October 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I am writing out self-corrective statements, realizations and commitment statements on the points that has come up in the previous blogs I’ve written on how stories and movies affect children and define ‘who’ we become as adults.
Here I am specifically looking at the point of how the movie Bambi became a specific script for how I came to understand relationships. How is the Love a Child Feels for its Mother Created by Fear? How does Fear Change how we approach Relationships with others and make us Dependent upon them?
This is a continuation to: My Fairytale Prince and The Ever After that Never Comes: DAY 117
I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to have accepted that whatever information was presented to me, specifically information such as children’s books or movies with colorful images and/or information that adults emphasized as ‘fun’ or ‘valuable’ and ‘entertaining’ and information that was repeated to me over and over and also the combination of images, sounds, words and stories – was showing me the world and how the world works and how I should relate to the world as what is real
I see, realize and understand that I based on accepting whatever information was presented to me as real and as showing me how the world is and how the world works, accepted and allowed myself to become brainwashed directly as I integrated that which I heard and saw as stories as scripts of how the world is and works and how relationships work and that emotions are real and valuable and finally also ‘who I am’
I see, realize and understand that I, based on how movies and stories are designed with a main character that is in focus and that is the focus of narration have accepted and allowed myself to identify with whomever main character I am presented to in movies and stories and within and as that have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the story and script of the main character into and as myself in defining myself according to this main character as ‘who I am’ – yet compartmentalized as one character among many that I integrate into myself as a database of characters that I can draw upon when/if/as I am faced with situations that reflect any part of the movie or story I watched or words as a word or a reaction I experienced when watching the movie or listening to the story – an example is how I integrated the part of the Bambi story where there is a fire into myself in how I reacted with fear towards the fire and associated this to fearing losing my mom – while in fact the fire happens after Bambi’s mother is already dead and so I took some of the information and when my father died, I opened up this memory and started fearing fire and that my mother would die and so I took parts of the information and related myself and defined myself according to it
I commit myself to disengage, stop participating in, step out of and delete all the characters, scripts, stories and emotional experiences that I have integrated into and as myself as a database of characters that I could draw upon, step into and assume for myself and activate in moments where I can relate what is going on in this moment in any way to the stories, words, scripts, images and experiences of movies and stories I’ve heard and seen as a child – which I did based on accepting these as depicting the world as it really is, relationships between people as they really are and accordingly ‘who I am’ so as to function in and understand the world effectively – thus in self-interest within and as and through my mind
I see, realize and understand that when I watched Bambi as a child, I activated within and as me a relationship towards my mother of dependency where I placed her inside myself in a role where I believed that she was protecting me from the dangers of the world, exactly like the role Bambi’s mother had and within this I accepted and allowed myself to fear of losing my mother and fear of being all alone in the world because I identified myself with Bambi because Bambi was the main character of the movie
I see, realize and understand that I before watching Bambi had no concept of the relationship with my mother being one of dependency and in which I was vulnerable and in danger if I would not have my mother yet through seeing Bambi’s relationship with his mother when she was alive and his relationship with himself after she died, I understood that without my mother I would be sad and alone and scared and through this I developed a relationship of dependency with my mother which clearly shows hos movies such as Bambi is directly brainwashing children to step into specific characters and relationships with others
I see, realize and understand that I, through watching Bambi instigated and activated within and as myself the relationship between fear of not surviving and love as relationships, sex, friendships and family because that was what I saw in the movie as the solution to Bambi’s experience of himself as being vulnerable to danger and sad and alone – was to create relationships and ultimately to focus on procreation and thus within and as this equate survival through procreation with happiness, peace, comfort and an experience of feeling whole and belonging that stood as a polarity to how Bambi experienced himself when his mother died where he felt scared, empty, sad and alone and so through this I learned that relationships are the most important thing in the world, because without them we will feel ourselves negatively and with them we will experience ourselves positively and so I understood that the most important thing in life is to maintain and develop relationships of love, sex, friendship and family where even if one relationship ends like Bambi’s did with his mother, one must immediately seek out a new relationship for security, survival and ‘completion’ and happiness, exactly as Bambi did with his friends and his partner
I see, realize and understand the deception of the Bambi story and how it twists what is here in such a way that the child watching the movie, will come to make itself dependent upon relationships, first with its mother and secondly with friends and ultimately with a partner – specifically because of the undercurrent of fear, fear of not surviving and fear of being vulnerable to danger through being alone as depicted within and as Bambi’s experience of himself when his mother died and therefore I enslaved myself to relationships, being willing to become and do whatever it takes to develop lasting relationships also within and as this believing that it is as simple as entering into a relationship and then simply holding onto it – while nothing in fact being taught about how to develop effective relationships, where the main focus is not to lose them as instigated by Bambi’s first relationship with his mother and the subsequent experience of loss when she died. See if Bambi had had a different relationship with his mother, if she instead of teaching him to fear the world, had assisted and supported him to trust himself, to get to know himself and to stand up within and as himself realizing that he is here in the world with all that is here and to apply common sense in how to effectively function in the world, the story would have been completely different and Bambi’s experience of himself would have been completely different. But because the entire focus was on his relationship with others, of course he felt alone and vulnerable and cut in half when his mother died and immediately set out to develop new relationships, because he had never learned to have a relationship with himself.
I see, realize and understand that within taking from the Bambi movie the understanding that what is most important in this world, is relationships with others and that if these fall, I will experience myself in fear, panic, sadness, emptiness, aloneness – I specifically abdicated my relationship with myself, I in fact devalued and disregarded it in believing that what one is when a relationship falls or dies, is nothing because everything one was, was in that relationship and as such I utilized Bambi and how I interpreted and reacted to watching Bambi, to annihilate myself from myself and separate myself from myself – in fear of how I would experience myself alone and without a relationship and therefore I made it my life’s mission to establish lasting relationships – at all costs
I commit myself to let go of fear of being alone that I have defined as not being in a relationship or through a relationship ending because I now see, realize and understand that my fear was unfounded and was in fact founded upon my interpretation of watching Bambi and how Bambi experienced himself when his mother died – which was not an objective depiction but a consequence of a particular way of living and of defining and accepting self and self in relation to others and so I commit myself to stop accepting myself as dependent upon others, only so as to not experience myself as vulnerable to danger and like I am cut in half, because I now see, realize and understand that I have not even developed a relationship with myself or realized that when relationships fall, I am still here and I am still whole and that who I am is not dependent upon a relationship with another as outside and separate from me and so I commit myself to stop separating myself from myself through accepting myself as dependent upon relationships with others in separation, through which I in fact prevent myself from investigating and developing a sound relationship with/as myself
I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within and as the belief that I am dependent upon another to exist and to experience myself as whole – to stop and realize that I am still here and that I am in fact through focusing on my relationship with another are disregarding and discarding and separating myself from my relationship with myself and the development of this relationship into and as self-intimacy – which I now see, realize and understand is the only point from which I can in fact establish effective relationships with others because I now, see, realize and understand that the relationships I have valued SO much, in fact as the only and most important point in existence was based on deception as the starting-point of these relationships has been fostered through fear which is what gives them the experience of “warmth” and “comfort” and “feeling whole” and “feeling complete” and “belonging” – exactly as family, friendships and romantic relationships is depicted in and as this world, but really those experiences are merely the polarity of the fear and petrification towards not surviving and where the self that is without a relationship is virtually non-existent because the self is dependent upon the relationship to exist – and I also now see, realize and understand that behind the fear of not surviving that is the foundation of relationships, is the desire to survive and multiply myself in separation of and from myself here where my focus has constantly been on ‘making more of’ my relationship towards point that are external all the while I completely disregarded myself here and as such also never actually created effective relationships with others
So – I commit myself to let go of and to disengage within and as myself how I have defined and accepted relationships and the role relationships play in my life and inside myself and I commit myself to do that through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application so that I can get all relationship constructs out on the table here in front of me and see them for what they in fact are so that I may let those go that are not best for all or able to be transformed into what is best for all because I see, realize and understand now that the way I have been approaching and endorsing and living relationships until now has been based on self-deception and abdication of myself but also where I’ve been living in a fairytale relationship towards and with fear where I did not realize that the experience I had when I was in a relationship of comfort and safety was merely the contrast to the constant fear I had accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as. So to give an analogy to show how this equation functions, it is similar to the experience a person being tortured might have when the torture stops and the torturer gives them some water, where the person being tortured might experience a form of gratitude and relief, but this is only because of the torture in the first place.
I see, realize and understand that I have formed a direct connection between watching the images of the fire in the Bambi movie with Bambi’s mother dying even though the fire happened after Bambi’s mother died and I see, realize and understand that this shows that I within and as the mind have taken the information as the images, words, sounds, stories, scripts and experiences from the Bambi movie inside myself as a database of reference towards the world, relationships with others and myself where I could change the information so as to create experiences and stories within and as myself in and as the mind where I for example triggered this information within me when my father died where the only reference I had to dying in my mind was Bambi’s mother dying and through this I instigated in and as myself a fear that my mother would die and that there would be a fire through drawing upon the bits of information from the memory of watching Bambi through which I created massive internal conflict inside myself and became possessed and thus generated energy for the mind to feed off of and sustain itself through. (to understand how this functions please read heaven’s journey to life blog)
I commit myself to let go of the memories images, sounds, words, stories, scripts and experiences that I integrated into and as myself when I watched movies and heard stories as a child, because I see, realize and understand that I have used stories and movies I watched as a child, to mold and shape myself as characters in scripts with specific words, sounds and emotional reactions and experiences through and within which I have never actually lived because I have been living as though my life was merely a story, where I was following all kinds of symbols that I defined myself according to and that I defined the world and relationships between people according to
And so, I commit myself to when and as I see that I am participating within and as a story or a script in my mind, through thoughts coming up as images or words and through backchat as internal conversations as following a dialogue in a script or as imagination which would be the forming of a script of as emotional reactions and experiences towards something I see or hear or feel inside myself to stop and investigate the origin point within and as myself and see where this story or script has been formed, for example through watching a specific movie – because I now see, realize and understand that everything I experience that is not simply me here in and as the physical, is based on stories I’ve read, heard and seen and felt as a child and that I have repeated over and over and defined and I see, realize and understand that I have been interpreting myself, my relationship with others and the world as a story and a script through which I defined my experiences accordingly and that these experiences and interpretations have been directly formed by the stories and movies that I have heard, read, seen and reacted towards as a child like an actual filter that I have interpreted myself, my relationship with others and the world according to. An example is how one would throughout once life have a particular experience of ‘melancholy’ whenever it is rainy outside and within and as that form a belief that ‘rain makes me feel sad’ while in fact this is like a scene to a movie or story that one has created in one’s mind through which one can play up against as a specific character like the ‘melancholy’ character that one created based on hearing a story as a child with the words “it was raining outside and the princess was feeling sad and lonely” and so all such stories serves a purpose as parts of the characters that we assume as ‘who we are’ through which we are collectively holding up a charade on earth as a veil of delusion through which we’re preventing ourselves – deliberately – from seeing and facing what is here in fact as ourselves. And it all starts with the children, over and over again, generation after generation. This is also why it is us as adults who have to stop playing so that we can stand as examples for the children to come.
(To be continued)
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