June 24, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Here I am investigating the origin of automated patterns of anger as fear of not surviving in social situations that began in my childhood.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to burst into anger automatically without any form of self-direction, in moments where I am communicating with another that I am in a relationship with and I experience myself powerless or cornered or don’t know what to do to direct the situation effectively within and as having accepted and allowed myself to develop an automated pattern where I have used anger as a self-defense, survival mechanism and tactic as a way to regain my power over myself as control over situation that I perceive myself as having lost in my inability to effectively direct the situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop this pattern of bursting out in anger, from when I started communicating with other human beings and saw how other human beings were communicating with each other and when I was in kindergarten where I would experience, define and participate within and as interaction with the other children as a constant struggle and fight, where I experienced that I had to ‘stay on my toes’ and constantly be alert and on guard, within and as perceiving the interaction as ‘deadly serious’ and within and as not fully understanding how to effectively interact in a way that would secure my social position, something I perceived to be of the utmost importance as though my very survival depended upon it – and through this accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must be ‘fierce’ and ‘tough’ and ‘brutal’ in my interaction with others in a perception, belief and experience of that this was how others were – that they were strong and knew exactly what was going on and how to behave, not seeing realizing or understanding that I was not actually seeing others in fact, as I was only seeing in and through my own experience, acceptance and definition of myself as inadequate and unable to effectively communicate in such a way that I would be popular with the other children and as such secure my social survival – and thereby my entire existence as I had accepted my existence as entirely limited to and within the point of survival through being able to function effectively in a social situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ever consider how I actually experienced myself when I was in kindergarten and how this experience of myself became ‘who I am’ throughout my entire life-experience as I unconditionally accepted both my experience of myself as real and the reasoning I experienced for my experience, of social survival being of the utmost importance for my existence here on earth and as such have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to a constant and continuous fear, that I then activate over and over again every time I am faced with a point of communication and interaction where I do not immediately see how to effectively direct myself or the situation, where I then burst out into anger, because that is what I have always done and is the only way I have found to control myself and the situation, when in fact me bursting out into anger is exactly the opposite of directing myself, as I have absolutely no control over myself as I am acting and speaking and expressing solely out of fear, where my entire body and self goes into an experience of emergency where I believe I must defend myself at all costs
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come into this world with trust in the world and self-trust in myself and my human physical body for then to, as soon as I started interacting and communicating with others and saw how they communicated with each other and interacted with each other went into a complete state of fear and alertness where I, from that moment on made myself be on guard at all times in an experience, belief and acceptance of the world as being a scary place, where I must fight to survive and where I must navigate through a social landscape that is entirely unpredictable and deceptive and manipulative and where I can only survive if I know the rules about who plays with who and why and what games are cool to play and what are not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my experience of fear and anxiety I perceiving and experiencing myself as weak because I experience fear and as such present myself as strong and knowledgeable and combative in a perception, belief and experience that such a stance is required and necessary for me to survive socially and thus in general and as such have accepted and allowed myself to push my actual experience away and down, in perceiving myself as how I actually experience myself as a threat to my own survival, thus not ever accepting or allowing myself to face myself or embrace myself as I actually experience myself and thereby get to know myself and question whether my fear is real and develop self-trust instead of placing all my trust and self-worth in and on my relationship with others, thus making myself completely dependent upon my ability to function effectively in social settings
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to fear of not surviving and to have projected this fear of not surviving into and onto my social life as that what was I perceiving and believed to be my primary point of survival, as I already had my physical needs covered somewhat consistently and was taken care of by others, whereas I, in kindergarten and in school experienced myself alone in the world without any protection or guidance, where I experienced myself in a ‘dog-eat-dog’ world where I had to survive at all costs and find a way to be liked and respected by other children and adults
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience, perceive, define and accept communication and interaction basically being founded in fighting, suspicion, danger and combat where I as soon as I enter into interaction with others, experience, make and accept myself stressed and tense and on guard, specifically within and as experiencing fear when I don’t understand words or meanings or social rules of conduct and to within such situations immediately go into a ‘fight or flight’ mode where I either suppress myself, victimize myself or become angry and aggressive as a self-defense mechanism within and as perceiving myself to be threatened, in believing that the other has control over the situation and I do not – not considering, realizing or understanding that they probably experience exactly the same yet put up a front exactly as I do and suppress their actual experience of themselves, equally as I, in an acceptance of the world and other people as unsafe, dangerous and deceptive
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and allow myself and to make my childhood survival skills that I developed out of fear and out of simply following what everyone else did, without for a moment considering for myself whether they were real or not, whether they were required or not – to a full-blown automated system that I have developed ever since and perfected to the point where I immediately as I, as the mind-consciousness-system I have accepted myself as, activate in moments where I experience a loss of power, authority, control or where I simply don’t understand the words spoken by another or where I experience myself unable to direct myself effectively and fear that the other is deceiving me or manipulating me and where I don’t understand the rules to the game – and as such go into ‘fight or flight’ mode or self-victimization as a way of regaining control and power and authority over myself, but where I in fact do the exact opposite in that I have already given into fear and am acting only to comply with my fear
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(To be continued)