September 13, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am here sharing a point of feeling myself totally powerless towards having discussions with others. And so when I do ‘share’ my perspective – it will not be in breath, here breathing, supporting another unconditionally as myself or in common sense, but will be a ‘hissy fit’ in fact of blame, resentment, judgment, spite and desperation. I literally make it a fight. The worst part is that from what I can see at the moment, there is no distinction between points that in fact ARE unacceptable and that requires correction and support and points where I am interpreting what my partner is saying from within a reaction in myself. This means that I have no effective way of directing, trusting or assessing myself in the moment of communication. Often it leads to fights where I am primarily the one that is fighting, where I’ll raise my voice to a higher pitch and go into ‘discussion mode’ which I experience within myself as ‘battling the beast’ – almost like I am here as a ‘god fearing’ Christian person who is battling ‘the devil within’.
I’ve applied self-forgiveness and written on this point quite extensively on my Danish blog, however it still happens, and afterwards I feel ashamed, feel shitty, evil and guilty. In the moment of experiencing anger, I definitely experience it as righteous and even necessary for me to become angry as I perceive myself as being ‘up against’ a sort of ‘mind/ego-monster’ that is extremely powerful and resourceful and that can twist my words and manipulate me to doubt myself and take the blame on myself. This specific experience comes from memories of past relationships where I did this – but obviously all of it, is reflecting my relationship with myself. Afterwards I experience myself depleted and strained in/on my physical body.
When I bring this back to myself I can see that these points most often emerge when I have compromised myself in my own living participation, when I have shown myself that I cannot be trusted to care for what is best for all, when I have sabotaged a point of responsibility that I have taken and I am fighting inside/with myself believing that I must control and contain my own ‘beast’ or ‘monster’ of self-interest, ego and inconsideration.
So if I bring all of this back to myself, this is what the point is: I am not effectively directing myself to live in a way that is best for all. I fight with myself as ‘who I am’ in/as self-interest/ego in actually perceiving/experiencing/believing/accepting ‘who I am’ as self-interest/ego to be ‘more than’ and ‘stronger than’ me. This is based on memories of myself ‘giving in and giving up’ where I know that I have a tendency to do so and accept that ‘this is who I am and will be’ and instead of directing myself in practicality, self-support and common sense, I’ll judge myself and fight myself and believe that I must ‘control/contain the monster’ to become someone who can be trusted with caring for what is best for all. And as I accept myself – yet suppress and separate myself from/within/as – so will I see, perceive and experience my partner in/as a direct reflection of my relationship with myself. I am in fact ‘the monster’ that does not care and I am also the one who does not trust myself to care because of holding onto memories/definitions of myself as being untrustworthy and therefore have employed a point of self-control/containment to ‘deal with the issue’ which does in fact NOT deal with the issue, because my starting-point within that has been accepting that ‘this is who I am and will ever be’ and as such accepting myself as ‘the monster’ as superior and myself as the directive principle to decide who I am/will be as inferior as well as suppressing myself as ‘the monster’ in judging/moralizing it as inferior and presenting a superior character of ‘care’.
WHO is ‘The Monster’ of Self-Interest, Ego and Justification?
If I am cleaning and my starting-point is to “just get it over with” I will often neglect a specific point that I see requires cleaning. In that moment I know exactly what I am doing, I know that I am compromising myself and my living environment and I’ll come up with justifications like “well, it’s not that bad” or “I’ll leave it for later” or “I got so much to do so if I do this as well, I won’t have time for the important stuff.”
I do it through procrastinating deliberately – and it is within this deliberateness that I undermine and devalue my own self-integrity – I see what is required yet I CHOOSE not to do it, because I DON’T WANT TO. An example can be resisting any point of application and then complying with that resistance. That is undermining my own authority as directive principle and thus my development of self-integrity. I thus can’t trust myself to act in the best interest of all, because what is currently sitting in the driver seat deciding where I’m going is who I am as the mind, as self-interest and ego. But then at the same time, on top of this, I’ve placed another image of me as a responsible driver sitting there steering myself towards a world that is best for all. Clearly a point of self-deception.
I discussed all of this with my partner and he also pointed out that the main point in all of this is self-distrust where I allow thoughts/backchat/emotions and feelings to be the directive principle of how I care for – and control the cats and him and that I don’t trust myself to be here in the moment in directing myself HERE. The point that then immediately came up within me is: “well of course I can’t trust myself . Just look at me .” And then I’ll start listing in my mind all the reasons and ways that I can’t trust myself. What I’ve seen within this is that if I hold onto the belief that I can’t trust myself and within that experience it as righteous because I am saying to myself that “At least I know that I can’t trust myself and then take measures of control to ensure I don’t do harm”. When I think about the fact that I can’t trust myself, I experience a sense of ‘pride’ almost, like I am being ‘really self-honest’. “I am SO self-honest that I can admit that I can’t be trusted. That’s at least something.” But then when am I ever going to trust myself? When am I ever going to allow myself to build self-trust if all I do is remind myself how I can’t be trusted? And is that not exactly perpetuating the self-distrust in that I through that give myself permission to ‘not be trustworthy’? Yes. The cats thus represent my relationship towards ‘life’ as the process of changing myself to become a person that cares for what is best for all and that acts accordingly in every moment. The cats are what I see/define as Life/Innocence. My partner represents my relationship with myself in/as the mind and then the pivot as the question of how to live effectively as what is best for all, represents my process of walking myself out of the mind and into the physical in equality and oneness.
What I see as the solution is that I must identify how I am untrustworthy to myself and then change these points of participation from self-distrust and compromise to self-trust and self-integrity, within and as changing the directive principle within which I apply myself in the particular point – and in all points. Furthermore I see that I require releasing and letting go of the belief/acceptance that I can’t be trusted/am not trustworthy. Because I can see how I’ve been using that as a backdoor to justify why I can’t apparently trust myself and then if/when I allow myself to deliberately compromise a point of participation, I can say: “see, I said I could not be trusted.” I believe that I must control my way out of the mind, that I must ‘smoke it out’ with force and contain it, like wrestling a giant alligator and using constraints to control it because I know that it’s stronger than me and would eat me in a second. The thing is though that there is no alligator and the alligator is not fighting me. It’s merely doing what I’ve programmed it to do in my abdication of myself. So it’s like instructing the mind to drive me for me, so that I can sit with my feet up and ‘enjoy the ride’ and then instructing it to “whatever I do or say, don’t let me take over the steering wheel” and then suddenly start yelling and screaming that “I must now take over the steering wheel” and “why are you driving? Why are you not letting me drive, it’s my car”. Lol.
So this entire point is actually utterly simplistic – because the point is for me to start taking responsibility for myself and that means within the immediacy of the moments of my day because that is where ‘the real shit goes down’. This is the point – to change/direct/correct myself within and as the menial moments of my daily participation and to change all these points, point by point, writing by writing, breath by breath, until I’ve stood equal to and have directed myself in self-responsibility and are simply here directing myself immediately in the moment. I can’t trust myself because I have not directed myself in every moment to become someone who can be trusted. It’s as simple as that. Wallowing in me not being able to trust myself is not going to change a damn thing – on the contrary. It’ll only open backdoors for me to slip through saying “sorry, I couldn’t help it” with a cheeky smile on my face and blushing cheeks. It’s not a matter of turning this point into an emotional farce/drama of saying “ohhh nooooo, I can’t trust myself, I’m so bad and evil” OR to say: “I can so totally trust myself, I’m awesome, it’s everyone else who’s fucked.” There is absolutely no practical reason for me not being able to change and direct myself in self-trust, trusting myself to develop self-trust. And there is absolutely no practical reason that I can’t live with my partner and the cats in a way that is effective, through me standing as an example within my relationship with myself. So that is my directive from here on out.
In my next post I will commence with self-forgiveness and self-corrective commitment statements.
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