September 14, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Who is the Staff Sargent that like the Policeman in the Head will Control our every Move? How is the Staff Sargent of the Mind in fact a Character of Fear?
In this blog I am applying self-forgiveness on the ‘Staff Sargent’ character in relation to the point of controlling others. I am continuing from the previous blog on how I realized that I’ve been believing that I had to control and constraint myself as ‘mind/self-interest/ego’ within and as seeing/defining ‘mind/self-interest/ego’ as a monster within me – similar to how Christians will believe there to be a devil that is tempting them to sin. That’s actually exactly how I’ve defined this secret side of me. In my next blog I continue with writing self-forgiveness on how I’ve lived the staff sergant in my own relationship to myself and accordingly have projected it outside and separate from me.
Read the following blogs for ontext on this point:
Also suggest investing in the following interview: Reptilians – Relationships as Illusion of Control – Part 24
As I’ve continued to look at the point today, I’ve been seeing a character of and as myself that is not in alignment with how I’ve usually defined myself. See – I’ve defined myself as this lose, open-minded, sensitive and weak person and now I am actually faced with a oppositional character of a ‘general’ sort of type, who will control and contain everyone around me, including in my own relationship to myself – or that’s the origin point and where I’ll be brutal, spiteful and harsh towards people (and myself) when making mistakes or not living up to my ‘standards’ as ideas about ‘principles’ or ‘values’ that I have decided are ‘best’ and the most noble. Within having a ‘pop the bubble’ moment I am starting to see how I AM this character of brutality and mercilessness – which is so entirely NOT what I’ve seen and defined myself as. And what I am further more seeing through this, is the consequences that this has on other people and my relationship with me. When looking back I can remember/recall this point in me all the way back through school, in how I would direct games and only want to participate if they were to my liking or ‘standards’. If they were not, I would intervene and spite others. However this character stands as but one character I lived at once, as it does now as well, because I equally experienced myself inferior and shitscared of the other children and the entire play-situation. I had an extreme need to control everything and everyone and to always be in on the loop of what is going on. The ability to control information and information-flow has thus also played a part in how I have acted out this character. I basically become a dictator in my relationship with others believing that if I can control the situation – and them and myself – I can contain it (suppress it) and it won’t explode into chaos and uncertainty. I basically imprison everyone around me so that I can have some sense of control over myself. It is misaligned self-direction, self-trust and authority – acting on behalf of fear.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that within and as my want/need/desire to control and contain the situation, I am in fact coming from a starting-point of fear and inferiority towards that which I believe that I must control/contain within and as seeing it as a threat /danger – and whether it is in fact unacceptable or not, is irrelevant because I am using the belief that it is unacceptable as a justification for my belief that I am right to control/contain the situation
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to experience myself powerless towards directing the situation in common sense, when and as I am faced with a point that I see is unacceptable according to my beliefs/ideas of what is unacceptable according to my beliefs/ideas/assumptions about what ‘the principle of what is best for all’ is
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that if I have no direct equality with the point I am facing, in understanding exactly what it is and what the consequences of it are – then I have no authority to direct the situation to what is best for all and thus by attempting to directing the situation anyway, I am in fact acting on a starting-point of inferiority and self-separation where I see/define/experience/believe ‘the principle’ to be more than me as something external – not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I don’t stand AS what is best for all, I cannot possible direct a situation to what is best for all, because I am not standing equal to what is best for all as myself and will thus separate myself from ‘the principle’ and deceive myself into believing that I am already standing as it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the principle of what is best for all is not something that can exist outside or separate from me as an external point that I can then place into myself to transform myself – but that I actually have to transform myself into a being that lives myself in a way that is best for all – and that I will never understand/see what is best for all in fact, until I live what is best for all as myself – and therefore that if I speak to others about what is best for all as though I am already living it or believe within myself that I am representing ‘principle’ without standing equal and one to/as the principle as myself in my actual physical and practical living – then I am in fact deceiving myself and further perpetuating my own self-separation by not being self-honest about who I am as who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that speaking about principle is the same as living it and that when I speak principle I live it – instead of seeing realizing and understanding that living principle means actually and in fact living it and as such speak it equal and one with my actions
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to make my words untrustworthy – and make myself untrustworthy by speaking words that I don’t stand by or live in equality within and as myself and thus present myself to myself and to others as living a principle that I am not living in fact and thus within that prevent myself and sabotage myself from in fact seeing and realizing who and what I am in fact and accordingly change and correct myself so that I do and can in fact stand by the words I speak within and as the principle of what is best for in equality with and as myself here and as such with another equal and one
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage and obscure my own ability and self-direction in self-honesty within and as seeing when something is required to be directed to correct/change/transform it to what is best for all and when something is me reacting to a point within and as myself that I’ve projected onto another because I have deceived myself into believing that I am standing within/as/for the principle of what is best for all when I am in fact not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instigate and initiate fights with another where I will raise my voice to a higher (blaming) pitch where I will go into discussion-mode and experience/present myself as brutal and ‘cut-throat’ within and as a character/self-definition of myself as being ‘morally superior’ towards another and as such grant myself the right to express myself in anger/blame/judgment in justifying my experience as valid – while in fact my entire starting-point is fear that I’ve projected onto another within and as fearing anothers words/actions as dangerous and as a threat – while in fact it is what of and as myself that I am mirroring/reflecting back to myself that I fear and thus believe I must control/contain = suppress in another to not have to face/confront in myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and justify myself as ‘battling a beast/monster’ of ego/self-deception/self-interest when I see another saying/doing something that I define/perceive as ‘not acceptable’ as ‘not according to principle’ as that which I believe myself to be externally directing myself with/as – where I will experience that I must ‘fight off the beast’ through ‘hitting down on it’ (in spite/judgment/blame) and as such control/contain it
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see/define/perceive/judge myself as being an ‘honorable’, ‘noble’ ‘good person’ within and as defining myself as ‘someone that stands by the principle of what is best for all’ specifically in comparing myself to another as how I perceive/see/define another in moments/situations where I perceive their words/actions as being ‘not acceptable’ as ‘not according to principle’ and as such place myself in my mind and in my starting-point of speaking/discussing as ‘morally superior’ and as such believe that I, as this morally superior person/being must fight this inferior person/being to enforce ‘the principle of what is best for all’ as I have defined it in polarity and morality to another – to eradicate and kill ‘the beast’ of the mind/ego.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that me becoming angry is something that ‘happens to me’ and thus by saying that ‘it happens’ have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate self-responsibility for myself as the directive principle of myself and how I accept and allow myself to deliberately go into and become possessed with emotional experiences and how whatever I experience/express is exactly what I accept myself as and stand equal to
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to after I’ve had a fight with another – where I have accepted and allowed myself to become possessed with anger/blame/judgment/spite have accepted and allowed myself to go into and experience myself as shitty, evil and feel guilty and thus further perpetuate emotional experiences as I react to my own acceptances and allowances because I know what I’ve done and that I did it deliberately in blame/spite/judgment and thus used and abused another in self-interest
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and justify it as righteous and necessary that I become angry at another when/as I perceive them as saying or doing something that according to me is ‘against principle’ and thus ‘not acceptable’.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, when in discussions with others step into an automated fear of being manipulated and of my words being twisted and on me eventually accepting that I am wrong and they are right as I’ve experienced myself do in the past
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to enter into discussions with others from a starting-point of expecting that they will twist my words and manipulate me and that I won’t be able to ‘stand my ground’ and within and as holding onto this memory as a ‘truth’ about ‘how people are’ and ‘how discussions are’ and as such already when stepping into the discussion, I’ll present/experience myself as inferior and victimized and from that starting-point I will justify me experience and expression of myself in/through anger/blame/spite/judgment as righteous and necessary in believing that I am up against a ‘force’ as a ‘monster’ that is ‘stronger than me’ and that I thus have to ‘match’ in strength ‘to win’ the discussion
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to see/define/perceive/experience and accept discussions as ‘combats’, ‘fights’ and ‘competitions’ where the only outcome is that I will either win or lose and that the other will either win or lose – instead of having seen and participate in discussions from a starting-point of communicating in equality to clarify points of participation and principle in two or more being aligning themselves in a common understanding of a particular point
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within entering into discussions, do so from a starting-point of believing that “I must win” at all costs and that it is of importance of “life and death” that I win as I experience and perceive that when I lose, I literally feel like losing a part of myself – that I become less and depleted and as such I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be willing to do whatever it takes to win discussions, including manipulate, spite and twist another’s words against them just so that I can win.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to approach and participate in discussions from a starting-point of polarity within and as myself of respectively – depending on whether I expect/see that I will lose or win, as either doubting myself, feeling inferior and attacked by another, or that I am completely righteous and have an obligation/right to ‘educate’ the other and where I’ll experience myself as eloquent and empowered when I experience/expect that I will win the discussion
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify ‘who I am’ as the character of constantly controlling my another within speaking to myself in my mind and experience through fear that: “I must control/contain the situation because I can’t trust them to take care of it…” and within and as that I forgive myself that I’ve not accepted or allowed myself to give another a chance to apply themselves because I’ve already decided that he is not capable of doing that and of course as the polarity, that I am and are in fact merely waiting for and expecting it to happen, so that I can confirm my own character of being the one that takes the best care of our living environment and thus of ‘life’ as ‘what is best for all’ as I’ve perceived/experienced/defined it in my mind
(To be continued)
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