July 22, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Disclaimer: there can be many different reasons for why one gets a headache, some of which are physiological for which one might require seeking out medical attention. One can get a headache from dehydration or being in the sun for too long – but the headache I am describing here is a manifested consequence of participation within and as the mind.
So I woke up this morning and as I started my day a headache came creeping. Headaches such as this one indicates that I was “in ego” lol “incognito” – in the head – and that there is a point I’ve not allowed myself to see/walk through. The point that I see immediately is that it is related to my relationship towards myself within oversleeping and participating in backchat. Because where I am at within it, is seeing that I overslept and feeling guilty for oversleeping and blaming and judging myself for oversleeping – but I have not actually gone to the point of investigating why I am allowing myself to oversleep. The how is easy enough, because I simply allow back chat to direct me, as I wake up I think: “oh I don’t want to get up, let me sleep some more, it feels so good.” So that is the “how” – but I have actually not been particularly keen at oversleeping and thus me oversleeping has always been a symptom of “something going on”. I can see that it has to do with my general experience and acceptance of myself within and as postponement/excuse/justification and general self-dishonesty, sabotage and abuse. And so what happens is a chain of events of consequences. It starts with me facing myself in a point of fear. From there I create resistance and from there I create back chat to follow the resistance and create a backdoor that I can slip through. So when I wake up in the morning and it is a new day, I am well aware of what I have accepted and allowed and that I have no choice but to face myself and so the oversleeping is simply the continuation of the backchat that I was busy with, yet believing that it is “a new day” and therefore “I am new” – when in fact it is the same bullshit over and over. The headache is not a character in itself, but I have assumed a particular character towards/in my relationship with the manifested consequence of headaches.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest a physical manifestation of headache as a consequence of me being dishonest with myself, of me deliberately compromising myself, of me deliberately sabotaging myself – where I, as the physical have no option or choice but to manifest a head ache as a knocking myself on the head saying “hello! There is something here that requires attention and direction.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it necessary for the physical body to go into and carry the consequence of my abdication of self-responsibility within and through manifesting pain and physical conditions of “imbalance” simply so that I can stop and face myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately ignore and deny the message I am sending myself by knocking myself on the head through manifesting a headache, every single time I have had a headache, being well aware that nothing is irrelevant or menial
Within this, I forgive myself that I instead have accepted and allowed myself to write headaches off as a “physical/biological condition” that “will pass if I just ignore it and go about my business” instead of actually sitting my ass down and giving myself the opportunity and accepting for myself the responsibility of investigating how I have created the manifested consequence of the headache and actually giving myself the courtesy and respect of taking responsibility for the manifestation of the headache and not simply write it off on the body and expect the body as a separate manifestation – as a container that I can pour all my shit into and not expect any consequences – to take care of it for me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the manifestation of a headache has nothing to do with me, because “surely it is simply something HAPPENING TO me” and as such believing that it cannot possibly be my responsibility or creation that I now experience a headache
Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only be willing to investigate the headache within wanting the experience of pain and discomfort to “go away” – not accepting or allowing myself to see, realize and understand or admit to myself in self-honesty that THE HEAD ACHE IS ME – it is manifested within me, it is manifested as a consequence of what I have accepted and allowed, it is me who are experiencing the headache – and as such the headache IS ME – and in wanting it to “go away” – what I am actually saying is that I want me to go away as the manifested consequence in which I face my acceptances and allowances of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, so that I can simply continue doing what I was doing – that through which I started the manifestation of the head ache to begin with
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want myself to go away – as that part/dimension of and as me that is calling on myself to take action, to face myself, to stand up, to take self-responsibility, that part/dimension of me that is manifested into and as consequence of abuse as pain and suffering as represented by the headache – and as such in that moment where I dismiss the headache, ignore it or simply want it to go away – are declaring for myself and all as myself that I don’t give a shit about manifested consequence and that I just want to be on my merry way without having to take any form of responsibility for the manifested consequences of my acceptances and allowances
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand – and make the directive decision for myself – that a headache is a gift and an opportunity to face myself and that the headache is simply like a slight poke saying “hey hello! Where are you?” and that by turning that gift and opportunity down, I am spiting myself, spiting the physical body and spiting all as myself in taking the liberty to create, but not to take responsibility for the manifested consequences of my creation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it necessary for myself to manifest consequences such as the experience of a headache, simply because there was a moment and a moment upon a moment as a chain of consequences, where I refused to be self-honest, where I did not slow down and direct myself, where I brushed off and suppressed what I was experiencing, instead of simply stopping up – seeing what is here and what I am accepting and allowing and accordingly correct and align myself to what is best for all
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame myself and feel and experience guilt when I experience the manifested consequences of who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as – as physical pain in my human physical body
As such: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the manifested consequence of pain experience personally within believing that I am experiencing pain because I have done something wrong and because I am bad and feel guilty for having accepted and allowed myself to make the body suffer simply because I have refused to take self-responsibility and direct myself – exactly as I feel guilty that animals and children and the earth is being abused knowingly that it is who I am that is the origin point
Within this – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, understand or admit to myself in self-honesty within bringing to my awareness that what happens when I feel guilty/bad/judge myself? I stay there. I stay in that experience and beat myself up about it and voila don’t ever actually get to the point of realizing myself or correcting or aligning myself because I hold myself firmly within the point of taking it personally
As such: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to NOT ONCE AND FOR ALL bring to my awareness, in every moment of every breath as a total and complete certainty of understanding that feeling bad is a deception that I have created and designed deliberately to deceive myself into not realizing or correcting myself – and as such I can see without a shadow of a doubt that every time I feel bad about something, it is deceptive and redundant and useless UNLESS I act accordingly within and as correcting my living participation and application
SO that when I oversleep and I start feeling bad about it as in guilty/judgment/shame/blame/embarrassment I know to STOP because it is a deception – I am busy deceiving myself into in fact carry on with my abusive nature, through creating a reversed belief that by “feeling bad I am doing good”
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that “I don’t know” why I am getting a headache – when in fact, I am the one that is here, I am creating the headache and I was here in the moment of being self-dishonest with and within myself through which I manifested the headache, so claiming that “I don’t know” is an excuse and a character I assume for myself when I don’t want to face myself within and as a particular point
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I get a headache simply leave it to “sort itself out” and simply “wait for it to pass” – not seeing, realizing, understanding OR admitting to myself in self-honesty that since the head ache is a manifestation in, of and as me, I am within making the living statements of leaving the headache to “sort itself out” and simply “wait for it to pass” – in fact postponing directing myself within and as the point through which I manifested the headache in the first place and as such are “waiting” for myself to face myself and abdicating my self-responsibility through separating myself from what I experience and accept and allow within and as me, in simply pushing the point/experience away and not giving myself the opportunity to and taking the responsibility of sorting myself out through self-directed writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and assume for myself a “waking up” character based in, on and as resistance towards facing myself and walking WITH myself in directing myself to change, that I have participated in extensively so that I automatically assume this character for myself whenever I wake up in the morning
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not as soon as it was clear to me that I had created a character within waking up (of feeling like shit, not wanting to face myself and then deliberately sabotage myself into over-sleeping within making excuses and justifications and participate in backchat) – to stop and direct myself and investigate why I experience resistance towards facing myself and so correct myself within and as the point of waking up
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and participate within and as a time (stupidity) loop in and through which I have created a “waking up” character for myself that I, instead of facing myself within and as and stepping out of through directing myself in writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application, have accepted and allowed to accumulate and as such solidify myself into and as this character
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for having accepted and allowed myself to create and assume for myself a “waking up” character and instead having accepted and allowed myself to simply give myself in and over to it – within and as in fact having accepted and allowed myself to wait for myself to change and correct myself, exactly as I have done with the headaches
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire chain of consequences and characters that I assume for myself, that starts with me facing myself within and as a point that I experience fear of facing myself within and as and in that moment make an automated decision to NOT face myself and justify that within and as myself through backchat, where I make it so that I don’t even notice what I am accepting and allowing, because I deliberately preoccupy myself with what I am busy working on, suppressing myself and are NOT here breathing and so from there sets into motion the entire chain/loop of consequences, where I suppress myself and hide from myself and then goes to sleep believing that tomorrow will change by itself and then when I wake up I feel guilty and judge myself as though I have a ton of burdens on my shoulders which is obviously all the points I have suppressed the day before and the day before that and so within judging myself for over sleeping, create yet another “burden” that I’d then have to suppress – which eventually has manifested into the consequence of a headache.
In my next post I will prescribe self-corrective/self-commitment statements for myself.
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