that I am preoccupied with during my day, is an imitation based on memories. It is also an “I” as the double ME-ME that comes from me collecting myself into a one-dimensional prison of my own mind where all that matters is me, me mirroring me, me thinking about me, me reacting to me. Good riddens – it is no wonder that I’ve not been here breathing. Because in the breath there is no ME to hold onto – it is letting in and letting go. And the body breathes for its totality, it breathes together with the hearth and the lungs and the blood and the cells. While when I think of me, there is no other purpose than me. That means that “I” as “me” exist in spite of everything else that is here in this world and existence, including the physical body. This is what I will forgive and correct here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the “me” that I am preoccupied with/within/as through thoughts, backchat and experiences exists in spite of everything and everyone else that is here, including the physical body because all there exists for this “me” what I’ve accepted as “who I am” is “me” – nothing else and no one else matters. And as such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is through my preoccupation with “me” as “who” I accept myself as, that I’ve directed and deliberately prevented myself from being here in and as breath in and as the physical body and this physical existence as who I am.
When and as I see that I am busy being preoccupied within and as the mind in thinking or back chatting about ‘me’ where the only focus is ‘me’ and where there is no practical reason whatsoever as to why I should focus on me in that particular moment – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to myself as the body.
Because I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to be preoccupied with “me” in and as my mind, I am in fact compromising all of existence, including myself as the physical body simply for the purpose of “me’ness” which in essence does not make any sense whatsoever.
So I commit myself to stop existing within/as/for “me” alone within and as my mind. And I commit myself to assist and support myself to change my perspective and starting-point from “me” as a one-dimensional entity to a “we” as all of us and as the totality of myself as the human physical body with all its parts co-existing and co-supporting the totality that is me, just like I as a human, exist here and can (potentially) live in co-support of all of earth and existence.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the “me” that I’ve been preoccupied with/within/as is a character that I’ve created and identified myself as, but that in itself does not contain anything or consist of anything as all it exist as is this “me’ness” which also means that I, as I identify “me” according to memories, the “me” can change and switch into other characters and other experiences that are completely contradicting without me even noticing it and noticing that I thus within that do not have or contain a “core” because all that I care about is me. Me as depressed, me as the winner, me as needing to lose weight, me as desired by a man, me as a daughter, me in comparison to others.
When and as I see that I am participating within and as and from the belief that it is myself I am looking at, when I am looking at “me” in my mind – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here.
Because I see, realize and understand that the fact that there’s both an “I” and a “me” as a point of “looking” and an objective as “being looked at” indicates that the “me” is not my “self” or my “core” because it is split and separated and can change from one moment to the next and that it is “I” as the point of decision, who decide to accept (albeit by now automatically) that this “me” in one given moment is “who I am” – even though the same “me” in another moment can be completely different or contradicting. And I see, realize and understand that I’ve been perceiving and defining myself as a “self”, as a stable core point – because of the signifier of “me” – not seeing, realizing or understanding that who I am as “me” is without any form of content and that the only constant is in fact my decision to accept whatever “me” I am projecting myself into and as, as “who I am”.
And I see, realize and understand that I have created and designed the character as that which I perceive/believe/accept to be “me” as “who I am” based on memories and on memes of “me’s” from those who have gone before me. I also see, realize and understand that the primary design and purpose of the “me” character is to only focus on “me” and as such as “I” identified myself as “me” in creating a relationship of reflection towards and within myself, my entire focus and purpose became “me”, like I created an infinite mirror effect
I commit myself to stop only caring about me, because I see, realize and understand that that is all “me” is – is caring about “me” only and that “who I am” as “me” contains nothing in/of itself and therefore I commit myself to let “me” go as I now see, realize and understand that “me” is not who I am but an imitation that I’ve projected myself into and as based on memories and memes and the relationship I’ve created towards myself in and as separation from myself here as the physical body.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the “me” character is not a single core “self” but in fact a relationship of me+me because it exists only in and as self-identification where I am looking AT “me” in the mind, so there’s the “I” as the decision and the “doer” – my point of directed attention and focus, through which I determine and define “who” I am. That which I am then looking at and identifying as myself, is the “me” which consist of memories and memes as culturally embedded me’s, like my mother’s me or the me of being Danish or a woman. And so I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there in fact is no “me” and that the “me” is in fact a split personality based on memories that I instigate through my direct participation and directed attention and identification of “who I am” as only “me” in my mind.
When and as I see that I am participating within and as a particular “me” based on memories that I’d within and as that moment, simply accept as “who I am” and “how it is” – I stop and I breathe and I bring myself back here.
Because I see, realize and understand that there is such thing as “me” and that the “me” that I identify and accept myself as, is in fact a reflection of memories and memes of the past. And I see, realize and understand that it is “I” as the point of making a decision about who I am, who is responsible for the “me” and who is accepting and allowing myself to immerse myself into “me” – instead of directing myself to realize myself as a physical being in and as totality with all that is here in the physical body and in existence
And so – I commit myself to take responsibility as the point of direction as to “who I am” in any given moment. And I commit myself to take responsibility for directing myself to stop identifying myself within and as the mind, in and as alternate realities and emotional possessions and instead start identifying myself here in and as the physical in and as a human physical body on a physical earth in a physical existence together with everything and everyone else that is here in totality.
More to come…
* LifeReview – My Life as a Peace Activist
Suggest reading Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, support is available on forum on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Thanks for walking-with!