August 2, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Introduction: Yesterday I posted on my Danish blog as I wrote about a point that came up and that was not particularly a part of the series I have been walking on the ”Attention-Seeking Character”. I have decided that I will utilize my Danish blog to write about points that are not a part of my daily blog in English. This way I get to write in Danish and I don’t have to break the rhythm of the daily blog.
In this blog, I am going to go back and pick up a point before writing self-forgiveness on the “Showing-Off Character” that I wrote about in my previous post. I have written about the “Self-Diminishment Character” and the “Comparison Character” and in this post I will pick up on that in Self-Forgiveness, specifically focusing on the “Jealousy Character”. I wrote about the cycle of the self-diminishment character in the post above and I’ve since experienced and stepped into it again, which is why I could see that I had to go back and “pick it up” because I had not yet applied Self-Forgiveness. When I started looking at the point of comparison, I could see that one only compares from a starting-point of measuring which is best between two (or more) points, where obviously one will be ‘the winner’. Now – if I were to compare apples or oranges or two different types of pens, I would most likely do so from a starting-point of looking at 1) which is my preference and 2) which is the most practical for what I require. If I require Vitamin C, I might eat the orange as it is richer in vitamin C or if I am to feed a horse I might pick the apple, because my horse does not like oranges. Or if I am to write on a DVD I might pick the pen with a permanent marker, whereas if I am doing math calculations and I require editing, I might pick the pencil with an eraser on top. None of these prescribe value to the item that is not selected as ‘the winner’ for the specific usage. None of these place particular value on one item ‘winning’ and the other time ‘losing’. The pen does not feel discarded and diminished because it is not a permanent marker. The apple does not feel jealous that the orange has more vitamin C in it.
Thus I can conclude that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with comparison in its essence. It can be used practically to determine which point is the most practical for the task at hand. So the fact that I experience jealousy and launch an entire arsenal of characters when I am on the ‘losing side’ of a comparison competition game – shows that there is a point within and as myself that is misaligned with practical reality. And what I have also seen is that when I am on the ‘winning side’ of a comparison competition game, I don’t even notice that there is a comparison competition game going on, or rather: all I care about is that I came out the winner and will in that moment see it as ‘perfectly natural’ that I ‘won’. Whereas when I am on the ‘losing side’ of the game, a shit storm arise inside me and my entire world is fucked and everything and everyone is fucked – that’s how I’ve seen it. So what happens with the human-mind-ego-version of comparison is what? Jealousy. The belief that there can only be one winner. Thus, there can only be one fruit in the fruit bowl and it is oranges, then apples are fucked and will be discarded and left to rotten and the apples are thus diminished and less-than the oranges. It is really one big delusion. Because obviously there can not only be one human being on the planet – meaning, we can win over everyone and in the end, who is it we are competing against and comparing ourselves to? Ourselves.
Here are the preceding posts where I began writing about these characters:
So – when I experience jealousy towards a being in my world, it is in the belief that what they have, I can’t have because they have ‘it’ and I see this as unfair because obviously I am the center of the universe and so my world is totally fucked up if someone has something I don’t have. When I accept and allow myself to participate in the jealousy character I say: “I confirm and validate that I am NOT that and that I cannot be that, because that person is that and only one person can be that” – not seeing, realizing or understanding that what I am busy participating with, is exactly comparing myself to something of and as myself that I have separated from myself. So I am looking at a mirror (as the other being representing my self-separation) seeing something I have separated myself from and thus believe I can’t be/have because it is “over there” with/as the other person and THEN I believe I can’t be it/have it, that I am not it – because “there can only be ONE winner” – not seeing, realizing or understanding that the key word here is ONE, that I am the ONE and that is obviously why I can’t be it/have it, lololol – because I am apparently not “THE ONE” even though I can only be the one, there cannot even be any other one, not saying that the other one is not the one either – LOL. So it is exactly like the comparison between apples and oranges: they’re here as equals in value and one does not lose by the other one being the most practical or usable in a particular moment. This is obviously what one is not getting when feeling jealous – which essentially is based on me accepting that I am not ONE in myself to begin with and thus accept that another can take that oneness from me. What is also interesting, is that it is only in that moment that I experience it – which means that it is only in the moment where I am faced with another ‘being/having’ something that I have already separated myself from/within/as, that I see that I don’t have it – but I have even separated myself from the fact that I have separated myself from myself, so when I am faced with this point and the fact that I am separate from it, I am already in a delusional state of acceptance, which the blame and projection onto the other being is evident of.
What such experiences thus can be utilized for is spotlights of specific points where one has separated oneself from oneself and thereby investigate and look at how one has separated oneself from this point and how one can practically re-integrate (or integrate) oneself in and as this point in equalizing self in and as it. THIS is the actual point that I am facing when I experience jealousy: my own acceptance and deliberate decision and accumulation of separating myself from myself. And the entire jealousy/comparison component and the consequential experiences is the evident fact that I am abdicating myself and my self-responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.
So – I generally experience jealousy when I see someone as expressing a quality that I’ve already accepted that I don’t have/am. And if I am simply here with myself seeing that I don’t have it, it is not cool. But when I then see someone else having it, ‘it’ exists and I am in fact confronted with the fact that this point is myself and that I’ve separated myself from it, but because I have already abdicated myself – I don’t see that it is already myself and thus this entire show of characters entering the scene starts playing out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the reason why I experience jealousy when I see that someone is expressing a quality that I do not, is because I have separated myself from that quality in and as myself, and because I have abdicated self-responsibility for having separated myself, I don’t see that this is what I am facing in the moment of being faced with this quality and simply accept that this is something I don’t have – as though it was a possession and not an expression of self – but because there can only be ONE as I am ONE within and as myself, I experience an inner conflict, which is actually only exposing my own self-dishonesty where I, in my abdication of myself, deceive myself into believing that the other person (as a mirrored representation of my self-separation) has taken something from me and that I can’t have it, because they have it – while in fact all I am doing is confirming my own self-separation and my own abdication of and from myself.
I see, realize and understand that being jealous has absolutely no validity and that being jealous is in fact unacceptable because the basis of me being jealous is that I am lying to myself and refusing to stop separating myself from myself and refusing to see that I am separated myself from myself – because if I had to admit that, I would have to take self-responsibility
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, when and as I am faced with another being expressing a quality that I can see that I am missing because I am not expressing this quality – to simply stop and look in self-honesty at why I am not expressing this quality and how I have separated myself from this quality within and as myself and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead confirm within and as myself that I am separate from this point through within and as reacting to the fact that I am missing this point in experiencing jealousy towards the other being and consequently accept myself as ‘the loser’ of the comparison and competition game and from there accumulate the experience that the other being has taken something from me, or that because they have this point, I can’t have it/be it and from there step into the self-pity character and the “Self-Diminishment Character” and the self-sabotage character in and through which I confirm and confirm and confirm for myself that I am separate from this expression and take ‘revenge’ by punishing myself as though I am saying: “well, if I can’t have it, then fuck it, I’ll ruin myself and it will be YOUR fault because you took this from me!)
I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to experience jealousy, I am in fact preventing myself from bringing a point back to myself that I have separated myself form and as and are in fact confirming my own self-separation through accepting and allowing myself to step into the jealousy-character – when I had the opportunity to instead in that moment, bring the point back to myself and in fact give myself back to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through accepting and allowing myself to step into and as an emotional experience and inner conflict when and as I see another expressing a quality that I am not expressing, in seeing that I AM NOT THAT and thus judging myself for not being that, believing that I am terribly wrong and horrible and flawed and inferior because I am not that and thus spiral and spin myself into an emotionally possessed time-loop, where I in fact create more manifested consequences for myself and preoccupy myself within and as self-dishonesty and self-abdication and as such prevent myself from actually developing that exact quality that I see another is expressing – equally within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not – when and as I see another expressing a quality that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from/as – commit and direct myself to develop this quality within and as myself
So – I commit myself to, when and as I see another expressing a quality that I can see (through comparison) that I do not, I immediately support myself to direct myself – I breathe and I bring the point back to myself in and as self-honesty in seeing how I have separated myself from/as this quality that the other being is expressing and how I can practically equalize myself to this expression and quality within and as myself – as a practical application of bringing myself back to myself
I see, realize and understand that I have misused and misrepresented comparison as it is simply a practical application of consideration of which manifestation is the best for a specific practical purpose and that it does not devaluate the manifestation that is deselected – because that manifestation would not have been best for the specific practical application and would be best for another practical application (as the example with the oranges and the apples above)
I see, realize and understand that I have stood misaligned within and in relation to comparison because of WHO I AM and not because of what comparison is – where I have used comparison to measure winners and losers and where the loser were always disqualified, devaluated and discarded based on the belief in and as the delusion of separation that there can only be ONE – not seeing, realizing and understanding that both apples and oranges are ONE – one apple, one orange, exactly as I am one and we are all one together – thus oneness cannot be exclusive or excluding – in this, I also see, realize and understand that ONENESS equals WHOLENESS and as such within and as representing oneness within who and what I am in my acceptance of myself as separate from myself, I have understood that only the one that wins is ‘whole’ whereas I when I lose am thus ‘holed’ and ‘lacking’ – but because I have at the same time accepted myself as the center of the universe, I construct an internal conflict over the fact that I am not THE ONE (because I am not expressing the particular quality that the other is) yet believe that I should be the one and thus that I in that moment lose the totality and wholeness of myself – while in fact, all I was doing is mirroring my own self-separation
I see, realize and understand that being ONE is not some romantic holy hippie spiritual wonderful experience – but that it is a fact of life. We cannot get away from each other or the consequences we each manifest here on earth, because we are just one. And what we’ve each in our collective oneness have done, is to separate ourselves – yet because we’re already one, everyone claims that THEY are THE ONE or invent bullshit beliefs that “we are one” as though that is something magical – when in fact our ONENESS is fucked! My oneness inside and as myself is equally fucked, if I accept and allow myself to be jealous of something that is already myself but that I have separated myself from deliberately so as to not have to take self-responsibility.
When and as I see that I am accessing and stepping into the jealousy character, I immediately stop – because I see, realize and understand that the only reason I would step into the jealousy character, is so as to confirm my own self-separation so as to not actually have to bring myself back to myself and as such take self-responsibility
I commit myself to step out of and stop the jealousy character as I have seen, realized and understood that it has absolutely no practical value or applicability
When and as I see that I am accessing and stepping into the comparison character where I come out of the competition game as either a loser or a winner, I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that comparison is absolutely invalid the way I have participated within and as it, through my deluded belief in and as my acceptance of myself as separated, that there can only be ONE – and that this ONE can only be separated – and therefore that if I am not THE ONE, the other must be the ONE/OWN/WON and therefore that I am then NO-ONE/-NO-ONE/THE LOSER – while in fact I am already ONE and we are already ONE – exactly as the apples and oranges co-exist in equality
I commit myself to stop and step out of the comparison character
I commit myself to redefine and apply myself within and as this redefinition in my practical participation, the word comparison to a practical way of measure the practical applicability of two or more manifestations (such as things or people) in a particular moment as to what is best for all in and as that moment
Suggested reading for further perspectives:
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