July 2, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
The last couple of days I have experiencing myself ’low’ – depressed, sad, angry, ashamed self-judging. As I was about to sleep last night I allowed myself to experience the feeling and how I was experiencing myself inside. I realized that the intense negative experience I was experiencing was actually something I was ‘enjoying’. I would not have seen this if I had not read Heavens Journey to Life and listened to this interview by Sunette spies. As I looked within me I could see how I, or a part of me was somehow ‘enjoying’ the experience of emotional pain as the negative energetic experience. This defies how I have seen the point of having negative experiences. I would have said: “hell no! Of course I don’t want to experience guilt or self-judgment or shame!” – Yet I do, very often to the point where it is quite clear that I’ve become addicted to negative emotional experiences. Furthermore I have created the experiences myself, I have identified them in and as myself as real, relevant and valid, I have accumulated them through constant and continuous participation in and as them, ‘nurturing’ them and giving them attention. So obviously I cannot say that they’re simply ‘there’ or that they are coming into me or that ‘it just happens’ – even though I have. So a part of me has become addicted, exactly as people become addicted to heroin or drinking – to negative emotional experiences. A part of me feels good from creating and participating in these experiences. It is quite astounding – however through listening to Sunette’s interview and through reading the Heaven’s Journey to Life Blogs, I have come to see that it does not matter if the energy experienced is positive or negative. It is exactly the same. It all leads and ends the same place: energy fuelled for the mind to regenerate itself through sucking the life out of the physical body.
So the character that I will write out in today’s writing is the character that is addicted to negative energy experiences where I as the character create thoughts as the script for the ‘play’ I play out inside my body of emotional experiences, all with the purpose of fueling the mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I, as a part of myself, within and as myself, have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest myself into and as a character that ‘enjoys’ experiencing negative emotional energetic experiences and that I on top of that have created a character through which I experience that the negative emotional energetic experiences as something that ‘happens to’ me and that I believe that I would rather be without and towards which I experience myself as a victim and a subject who have no control or direction over myself and in which I completely and totally have forgotten that it was I who created the negative emotional experiences to begin with and that I in fact – as the mind – experience the negative emotional experiences as ‘nurturing’ me as the mind all the while I am in fact depleting myself of life in and as the physical
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand as well as remember and admit to myself that I am the origin, creator and starting-point of and as my negative emotional experiences and that I have created them through my abdication of and separation of and as myself into and as the mind where the mind requires to feed of the energy as physical substance as my human physical body to survive and because I have separated myself into and as the mind and thus have accepted myself as the mind only, I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to energetic experiences as that with which I fuel myself in and as the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a character in and through which I identify myself with, within and as the emotions that I experience within and as myself and as such in experiencing and identifying the emotions as real because they are ‘me’ not seeing realizing or understanding that I created the emotions and identified myself in and as them as a ‘character’ as a part of and as myself that I had separated myself into and as specifically with the purpose of regenerating myself as the mind through the energy that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to generate through my human physical body in my acceptance of the emotional experiences as real and really portraying who and what I am
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the “I” and “me” that I experience, perceive, identify, define and accept myself as when and as I accept and allow myself to participate in emotional energetic experiences, is nothing but a character that I have assumed and accepted as myself and because I have accepted and allowed myself to accept this character as ‘who I really am’ I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate emotional and energetic experiences over and over through my direct participation and acceptance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a character that derives pleasure from depleting the physical from substance transformed into energy through, as and within the mind as who and what I have accepted myself as, in the perception, belief experience and acceptance that I am nurturing myself, not seeing, realizing or understanding that what I am nurturing is only my own self-separation and self-annihilation through which I am literally killing myself as I accept and allow myself to deplete myself from life through accepting and allowing myself to generate energy through my participation in and as emotions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define and accept myself ‘emotional’ and as ‘an emotional person’ and within and as that acceptance and self-definition create myself as a character as ‘emotional’ and through and within that bind myself and commit myself to this self-definition and acceptance of myself and through and within that have accepted and allowed myself to consolidate for myself and for others as myself that being emotional is simply ‘who I am’ and as such justify the emotional experiences as real and as who I am – and thereby seal myself into and as submission so that every time an emotion emerges, I simply ‘slip’ into it and become it and become completely consumed by it – because I have already accepted it as ‘who I am’ and therefore do not question whether or not it is real or how or why I created it in the first place and even defend it because of the acceptance that the emotional experience is ‘who I am’ and thereby and within that fear losing myself if I were to not accept or allow myself to continue accepting myself as ‘the character that experiences emotions and that is emotional’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand the simplicity within the fact that emotions are not who I am, as emotions are an experience and who I am is here and therefore experiencing myself in and as emotions can only be ‘who I am’ in and as separation from and of myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand how I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through and with and within thoughts to deliberately make myself react through and within accepting the thoughts as depicting my character as ‘who I am’ and in accepting myself as a character within and as defining myself according to the specific thought
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when a thought emerges from, within and as my mind, immediately define and identify the content of the thought as real and as really depicting my character as ‘who I am’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that each and every thought is a character that I have accepted as ‘who I am’ and as soon as I accept and allow myself to participate in the thought, I have accepted and allowed myself to start a snowball effect through which I soon enough experience emotions through which I accept and allow myself to generate energy for the mind
(To be continued.)
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