July 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Tomorrow it is Maya Harel‘s and other Destonians day 100 of writing the Journeys to Life blogs. For 100 days they have been writing in the commitment to change and stand up for what is best for all. It is not a competition to the finish – because we’re all walking together, blog by blog, breath by breath. In conjunction with sharing a point I realized through reading Maya’s blog, I’d like to make a shout out here to Maya and the entire group who are walking the Journey to Life blogs – as we support each other through reading and writing these blogs and slowly but surely, blog by blog build a body of support that will support everyone that reads it and listens to it.
So, the last couple of days I have been reading Maya Harel’s journey to life blogs on the self-diminishment character.
As I was reading the first blog I was faced with/facing myself in and as this character within and as myself and I had an opportunity to see for myself how the script of the character is playing out. So what I will be doing in this blog is utilize the structure that Maya laid out for how the self-diminishment character is constructed, to walk myself through the experience I faced, so that I can release, delete and step out of this character – and step out of it. What has been so cool about reading the 7 year Journey to Life blogs is that as I was reading Maya’s blogs – I had a direct opportunity to face myself within and as it, but even more so, through seeing how the character is constructed so clearly, as I was facing it, I could not deny that it was exactly what I was participating within and experiencing myself in, as and through. First, I merely saw the character and could confirm for myself that it is as Maya described it, but eventually I actually went into a complete ‘round’ of possession within how I have designed and constructed the self-diminishment character for myself with my specific ‘twist’ on it. So the way that the character is played out that I have seen, through reading Maya’s blog and through looking at it for myself is that it plays out as follows:
It starts with the competition character, but even before that it starts with a belief/idea about self and about the world and before that with a starting-point of acceptance and separation. From there I see how I’ve gone into the comparison character through back-chat in seeing others as better than me and thus myself as worse than them. From there I have then gone into an inferiority character in declaring a winner and a loser from the competition-game based on the comparison mechanism as the method of ‘settling the score’. From there I have gone into validation and confirmation for myself through backchat about my experience and belief as being ‘real’ and really depicting what the situation is. Then from there I’ve assumed the jealousy character and in general search for characters, through which I can regain status in my mind by discrediting the other person. As I was walking through this character while participating within and as it, I noticed that the next step was that I would experience and participate in and as spite and blame, not towards a particular person or the persons I was comparing myself to, but to a ‘general other’ or ‘them’ as ‘the group’ or ‘the world’. Similar to the experience one can have within experiencing that “my life is so unfair”. I have investigated this pattern/behavior before (before I read about the self-diminishment character in Maya’s blog) – but I had not so clearly seen this point of spite and blame.
Because I have usually perceived myself in a positive sense as ‘being a victim’. But within reading Maya’s blog, I was able to see the deliberateness of the character and the self-responsibility and self-interest of the character. The backchat within this stage is something like “it’s unfair.”, “they did it to me” where I justify the position I have taken for myself of inferiority as real and certainly NOT as my creation or responsibility. I can also see how I would mask my blame and spite by not directing it directly towards the person or if I would do so, it would be somewhat subtle, more than I would go and actually think in my mind: “oh he thinks he’s so clever” or something. So I have developed a form of blame and spite that is not conspicuous to me – lol – (as the other) and as such I have hidden it from myself.
Basically through these stages, I then solidify the self-diminishment character for and within myself more and more through these various strategies. From the blame/spite character, I go directly into self-pity and once I reach this stage, I am already in full possession. What that means is that my entire body experience has changed, I feel heavy, my entire face feels heavy and my general experience of myself is apathetic and depressed, like I am buzzing and drawing myself into myself. What then happens is that I start acting according to the experiences/backchat/reactions/thoughts – accepting that “I am not good enough, I am fucked up because I am not like the people I compare myself to… so therefore: it is their fault and I might as well give up” OR I instead fight for placing myself in a position of superiority. So the next stage is the entire play-out of giving up, where I sort of say “fuck this”. It basically feels like I’ve lost my status, that I have lost everything and so the only two strategies I see available to somehow ‘win’ – is to either give up and within that sort of take revenge by saying: “see what, you were right, I am not good enough.” OR I will say to myself (which usually only happens after the entire cycle has played out), that: “okay, I got to pull myself together now!” and then I will experience an increase in energy and generate a positive energetic experience through which I try to prove myself worthy again, built up my “reputation” or “status”… until the next ‘crash’.
So – reading Maya’s blogs in conjunction with actually playing out this character for myself, has given me a really cool opportunity to face myself within and as this character, walk through it, stand up from it and STOP playing out the cycle before it gets to the point where I am completely possessed and harm myself and abuse myself in a delusional attempt to regain status in my own mind.
What I see, is that the self-diminishment character is who and what I have already accepted myself as and that it is as such laying latent ready to be activated whenever I am faced with a situation where I am faced with someone that I see as better than me – or even that part is PART of the play-out, so that the self-diminishment character, which is really between oneself and oneself in one’s own relationship with self, can only operate and function and play out itself as a role, if there are other parts/characters to play up against, which will then either or both be projected onto other people or simply played out in the mind towards projections of people – lol – which is one and the same, just only one is three dimensional. The basis of this character is comparison through competition. When I started looking at this, I could see that competition is not where it starts. It might be where each individual play-off/game/scene of the character starts, but before that is even the acceptance of competition as being real, legitimate and valid. So this means that I in fact constantly exist within and as this character-system and that it can activate at any point, because I have already accepted myself in and as this character-system based on an idea and belief of who and what I am and who others are and what the world is – competition because we are separate – while in fact it is me who’s accepted myself as separate. But it is also a self-delusion of building up a status in my own mind, about who I am, that is then threatened when someone is that in fact and I am faced with the reality that I am not that. Lol – this means that my self-delusion is threatened.
So reading these journey to life blogs are fantastic as a support, where we, through the realizations that another has walked through, can assist and support ourselves to see how we ourselves have lived out and participated in specific characters, personalities and patterns. Though it is not that I can simply now take the realizations that Maya has seen for herself and superimpose them onto myself, because I got to live the change for, as and within myself. But the writings of another CAN support us to see how the patterns/characters/personalities play out and so that we can immediately apply self-forgiveness and move ourselves to the correction and stepping out of the particular characters.
Here’s a video I did in conjunction with this blog where I expand on the points mentioned here:
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