August 28, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
“Consumption is the sole end and purpose of all production; and the interest of the producer ought to be attended to, only so far as it may be necessary for promoting that of the consumer.” – Adam Smith
This is a continuation to:
The Consumption Character: DAY 97
Stepping out of the Temptation Character: DAY 96
And Lead us not into Temptation, but Deliver us from Evil: Day 95
The Temptation Character: Day 94
Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53
Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48
Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46
More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45
MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44
Before continuing with the Self-Forgiveness on the Consumption Character, I am going to write out some more focal points. How did we come to define nourishment and physical support as ‘consumption’? Why and how do we accept consumption as ‘natural’? Who is the Consumer really?
One point I saw yesterday after I’d written the blog, is that the word Consumption is much alike the word Consummation. That is a transaction in Economic terms and the act of ‘completing’ a marriage by having sex. So when we consume, we do it with the purpose of ‘completing’ ourselves, as I wrote about yesterday in relation to filling oneself up – again what happens with sex as well.
Another point in relation to consumption, is how we call ourselves and each other ‘consumers’ as the most natural thing in the world, while in fact the word consume means to ‘waste’ or ‘use up’ so for example when we buy food, we’re not simply nurturing ourselves or when we buy clothes we’re not simply supporting ourselves with a practical living application. This can obviously be seen in the consequences of our consumer culture – of how we’re literally using up the world, other countries, the animals, nature and even our own human bodies.
So, we’ve redefined physically nurturing ourselves and our human physical bodies, for example with food, as ‘consumption’ and have sneaked it into our vocabulary as a ‘given’ without even considering what we are saying when we call ourselves and each other ‘consumers’.
My life has been about consumption virtually from the moment I was born and through assuming the Consumption Character I’ve driven me into self-abuse and addiction, only caring about the next point of consumption as getting energetic experiences through consuming the physical to ‘fill’ myself up.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a relationship to life in and as the physical and myself in and as the mind in the physical where I exist to constantly fill myself up to become whole, yet experiencing myself as having/being a hole and thus exist in an infinite loop of consumption and depletion
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and live and exist from a starting-point of a thought as an image of me filling myself up, yet where a ‘hole’ keeps that which I fill myself up with keeps ‘leaking’ out of me, so that I constantly have to keep filling myself up
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to become completely preoccupied with and consumed by the desire/want/need of filling myself up, while I disregard and ignore and suppress that which I perceive/believe/experience to be a hole in myself, only focused on filling myself up and thus do not understand why I am not being filled and accept the fact that I have to fill myself again and again – not seeing, realizing or understanding that no matter how many times I fill myself up, I will never be full
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate physical nourishment and support with consumption within and as redefining physical nourishment and support as consumption in having made myself believe and accept that I must consume life to be/get/have life and as such having manifested consumption in the place where nourishment should be in the world system in justifying and legitimizing it as real, through collectively as all humans agree that we are ‘consumers’ existing to ‘consume’ life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing and thus accepting as real, that I can fill myself up and become whole through consuming the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist based on a starting-point of wanting/needing/desiring to fill myself up and make myself whole
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become consumed by the desire/want/need to fill myself up and make myself whole
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that what I need and require to become whole and fill myself up is outside and separate from me in and as my external reality as the physical that I need and require to place/put/insert into myself from outside and in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I believe that I need and require to put/place/insert something outside and separate from me into me to become whole, is because I’ve separated myself from myself and that the very want/need/desire within and as me to fill myself out is based on a belief/acceptance of myself as being half/hole/lacking – due to the fact that I’ve separated myself from myself in and as the physical – it is therefore I believe that by consuming the physical, I can make myself whole again, in “taking me back to regain me” – yet I am acting WITHIN separation/as separation and thus all I do is to further distance myself from/as/within myself and thus confirm my self-separation the more I try to fill myself up with something as outside and separate from me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to, from accepting and allowing the thought as an image of filling myself up within also leaking that which I fill up direct and control my entire being and live and from this have accepted and allowed myself to participate actively in and through my mind in imagining how I will fill myself up within imaging how, when I eat this, smoke this, fuck this, watch this, drink this, speak this, hear this, see this, get this (whatever it is): I will be full. I will feel full, whole, completed, satisfied. I can finally be myself.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to constantly and continuously hold the desire/want/need to fill myself up and make myself complete preoccupy me within and as imagining this “ahh” moment of finally being able to relax, to be complete, full, whole.
I forgive myself that I’ve deceived myself into believing – and thus manipulate myself within and as justifying my starting-point of chasing after being whole, through imagining that I’ll be able to do all the things I’ve not done because of how experienced myself as always lacking chasing after that point of full-fill-ment and so that I must keep trying to fill myself up until I get to that point and that I cannot be satisfied with myself or relax until I do – not seeing, realizing or understanding that this moment and point never comes as the entire leaking/lacking filling/full dichotomy is something I have created through /within and as my relationship to my mind and the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through participating within and as internal conversation in my mind, talk myself further and further into the consumption character, where, as I participate in my internal conversation, I confirm my want/need/desire to consume as real yet at the same time confirm my belief/acceptance/experience of myself as leaking/lacking
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in backchat as internal conversation in and as amplifying my want/need/desire to fill myself up and become whole as well as my fear/believe/acceptance/experience that I am lacking/leaking
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to participate in my mind in and as internal conversation in and through words that I speak to myself in my mind
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and accept that the most and only important thing in existence is my consumption
I forgive myself that I, within and as the Consumption Character in and as supporting the Addiction Character have accepted and allowed myself to justify for myself my continued consumption through convincing myself through/within internal conversation that: “I just gotta have ONE MORE, then I’ll be satisfied/complete/full/whole/myself again.” – not ever seeing, realizing or understanding that I NEVER EVER get satisfied or feel complete or full or whole
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to fear not getting/having/consuming that which I believe I must consume to sustain my living, specifically as energetic experiences and physical manifestations and as such manifest and participate within and as the backchat as internal conversation as: “I must get more than others.” and that” I must make sure that I get it, because no one will care for me but me.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience and accept that I must fight and compete with others to consume life as energy and physical manifestations and as such be able to live/exist/survive and thus justify within and as myself that I TAKE from others well knowing that when I TAKE more, they get less but not caring about that because all that matters to me is my own survival/life/existence through/as/within consumption
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to increase my experience of wanting/needing/desiring to consume through participating in the internal conversation as backchat in talking to myself in the mind that: “I want it so bad I could scream” and as such within and as that justifying for myself my want/need/desire to consume within and through legitimizing it through generating experiences and emotions and feelings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as backchat as internal conversation within speaking to myself in my mind when I am in the ‘low’ of the cycle of consumption where I’ve stepped into the Consumption Character, getting what I’ve wanted and then start ‘leaking’ where I speak to myself in my mind that: “I feel so lost, so empty, so lacking. If I get this —- I’ll be full, complete, whole, satisfied. Then I can start living.”
(I will continue the application of Self-Forgiveness in my next post)
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