June 15, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
I am sharing here a point of resistance to change as experienced specifically through resistance to sitting oneself down to write oneself out and all multitude of excuses and justifications that the mind will use for self to not have to sit down and write – and in fact change and how one can support oneself to walk through the resistance and in fact sit oneself down to write. For quite a while I experienced a resistance towards writing. I experienced it both as a direct resistance, where I simply did not want to sit down and write and later as an indirect resistance, almost as a deficiency, that I simply couldn’t sit down and write. I believed that I was unable to write and at some point even that I had lost the ability to write. Whenever I would sit down to write, I would feel immensely scattered and unfocused within myself. I would write three lines or half a page and then I would experience that there was no use, that my writing sucked and that I was not realizing anything important about myself. So I would give in and give up. Others might experience that they don’t know what to write about or that they don’t have time – which is a similar point of resistance. What this is, is the mind coming up with excuses and justifications to not sit down and write, because ‘it’ – as who and what we’ve become in and as the mind, in and as separation from ourselves here – knows that if we sit down and write ourselves out – we WILL face ourselves – we WILL change. (Or at least that the possibility for change is possible). The mind has then got all kinds of defense-systems in place, where anything where we might risk realizing ourselves and start walking out of the mind will be perceived as a threat, similar to how Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator movies will see a threat in his robotic eyes and eliminate it. I still sometimes or experience a resistance towards writing. Most often I will experience it through experiencing that I have something more important to do – that is a very sneaky defense-mechanism and one of the very effective ones, like feeling tired because it seems logical and justified – however when taking a closer look, one then never gets around to actually writing, because the mind can always come up with something that is more important. Others again might experience that they’ve got ‘too much going on inside’ themselves to be able to effectively write themselves out. It is the same thing though: a defense-mechanism that works because we let it and because we’ve convinced ourselves of its ‘righteousness’. (Maite wrote an awesome blog about this that I suggest reading for those facing these and such points.)
Finally I realized that there was no way around it – I simply had to START and DO IT. What I did to support myself was to structure my writings in utmost detail. I would write down a list of points that I saw to be prominent in my daily participation such as experiences, reoccurring thoughts or reactions and I would pick the one I saw as the most important or the most prominent and then I would write about that. I would then write as much as came up in the moment, half a page or four pages, did not matter. Then I would copy/paste that, so that I had two identical writings on top of each other in my document. From there I would go through the second copy and sentence for sentence I would apply self-forgiveness on all the points, deleting the sentence after I had written out the self-forgiveness statements, until I had walked through the entire writing and what was left was the first initial writing and all the self-forgiveness statements. From there I could then write self-corrective statements on how I would change according to the realizations that had come up through the self-forgiveness.
It has taken quite a lot of time – and most of all CONSISTENCY – before I became comfortable with writing again. Now – this applies both for someone like me, who’d been writing before and then stopped or someone who’s never really gotten into writing: it has to be trained, just like any other point of ‘exercise’ – it has to be practiced. The more we practice and the more consistently we practice writing, the easier it gets and the more we start flowing in our writing. There are technical elements in terms of how to write effectively in a way where one is not simply regurgitating the mind – such as writing out that one is angry and sad, but without actually directing oneself to a solution or to see self in common sense self-honesty. There is also a point to writing which is us getting to know ourselves, voicing ourselves through writing. It is similar to how one might not be comfortable with speaking or sharing oneself with others intimately – it takes some time to open up and establish a point of trust and an ‘open line of communication’.
What is important is to not give up immediately where we experience that ‘this is not working’ – because that is exactly complying with the mind’s want, need and desire – which is for us to remain in and as the mind, never changing, realizing ourselves or standing up.
Once we’ve pushed through the initial experience and no longer experience resistance towards writing, we can then start perfecting ourselves in writing and get to know ourselves. For me, I am still working with this point – of how to write myself out in such a way that my writings bear fruit of change. So that is the point I am still working with – how to actually change through utilizing writing as self-support. However before getting to that, one obviously has to establish the point of even sitting down to write. For those who’s been writing before, it can be easy and even more so if one is used to sharing oneself and opening up about what one is experiencing. However for others, sharing oneself and opening up and allowing oneself to be vulnerable, is not so easy at first and requires patience and self-directed self-support.
So I will apply self-forgiveness here on the point of resisting sitting down and writing and the excuses and justifications that can come up as support for those who might experience this and such points and as self-support for myself on the point of resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in an experience of resistance towards sitting down and writing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate in an experience of even before I sit down to write – anticipate how I will experience myself when I sit down and write within and as an experience of resistance, and thereby already before I sit down to write, have accepted and allowed myself to experience and participate within and as an experience of resistance towards writing
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I, within anticipating that I will resist writing when I sit down to write, am creating and accepting myself to experience and participate in an experience of resistance when I sit down to write – projecting an experience into the future and thus creating that future for myself by anticipating and thus accepting how I will experience myself in the future
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that resistance is a defense-mechanism of the mind that is created specifically with the purpose of having me remain within and as the mind – through my direct participation in and submission of myself to the mind, in how I, when I experience resistance, comply with the resistance and experience, perceive, justify and define the resistance as righteous, justified, reasonable and logical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest, participate within and as and comply with resistance based on an acceptance of resistance as righteous, justified, reasonable and logical where I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with excuses and justifications deliberately to manipulate, sabotage and control myself to not face myself or risk realizing myself in, of and as the mind – and thereby risk changing and ultimately stop myself in and as the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that I have created and participated in and justified the experience of resistance deliberately and specifically so to not have to face myself and take responsibility for myself and ultimately change and stop myself in and as the mind as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately come up with excuses and justifications to defend my experience of and compliance to resistance that I can believe, perceive, experience, define, see and accept as righteous, justified, reasonable and logical – so as to deliberately direct myself NOT to change and to remain existing within and as the mind as who and what I have accepted myself as – in separation from and of myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that the more I resist sitting down to write, the more I will resist sitting down to write – and that the more I push through the resistance to sitting down to write – the more the experience of resistance will dissipate because I am directing myself to not accept or allow myself to experience and participate within and as resistance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that however I might experience and participate in resistance towards writing – I am resisting myself – I am resisting to face myself, to realize myself, to see myself – to change myself and resisting to stop myself as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as – as the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not, see, realize or even question all the various ways I experience, justify and participate within and as resistance towards sitting down and writing – and to admit to myself in self-honesty that that is what it is – based on the evident fact that I am NOT sitting down to write, even though I KNOW that sitting down to write would in fact be best for me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I say to myself in the mind: “I don’t want to write”, “I got other stuff to do”, “it is too hard”, “I can’t do it”, “my writing suck”, “I feel so tired, I better go and sleep”, “I am not good at this”, “I’ll do it later” – and act accordingly in NOT sitting myself down to write – I am in fact accepting and allowing myself to comply with and submit myself to – and as such accept myself to experience and participate in resistance to facing myself in and as the mind, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and I am as such accepting the mind-program as a defense-mechanism to override me and to override myself as self-will, self-honesty and self-direction, which I then do not even allow myself to develop because I through allowing myself to resist, constantly postpone the point of actually and in fact facing myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize, see and understand that when I resist doing that which I know is the best for me, there is a discord and a point of separation within and as me both from and within and as knowledge as ‘what I know’ as well as acting deliberately in spite of that which I know, which means that there is another overriding program with a different ‘knowing’ because otherwise I would not be acting and directing myself according to and as it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself in and as the mind through participating in and complying to and with resistance – not seeing, realizing or understanding that every time I comply to resistance, I reconfirm my separation of and from myself – which is the purpose of resistance, to keep me separate from and of myself – and as such that only by pushing through resistance, will I be able to establish myself here, in and as self-direction, self-trust and self-honesty
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to be able to direct myself to write and then when I find that I am not able to, believe that there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough and that there is something missing from me – and thus go searching in my mind for that ‘something missing’ – while in fact missing the actual point – which is myself – and that I have to establish self-direction to direct myself – and that the fact that I am complying to and directing myself within and through resistance is indicating that I have submitted myself to the mind and am allowing the mind to direct me for me – and as such not realize, see or understand that all it takes for me to start writing, is to actually and in fact physically move myself – through and within not participating in resistance and the thoughts and experiences of justification that comes with resistance – to not ‘think about’ moving myself – but actually move myself in fact and from there slowly but surely establish self-will and self-direction and self-trust and self-honesty, instead of expecting ‘something’ to be here FOR ME that I have not yet established for or as myself – as it is clearly indicated by me simply FOLLOWING resistance without question
I commit myself to expose, admit and reveal to myself in self-honesty all the excuses and justifications I have used to justify and thus comply with resistance to writing, because I see and I understand that resistance is a self-defense-mechanism of the mind and that the purpose of resistance is for me to remain existing within and as the mind, in and as separation of and from myself here
When and as I look at the point of writing inside myself and I see that I am anticipating an experience of resistance projected onto the moment where I sit down to write – I stop. I stop participating in this projection as I realize that by expecting and anticipating myself to experience resistance; I am creating the experience of resistance and have already submitted myself to it in fact. So I stop. I take a breath and I do not allow myself to project into the future an idea and belief about ‘who’ I will be.
When and as I sit down to write and I immediately see that I am experiencing resistance, as indicated by physical uncomfortability as anxiety and fear in and as an experience of ‘restlessness’ I stop. I breathe and I realize that this is simply the mind setting its defense strategy in motion and that all I have to do is to not participate. I breathe.
When and as I sit down to write and I immediately see that I am experiencing resistance as indicated by thoughts about doing something else, about being too busy to write, about not having anything to write about, about doing anything else but writing, about not knowing what to write about, about not being good enough to write, about having too much going on in my mind to be able to write and any other thought that is essentially saying “don’t write” and “NO” to writing – I stop. Because I see, realize and understand that this is the mind setting its defense strategy in motion and that all I have to do, is to stop participating and not allow myself to submit myself to or comply with the experience of resistance – and then to simply breathe and commence with my decision to write, fingers on the key board, eyes on the screen, my feet on the floor, my body straight and aligned – and then I write.
When and as I sit down to write and I immediately see that I am experiencing resistance, as indicated by emotions and feelings and reactions towards writing where I feel that ‘it is too much’, where I feel anxious and fearful and depressed and sad and angry and not good enough and confused and like there is a thousand experiences inside me at once, I stop. I breathe. I place my feet on the floor with determination and I breathe though the experience not allowing myself to participate in the experience or emotion or reaction. Then I simply start writing.
When and as I sit down to write and I immediately see that I am experiencing resistance, as indicated by an experience of feeling overwhelmed and that there is a million things going on inside me, I Stop. I look in common sense at what the most prominent point or experience is, and then I start writing about that.
When and as I sit down to write and I immediately see that I am experiencing resistance, as indicated by an experience of doubt towards my own writing and my own seeing of myself and believing that I must ‘find myself’ or ‘find my self-honesty’ or ‘find my self-direction’, I stop. Because I realize, see and understand that I cannot expect ‘something’ to be here that I have not yet established and that writing is like any other point of ‘exercise’ or ‘craft’ something that has to be practiced consistently to be effective. So I stop participating in expectations and doubt towards myself and I allow myself to gently support myself to start writing myself out through utilizing a supportive structure of writing out 1 point at a time, 1 experience, 1 thought at a time and to give myself the permission to practice and to realize that I cannot be ‘perfect’ unless I practice and that I cannot ‘master’ myself in writing – unless I practice. And as so: I commit myself to be patient with myself and to realize that any and all excuse that I have towards not writing, is indicating resistance which is indicating me resisting myself and as such me accepting and allowing myself to remain enslaved and NOT best for myself – and as I see that, I don’t accept that of or from myself and so I Stop. I commit myself to allow myself to practice writing in patience and self-support and to slowly but surely establish self-direction in writing, self-trust in writing, self-discipline in writing, self-will in writing, self-honesty in and through writing and as such give myself permission – and direct myself to – get to know myself through and within writing.
Suggested reads and listens for further perspectives:
Day 11: Facing the Tsunami of the Mind: http://maitedip.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-11-facing-tsunami-of-mind.html
Detoxicating the application of Writing: http://aldinhrvat.wordpress.com/2012/04/10/detoxicating-the-application-of-writing-2/
Atlanteans – Atlanteans Resisting Change – Part 17: http://eqafe.com/p/atlanteans-atlanteans-resisting-change-part-17
Fear Support: Walking Through Fear with Consistent Writing Application: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPAPQ5VztCY
My Story of Writing and Support with Writing through Resistance: http://annabrixthomsen.com/2012/04/13/my-story-of-writing-and-support-with-writing-through-resistance/
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