June 7, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
In this Part 3 of walking my addiction to “more” I walk the point of the mind reacting by throwing a tantrum to me stopping the chase for “more” to manipulate me into giving in. I apply specific self-forgiveness to realize, see and understand why I have these intense emotional experiences when I am in the process of stopping this addiction, so that I can release the experience and direct myself here in and as common sense. Read the previous posts for the context of this pattern and addiction here:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I start to push my addiction to wanting, needing and desiring “more” through stopping participation in these addictions – have accepted and allowed myself to throw a tantrum in, through and as the mind through creating, manifesting and participating in and as an emotional reaction of irritation, frustration and resistance
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept or allow myself to PUSH through and not accept or allow myself to throw mental tantrums towards and within me pushing through the want, need and desire for “more” and instead want to give up and give in, in an experience that I am “swimming upstream” or that I am acting “out of character” in experiencing myself as not having any predetermined directions for what I am supposed to do and as such give in and give up before even having started
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throw an emotional mental tantrum within and as an experience of feeling frustrated, irritated, depressed, sad, angry and raging as a specific and deliberate strategy of manipulation to get me to give up and give in to temptation because I am pushing myself to not doing or living or acting according to what I as the mind wants, as continuing the addiction to “more” and in fact stopping and start discovering who I am and can be without the addiction to “more” and as such sabotage myself through and within manipulating myself to throwing an emotional mental tantrum
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I experience emotional reactions, when I accept and allow myself to participate in and as the mind – I am in fact deliberately sabotaging myself through, within and as throwing an emotional tantrum through and within which I accept and allow myself to give up and give in on myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only reason I am throwing emotional tantrums within, as and from the mind, is because it works – exactly as a child throwing tantrums only does it because it works and because the child knows that the parent will give in and give up at a certain point – the child knows that “no” does not mean “no” and therefore has no respect for it or for the authority of the adult – exactly as, I as the mind, have no respect for myself as the living physical authority, because I have lived my entire life giving in and giving up to the mind, learning and teaching and raising myself to let the mind direct through thoughts, emotions, feelings and reactions which is exactly is what I am facing now where as soon as I start pushing myself to step out of the mind through stopping my addiction to chasing after “more” – I immediately set in a “fail-safe” through, as and within the mind to make sure that I remain within and as the mind as who and what I have accepted myself as
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop up when I experience an emotional reaction or experience and see and realizing that I as the mind, am creating these reactions to get myself to move or behave a certain way in agreement with the mind’s agenda and that I, within accepting that “this is who I am” and that “this experience is in fact depicting the situation/myself/what is here, I accept and allow myself to deceive myself into submitting myself to the experience and as such make myself a total and complete slave of the experience in and accepting and allowing myself to live according to the agenda of the mind – for the mind to stay the mind, in a constant and continuous and endless hunt for “more” – instead of accepting and allowing and directing myself to Stop. And see that there is no “more”, there never was no “more” and that I have created the idea of “more” in and as a specific attempt of separating myself from myself here as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself into and as
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist and refuse to let go of my hunt for “more” within and as fearing and believing that if I let go of my hunt for more – and for the belief that “more” in fact exist and is possible – that I will be left with “the reality of myself” as “less” – which is true as far as the realization goes that “more” does not exist and that facing myself here is not a pretty experience locating some benevolent inner higher self, but in fact a self that has allowed this world to become what it is, based on my own very reflection – but is not true in that as “more” does not exist, “less” does not exist either – because what is here, is here and I am that which determines what is here as who I am in every moment, directly or indirectly, in awareness or as submitted to and as the mind in separation of and from myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize or understand that my emotional and mental tantrums as well as the want/need/desire for “more” are both part of the drive to separate myself from myself and that the actual real starting-point of this is fear – fear of facing myself as who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist – and to take self-responsibility for, as and within my creation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that existing within and as the image and likeness of a parent/child relationship where the mind is the child and I as the being am supposed to be the adult, is reflecting my own separation of and from myself into and as the mind, where in fact it is the mind as the child that is controlling, dictating, deciding and directing me and where I as the being have accepted and allowed myself to exist in complete submission – justifying this within and as myself as “at least I am getting some peace when the mind gets its way” – instead of standing one and equal and bring both parts back to myself, direct myself AS the mind to what is best for all, direct myself as myself here as a living physical being, to stop the reign of the mind and to take back the authority over and as myself in and as self-responsibility for, within and as who I am here
I forgive myself that I, when and as I experience emotional reactions, have accepted and allowed myself to believe that these reactions are real and really depicting who I am and what the world is and what my relationship with others are, allowing the emotional experience to be the directive principle of and as me within seeing and perceiving everything through, within and as the emotional experience and to act and direct myself accordingly – instead of stopping up and asking myself why I am experiencing emotions, where these emotions are coming from, why and how I created them, what their purpose is and what the consequence will be from me accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as them
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am accepting and allowing myself to throw an emotional tantrum, to accept and allow myself to take my emotional experience/reaction/tantrum out on someone else/something else, projecting the responsibility as being the source of my experience onto them/that and as such accept and allow myself to lash out and to within that accept and allow myself to perpetuate the experience and solidify it further for myself as real by accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as it extroverted and lash it onto someone/something outside separate from me through which I re-confirm my own assigned ‘validity’ of the emotional experience as real
I commit myself to do whatever it takes to assist and support myself to stop all addictions to “more” – clarified as defined as any and all points where I experience that I must have/experience/get more than what is here. Examples of this are a desire to eat when I am not hungry, a desire for sugar, a desire to masturbate and have sex, a desire to smoke cigarettes, a desire to go back to the past based on the belief that I/life was “more” in the past, a desire to go into the future in a belief that the future will be “more”, a desire to lose weight in believing that I will be “more” if I lose weight, a general desire for “what comes next?” as an a energetic surge where I separate myself from myself here – which actually starts with fear but transfers into a positive ‘driven’ experience, where I don’t even realize that my starting point was fear
I commit myself to push myself and to support myself to remain here, whenever I experience that “urge” and “drive” to go somewhere else, be someone else, be with someone else, I commit myself to place my feet on the ground, breathe into and as my human physical body and feel myself physically, let go of my emotional occupation of the body through releasing and changing the specific facial postures that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on and then simply remain here doing what is required to be done in and as breath
I commit myself to discover who I am without the desire for “more” in which I have been hiding myself as the fear of facing/losing myself and to discover who I am behind that fear. In this, I commit myself to change my attitude and experience towards stopping my addiction to “more” from experiencing fear and resistance towards how it will be like to live without chasing after “more” to supporting myself to push myself in understanding why I am doing this – because I realize that my chasing after more has been useless and detrimental and as such I have no use for the desire or chase for more, anymore. I allow myself to stop and let go.
Even though I do not yet fully understand it, I see that for me to actually live and be here, I require letting go of that which I until now have believed gave me life and gave my life purpose and excitement as the constant and continuous chase after more, in and as the hunt for constant energetic experiences and at the moment that is daunting and scary because it is all I know myself as, as the chase and hunt for energy so stopping will cause much experience as though what I am doing is unnatural and not supposed to be and like someone very close to me is dying and I am holding the weapon. Within this I commit myself to support myself to be strong and determined and certain within and as my commitment to stop. I realize that I will never experience peace or satisfaction or be whole, until I let go of the chase for more. So I let go.
When and as I see that I am experiencing and accepting and allowing myself to participate in and as an emotional tantrum, I remind myself that the tantrum is a “natural” reaction from the mind and that I am testing myself and my stance, that it is nothing to worry about and that I simply require stop participating, directing myself in and as breath, and to stop myself as the mind that I am standing as the directive principle of and as me and that nothing can change that. As I experience the emotional tantrum coming up in my body, I simply stop. I breathe and I don’t allow myself to participate further in the experience. I make sure that I am clear and then I continue doing what I was doing.
I see, realize and understand that emotional experiences are tantrums that I as the mind through deliberately to manipulate to get what I want and that tantrums would not exist, if I was self-directed and clearly directing the mind in what I will and will not accept or allow. So the tantrums exist only because I have been wavering and have accepted the mind to direct me, in fear and they are my responsibility to direct and to change my relationship with myself as the mind so that it is absolutely clear what I will and what I will not participate within and as. I see, realize and understand that the current relationship I have with myself as the mind, have accumulated over many years and am therefore automated and that I am thus “accustomed” to, within and as it. Therefore I see, realize and understand that it is of utmost importance that I am patient and consistent in my application of the new direction and to prepare myself to face many tantrums and experiences where I have to stand and breathe. I commit myself to do so.
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