August 27, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am here walking the preparation of walking through my Addiction Characters in identifying the core and supporting Characters that I have utilized/become/assumed in living in and as the Addiction Character. The specific point I am looking at in this blog is “consumption” because I see, realize and understand that the majority if not all of my addictions are based on consumption of some sorts. And I see, realize and understand that I have created a relationship within and as myself to consumption that is not best for all – as seen clearly within the Addiction Characters.
This is a continuation to:
Stepping out of the Temptation Character: DAY 96
And Lead us not into Temptation, but Deliver us from Evil: Day 95
The Temptation Character: Day 94
Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87‘My Precious’ Addiction Redefined (PART 2): DAY 53
Gollum, Sméagol and ‘My Precious’ Addiction (PART 1): DAY 52Addicted to Abuse of Substance (Part 2): DAY 48
Addiction as ‘Life’ (Part 1) DAY 47Give ME MORE or I’ll Throw a TANTRUM! (Part 3): DAY 46
More IS Less (Part 2): DAY 45
MORE Wants MORE Wants MORE (Part 1): DAY 44
The Word Consumption means “Wasting of the body by disease; wasting disease” (replacing O.E. yfeladl “the evil disease”), from O.Fr. consumpcion, from L. consumptionem (nom. consumptio) “a using up, wasting” based on Consume that means “to use up, eat, waste,” from com-, intensive prefix (see com-), + sumere “to take,” from sub- “under” + emere “to buy, take” (see exempt). From Etymology online. http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?allowed_in_frame=0&search=Consumption&searchmode=none
Sumere: To Take/Under
Come = That which is directed into manifestation by/as self
Com = as Communication/Interaction/relationship
Sumere = The totality/sum/equals
Emere = Emerge/come into being
Emere = E-nergy More = More Energy
Relationship Equals More Energy
Through creating relationships of ‘interaction’ (through consumption – I get an experience when I eat candy for example) I get to a point of ‘equlibrium’ in myself where I for a moment ‘fill’ myself as a whole up, like an artificial point of ‘equality’ and through that I ‘come alive’ as ‘more than’ as energy – not realizing, seeing or understanding that I am in fact consuming myself and thus depleting myself – killing myself to gain life, instead of realizing that I was life all along.
Consume then means to use up or waste Life – why? Because we are consuming ourselves as Life in order to be life, which is exactly what we do through Addiction, we consume something to get an experience of ‘feeling more than’ where that ‘hole’ we experience that we believe must be filled is actually who we are, is actually where we should stop and investigate because the hole can only be filled by us being/becoming whole – realizing ourselves as whole.
Image of the continuous filling up a cup with a leaking hole in it
I imagine how, when I eat this, smoke this, fuck this, watch this, drink this, speak this, hear this, see this, get this (whatever it is): I will be full. I will feel full, whole, completed, satisfied. I can finally be myself. I imagine this “ahh” moment of finally being able to relax. And then I imagine that I’ll be able to do all the things I’ve not done because of how I experienced myself as always lacking chasing after that point of full-fill-ment.
“I must have it.”
“I just gotta have ONE MORE, then I’ll be satisfied/complete/full/whole/myself again.”
“I must get more than others.”
” I must make sure that I get it, because no one will care for me but me.”
“I want it so bad I could scream”
“I feel so lost, so empty, so lacking. If I get this —- I’ll be full, complete, whole, satisfied. Then I can start living.”
“If only I had —- I would feel complete.”
“This makes me feel SO complete, I must have more!”
“I must protect myself and make sure that I get MORE at all times”
“I must make sure I have enough… just in case”
I fear starving
I fear the experience of feeling like nothing
I fear lacking
I fear not being full
I fear not feeling satisfied
I fear I will never be satisfied/full/whole
I fear that others will take it from me and I will lack
Feeling satisfied/full/whole/happy/excited/relaxed/feeing complete/whole. Feeling a want/need/desire to “fill” myself up/anxiety/fear/panic/loneliness/desperation/feeling greedy/fearing others will take something from me/desiring to take something from others
PHYSICAL CHANGE: Distinct feeling in my stomach/solar plexus similar to hunger. A desire coming up through my stomach into my throat and mouth. Mouthwatering. Eyes pinching. Shoulders, arms and chest pulling together. The stomach is the focus. Legs are numb. When ‘full’ (for example from eating), there’s a nanosecond of feeling satisfied and complete.
We consume life to be life – it makes no sense and the consequence is seen in every aspect of the life we’ve created for ourselves. We deplete ourselves and die. While we live, we exist in inequality, where some become severely obese and others starve to death. We become completely blinded by our want/need /desire to consume. Our physical bodies and the earth deteriorate. We have absolutely no care or concern for anything or anyone else than this one point of consumption. And obviously, the consequence is that we NEVER EVER get to the point of fulfillment – because the hole we’re trying to fill is ourselves. We can only make ourselves complete. Every time we consume an external point, we exist in a separate relationship with that external point and with ourselves and thus merely confirm our own hole/separation and thus the more we consume, the more we want. It’s an endless chase after something that can never be.
In my next post, I will continue walking the Self-Forgiveness application on the Consumption Character and the points that’s come up in this blog post.
Give yourself the daily gift of reading the blogs from Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk!