July 30, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
This is the final part of the self-commitment statements I have been writing in the series about getting attention from others based on a specific memory from when I was a child. In my next post I will continue deconstructing these patterns and characters.
Read parts 1 – 6 here:
- Everybody Loves Me – I Am a Star! DAY 79
- If They Don’t See Me, does that mean I’m Not Here? DAY 80
- Intermission with the Comparison Character: DAY 81
- If a Tree Falls in a Forest and No One is Around to Hear it, Does it Make a Sound? DAY 82
- Lost am I in Light Supernal, yet on that Light I Turn my Back: DAY 83
- Adults Rotten Values Becomes The Men Children are Made of: DAY 84
Redefining the word Attention
I derive energy from others giving me attention as energetic experiences that I have projected onto another/others in defining attention as recognition, respect, care and love and as such as value.
1 the mental faculty of considering or taking notice. notice taken.
2 special care or consideration. (attentions) a person’s behaviour to another as an indication of affection or sexual interest.
3 Military a position assumed by a soldier, standing very straight with the feet together and the arms straight down the sides of the body.
late 14c., “giving heed,” from L. attentionem (nom. attentio) “attention, attentiveness,” noun of action from pp. stem of attendere “mental heeding” (see attend). Used with a remarkable diversity of verbs (e.g. pay, gather, attract, draw, call). As a military cautionary word preparative to giving a command, it is attested from 1792.
c.1300, “to direct one’s mind or energies,” from O.Fr. atendre (12c., Mod.Fr. attendre) “to expect, wait for, pay attention,” and directly from L. attendere “give heed to,” lit. “to stretch toward,” from ad- “to” (see ad-) + tendere “stretch” (see tenet). The notion is of “stretching” one’s mind toward something. Sense of “take care of, wait upon” is from early 14c. Meaning “to pay attention” is early 15c.; that of “to be in attendance” is mid-15c. Related: Attended; attending.
Realizations and Self-Commitment Statements:
I see, realize and understand that I have consciously/subconsciously defined attention as something more-than the physical act of looking at/seeing/hearing/listening/speaking with/communicating within and as a positive polarity definition through/within which I have charged the word attention with a positive energetic charge that I have defined in association to the words recognition, respect, care and love and that I as such have perceived/believed/experienced/defined and accepted that when someone gives me attention – they are recognizing, respecting, caring for and loving me and accordingly have generated a positive energetic experience within and as my human physical body experienced as a small lightning of energy shooting up through my spine and into my head, shoulders and chest and accordingly when someone (or anyone) does not give me attention, I experience a negative energetic experience of feeling depleted of energy
I see, realize and understand that I have subconsciously/unconsciously defined attention as being given energy by another giving me attention and within and as having equated energy with/as life/existing I have perceived myself as only existing and only coming (more) alive when another gives me attention
I see, realize and understand that I have separated myself from the word attention as the act of focusing on a specific point/person for practical reasons within and as an expression of consideration through having accepted and allowed myself to define attention in and according to my separation of and from myself here as life and into and as energy-authority only – where I literally have defined attention as me getting energy as life from someone outside/separate from me
I see, realize and understand that I have defined/experienced and accepted myself only within and in relation to the amount of energetic experiences I collect within and as me, in accepting/believing and experiencing that the more energetic experiences I have, the more alive I am and the less energetic experiences I have – the less alive I am
I see, realize and understand that I have defined attention and the energetic experience I derive from getting attention from others as something I possess, as my possession and within and as that I see, realize and understand that I have become obsessed and possessed with the desire to get attention and the fear of losing attention from others
I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as an energy-vampire deliberately sucking the energy out of others, through the attention they gave me so that I could have a positive energetic experience
I see, realize and understand that I have made myself a slave to getting attention from others because I have made myself a slave to energetic experiences within and as defining and accepting energy/energetic experiences as life/living/existing and within and as believing/accepting and experiencing that I get energy from others when they give me attention
I see, realize and understand that I have separated myself from love, recognition, respect and care through projecting these onto others as outside and separate from me in associating love, recognition, respect and care with attention and as such I see, realize and understand that I have conditioned love, recognition, respect and care to/as/within an energetic positive experience that I derive from getting attention from others, which means that if/when I do not get attention from others (or anyone) I experience/believe and accept myself to be lacking/without love, recognition, respect and care
I see, realize and understand that I have not given myself attention, here in and as my human physical body, through considering myself or feeling myself in and as the physical or listening to myself in and as the physical and seeing myself here in any way whatsoever, because I have been completely and totally preoccupied and possessed within and as projecting my attention onto others in my relationship to others within and as my dependency upon getting energy from others to feel and experience myself as alive/living/existing
I see, realize and understand that I have not ever given another attention within and as seeing, listening, hearing, reading their words or speaking with them unconditionally or in equality or here in and as the physical, because I have been completely possessed within and as my own mind as thoughts/backchat/emotions and feelings in only caring about the amount of energetic experience that I could derive from the attention another gave me
I see, realize and understand that I have seen others as valuable to give my attention only to the extent to which I could derive an energetic experience from projecting myself onto them and reflecting this projection back to myself and as such generate an energetic experience within and as myself and as such I have never actually recognized, respected, loved or cared for anyone else – or myself – but only for the next energetic experience
I see, realize and understand that I have feared letting go of my desire for attention from others and within and as that I have feared giving myself actual attention here in and as the physical, because I feared I would lose my energetic experience possession and as such lose life/living/being alive/existing – not ever, seeing realizing or understanding that I can never be alive by living inside my mind in the chase after the next energetic experience – because then I am not Here in fact, participating, breathing and living and interacting in and as the physical that is Life
I see, realize and understand that I have feared letting go of my energetic experiences because I feared that someone else would take them from me and I would be left depleted and dead – while in fact the only point I am moving towards within and as my desire for the next energetic experience, is the certain death – as the point where I have depleted myself in and as the physical to the point where it could no longer support me in and as the mind – and as such: it is all in reverse
I see, realize and understand that I have never in fact recognized, cared for, loved or respected myself and thus I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application realign and equalize myself to love, recognition, respect and care in a way that is best for all, that includes everyone and not only me, where love, recognition, respect and care are expressions of who I am in equality and oneness and not energetic experiences in separation from myself
I see, realize and understand that I have projected the entire point of attention onto others as outside, separate from me, where I have blamed and felt hurt by others if/when they did not give me attention – when in fact it was all something I was creating and accepting within and as my own mind
I commit myself to stop existing in a relationship to/with others and myself where all I care about is how much energy/energetic experiences I can get from others giving me attention
I let go of the belief and definition and experience that life/living/being alive/existing is an energetic experience and through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application I commit myself to investigate, explore, expand myself within and as and discover what life/living/being alive/existing is when it is not an energetic experience of me here in and as separation of and from myself existing through projecting myself onto others as outside separate from me
I commit myself to focus on breathing and so every time I see that I am participating in the mind, I redirect myself back here and support myself through breathing
I see, realize and understand that, that which I have defined as life, is not life in fact and is in fact the exact opposite within and through which I have recused myself as life, denied myself as life, ignored myself as life, suppressed myself as life, sabotaged myself as life, abused myself as life, depleted myself as life, just so that I could continue existing in chasing after energetic experiences
I see, realize and understand that the reason why I have experienced myself as non-existing, not valuable and worthless is because I have separated myself from myself as existence, as life, as value and as worth and have projected existence, life, value and as worth outside myself onto others in, as and through separation of and from myself
I let go of and release the energetic reaction as the lightning experience shooting up through my spine and into my arms, shoulders and head, when and as another gives me attention by speaking to me, listening to me, seeing me or mentioning me
When and as I see that I am participating in and as an energetic experience based on someone giving me attention, I simply stop and redirect myself back here into and as my physical body through breathing
When and as I see another giving something/someone else attention and not me, and I see that I am reacting, I simply stop and breathe here in realigning myself here in and as the physical
I let go of and release the jealousy that I have experienced when someone else gets attention and I do not
I let go of and release the belief that I must get attention from others so that I can feel alive/living/existing
I see, realize and understand that me existing here in and as the physical is what is real and I see, realize and understand that it is the physical that requires attention, that requires recognition, that requires respect, that requires care, that requires love – in and as myself as my human physical body and in and as the world as the earth and all beings that are here
I commit myself to redefine my definition of attention from getting energy to the simply act of focusing on a specific point/person within and as listening/hearing/seeing/looking and speaking in and as interaction
I commit myself to change my attention and to realign it and equalize it from the mind to the physical so that I can in fact focus on and consider what matters – the physical.
I commit myself to stop giving attention – within and as focusing myself in and as the mind on others as the manifestation of my separation of and from myself and to instead bring my attention back here to and as myself and to and as the physical and within and as that, I commit myself to, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application realign my attention to myself here so that I can walk myself through the mind in and as self-direction and self-honesty and stand up as life in equality and oneness
I commit myself to walk with myself here, through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application in giving my full attention to that which is practically relevant in a given moment and to ash such gift myself the gift of attention as consideration, care, respect, recognition and love of what is here as who I am as life in and as the physical
Attention is to focus on a specific point/person based on a practical consideration through seeing/looking/hearing/listening/touching/speaking with/interaction
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