Chasing The Mirage of “Good Enough”: DAY 31

May 21, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Good Enough Never Is 823x1024 Chasing The Mirage of “Good Enough”: DAY 31I am continuing the deconstruction of the question: “will I ever be good enough?” and the antecedent belief, definition, experience and acceptance of/as myself as intrinsically “not good enough”. Here I then ask: What IS good enough? Because for there to be “not good enough” there must exist some idea/belief/perception about “good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and see and understand the implication of me being good at math when I don’t think about that I am doing math within and as the definition, belief, experience and acceptance of myself as not enough to do math – and as such see, realize and understand that me not being good enough at math is not real, but to the extent that I have made it real for myself by confirming for myself over and over that I am not good enough at math and as such making it so, through my insistence and direct acceptance of myself as not good enough at math

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that through confirming for myself in thought, deed and word that I am not good enough  – I have made it so and I have made myself so and that every time I have said to someone or inside my own mind that “I am not good enough to do/be/live…” I have further confirmed for myself the belief, experience, definition and acceptance of/as myself as not good enough – never questioning or considering that the source/origin of me not being good enough was my own decree through thought, word and deed within and as accepting and confirming for myself that I was not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to consider, see, realize and understand that my belief, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as not good enough, can only be based on an idea/belief/decree/definition/judgment and comparison within and as my mind, that I have submitted and subjected myself to/within/as of what IS good enough – within that I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to ask myself the question: “what IS good enough?”  — because I would have, within asking myself that question, seen, realizing and understood that NOTHING will ever be good enough – as “good enough” is based on an imaginary definition/belief/idea about “perfection” and “what is best” that has absolutely nothing to do with practical reality.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I, within existing within and as and according to the question: “Will I ever be good enough?” have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself intrinsically before even having tried or allowed myself to approach a point in my world, reality and myself that I was not already good at and thereby and within that have accepted and allowed myself to base my entire life and life-experience within/on/as giving up on myself – yet at the same time not accepting or allowing myself to admit that to myself, hence accepting and allowing myself to live and exist in the limbo of the question: “Will I ever be good enough?” – Thus not ever accepting or allowing myself to actually LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I have more or less never gotten anything done, is because I have believed and accepted that it/I would not be good enough anyway and so I have justified for myself giving up before even trying or giving myself a chance to apply myself in something that I am not already good at or that comes natural to me, based on fear that I will fail – while already accepting myself as a failure/as failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide, suppress and deny my fear/belief/definition/experience and acceptance of me not being good enough in justifying it for myself as being because the point/person I am facing is “boring” or “too hard” or “not accessible enough” or “not interesting enough” or that “it takes too long time to complete” – which are basic excuses and justifications I have used for anything and everything in my life that I have allowed myself to not pursue based on already having given up on myself before even trying – I did this when I wanted to learn to knit and play the guitar and basically with any sport I have wanted to play and any form of education and work I have wanted to take on – thus allowing myself to limit my life and myself extensively in/as/through this self-manipulation, deception and sabotage

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I always resisted learning new things/people/points and why I always defined them and judged them as “boring”, “not good enough”, “too much”, “too hard” – was because of having already given up on myself as a basic acceptance of/as “who I am” within and as the belief that “I am not good enough” and as such isolated and excluded myself from ever participating in my world, reality, relationships and even with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a split personality both within and as myself in and as the mind and between how I experienced myself inside and how I presented and experienced myself when with others – based on having accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as and according to the limbo of the question: “Will I ever be good enough?” where I had already accepted that I was not and would never be good enough, yet at the same time looking to others to “make me good enough” and as such not accepting my own acceptance of myself as not good enough, yet constantly and continuously confirming it for/as/within myself – thus accepting and allowing myself to live and exist within and as a constant and continuous inner conflict and instability – where nothing and no one was ever good enough, not even the belief that I was not good enough – because everything/everyone had become simply “not good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a split – and thus based on separation – personality between the belief, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as not good enough that had become my unconscious way of living as a “who I am” that I was not even aware of that I had accepted as “who I am” because it WAS simply “who I was” as though it was a physical, a priori fact of life – and the drive to “become good”, “become better”, “become perfect”, “be the best” as the polarity manifestation of “not good enough” that equally existed as a drive I was not aware of was because of the acceptance of myself as “not good enough” – I just knew that I had to, had to, had to – become good enough. But I never did, because “good enough” does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I, within accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as giving up on myself as a “way of Life” as “who I am” as intrinsically “not good enough” – equally existed within and as the polarity-manifestation-relationship in wanting/needing/desiring to be “the best”, to “win”, to “be perfect” and to be “good enough” and how I within and between these two polarities have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a constant and continuous inner conflict – that essentially can only be designed by/within/as the mind to create friction through my “tugging” myself between the polarities – as energy for the mind to sustain itself.

I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or even consider that the “war” within me, between “not good enough” and “good enough” and the friction I accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as, existed within, as and based upon the generation of energy as fuel for the mind-consciousness-system – as that which I have accepted myself in and as and that neither polarity or the relationship between the polarities and myself in the middle, was ever real because it was not based in, on or as the physical practical reality, but on ideas, beliefs and perceptions about myself, the world and “who I am” within and as and in relation to the world in/as separation of and from myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my idea/belief/perception/definition of “good enough” and “not good enough” has been based in/on/as competition and comparison between myself as how and who I have accepted and allowed myself to define, believe, experience and accept myself as – in a relationship with/towards the world as others/points/manifestations and even myself as projected ideas/beliefs/ideals about who and what I believed that I should be and as such – within and as allowing competition through comparison be my “baseline” in my relationship with life, have only accepted “winning” as “good enough” but even when I “won” – it was not “good enough” – because the entire principle of “good enough/not good enough” was designed to create friction to generate energy for the mind to feed off on and sustain itself through/as/within and as such required me to be in constant conflict with/as/within myself – where as soon as I “reached” a “good enough” the energy would run out and I would invent new “standards” for what is “good enough” – never ever accepting or allowing myself to be satisfied with simply living and being here in and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a constant drive to “deliver” – to live up to what I believed was the expectations of others/the world – but what was in fact my own inner “standards” based on “what is good enough” as an impossible peak to reach because it constantly moved higher and higher to ensure that I was constantly generating energy through the friction of “success” and “failure”, “rising” and “falling” – never actually “delivering” because such a point did not exist – as I had already accepted myself as failing and giving up one myself, yet deceiving myself into believing that if I just became better – I could reach “good enough”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how I have defined within my mind, “good enough” as an idea and measure of absolute perfection that I compared myself to/within/as in my definition, belief, experience and acceptance of myself as “good good enough” – where I accepted that nothing I ever did or was would ever be good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to compromise myself to any extent possible – just to be good enough in the eyes of others – which was really the eyes of my own mind, the “I” that I had created as an absolute judge and measure of perfection that was not even defined in any way, but simply always was that which “I will never be” – and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a constant and continuous drive to be “good enough” even though it was impossible and unachievable and designed as such for me to never ever reach my goal – because it did not exit, except as a figure of my imagination as a vague “peak” out there in the future, where I could finally accept myself, love myself, allow myself to relax and enjoy life

I forgive myself that I have not ever in fact accepted or allowed myself to accept myself or love myself or allow myself to relax and enjoy life, because of the belief that I must and have to constantly and continuously “fight” myself as “not good enough” as “who I am” – in the attempt to become “good enough” which was not and could never be “who I am” and as such I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to an infinite loop of polarity – that only existed with the purpose of generate energy for the mind to feed off of to sustain itself – through my direct and indirect participation and acceptance of/as myself as the mind  – to the dire detriment and depletion of anything of and as me that was real, that was life, that was here in and as oneness and equality, as self-acceptance and self-love

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a constant and continuous attempt to become “good enough” – a good enough daughter, a good enough sister, a good enough friend, a good enough neighbor, a good enough co-worker, a good enough lover, a good enough woman, a good enough child, a good enough girl-friend, a good enough wife, a good enough believer, a good enough child of god, a good enough worker, a good enough student, a good enough sex-partner, a good enough intellectual, a good enough class-mate, a good enough animal guardian, a good enough athlete, a good enough actor, a good enough singer, a good enough person, a good enough cool person, a good enough spiritual person, a good enough activist, a good enough rebel.

-          While not ever, ever being satisfied with myself in any way what so ever – because my attempts at being good enough was all based within/on/as the acceptance of myself as “not good enough”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a positively-charged personality and self-image that I presented to myself and others as “who I am” as the polarity of “not good enough” – where I would feel, experience, define, believe and accept myself as “the best” and as “better” than others – even better than myself as the experience of and as myself – as “more than” and “superior” to others – as an equal-and-one acceptance of myself as “who I am” – that I never questioned or considered, exactly as I never questioned or considered my acceptance of myself as “not good enough” – while this personality/self-image was based on and designed within the purpose of “standing guard” on one hand, to keep myself from bringing the suppressed part of myself as being “not good enough” to the surface, to keeping up the appearances to myself and others of myself as being “the best” – to prevent myself from being, living, facing and admitting to myself that I would not ever be and had never ever been “good enough”  - and on the other hand designed within the purpose of polarity, to create friction in the fight with the “not good enough” part of myself to, through that, generate energy for the mind to feed off of and sustain itself through – thus not ever accepting or allowing myself to exist as anything else than a slave to and as the mind in and acceptance of myself as the mind as “who I am” and an acceptance of myself as “that which keeps myself alive” as the generation of energy through fiction that I have believed and accepted is necessary at ALL COSTS for me to stay alive – even killing myself in the process – which of course shows the absolute absurdity and detriment of “who we are” in and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that EVERYTHING I do – speak, move, write, talk, act within and as – is based on the acceptance of myself as existing within and as the polarity-relationship between “not good enough” as who and as how I have accepted myself to the question: “will I ever be good enough?” where I have separated myself from the acceptance of myself as “not good enough” and projected it outside, separate from me onto others to determine, decide and judge me – and the drive to be “good enough” and as such have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself totally and completely to, within and as this polarity-design

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship and existence and acceptance of/as myself within, as and based on the idea/belief/definition/judgment and acceptance of “good enough” and “not good enough” is equal and one to/with the ideas about “hell” and “heaven” where “not good enough” is equal to the idea of hell that people believe they will go to if they have sinned and as such accept as a reality and the idea of “good enough” is equal and one to the idea of heaven – that never comes, because one has to be dead to experience it and that is furthermore always in the hands of someone else, as an authority outside separate from self that has the full dominion, control and final judgment over self –  never ever accepting or allowing myself to see, realize and understand that hell is already here, within and as the manifestation of/as this world and within and as the manifestation of myself and my inner conflict and war with myself and how I have allowed myself to exist subjected and submitted to a mind-system of separation, friction, inequality and abuse – exactly as the world system without – and how heaven is only possible here on earth – through me getting HERE – and stopping myself as the mind-system that can only exist as long as I am at war with myself because it is not real and therefore need and require me as life-source-substance to give myself to/as it, for it to exist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have based my definition/belief/experience and acceptance of what is “good enough” and “not good enough” on a feeling as an energetically charged experience – thus confirming for myself exactly that I have designed this polarity to generate energy, because that is exactly what I have done – feeling “good about myself” when I have done/defined/experienced/believed/accepted myself as “good enough” and feeling “bad about myself” when I have done/defined/experienced/believed/accepted myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that nothing I would ever do or be or become would be “good enough” – because the belief, definition, experience and acceptance of/as myself as “not good enough” was first of all not real to begin with as it was based on comparison through competition and second of all was designed specifically with the purpose of generating energy through friction for the mind to sustain itself

(I see as I have mentioned in the previous posts that I have barely started scratching the surface of this point and the further I go into it, the more dimensions open up – so I will continue writing this point out until I am satisfied that I have opened up all dimensions and can begin the process of re-constructing myself and correcting myself to what is best for all – so once again: to be continued…)

I commit myself to live within and according to the realization that the polarity of “good enough/not good enough” is designed specifically with the purpose of generating energy through the friction of the polarities, and the inner war/conflict that I have manifested through my relationship with/within/as this polarity – to sustain the mind and as such I support myself to stop ALL Participation in either side of the polarity of either experiencing myself positive within defining myself/what I do as “good enough” or experiencing myself negative within defining myself/what I do as “not good enough” – thus I flag point the experience of energy fluctuation through/within/as emotions and feelings, so that I can assist myself to stop the experience and breathe and bring myself back here

Read the previous posts:

DAY 29: Who I am as the Question: “Will I ever be Good Enough?”

DAY 30: ‘Who I Am’ as the Question: “Will I Ever Be Good Enough for THEM?”

Suggest to follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life, Earth’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk