July 24, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Introduction: Even as I write the words “everybody loves me!” to place it as the title for my blog and have it “be seen”, have me be seen, I experience a surge of energy shooting up through my spine. I’ve been looking at this character quite a lot the last couple of days. For instance, the other day I went out and experienced that everyone was looking at me and that men were flirting with me. Later I experienced myself communicating so well with the people from my apartment building, like I was the star of the show… in my own mind.
On the same night I had a dream about flirting and lately I’ve been having these dreams where I am surrounded by men who loves and adores me and where I get all the attention. Lol – in one dream I dreamed that three men were fighting over who would get me and I experienced myself very comfortable as though I was bathed in their attention. Finally I’ve seen this point within what I preoccupy myself with as backchat during the day where I check who’s been following me, counting the “applauds” so to speak.
This has been an extensive point for me and I have been writing about it ever since I started participating in process, but only when we started walking the character point, did it become clear to me that this is in fact a character that I’ve assumed for myself. So I started looking at this point – this character, where I am the star of the movie in my own head, not only acting out a movie in my mind and through my participation, but in fact seeing and experiencing myself as a Star, as the ultimate center of attention that deserves ALL the attention, all eyes on me. Then yesterday I read a blog post by Viktor, which was very interesting because Viktor was writing about the exact opposite character of “hiding” oneself and specifically “NOT wanting to be seen.” Because as I read Viktor’s self-forgiveness statements, I could see how I the most of my life I have lived the exact opposite – fearing NOT to be seen, desperately desiring to be seen, to be applauded. So in a way the character I am describing here is the same as Viktor’s yet it is the opposite polarity. So I will be walking this character here for myself to see and get to the bottom of how I have designed and developed this character for myself. When I started looking at the origin of this character, this is what emerged:
Character 1: “Everybody loves me”
Thought/Image origin: (singular point of origin in the mind) A Danish movie called “Everybody loves Debbie” that I watched when I was six years old. I was not really supposed to watch it because I was too young, but as with many other situations in my childhood, I somehow ended up watching it anyway. So I was definitely aware of the fact that I was watching something that I was not supposed to watch, that it was “adult”and this added to the allure of the movie. I literally created a relationship towards the movie and for several years I thought about that title: “Everybody loves Debbie.” I remember even asking someone what that means. So the only thing I remember about the movie is that it is about a girl who is really sweet and nice and popular and then her dad or step-dad sexually molests her. That is in itself an interesting connection to the relationship that I’ve developed towards sexuality. I don’t actually remember much of the actual movie. What I remember the most is the title and how the adults around me were speaking about the movie and what I from there interpreted.
Backchat: (Internal conversation) “Why does everyone love Debbie?”, “Everyone loves Debbie because she is so sweet and nice” , “Does everybody love me?”, “Why does not everybody love me?”, “I wish I was like Debbie, then everyone would love me”, “If everyone does not love me, is there then something wrong with me?”, “I wish I was blond like Debbie”, “I wish I was nice and sweet like Debbie, then everyone would love me.”
Reactions: (how I experience myself as I assume this character) Anticipation, anxiety, fear
Physical Changes: (how my body would/does change as I assume this character) disconnecting self, head buzzing, standing in imbalance on my feet, drawing myself into myself, shoulders pulled in, heart pounding
There is another character related to the same point that I see is relevant to include here. Because I see that a specific part of this character-set or personality-suit is stemming directly from me hearing the words “Everyone loves Debbie” combined with my interpretation of what this means, along with the reactions of adults around me, where they gave attention to the movie. Another part of this is a different manifestation though in how I live this character now in my world and my reality has at least these two components in it.
Thought: (singular point of origin in the mind) An image of me standing on a stage dressed in a ball gown (I am seeing the image from the side as though I am “in” a camera or seeing the image through a camera in motion pictures.) I look out on a packed theater, one of the old ones like the one they used for the Oscars, the crowd is sort of dimmed so that no individual faces can be distinguished, but they stand up in an ovation and applaud me.
Backchat: (Internal conversation) “I am awesome”, “I really did it this time”, “they love me”, “they all love me”, “I can feel their love”, “give me more”, “I deserve this”, “I am like a god up here”, “I am a star”.
Reactions: (how I experience myself as I assume this character) Feeling superior, feeling relaxed, feeling calm, feeling in control, feeling loved, feeling adored, feeling righteous, feeling perfect, feeling exalted
Physical Changes: (how my body would/does change as I assume this character) Chin lifted, nose lifted, cheeks sucked in, shoulders relaxed, chest upwards, rush of energy shooting up through my spine, feeling “drunk”, Feeling warm, buzzing in my genitalia
So I see how these two characters or two sides of the same character have in common specifically the experience of energy shooting up through my spine. I can also see that the second character is much more clearly defined within and as me, whereas the first one has a different type of origin point, in that I specifically reacted to the words: “Everybody loves Debbie” and from there started formulating a desire within and as me of desiring for everyone to love me and adore me – and accordingly started molding my characters and personalities accordingly.
I see that I have created a fear of NOT being seen, as though if I were not seen I would no longer exist, as in a way all I have existed for is that moment. As a child I wanted to be an acrobat, a singer and do acting and I can see how all of this were meant to lead up to this one moment of standing on stage, being applauded and where everyone would finally love me. I can see how this ties together with how I saw “Debbie” as being on a stage, because she was in the television and the adults around me were giving “her” attention – interestingly enough, but not me. So in that moment I separated myself from myself in and as my physical, believing that I had to be “on stage” somehow – “in the center” exactly as the TV was in the center of the room and all the eyes of the adults were fixated on it. So what I reacted to – was not in fact “Debbie” or the movie itself, it was my experience of myself in that moment of seeing the adults looking at the TV, where I felt excluded and not seen.
The picture of me standing on stage with all eyes me, would then be the ultimate manifestation of the desire I created in that moment, a moment frozen in time that I’ve been trying to “re”create ever since, in my relationships, in my expression, in my words, in my participation. But the origin is that I separated myself from myself, I was nothing, I was no one, I was just a little child who were being treated as a child, who did not matter, whose questions were stupid, who were annoying the adults watching TV, who did not understand, who was excluded because I was not old enough to understand (for example the incest taking place in the movie) and so I see how I made a decision in that moment to move myself away from myself and into that picture and become that picture, so that I would not have to experience myself ever again as I experienced myself in that and in similar moments. I even created religious relationship to the TV and to celebrities and have secretively desired to be “on stage”, to be famous all my life.
But I went even further than that, because to make the perfect image, where everyone loves me, I have to make sure that everyone loves me and applauds me and since I have not manifested myself as a singer or performer to the extend where I would physically be able to superimpose the image in my mind into physical reality, I had to develop other strategies to hunt/haunt down the perfection of this image. So I for example deliberately changed my personality to be more nice and helpful towards others (because Debbie was like that) and I realized that people like when girls are helpful and nice. Consequently I also developed a different character of being cool and collected, because I could see that people liked people who are cool. I deliberately experimented with various expressions of clothes where I “took the stage” through making an appearance. I pretended that my life was a movie and over and over I would fantasize about this and about what kind of music would be playing right now if my life was a movie.
I NEVER EVER EVER really saw other people as anything else than potential “stuffing” in playing the role of my audience. The extend to how far I have gone in this character in what I see is manifested in my daily participation, is how I will virtually count the applauds and audiences in the “room”. This can be about how many responds to something I say or write or how someone listens to me speak. As soon as I get attention, the lighting in the back of my spine starts “glowing” as though I am “close” to getting the picture fulfilled. But – lol – the picture is perfect so it requires a full house. I have to virtually count all the people in the audience and not one of them can be sitting down or being unsatisfied, because then the picture is not perfect.
This has been somewhat “fulfilled” through sex and relationships, where I’ve superimposed the “audience” onto this one person I was with. But as you can imagine – it has been one hard job to try and press myself into this one image and make sure that everyone loves me. It has been virtually and completely impossible without a doubt. And throughout it all, I’ve missed EVERYTHING – I’ve missed myself, I’ve missed enjoying myself, I’ve missed creating actual relationships with others, I’ve missed expressing myself because I would only express myself as far as how others responded positively. Almost since the beginning of my process, I’ve had the same dream where I am doing something physical that I enjoy like acrobatics. In one moment a boy comes by (that I am in a relationship with or attracted to) and I immediately change my expression to impress him and immediately I lose the expression and am unable to continue and my entire attention goes to him. So this is a cool depiction of what it is I have been living as this character.
I’ve been wanting everyone else to give me attention and have made myself the star of the show in my own mind – but have I ever really given myself attention? Not as a picture that I could look at and admire, but actual real physical, attention? NO. In that moment with “Everybody loves Debbie”, I moved out of myself never to move in again and I moved into the TV in my mind and in my physical participation.
Obviously this is only one strain of the entire “story” of building characters that one assume for oneself and where one separates oneself from oneself, but it is quite a clear example that everything that we participate within and as, has a profound effect on us and can change us for life, if we’re not here to direct ourselves in clarity and self-honesty and make the decision about who we are that is not based on fear or self-compromise. In all those years I’ve been chasing the point of being loved by everyone else, I have never in fact considered or asked myself if I love myself. I’ve never actually even been here to ask that question – or to answer it.
In my next post I will continue with Self-Forgiveness.
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