May 26, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
The day before yesterday, I wrote a post titled “I made a decision”. After I had posted it, I was contacted by a fellow Destonian, who assisted me to see, how I in in one of my “commitment statements”, had specifically NOT made an actual commitment to stand up for life, but instead had written the statement in such a way that I could sneak out the back door. I could see what the person meant, so I changed the statement. After that, they sent me another mail saying that when you write something that is the words you must stand by – meaning, facing oneself as. Changing that because someone else points it out is not self-honest, as that would merely be following another, instead of investigating for oneself why one wrote such a statement including a backdoor to sneak out of in the first place. So yesterday I pondered and I pondered some more and I ended up not posting a post. Instead I went – literally – into a think-box and ended up having a very long conversation with someone else about what is going on with me, after having literally held myself in an energetic tension for quite a while. I have been having many reactions to when I am faced with others making decisions that are not best for all, for example when it comes to caring for animals – and I see that – but I experience reactions and this shows me, that what I am seeing is reflecting myself back to me – and because of this I cannot effectively direct the situation and I end up compromising what is best for all, even though I saw what was best for all in the moment and that accepting what the other is saying is not acceptable. I have reacted so strongly to this, that I experience it in my entire physical body, lots of tension and sometimes react for several days. So what I saw through this, is the extent that me allowing myself to be directed by and as EGO, is compromising myself and my reality and everyone else: the other person representing EGO and “who I am” as EGO and my reaction to the other, in not standing up for what is best for all, as “who I am” in relationship to/with EGO as myself and the animals that are compromised because of this represents THE PHYSICAL, the INNOCENT, “who I am as Life” – suppressed, compromised, without a voice.
So I am here to commit EGOcide because I cannot and I will not accept or allow myself to continue existing as I have. EGOcide is a Destonian term that a Destonian came up with, but there is actually a term called “ecocide” in the dictionary which stands for “destruction of the natural environment, especially when wilfully done.” – and THAT is exactly what I have accepted and allowed myself to do and live and exist in and as – destroying the physical, myself as the physical body and everyone on earth. The only solution is thus to commit EGOcide – to kill the EGO in/as myself, so that I can bring myself back here – in and as physical.
So I am looking at two points here:
Because I have been writing now for 35 days and many if not most of my commitments have been unfruitful, meaning that I have not LIVED that which I have committed myself to. Therefore it I absolutely redundant to keep making commitments – that are in essence false – if I don’t actually live them and stand by them – what’s the point? Who am I trying to prove myself to? So firstly I will look at the point of making commitments to and with and as myself.
Secondly, I will investigate the point of committing EGOcide, using my experience with another human being and seeing them acting in a way that is not best for all – because that is showing myself directly and exactly who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I have a clear directive here and I will return tomorrow to write out these points in and through self-forgiveness and I will simply walk through it in the moment. For now I will go to rest and return in the morning with a breath of fresh air.
Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow.
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