June 25, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Before I continue with the origins of my anger, I will write about a point that opened up last night. For the context of the topic of this blog, I’ll share what happened yesterday. My one cat disappeared. Now, I have been extremely – overly – cautious with letting my cats out of the house. I have found no supportive information and so I have used my own common sense combined with an extensive amount of fear in how I dealt with the point of the cats going out. So for the first 6 months I walked with them (occasionally my partner would do it as well) every day for one hour. When the winter came they stopped wanting to go out. Now they have finally become comfortable with walking by themselves, where for months they would either refuse to go out, basically through jumping into the apartment again and hiding or they would sit outside the apartment house. So as they’ve started to go out by themselves, I’ve allowed them to be out for several hours, trying to figure out what is best for them. Obviously the best would be if they could decide for themselves through a cat door or an open window, but because we live on the 4. Floor this is the situation and together we have to make the best of it. The alternative is that they become indoor cats, which many cat lovers think is best as one risks much by allowing them to go out by themselves, of the most specific that they get hit by a car. In fact it is estimated that an indoor cat lives up to three times longer than an outgoing cat. Now, our male cat finally has become comfortable with being out by himself for long hours. Usually they come if I call them, but I suspect that he might have started exploring and expanding his territory. Last week, I then started to let them out after dark as well, where before they’ve only been allowed out during the day. I was too scared that they might get lost or hit by a car. They absolutely and completely loved it! So since then they’ve been very excited about going out at night. So last night I let them out at eleven at night as I were not feeling tired. I went out looking at one and again at one thirty. At two I started getting nervous. One cat had come back but the other did not come no matter how much I called. He has never done that before. So I went out again and started walking around the neighborhood. Now, he is completely black and was not wearing a collar because he’d thrown the last two collars and I had not been able to buy one for a couple of days. So I was getting more and more worried that something had happened to him that he was dead somewhere or dying and that no one would know to call us because he was not wearing a collar. I feared that he had gotten hit by a car and I blamed myself for not having kept the cats inside until I was able to get another collar. Eventually I was worked up and I had to apply self-forgiveness and breathe through the experience.
Many points came up as I walked there; images of cheeky on the side of the road, dying all alone. And I could see that my reaction was revealing that I have created an emotionally relationship towards the cats, I saw him as special and I saw his possible death as special. And so I had to apply forgiveness on not seeing any other being’s death at all or would do anything to help them, like I wanted to help Cheeky now. I also realized how grateful I in fact am that he is here and for his beingness, not as a cat or an animal but as a being that it is in my world and whose expression I enjoy very much. I looked for him for quite a while and as I walked back home to the apartment building, he was suddenly there. After I came back I started looking at the entire point and how my experiences ties together with a particular point of judgment that I have been wanting to write about for quite a while: the judgment of (other) animal lovers.
This judgment has been prominent for a very long time and the self-forgiveness I have applied on it out loud has not assisted me in stopping the judgments, so I definitely see that this is a point I have not effectively brought back to myself. So the judgment basically comes up every time I see someone walking their dog. The exceptions are people who are clearly attentive to their dogs and who clearly enjoy and respect the dogs. Most people though (according to my judgment) are pulling their dogs after them, not allowing the dog to sniff or waiting for them in patience to take a shit. So the backchat that is going on in mind during seeing people walking their dog is: “how dare they call themselves animal lovers, when they treat their dog like this and don’t even allow them to take shit!?”, “how selfish and diluted people are in wanting a dog and then not wanting to take care of it!!” And I experience a feeling that I can best describe as ‘heartache’ for the dogs, dogs who simply wants to be able to sniff and roll around and run and meet other dogs and take fucking shit in their own good time. And so one part of it is that I get angry at people for what I perceive as them abusing their dogs and more specifically that it is even worse because these are supposed to be animal lovers – that they are diluting themselves in believing that they are animal lovers and then don’t even care about the animal and it’s needs but only about themselves. And then I think that I would be much better at taking care of the dog or that they should give their dog to me and I see myself as a much better animal caretaker than them. So when I combine these two points: my fear of losing my cats and my extreme approach to doing what is best for them, which means that I am willing to compromise myself and that I have often made mistakes in for example being very cautious with them. I have such an extensive fear towards not being a good caretaker to the cats. I actually realize something just now that I had not seen in relation to this point. When I was a child I was a bad caretaker of animals or at least that’s how I’ve judged myself. I had a rabbit called licorice that we ended up having to give away because I did not effectively take care of it. I have had to leave three cats because I was not able to take them with me and because they were better off in the house I was living in as I often had to move and lived in crappy small apartments. And taking care of an animal has been a constant dream of mine. When I was around four, I deliberately kicked a bee. It died and I felt extremely guilty afterwards because of my own aggression. Many dreams I have are about animals and they represent to me innocence – almost the only thing that is good in this world. So it is quite clear that my projection towards dog-walkers is my own judgment towards myself, my own inner polarized relationship within and as myself about being ‘good’ and a ‘bad’ animal lover, about what animals represent within and as me. As frequent as I experience this judgment and as much it preoccupies me during the day and during the nights in my dreams, it is quite significant. So how am I a self-interested animal lover? The first point that comes up is within how I see myself as responsible for them, like I am the god of animals – while most often I have absolutely no knowledge about what is best for animals and as most humans I look down upon animals and pets in particular, though disguising this from myself through my apparent ‘love’ and ‘care’ for animals. I am a self-interested animal lover because I enjoy what they ‘do to’ me in how I experience myself when I am with them. I am self-interested in how I worry about how it will be reflected back to me if I don’t effectively take responsibility for the cats. I judge dog walkers as arrogant in their belief that they love animals, while in fact they are abusing and compromising them just because they don’t want to take a walk that is long enough for the dog to slowly sniff around and take its shit. And so with my cats I do the opposite; I constantly watch them and their behavior and how they seem try to figure out what they want and what is best for them. And I research the best food, the best litter, the best toys again and again and again and cross-reference all the information. So I do whatever I have to, to not be like the dog walkers I see. In fact I am terrified of it.
And so if I bring these points back to myself, the cats are representing a part of myself that I have separated myself from and as such have created a relationship towards in the manifestation of the cats to regain myself as that which I have separated myself from. The dog walkers represent both my own judgment of myself and fear of being a bad animal care taker as well as my fear of being a bad human being, but it also represents my own self-interest towards animals and in general. In my next post, I will post my self-forgiveness on these points that’s come up in this writing.
Thanks for reading!
More Readings on the Relationship between Humans and Animals:
Life-Review: A Cat Lover: http://eqafe.com/p/life-review-a-cat-lover
SUNETTESPIES: ANIMALS TALKING TO ME: http://sunettespies-sunettespies.blogspot.com/
Steve Irwin – Evolution of the animal kingdom: http://desteni.org/a/steve-irwin-evolution-of-the-animal-kingdom
Practically Living with Animals at the Desteni Farm: http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2011/03/practically-living-with-animals-at.html
Birds and Freedom: http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2011/05/birds-and-freedom.html
Creation’s Journey to Life Blogs:
Other Journey to Life Blogs on Animals:
Day 31 – It’s Just an Animal: http://agirlsjourneytolife.wordpress.com/2012/06/24/day-31-its-just-an-animal/
Day 45: Can we “Own” an Animal ? : http://adirectorjourneystolife.blogspot.com/2012/05/day-45-can-we-own-animal.html
Day 31: Abandoned Animals: http://cathy4worldequality.wordpress.com/2012/05/17/day-31-abandoned-animals/
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