August 9, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this post I walk through the point of how connecting with others is in fact a delusion and deception. I am thus writing out self-corrective and self-commitment statements on the ‘connecting with other people’ character that I wrote about in my last post and that is an intricate part of the network of characters that I have been writing about in my last 10 posts about my relationship with and towards others in my world and my reality.
Read parts 1 – 10 here:
- Everybody Loves Me – I Am a Star! DAY 79
- If They Don’t See Me, does that mean I’m Not Here? DAY 80
- Intermission with the Comparison Character: DAY 81
- If a Tree Falls in a Forest and No One is Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound? DAY 82
- Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that Light I Turn my Back: DAY 83
- Adults Rotten Values Becomes The Men Children are Made of: DAY 84
- Redefining The Word Attention: DAY 85
- The Showing Off Character: DAY 86
- Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87
- Desire to Connect/Fear of not Connecting with Others: DAY 88
I see, realize and understand that my desire to connect with other people was in fact me showing myself that I have disconnected myself from myself through projecting my own disconnection from myself onto others as representing my separation of and from myself
I see, realize and understand that the more I have been attempting to connect with other people, the more I have disconnected myself from myself and from others as myself because I through participating in a desire to connect with others was in fact confirming my disconnect from myself
I see, realize and understand that I can never ever connect with other people in fact, because my starting-point of connecting with other people, has been based on my acceptance and creation of being disconnected from and as and within myself
I see, realize and understand that I can only connect with others as myself as one and equal as that is what connection is, connecting that which I have separated – which is myself here in and as my human physical body and myself as all – it is not me that is disconnected from others and who can connect through others – it is all within and as myself
I see, realize and understand that my desire to connect with another human being, is in fact my desire to connect with myself
I see, realize and understand that the relationship I have created within and as myself towards other people and in social situations is in fact a direct reflection and manifestation of my relationship within and as myself towards myself in how I have separated myself into and as a mind-consciousness-system of characters and personalities in relationships (represented by/as my external environment as other people) and my physical experience of being disconnected, of not being here, of not existing (representing who I am in and as the physical as life that I have separated myself from)
When and as I step into a social situation, as a situation where I am present with others in a particular environment like school or shopping or a family reunion, I remain here breathing within and as my physical body
When and as I see that I am projecting myself outside myself when I am in a social situation with others in how I separate myself from my human physical body, constrict my body and hold myself in a ‘lock-in’ in focusing only on my external environment based on a starting-point of fear, I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here to, in and as my human physical body. I support myself to remain stable here being comfortable within and as myself.
When and as I see that my entire focus and attention is within and as my mind in analyzing the situation I am in in terms of the relationship dynamics between people and how to fit myself into the environment and strategically in my mind work out who’s a possible threat and who’s a possible alley – I stop. I bring myself back here in my human physical body through breath.
Because I see, realize and understand that my starting-point is fear of not connecting with people based on the belief that I must connect with others to survive and live and be successful and that I am disconnected from others – which is in fact based on me having disconnected myself from myself and thus my starting-point within stepping into a social situation is that I am already disconnected and in my disconnect as separation from myself believe that it is others I have to connect with and that I am disconnected from
I see, realize and understand that I have been attempting to connect with other people through participating within and as the mind in separating myself from myself here by analyzing the social situation and relationship-dynamics based on a starting-point of fear that I will be rejected/excluded/disconnected/ridiculed if I do not fit myself into the social situation and relationship-dynamics
I see, realize and understand that I have participated in social situations based on a starting-point of already accepting myself as not fitting in and expecting that I will be rejected/excluded/disconnected/ridiculed
I see, realize and understand that I have believed that everyone else were already fitting in and were real in their participation with others and therefore that there is something wrong with me because it does not come natural to me to participate with others and within and as that believe that I am a threat to my own survival and that I must change myself so as to fit myself into social situations
When and as I see that I am experiencing a want, need and desire to fit myself in to a specific social situation, to fit myself in with other people where I experience a positive feeling in fitting myself in with others, I stop.
When and as I see that I fear not fitting in with others that they won’t like me that I won’t connect with others – I stop. I breathe and I bring myself back here.
I commit myself to let go of the fear of not fitting in with others, not connecting with others, not being liked.
I commit myself to let go of the desire to connect with others, to fit in with others and to being liked by others
I commit myself to step out of and let go of the ‘analyzing my social environment to fit in’ character
I see, realize and understand that I have defined, believed and accepted relationships between people and my relationship with others as the most and only important point in existence and that I have in that disregarded all of life that is here
I see, realize and understand that I have accepted relationships with other people as the most important point in my life in believing that it is through my relationships with others that I will survive and secure my existence
I see, realize and understand that relationships between people is a simulation of ‘connection’ as a representation of ‘togetherness’ but that in fact in and through our relationships we are confirming our separation from ourselves as we’re accepting that we’re separate and that we can only ‘unite’ and ‘connect’ through relationships with others
I see, realize and understand that I, through placing all my focus, attention and value on the relationship with other people and between people, I have disregarded all of life as everything and anything and anyone that is not relationships between people: my physical body and this physical reality, the animals and the earth
I see, realize and understand that a connection is not an experience as I am in fact connected in every moment of every breath as I breathe here, as I touch the chair with my body, as I touch the keyboard with my fingers and as such when I experience or desire a connection, I am in fact confirming my own self-created disconnection from and of myself
I see, realize and understand that I have disregarded and diminished my connection here in and as myself and my connection to and as all life here in the physical through separating myself from existing in connection, believing that the connection that I already have and am is not valuable or worthy, while only placing value on energetic experiences and relationships between people
I commit myself to stop disconnecting myself from what is here in and as the physical and form myself in and as my human physical body
I commit myself to connect and reconnect myself here in and as the physical through disciplining myself to remain in breathe and so every time I see that I am participating in/of/from/as the mind through thought, backchat, reaction or physical movement – I direct myself to bring myself back here to breath
I commit myself to honor the connection of all life that is already here in, through and as the physical by expanding my understanding, seeing and realizing of how all is connected through, within and as the physical
When and as I see that I am acting from a starting-point of disconnection, I stop. I bring myself back here through and as breath in the realization that all is already connected and I am the only one that can make it disconnect, which is not even real, but only existing as a distance and separation in the delusional reality of and as my mind that I have accepted and allowed to have dominion over life
I see, realize and understand that I have disregarded the physical connections and connectedness specifically because I within being physically connected (which I cannot not be) do not produce or experience energetic experiences as energetic experiences is that which I have defined myself as feeling alive by and according to as well as that which I subsequently have assigned value as real and significant
I commit myself to redefine what it means to be alive, from an energetic experience that in fact is based on and consequential to the depletion of life, to a physical application and expression of myself here, as I expand myself and move myself into and as the physical and out of the mind
I see, realize and understand that I have feared and resisted giving up and letting go of my ‘connection with other people’ character and how I have experienced myself being successful and effective within that because I feared who I would be and how I would survive without effectively creating positive connections with others
I see, realize and understand that there is no such thing as connections between human beings in relationships – and as such I see, realize and understand that I’ve believed and lived a delusion, deception and illusion and lie and have participated in upholding this lie through living according to it in everyone as myself
Thus, I see, realize and understand that by giving up my ‘connection with other people’ character, I am in fact only giving up a delusion, illusion, deception and lie that I myself created, through separating and thus disconnecting myself from myself and then creating a simulation of ‘connection’ in that separation with others as outside and separate from me
I see, realize and understand that I’ve feared connecting with myself in fact here through and within bringing myself back here into and as the physical, because then I were to give up my ‘connecting with other people’ character in realizing that I don’t need or require to connect with others, because I have liked and enjoyed my ‘ability’ to ‘connect’ with others – based on the fear that if I can’t/don’t connect with others, I will not be able to survive and I will be excluded and rejected by others
I see, realize and understand that I have never in fact connected with anyone because such a connection is not real if it is not here in and as the physical – not as an experience but as a practical application and expression
I commit myself to stop disconnecting myself from myself here in and as the physical by stopping participation in and as the mind as a conglomerate of separate entities as characters and personalities that I have created to exist and create successful relationships with others – and to return here, to the physical as my physical body and as my relationships to others in practicality in and as the physical
I commit myself to stop giving value to and cherish within and as my the ‘connecting with other people’ character
I see, realize and understand that the successful and effective relationship that is required to be established is my relationship with myself here in and as my human physical body and the relationship between all life as one and equal as we bring ourselves back to the physical to stand as equals in directing this world to a world that is best for all life
I see, realize and understand that I don’t need to make people like me because it is entirely irrelevant if they like me or not as I am here and they are here and we are together as one in this mess we’ve created on earth and we are not going to get through this through liking each other – only through being self-honest and establishing relationships of equality as what is best for all
I see, realize and understand that for a moment it is required to step into characters in social situations so as to effectively be able to place myself in the system so that I can in fact make a difference in and as this world and that these characters does not define me or influence me or make me more or less than who and what I am here in and as the simplicity of my human physical body
I commit myself to show that our desire to connect with others, is in fact an indication of our separation and disconnection of and from ourselves here in and as the physical, in our human physical bodies and with all as one and so that when we desire to connect and establish relationships with others from where we derive a positive energetic experience in defining ourselves as successful, effective and alive – we are in fact confirming our own separation and only disconnecting ourselves more from what is here
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