July 11, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am here beginning to investigate a character that I’ve for now called “I want to be Good… but it feels so Good to be Bad”. I was listening to an interview by Anu called “The Human Picture” and one of the points that he mentioned in this interview is how whatever we want is exactly what we don’t get, because within wanting it, we’re making the living statement that we don’t already have it or that we not are it already. This point is one I have been looking at writing out for quite some time, because it is a constant and daily point wherein I sabotage myself in the dichotomy of experiencing a good feeling in ‘being bad’ and subsequently feel bad, because I want to be ‘good’. So what is indicated here is a want that is morally founded based on the belief that it is ‘good/necessary/required’ to be good and wanting to feel/experience ‘good’ through acting against that which I ‘know’ is ‘good’. So there is a conflicting definition of ‘good’ where ‘good’ is that which makes me feel ‘good’ and ‘good’ as that which I believe/think is ‘good’ as an idea about what ‘good’ is. Similarly there is a conflicting definition of ‘bad’ where ‘bad’ on one side ‘feels good’ (because it IS bad) and where I on the other side feel guilty and judge/blame/are ashamed for both ‘doing bad’ and for ‘feeling good’ about ‘being bad’. The reason why I am writing this point out as such, is because it is a primary construct/character within my life-experience and I’ve not yet established for myself clearly the time line. I have many times written about points that are related to this, such as the “Christian Character” with the dichotomy of sinner/saint and also in how I see this similar point in my mother’s personality. So I am here making the decision to walk through this character and release myself from the energetic relationship I have created towards it and as it, wherein and through which I’ve held myself captive – because when I look at my daily participation, it is clear that I am severely limiting myself through participation in this character, either through worrying about and being ashamed as well as feeling guilty and judging myself for ‘being bad’ or through deliberately ‘doing bad’ because ‘it feels good’ – this is the primary pattern, whereas the ‘want to be good’ is exactly as Anu describes it in his interview that I mentioned above, future related. I’ve for periods of time managed to live in what I’ve in my mind defined as ‘good’ and ‘pure’ and ‘clean’ only to ‘collapse/crash’ within and as this application to return to this character of polarity/polarization. When I manage to ‘be good’ according to what ‘good’ is in my mind, I ‘feel good’ about myself, like I am cleansing myself from dirt – but I can see that this application has not been real, because otherwise I’ve would’ve stuck to it – and that it is thus again another character that requires energy to be sustained because it is essentially not real and thus can only last so long before the energy runs out, only to be refueled through the inner conflict I manifest through swinging from polarity to polarity. As mentioned, I can see this exact pattern in my mother as well, but as the previous posts has revealed, I obviously cannot blame the creation or origin of this character on my mother. So I’ll have to investigate my own memories to get to the bottom of this. There is a clear energetic signature attached to this character, where I react to the words “good” and “bad” but what is interesting is that the reaction is exactly the same polarization, which goes to show that all energy is the same. Good and bad is a religious construct that acts like a cross, through which we com-part-mentalize ourselves, where that which has been defined as ‘bad’ are tabooed and as such given energy through ‘negative attention’ whereas that which has been defined as ‘good’ is given energy through positive attention, with the specific purpose of keeping the bad away, like the light fending off the dark. Not realizing that it was dark to begin with and it will be dark, when the light is put out. In this interview by Sunette Spies, it is described how the “Good/Evil” polarity was created a system of regulation of behavior. I can see how this particular system is one of the primary points of enslavement and limitation – but also self-deception within and as my life-experience. In the interview Sunette also say that the mind does not really care about “Good/Evil” as all the mind cares about it energy. In this some beings will become addicted to negative energy – such as me having defined, experienced, perceived and accepted myself as an evil person – within this, I’ve become addicted to negative energetic experiences as I described in this blog. This is why this is a ‘problem’: Because I have in my mind created definitions of what is bad and in this included “that which is not best for all”. I have, through my mind, equated “Best for all” = (morally) good and “Not best for all” = (morally bad) but because I at the same time, have allowed myself to become addicted to feeling good (and bad and thus generate energy through inner conflict and friction). I have in my mind not distinguished between ‘morally bad’ which is an illusion and a delusion and “not best for all” which is simply a practical – and unacceptable – consequence of who and what I allow myself to be. Therefore, I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and have compromised the decision to stand up for what is best for all because I have interpreted “best for all” within and as the mind’s definition of “Good/Evil (bad)”. It is interesting how “bad” is equated with evil, because for example a piece of fruit can be “good” or “bad” in its physical manifestation of for example either being ripe or being too old and no one would consider an “bad apple” as “evil”, but if we take a look at the expression “bad apple” in defining human beings, it is exactly what it is referring to. I realize that I have never been morally good in fact, but I have refused to admit this to myself because I have created a self-image of benevolence of who and what I WANTED to be and what I THOUGHT and BELIEVED that I SHOULD BE.
The most of my childhood I did not experience the wanting to be good in fact. I can see that the desire/want/need to be good emerged as a point that I strategically assumed upon myself. For years I did not feel guilty when I did ‘bad’ things. But I did know that it was ‘bad’, but I did not understand ‘bad’ as something in relation to myself, but I did understand that it was considered ‘bad’. So what did happen was that I started wondering what was wrong with me and I can see (but I do not yet clearly remember) that I deliberately made myself feel guilty to be normal. I accepted that I had to adjust myself to fit into the system. I can see a clear definition in how I’ve perceived ‘bad’ equated with ‘free’ and this is a definition that my mother clearly has experienced as well. She grew up in a strict religious home and found freedom in ‘being bad’ specifically through having sex. I then overtook that character for myself. The desire to be good come later in my life-experience and particularly when I ‘realized’ that I was in fact ‘bad’ and began to believe that there was something wrong with me. I realized something as I’ve been looking at this point in seeing that what is deemed as ‘Bad’ in the/my world are points such as greed, selfishness, vanity sex, being lazy lying and being mean to others. ‘Good’ are then opposite polarities of being kind to others, being selfless and generous, being hardworking. So when looking at how we live and exist, we are in fact living as ‘bad’. The entire world-system is built on people being greedy and selfish and vain – sex is a major point and we’re lying in our every moment of participation. So what we’ve done with the “Good/Bad” polarities, is to take that which we already are, that which our human nature and the world-system is built upon and have demonized it, made it ‘Bad’ and ‘Evil’ and thus suppressed it and everyone is hiding those sides of themselves and instead present themselves as ‘Good’ – but this is a complete lie, as one cannot effectively live or participate in the system if one does not play by the system’s rules which calls for one being greedy for example. So fear of being ‘Bad’ is actually fear of facing oneself in self-honesty and remove the deception of one’s apparent ‘Goodness’. So that is obviously also why it feels good to be bad and why I’ve associated and equated ‘Bad’ with ‘Free’. How I remember it from when I was a child, I did not understand or agree with those things that were presented as ‘Good’ such as being quiet, sleeping and not eating candy. Most of my early childhood I would in fact runs around naked in the summer and I clearly remember how, when I started growing breasts that I started becoming self-conscious. I am quite sure someone said something about me being naked and it being inappropriate, though at the moment I cannot recall the exact memory. I see that my experience of ‘feeling good’ in ‘doing bad’ has to do with ‘Bad’ thus being ‘less of a lie’ within seeing how being good was a total lie, but obviously ‘bad’ as I understood it, is a lie as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire to be good within and as a starting-point of seeing, defining, perceiving, experiencing and accepting myself as NOT good – as bad and evil. I see, realize and understand that my desire to be good is based on my acceptance of myself as bad/evil and my acceptance of myself as NOT good –I commit myself to question and investigate for myself whether good/bad/evil is even real and if not, to investigate and support myself to understand how and why I have created the polarities of good/bad/evil and what the consequences of this creation is and has been
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that goodness exist in the world and that I am supposed to be good in seeing, believing and perceiving that others are good – not seeing, realizing or understanding that goodness does not exist in the world as if it did, the world would look completely different and thus what I am desiring to become and that I believe exists, is in fact an illusion and a delusion because I’ve believed it to be real and a point of deception in me, as all, having deceived myself into believing that good exists and as such have accepted and allowed myself to deny what is here in and as this world. I see, realize and understand that goodness does not exist in the world, because if it did, the world would be entirely different and as such I see, realize and understand that I have been desiring an illusion and a delusion in fact because I’ve believed it to be real and I see, realize and understand that I’ve deceived myself in creating a belief that goodness in fact exist in the world and as such have covered up and denied for myself what is actually here in and as this world as the atrocities and abuse I as we as humanity have accepted and allowed ourselves to create, manifest and participate within and as, through our separation from and of ourselves and our abdication of ourselves to the mind. I commit myself to, when and as I experience a want/need/desire to ‘be good’ to stop as I realize that good as I have perceived and defined it in and through my mind, does not exist.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight within and as myself to ‘be good’ and to believe that if I just try hard enough and push away ‘the bad’ I will be able to ‘be good’ constantly and continuously thinking about ‘how to be good’ and that ‘I should be good’ – not seeing, realizing or understanding that within wanting, needing and desiring to be good I am indicating to myself and making the living statement that I am not already good and coming from a starting-point of already believing, perceiving, experiencing and accepting myself as bad/evil, not seeing, realizing and understanding that because this is my starting-point of ‘who I am’ as who and what I have already accepted myself as, I cannot ever be good no matter how hard I try and no matter how much I attempt to push away ‘the bad’ and as such I create, manifest and participate in and as a constant inner conflict – I commit myself to stop fighting to be good and fighting off that which I’ve perceived, defined, experienced and accepted as bad because I see, realize and understand that this is pointless and that all I do through accepting and allowing this fight within and as myself is to create an inner conflict through which I generate energy for the mind to feed off of and I see, realize and understand that that the purpose of this inner conflict and the polarity between good and bad as a fight within and as me, is manifested specifically with the purpose of generate energy for the mind to sustain itself and I see, realize and understand that participating in ‘good/bad/evil’ has not had any practical function or support for me to stand up for what is best for all life – therefore I see, realize and understand that further participation in ‘good/bad/evil’ is redundant, deceptive and abusive and as such I commit myself to stop. Practically this means that I commit myself to identifying exactly when and how it is I accept and allow myself to participate in the polarity of ‘good/bad/evil’, so that I can flag these moments for myself and immediately stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am NOT good and that there is something wrong with me because I am not good, specifically within and as believing that good exists in the world, when in fact good is an illusion and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the illusion of goodness and within me NOT being good, have accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept myself as evil – not seeing, realizing or understanding that my belief and acceptance of myself as being NOT good, is specifically based on my belief that I am supposed to be good, that I should be good and that everyone else is good and that there is something wrong with me because I am not, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am merely seeing who and what I’ve accepted and allowed myself to be and become and in separating myself into polarities of ‘good/evil/bad’ I have controlled myself as well as generated energy for the mind to feed off of through me accepting and allowing myself to create an inner conflict towards fighting evil to be good inside myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good as a positive energetic experience when I do something that I have defined, seen, perceived and experienced as ‘bad’ specifically because it is ’bad’ within and as defining ‘bad’ as ‘free’ as in ‘free from responsibility’ and ‘free from authority’ specifically in opposition to that which I have defined as ‘good’ as that which I believe that I should be and do
(to be continued)
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