July 27, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Introduction: So firstly the point I am looking at is that within opening up this point, I see that I’ve opened a can of worms. The specific character that I started out by walking is how this character is currently manifested in how I have seen myself stepping into it in my current participation. As mentioned in previous posts, the experience is that of feeling that everybody loves me, that I am liked and within that experiencing myself as a star.
However – when I started opening up the character by sourcing the origin in and as thought/backchat/reactions/physical changes, it was an entirely different starting-point of a negative experience that emerged. And obviously as I look at the character in how it plays out now, it has a polarity-counterpart character which is based on comparison and thus competition that branches out into jealousy and self-judgment, where “if everybody does not love me, I have no value.” – Specifically within how I’ve defined “everybody loves me” as me getting full attention from others, either in my one-on-one relationships with people or in group settings.
So what I am going to do here, is to walk this slowly, as slow as is required because I can see that I very easily turn myself upside-down and get ‘disoriented’ when looking at all the multiple dimensions at the same time, starting with how this character plays out now going back to the memory I located in my first post and then trying to connect these two. Because I lost track of the development of the character(s) within assuming that the process of how they developed was from point A to point C. And I’ve now realized that there’s an entire library of characters and points in between. So as to keep myself on point and in fact walk this point through, I will not attempt to look at the entire play-out and development of these character(s) at once in all its dimensions, but instead go back to the origin point as the memory and then walk it through point by point, so that I can see exactly the processes with which I have designed, developed and stepped into this character that I see myself stepping into now.
Another point that is important to mention and ‘bring into light here’ is that I have been experiencing extensive resistance towards walking through this character since I wrote the first post. I have actually been quite surprised how extensive it has been, although it has been subconscious rather than conscious, in that I’ve placed obstacles for myself through/as/within participation in the mind to NOT write this character out and as such step out of it for good. These has been confusion, experiencing myself unclear, not trusting myself to walk through it, judging myself, being uncertain if what I was doing was correct, sleeping and feeling depressed. I have asked some fellow Destonians for support and cross-referencing which is cool because even as we walk through these characters alone, support is available to in fact ensure that we are writing ourselves out effectively. I will thus amend my writings with the support given.
For context please read parts 1 – 3
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within and as myself perceive/believe and accept TV and what is on TV as that which has the most value and accordingly create a relationship to and towards TV, movies, actors, actresses, celebrities, TV series as that which I give value
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the TV as that which is given attention by the adults as those whom I see, define, perceive, experience and accept as determining/setting the values in the world, in my life and in and as myself
Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘attention’ as looking/seeing and listening as one person giving another person value by ‘giving’ their attention and as such ‘show an interest’, ‘be interested in’ and ‘caring about’ the other
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive, experience and accept that when someone gives me attention, they are giving me value, recognizing me as valuable and as such I accordingly experience myself as valued/valuable if/when/as someone gives me attention by looking at me and listening to me
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to define my value according to how much or little attention another gives me, where I literally weigh and measure my value according to who/how much attention I am given by a single person/a group
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if/when/as someone gives me attention by looking at me/seeing me/hearing me, they are recognizing my value
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my value only within being seen/heard by others/another and thereby constantly require for others to see and hear me to see, define, experience, perceive and accept myself as valuable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a connection within and as my mind between seeing the adults giving the TV attention with the words “Everybody loves Debbie” as that which the adults gave attention to and as such see, perceive, believe and experience that the adults love TV because that is what they give their attention to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that only someone who is given attention by another (the more the merrier) is recognized, respected, cared for and love
As such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am not given attention from another/a group, it means that I am not recognized, respected, cared for or loved and because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the attention I am given by others, I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize, respect, care for or love myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a want, need and desire to receive attention from adults because I have created a belief and thus accepted that only when I receive attention am I valued/valuable
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate what I perceive as being valued by others through them giving me attention as being the same as me existing, having life, Being – and thus that only when I am valued by others through the attention they give me, do I exist
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my existence is determined by and dependent upon the value that I perceive myself as getting through the attention I receive from others and as such have made myself dependent upon attention from others to perceive and experience myself as existing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my existence as an experience within and as how I feel and perceive and define myself through, as and within the mind as an energetic experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate existing with and as an energetic experience that I believe and accept as deriving from the value as recognition, respect, care and love given to me by others through their attention
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define, believe, see, perceive, experience and accept me existing only within and as and based on having an energetic experience created in a relationship with others, even by others – as something that not in any way has anything to do with me or my physical human body but only in how my relationship with others affect me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, feel, and experience and accept that if another does not give me attention, that I do not exist, that I am not valued/valuable, cared for, respected or loved – which is really that if another does not give me attention, I do not experience an energetic experience as that which I’ve defined existing as and defined myself according to
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I experience when/if/as another does not give me attention, is that I don’t exist BECAUSE they don’t give me attention, when in fact it is because I don’t get an energetic experience if another is not giving me attention and as I have defined existing as having an energetic experience, I then experience/perceive/believe and accept that I don’t exist if another does not give me attention
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand the extent to which I have separated myself from myself to base my existing on an energetic experience that I derive from the value I perceive myself as receiving when another gives me attention – where I am not in any way here in and as my human physical body or even registering my own existence, because I have accepted and allowed myself to be completely consumed obsessed with and possessed by getting energetic experiences and as such experience and feel myself to be ‘alive’
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, that which I have defined and believed to be ‘living’ and ‘life’ and ‘being alive’ is in fact the exact opposite of life through/within/as which I have denied myself as life, recused myself as life, ignored myself as life, depleted myself as life, suppressed myself as life, through/as/within chasing after energetic experiences constantly and continuously without end
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, at the moment I walked into the room where the adults were watching TV, experience, perceive and accept myself as non-existing, not even recognizing that I am here, where I experience it as though, in the moment before everything was black/dark/silent and it is only the moment I am given attention by others that the ‘lights’ are turned on and the world starts existing and I start existing like in a play before and after the curtain call where the actors step onto the stage
(To be continued)
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