October 18, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am beginning here a new series regarding a point that has emerged as I’ve been reacting to my partner in anger. I’ve previously written about this, though have continued to react in the anger reaction. After writing it out, I realized that it came from an experience of feeling/believing myself to be inferior to males in general and how I would perceive their words as ‘final’ within seeing and perceiving them as ‘certain’, ‘steadfast’, ‘confident’ and ‘stable’. So I saw that I’d been using anger (but also appealing to empathy and guilt) as a point of emotional manipulation in relationships. In fact, since I wrote it out I’ve not had that anger reaction at all and have been more capable of discussing points with my partner without having experiences when he disagrees with me. However, I was assisted by Sunette from Desteni to open the point up further and what I realized was that because I’ve not had much contact with males as a child, I’ve not worked out in my mind how to deal with males and their presence. I’ve thus come to define all males the same way in fearing their expression and their (often) directness as what I would perceive as ‘certain’, ‘steadfast’, ‘confident’ and ‘stable’. Because I’d not developed a way to understand males in their expression I would go into survival mode, which is for example where this point of anger stems from, where I’d literally go into a self-defense-mechanism. So what I’ll be doing in this series is to look at my reactions towards males in general and especially how I saw them as a child within the definition of the words ‘certain’, ‘steadfast’, ‘confident’ and ‘stable’ and from there bring these expressions that I’ve not developed in myself, back to myself so that I can develop them . Now one thing to note however is that when I mention these expressions that I’ve seen in males and not developed in myself it has more to do with my own perception of something that I’ve not developed in myself rather than the males I meet necessarily are embodying those qualities or living them in a way that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how I have deliberately used emotions to manipulate with in relationships to get what I want, where the more intimate the relationship was, I would allow more and more direct and intense emotional manipulation, whereas in more casual relationships, I would not nearly use the same emotional manipulation and would in fact be more subtle about it where I in more intimate relationships believed that I had a right to use emotions to manipulate within and as defining my partner as my property and as someone who is supposed to give me what I want
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way to get what I want, is by emotionally manipulating another through my words, body expressions and through deliberately generating emotional experiences within and as me of blame, judgment, self-pity, self-victimization, sadness, depression and anger so as to get the other to become emotional and thus give me what I want
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I am the one who within and as myself have decided that the only way to get what I want in relationships is through deliberate emotional manipulation so as to get the other to feel bad and then agree with me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a female population that finds it in herself that she can only get what she wants by using emotional manipulation through getting the man on her side through sparking emotions within and as him, through which he would emphasize with the women and/or feel bad about his role in an argument
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a female believing that it is impossible to speak reasonable with males and participate in an equal common sense communication and thus accept themselves as inherently inferior to males, being reduced to use emotional manipulation to get the males on their side and thus win over the males and become superior to him
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that ‘who’ I become in arguments within and as allowing myself to become emotionally possessed by anger/blame/spite/judgment/self-victimization is standing within and as a self-accepted and self-created position of inferiority as a female, representing the entire memory of the history of females, placing myself as superior and within and as having a right to manipulate to get what I want, within and as believing that the male will never agree with me and I can never win the argument through common sense and equal discussion
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship between males and females in this world where the female believes and accepts that she is submissive to the male, because ‘that is how it has always been’ and that whatever she says or does, the male will have the last word in making decisions in their relationship and in the world, yet secretly she envies the male for his position and wants to be like him and secretly knows that the dominance of males is not real and thus do whatever she can from within and as her position as submissive to win dominance which means that she will use deceptive emotional manipulation to speak to the male’s ‘weakness’ as his compassion and empathy as the only button she believes she can push to get what she wants
I forgive myself that I in and as defining myself as a female as submissive, have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge and resent males for being in a position of dominance and within and as that justify within and as myself to use emotional manipulation when a male does not agree with me or give me what I want
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as soon as a man does not agree with me in an argument and when I perceive and believe him to be stubbornly refusing to agree with me, to immediately resort to an emotional possession that I activate through deliberately taking what the male is saying personally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a male only one chance to agree with me and if he does not, I immediately give up, believing and accepting myself to be inferior within and as perceiving him as more assertive and certain in himself than me and thus resort to emotional manipulation, believing that this is the only way to get him to see things my way
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the moment where I present information to a male of something that I see is best or required to be done and expect him to disagree with me and expect him to have the last word as a final say that I can in no way change, even if what I am seeing/suggesting is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trigger a reaction within and as me, when hearing a male speaking in what I perceive as a steadfast absolute voice as a response to what I am saying where he for example says “no.” and within and as hearing that, I immediately activate all the memories of experiencing myself as female being treated unfairly by males, of feeling powerless and unable to move myself and thus from there activate the anger possession as a deliberate strategy to compete with and win over the male, using emotional manipulation as something I know I can move the male with and thus get what I want. It could also be self-pity or sadness – whatever works.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that for me to use emotional manipulation to influence a male to agree with me, take my side or so that I can get what I want, I in fact have to allow myself to become possessed by the emotion and thus that I in that moment give myself over to the emotional reaction as well as give completely up on myself as an equal in having any ability of speaking common sense with a male
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the moment I perceive a males words as ‘final’ based on memories of the relationship between males and females and the construct between them as dominant and submissive, to immediately give up on myself and accept, define, experience and perceive myself as powerless towards the male and because of that justify within and as myself going into an emotional possession as the ‘last resort’ to get what I want
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to after having reacted within and as giving myself over to an emotional possession, feel ashamed and judge myself for having allowed myself to react
I will continue in my next post with sharing self-commitment statements on the points that has come up here.
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