August 5, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Introduction: Today I came back from a weekend road-trip where I went with my partner to his family’s reunion meeting that they have every second year. I did not have the opportunity to use my computer, so I have not been posting any writing. However – a particular point I faced is in direct conjunction with the series I have been writing on seeking attention. I will return to the “Showing Off Character” in posts to come – but for now I will write out this particular point that I saw within me during this reunion meeting. Because it is in direct relation to the other posts I have been writing and clearly show the relationship between the negative and positive experiences and characters that are involved within this entire network of characters that are specifically festered within and as how I relate to other people relating to me.
Read parts 1 – 9 here:
- Everybody Loves Me – I Am a Star! DAY 79
- If They Don’t See Me, does that mean I’m Not Here? DAY 80
- Intermission with the Comparison Character: DAY 81
- If a Tree Falls in a Forest and No One is Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound? DAY 82
- Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that Light I Turn my Back: DAY 83
- Adults Rotten Values Becomes The Men Children are Made of: DAY 84
- Redefining The Word Attention: DAY 85
- The Showing Off Character: DAY 86
- Oneness According to The Jealousy Character: DAY 87
What I see is that I, at any social junction will extrovert myself to the extend where there is absolutely nothing inside of me, no self, no core – I am like an empty shell that looks like “someone” on the outside, but where my insides are empty. It started on the drive to the place where I got increasingly more nervous and scared of meeting my partner’s family. But once we were there, I immediately and entirely automatically “stepped into character”. My experience changed from nervous and scared to “calm”. But this calmness is not real, it is more like a “lock-in” I place myself within and as – as a survival mechanism. The character moves everything for me – as me. The consequences are that I for example will eat the food that the people I am with eat, even if it is not supportive for my body. I always get constipated when I am in such social situations, which is another manifested consequence of my “lock-in” experience. I will like the things the people like, follow their conversations and thus completely integrate myself into the environment I am in. I’ve seen it before in how I will be willing to do anything, be anything, and compromise all of myself to “fit in.” It is virtually like I don’t exist for as long as I am in this situation. I can’t relax, even when I go to my own room or if I were to take a walk by myself. I literally do not exist. My entire attention is on my external environment. It has severe strain on my physical body. I become very tired and exhausted. The mind is on “overdrive” analyzing all the information about the people, who’s in a relationship with who, who is a potential threat, who is a potential alley, how should I act to make them like me? All my actions are strategic and 100 % “in character”.
But where does it start? It starts with fear. It starts with self-diminishment. Because I expect that I don’t fit in already. I expect that I have to compensate for “who I am” by creating this false character of “goodness” that I believe I must play to get my desired result: that people like me. When I talked to my partner about it, I could see that it started when I was a child in how I experienced myself extremely awkward in social situations. I would be hyper-alert towards the rules and games of the social situations and all my focus would be on that – no real expression. It also started within how I saw my mother not being effective in social situations and how she would experience herself as uncomfortable and as an outsider. So even though I experienced myself as such, I utilized my hyper-alertness towards the rules of social situations and the ability to analyze social situations, to create a character that I could use to fit in with whatever group I was in. It is very odd to look at now – because many people I’ve known and met would probably say that I am very relaxed and talkative and social, but in fact I have never actually been comfortable with being in social situations of any kind – even in school. I remember that when I came home from school, I would be absolutely exhausted because I’d spent my entire day learning the rules of the game and analyzing everything and then accordingly trying to fit myself in – and what worse is: through this character, I’ve lead myself to extensive self-abuse and compromise. Because I would do whatever was devised in the particular group-setting as “normal behavior” – whatever that was, without stopping and asking myself if what I was doing was in fact best for myself and my physical body. Consequently, I’ve never actually belonged to a group because I never actually in fact integrated myself into the group. I would then go to the opposite polarity of saying “fuck this, fuck these people” and would for example leave early from parties. I would then go home, crawl under the covers and be completely exhausted. So the question is: am I even an “extrovert person”? OR is everything I have ever been a charade? WHO AM I THEN? DO I EVEN EXIST? YES – because I am here in and as a physical body. I have simply yet to integrate myself into and as myself, with myself here. I recall this pattern as far back as kindergarten when I was 4-5 years old. I would know all the names of all the children and their siblings and their parents, I would know who was sick and who is playing with whom. Wow – what an extensive network of information that I created to serve one purpose: to establish myself in the world. And conclusively I never in fact established myself in the world or within myself. As I write this and as I have looked at this previously, I experience a sense of “longing” towards “just being myself” – a desire to finally “land” inside myself, not needing other people’s attention – not requiring to constantly analyze social situations to make myself fit in. And I can also see that this is not personal. I have simply reacted a particular way to how the relationships of the world-system are constructed and as I went along with my reactions, I refined these characters to the point where I was completely consumed.
I desired to “be part of the world” and I did not see or realize or allow myself to admit that I already was. So I tried to find something real as myself within and as the fakeness of the world-system. As a child I enjoyed being alone and doing things alone, but I did not value this – because I saw that it was through building effective relationships with other people that I could become “a part of the world.” I thus completely devalued how I was already here with myself, with nature, with animals, with and within my human physical body. Am I ready to let it go? Yes I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to externalize myself to the point where my entire focus, attention and beingness is within and as my external environment, specifically within and as the particular social situation I am in, in any given moment with the relationship-dynamics and games that are playing out between people – where I am in no way here within and as my human physical body as I project all of me outside myself in order to “make something of myself” through this externalization/projection mechanism
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus all my senses and my entire physical awareness only on my external environment as the particular social situation I am in and the particular relationship-dynamics and games in that environment where I will directly compromise and abuse my human physical body, through separating myself from and as it and directly through participating in activities and consumption that is in no way best for my physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compensate for “who I am” by “becoming someone else” – specifically as a character as I have been aware that it is a character in order to fit in and be liked and accepted by other people – without ever having questioned if that “who I am” as who and what I perceived myself as, was even real, was even who I am in fact – or if it is yet another character that I have assumed for myself and accepted myself as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resist and deliberately refuse to give myself up as an “extrovert person” because of what I perceived/believed/experienced myself as getting/gaining from being extrovert as: attention and thus energetic experienced derived therefrom and “success” within and as being liked and accepted by others and thereby gaining that “place in the world” that I so desperately desired and not realized was already here as who I am within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “a place in the world” as being included in and belonging to a group of people and that “success” was that moment where I was accepted into the group as “accepted for who I am”.
I can see a point of origin of this desire, because I was born and brought up into a split family where it was only my mother and myself. And my mother had a problematic relationship to other people in general. I can also see how this desire was in fact showing me what is here within and as the world, as the fake and abusive relationships between people – but instead of remaining here within and as myself in self-trust, I did the opposite of pushing myself away and embracing in full the world system of relationships as THE only real value. So basically the emptiness and fakeness and strenuousness I’ve always experienced and how I could never understand why I couldn’t “feel it” as real was in fact an accurate seeing of what is here – but I accepted it as real and thus I took it personally and inverted it into and as myself, believing that there was something personally wrong with me because I couldn’t “feel it”.
The keyword for what I have desired the most in this world is: Connection. And conclusively I feared extensively being “disconnected” – excommunicated from my external social environment – never seeing, realizing or understanding that everything I was experiencing was simply what is already here – what I had already accepted and allowed to be here – and who, what and how I had already accepted myself as: as disconnected from myself and thereby disconnected from others. And the more I have sought a “connection” with others, the more I disconnected myself from myself. I have always desired to “be real”, to “experience for real” – yet I have sought that in two specific places ONLY in my life: in relationships with other people and in consumption/experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ever consider, see, realize or understand that within the desire to connect with other people and the subsequent fear to be disconnected from other people – I was in fact showing myself who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as – as disconnected from myself here, as my human physical body and as all of existence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the more I tried connecting with other people, the more I confirmed for myself my own self-disconnect because I sought a connection IN the very manifestation of my self-separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the connection I have been desiring is the connection from/of/as myself that I disconnected myself from/of/as within and as separating myself from myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that who I am – as who and what I have accepted myself as within and as my relationship with myself and my relationship towards others in and as social situations is in fact a direct representation of what I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest myself into and as – in how I have separated myself into and as a mind-consciousness-system of characters and personalities in relationships (represented by/as my external environment as other people) and my physical experience of being disconnected, of not being here, of not existing (representing who I am in and as the physical as life that I have separated myself from)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as soon as I step into a new social situation/environment – immediately separate myself from myself here in and as my physical body and project all of me, all my attention, all my focus, all my awareness onto my external environment as the people and the relationship dynamics and rules that I see and perceive is taking place
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, whenever I am in a social situation/environment activate a character of analyzing my environment as the people and the relationship dynamics and rules that I see and perceive is taking place, specifically so as to place myself successfully/effectively and create “connections” to the people, through understanding the rules and dynamics of the particular people and social situation within and as a starting-point of fearing (and accepting myself) to be disconnected/excluded/rejected/ridiculed
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a fear of being disconnected from others, as how I see and perceive them as separate individuals and as particular groups and relationship dynamics – within and as a starting-point of already believing/perceiving/defining/experiencing and accepting myself as disconnected
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a desire to connect with other people – within and as having accepted the relationships between people as the most valuable point in existence, as the only valuable point in existence, as that through which my existence is secured, defined and made meaningful
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, through, within and as my acceptance of the relationships between people being the most important and valuable in existence, have accepted and allowed myself to ignore, disregard and separate myself from everything and anything that is not relationships between people: my physical body and this physical reality, the animals and the earth
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship with others and how successful I am within connecting with other people in creating positive relationships – as the most valuable point in existence, as the only valuable point in existence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason why I cannot and have ever been able to establish real connections with others, is because I have existed within and as a starting-point of being/accepting myself as disconnected from myself, where every time I sought a connection with another, I was only confirming my disconnection from myself as I sought for a connection in/as myself, outside myself in separation of and from myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as an experience of frustration towards facing myself within and as this point – where I experience myself as being unable to establish a connection in and as this writing – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that “connection” is not an experience – and that I am already connected, I have always been connected as connected is what I am to this chair I am sitting on, connected is what I am between my fingers and the pressing on the keys on the keyboard, as connected is what I am as I type words and speak them out loud, as connected is what I am here in my physical body functioning through connected parts, as blood connecting with the heart and muscles connecting with the bones
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/perceive/define/judge/diminish and deem my connection to and as the physical as irrelevant and insignificant to whom and what I am here, as that which I have placed value on – as energetic experiences and relationships – while in fact the physical is what is connected and connecting
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I within and as the physical am connected and connecting in every moment of every breath and that the only reason why I have experienced myself as disconnected, is because I have disconnected myself from life as what is here in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the physical connections and connectedness because the physical connection of me here in contact with the physical, as the physical, does not produce an energetic experience through which I create an experience of feeling connected and alive through this feeling in how I have valued only energetic experiences and how and what I feel, as valuable, real and significant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and exist within and as fear of losing my feeling of being connected to other human beings that I experience and perceive myself as having successfully established a connection with through, within and as a relationship of energetic experiences – where I did not see, realize or understand that what I feared losing was not real and was in fact my own self-separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to walk within and as myself constantly and continuously in the fear of being/feeling disconnected and the desire to connect that I have projected onto others, as representations of my separation of/from myself into and as the mind, where I attempt to connect with characters and personalities as people and hold onto the relationships I created towards these characters and personalities inside myself and in the external projection onto others, where all I am doing is confirming for myself my own disconnection from and of myself here in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear connecting with myself here in and as the physical – in acceptance of myself here – because I fear that I will lose my connection to others and my character of analyzing and fitting myself into relationships so as to connect with others – not seeing, realizing or understanding that the only one I am disconnected from is myself – exactly as I am disconnected from others as myself to whom I cannot connect, if I am not connected within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, feel, experience and accept that I don’t know how to re-connect with and within myself – when in fact I know exactly how: because how I am disconnected from myself is within how I have separated myself into and as the mind as a separate alternative reality from the physical that is here and as such the solution is obvious: to stop disconnecting myself from myself here in and as the physical by stopping participation in and as the mind as a conglomerate of separate entities as characters and personalities that I have created to exist and create successful relationships with others – and to return here, to the physical as my physical body and as my relationships to others in practicality in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing and accepting that I don’t know how to reconnect with/as myself here and to stop who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become in my relationship with others
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing and accepting that I don’t know to connect with/within/as myself here – because I fear giving up and losing my character of seeking connections in and through establishing successful relationships with others based on the rules of engagement in particular social situations/environments – because I believe that I have finally perfected these relationships and have finally become successful in connecting with others – when it is 100 % absolutely evident that I have not, as I still when I am with others and even when I am alone, am disconnected from myself here in the physical, which is evident by how I experience myself in my body, how I experience myself disconnected form/of and in my body, how my body responds with pain, strain, constipation and weight-gain to who and what I accept and allow myself to exist as here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and cherish the character that I have created of connecting with other people through establishing successful relationships with them and to within that not want to let that go in seeing how I have spent a life-time building and creating that character and perfecting it so that I can now step into a social situation/environment and MAKE people like me
(I will continue in the next post with walking this point)
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