October 28, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Before continuing with my blog posts on my relationships towards males, I’ve decided to stop for a moment and walk a point that I see requires immediate direction. I will thus continue with the other series at another point. At the same time I am in my Danish blog, currently walking a series of writings about procrastination in relation to my studies and daily activities. So within what I’ve been experiencing over the last month with anger and procrastination and my general participation, I have decided to walk a 21 day writing series on bringing myself back to breath. Because as I walk my daily participation, this is one point that I see as pivotal as to why and how I allow myself to participate in thoughts, back-chat (as internal conversations in my mind) and in emotional reactions and experiences. This is a basic point that we’re walking at Desteni, of realizing that we’ve been living in alternate realities in our mind that is in fact an illusion – and as much as I understand this, I also see how I’ve continuously allowed myself to believe and value what comes up in and through the mind and thus how I’ve endorsed myself as the mind. This is why I’ve now decided to walk this 21 day series of bringing myself back to breath. To be clear: I am not saying that I will or will not do this in 21 days. That is simply a point of support in placing a clear commitment to walk such a point for self. I will thus walk these writings in 21 posts, but it will not be 21 consecutive days as I am writing in my Danish blog every other day.
I am inspired by the following blog series, one by Gian Robberts also on bringing oneself back to breath and another by Misfits Journey to Life on bringing self back to self-equality. To learn about the process of walking a 21 day commitment, please listen to the following interview called 21 days to Self-Freedom.
“What/who are we, if we do not even have directive-principle, will or choice in ILLUSION as the alternate-reality/existence of ourselves within the Mind, where all of ourselves as the characters we create/manifest/construct in our Minds is automated by/through Consciousness as a multitude of alternate versions of ourselves in separation from our equality and oneness with and as our beingness, the physical-body and so this physical existence?
As long as we accept and allow this relationship of separation within and between the two realities as the Mind and the Physical that is currently existent within a parasitic relationship as energy consume/reverse substance/life into and as evil as the reverse we’ve been creating in energy/mind’s relationship to substance/physicality: nothing will/can change within this existence. As we must take responsibility for both realities as energy/mind and substance/physicality as it is ourselves we’ve split ourselves into and lost directive-principle of and as within and as that split/separation of the awareness of ourselves in equality and oneness.
And thus, is the process of walking writing, self forgiveness and self-corrective application as the Mind and the Physical-Body, as energy and as substance; taking responsibility for both realities as ourselves to align ourselves from the split of awareness into two realities, to merge here with the actual real reality as the Physical/this Physical Existence as substance as the actual origin/starting-point of ourselves within existence. To in this, stop the accepted and allowed consequential relationship between the Mind and the Physical, and really in fact LIVE HERE in establishing our living in taking responsibility for ourselves, our physicals, each other and this physical-existence as a whole.” - Sunette Spies
So hereby I will be writing the introductory post to this series with consecutive self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements so as to utilize these 21 days to bring myself back to breath. I’ve got no specific plan as to what each blog post will be about , so I will simply share what is here in the moment as I write that I see is the most relevant in terms of bringing myself back to breath.
From a certain perspective, I would say that my ‘biggest problem’ is that I believe and accept whatever comes up through/as/within the mind – whether it is thoughts as images or it is backchat as internal conversations or if it is emotional reactions, as ‘who I am’. And through this acceptance of myself as the mind – thus also as the mind only – my actions and living and participation will be as follows, based on ‘who’ and what I am within and as each of these dimensions of the mind. Through my direct participation and validation of what comes up in/through/as the mind, I thus endorse myself as the mind. Every time a thought comes up and I follow it, believing and accepting it to be ‘who I am’ in assigning it value, I ‘make it real’ which means that I (either immediately or eventually) live according to this thought. It is thus the thought/backchat/experience – as beliefs/ideas/fears/desires for example through which I am directing myself in my daily participation – instead Breath. Instead of me bringing myself back here to the physical, in and as my physical body, in, through and as breath. I get it, but I don’t get it. Because if I’d gotten it, I would apply it. Or rather and that is what is dubious: I get it, but I don’t care or I get it but I pretend like I don’t. And I see that participating in the mind, validating the mind as real, is something that requires constant participation, even though this participation has become automated. What does it mean to bring myself back to breath? Why am I doing it? Because I can see, that ‘who’ I allow myself to be and live as through my direct and deliberate participation in/as/through the mind, is a person that is not standing for/as what is best for all. It is a person that only cares about themselves, ‘themselves’ as limited desires for entertainment and experiences and ‘no care in the world’ – wanting to live and exist in an infinite morphine-sleep of fairytales and pastel-dreams. It is a person that is abusive and that knows it and does not care. And whether I live and act this person – as myself – as who I am – out full-fetched without denial or in a moral struggle with myself in/as the mind – that is the basic gist of it. And so I see that the only way for me to become a person of decency and dignity and trust and self-trust – is through bringing myself back to breath and to stop placing my value and trust in the mind. Because I see, that only through breathing effectively, which is to bring myself back to the physical and also slow myself down, can I effectively direct myself as the mind and make decisions as to who I am.
Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear publishing and sharing this point of bringing myself back to breath within and as participating in a belief, idea and expectation towards myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath and thus fear that others will judge me for not already having brought myself back to breath, within and as projecting my judgment towards myself based own belief, idea and expectation towards myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath, onto others, inside my mind
When and as I see that I am participating in fear of being judged by others based on the belief, idea and expectations that I’ve created within and as myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath – I stop. I Breathe and I bring myself back here to my commitment to myself of bringing myself back to breath.
Because I see, realize and understand that it is not others that are judging me that I fear or react towards – it is my own judgment towards and within the idea, belief and expectation that I’ve created towards myself that I should have brought myself back to breath already. I also see, realize and understand that since it is me in my mind fearing how others will respond; it has nothing to do with anyone else. At the same time, I also see, realize and understand that the fact that I fear how others will see me within me sharing this point, shows me that I’ve created an image of myself in my mind of being more – or supposed to be more than who and what I am here. I also see, realize and understand that I have not made this commitment to walk this point for 21 days for anyone else or for anyone to see or not see me a particular way. I am making this commitment for myself and I am walking this writing for myself to support myself.
So I commit myself to stop participating in fear towards others judging me based on the belief, idea and expectation that I’ve created towards myself and projected onto others as outside and separate from me, that I should have already brought myself back to breath.
I commit myself to walk this 21 days of writing for myself to support myself in bringing myself back to breath and I commit myself to be humble towards the point of bringing myself back to breath as I see, realize and understand that at the moment, this is a vital point of self-support for me to walk.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create and participate in a belief, idea and expectation that I should have already brought myself back to breath and as such that by me exposing that I have not already walked myself back to breath, through sharing this point of writing, I am ‘losing image’ as what I’ve projected onto others – meaning, in the eyes of others.
When and as I see that I am participating within and as a belief, idea and expectation towards myself that I should have already brought myself back to breath – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that within and as this belief, idea and expectation, I’ve created an idea, belief and expectation towards myself of being and supposed to be ‘more than’ who and what I am here within and as my practical application, where I’ve not seen, realized and understood that the point of bringing myself back to breath is a decision I’ve either made or not made and that I can only walk accordingly as I make the decision, breath by breath and so if and as I have not brought myself back to breath, it is because I have decided not to – and not because I am not living up to an idea, belief or expectation of myself. I also see, realize and understand that within and as seeing the point of bringing myself back to breath from a starting-point of a belief, idea and expectation towards ‘where’ and ‘who’ and ‘how’ I should be, I am in fact separating myself from the practical process of bringing myself back to breath and are making the point of bringing myself back to breath, something more than what it in fact is as a practical application.
So – I commit myself to stop participating in the idea, belief and expectation that I am supposed to already have brought myself back to breath and I commit myself to stick to the practical application of walking this point HERE with myself, through these writings and through practically changing myself – and not through, within or as my mind as an idea, belief and expectation.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that it is not the eyes of others in which I fear ‘losing image’ but in the eyes of myself as the image of myself as being ‘more than’ that I have created and participated within and as in my mind of expecting and believing myself to have ‘gotten further in my process’ based on an idea that I have created of what it means to walk process and who I am in walking process and also within a specific idea of the time it takes to walk process
When and as I see that I am participating within and as a fear of ‘losing image’ – I stop and I breathe. Because I see, realize and understand that I can only ‘lose’ an image if I have created an image as an idea and expectation towards myself in my mind as ‘more than’, which, as it only exists in and through my mind, is not real. I also see, realize and understand that I am not an image, as an image is a snapshot/still shot that might look or appear perfect (like models in an advertisement) but that has nothing to do with real life practical moving reality and thus I cannot and will not ever be able to ‘live up to’ the idea of an image of myself in my mind as it is just that: an image. And I also see, realize and understand that there is absolutely no point in having or maintaining ‘an image’ in the eyes of others or of myself of me being ‘more than’ who or what I am here or of me as ‘having changed’ in for example having brought myself back to breath – because the ‘proof is in the pudding’ as who and what I am here in fact in my practical living participation and that is the only place where change is relevant and possible. I have either changed or I have not. And if I have, I know and if I have not, I also know.
So – I commit myself to stop participating in fear of losing my image of myself as being ‘more than’ in the eyes of others (as a projection in my mind) or in the eyes of myself. And I commit myself to stop participating in a desire and a belief that I must ‘maintain my image’. I commit myself to stop presenting myself as an image of and as being ‘more than’ who and what I am here. I commit myself to walk this process of bringing myself back to breath in humbleness and to bring myself back to the humbleness that is required for me to in fact assist and support myself to bring myself back to breath.
In my next post – I will continue with DAY 2.
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