Who I am as the Question: “Will I ever be Good Enough?”: DAY 29

May 19, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

Not Good Enough by graphiqual 724x1024  Who I am as the Question: “Will I ever be Good Enough?”: DAY 29The past week, I have been circling this question since I received some support in opening this point up for myself. Every day when I have sat down to write, I have wanted to write about this point and I can see how this question has saturated my life, being and body to such an extent that I did not even know where to start, because this question have for all intends and purposes become “who I am.” So here I go, opening the Pandora’s box, simply starting from one end with what is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as and base my entire life-experience within and on the question: “will I ever be good enough?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself within and as a point of suppressed limitation within this one thought that has been possessing me throughout my life of: “will I ever be good enough?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow this one thought to infiltrate and sabotage all that I do, have done and all that I am of asking over and over again within and as a thought and within and as my manifested living an even in my body the question: “will I ever be good enough?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own submission to the question: “will I ever be good enough?” onto and as my external world and reality and onto my relationships with other human beings and with my experience of and as myself where I am and have been constantly and continuously asking: “will it ever be good enough?”, “will she ever be good enough?”, “will he ever be good enough?”, “will my body ever be good enough?”, “will life ever be good enough?” – while all along the only question I was asking within and as myself was: “will I ever be good enough?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself unclear and hazy towards and within facing myself within and as the question: “will I ever be good enough?” even though this question has saturated me, my experience of myself and my entire participation within and as my life here and as such have accepted and allowed myself to place a veil of unclarity over my own eyes as my “I” as an automated self-defense mechanism  designed so that I don’t realize or face myself within and as who I am as the origin of the question: “will I ever be good enough?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive and accept myself within and as the belief that I will never be good enough and that I within and because of this belief have directed myself accordingly to always give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to without question, accept that  I am not and will not ever be good enough and to have repeated this within my mind over and over and over again

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to infuse into my human physical body the belief, judgment, acceptance and perception that I am not and will never be good enough and that I within that have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and betray my human physical body and allow the body to suffer because of my acceptance and allowance of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as an acceptance of giving up on myself in all and everything I do and am and participate within and as – based on the belief and acceptance that I am not and will never be good enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason why I am not breathing effectively or walking as effectively as I would like to, is because I have given up on myself within and as the belief, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as not good enough and that I will never be good enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have copied and taken over my mother’s belief, experience and acceptance that she is not good enough and that she will never be good enough as my own belief, definition, experience and acceptance of and as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand how extensively I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and that I have defined myself according to how my mother has believed, defined, perceived, experienced and accepted herself through living with my mother and hearing how my mother describes herself in words as “not good enough” and how she lives according to this belief through addictions, apathy and emotions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I, within accepting my mother’s experience, belief, definition and acceptance of herself as not good enough as real and as who she is, have accepted and allowed myself to define, experience, believe and accept myself as not good enough within and as defining myself as existing in the image and likeness of my mother as a direct extension of my mother and as such that whatever/who my mother is, is who and what I am as well equal and one

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to not question or challenge my experience, belief, definition and acceptance of myself as not good enough within and as having accepted that this is simply ‘who I am’ as a ‘natural’ acceptance of myself because and within having accepted that it is ‘who’ my mother is – within and as accepting her experience of herself as real and because of defining, experiencing, perceived and accepting myself as a physical extension of my mother, have defined, experienced, perceived and accepted myself accordingly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, experience, define and accept myself as a physical extension of my mother, thus existing in the image and likeness of my mother and thus that whatever my mother is and accept herself as, I am too – not realizing, seeing or understanding that I only exist as an extension of my mother to the extent that I have accepted myself as such and that my mother’s belief, definition, experience and acceptance of herself as not good enough and that I have accepted equal and one as who I am, is not a physical fact, but a mental delusion that is only made possible through my direct acceptance and allowance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as implicitly not good enough, because my mother did not experience herself as good enough and that I within that have never accepted or allowed myself to question mine or my mother’s acceptance of herself as not good enough and realize, see and understand that it is not who my mother is or who I am – but that it is how and as who she have accepted and allowed myself to submit and subject herself to/as/within the mind as intrinsically inferior and less than and flawed as a deliberate and direct self-deception, manipulation and sabotage

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that the only reason I have defined, experienced, believed and accepted myself as not good enough, is because I have accepted my mother’s experience, belief, definition and acceptance of herself as not good enough as real and valid and as such have defined, believed, experienced and accepted myself accordingly within and as believing, accepting, experiencing and defining myself as an extension of my mother that exist in the image and likeness of my mother

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, feel, experience and accept that ‘not good enough’ is simply ‘who I am’ as who/how I was born and I forgive myself that I have never accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that all experiences, ways and points in and through which I have accepted myself as not good enough, has been because of this initial acceptance of and as myself and that nothing I have ever done to change myself in any way has worked or been effective, because I have accepted ‘who I am’ as not good enough

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘who I am’ as ‘not good enough’ is not ac physical fact of life – and thus real – but a mental deception and delusion that I have copied directly from my mother and as such have accepted as real even though it is not and as such have diminished myself and abdicated myself to a delusion

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that the belief, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as ‘not good enough’ is not real, unless I make it so – and that I as such have made it so through my direct participation in, accumulation and acceptance of myself as not good enough throughout my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the belief, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as not good enough to saturate and penetrate my entire participation in and as my world, my reality, my relationship with, within and as myself and with other human beings to such an extent that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to become good at anything or go for anything and never actually try anything, because I have already accepted that I will fail anyway because of the belief, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as intrinsically not good enough and as such I have lived my entire life in the shadow of this belief, without ever questioning this as real or valid because I have accepted it simply as ‘who I am’.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand that within existing within and according to and submitted to the question: “Will I ever be good enough?” already have accepted myself as not good enough, constantly and continuously – accepting “not good enough” as real and thus accept myself as less-than, flawed, missing something constantly and continuously trying to “become good enough” – in fact spending my entire life trying to become good enough, while having already accepted myself as “not good enough”

I forgive myself that I within having accepted and allowed myself to exist within the question: “will I ever be good enough?” based on the acceptance that I am not good enough, have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is up to others to decide whether I am not enough or not, exactly as mother related her acceptance, belief, definition and experience of herself as not good enough directly in relation to others in/as my relationship with them

I forgive myself that I within having accepted and allowed myself to believe and accept that it is only others who determine whether or not I am good enough, have accepted and allowed myself to make myself completely and entirely dependent upon and enslaved to my relationship with others to be “good enough” – while at the same time intrinsically accept myself as “not good enough” because I am that who and which determine who and what I accept myself as, as the living word and as such exist within and as separate from the responsibility for my acceptance of myself as not good enough by having projected this responsibility outside separate from me.

As I have barely started opening this point up and this is quite a significant point, I will continue whenever possible with the deconstruction of this acceptance of and as myself. So most definitely: to be continued…

I commit myself to investigate and reveal for myself all points, aspects, parts and personalities within and as who and how I have accepted myself that I have manifested/created/designed within and from the question: “Will I ever be good enough?” based on the acceptance of/as myself as not good enough

I commit myself to reveal to myself all beliefs/definitions/experiences/acceptances of/as myself as not good enough and deconstruct these in common sense self-honesty until they are no more and I am now more accepting or allowing myself to believe, define, experience and accept myself as not good enough

I commit myself to reveal and investigate for myself the nature of/as ‘Who I am’ as who and what I have accepted myself as within and as the question: “Will I ever be good enough?” and the belief, definition, experience and acceptance of myself as not good enough

I commit myself to walk a process of supporting myself to start living here and valuing myself here as life and accepting myself here – without defining myself according to and in a relationship with and dependent upon energy

I commit myself to support myself to stop defining myself according to and dependent upon energy and in a relationship with others, with parts that I’ve separated from/as/within me that I’ve held responsible for me being good enough – and take back self-responsibility over and as myself as value and worth here

Related entries:

DAY 27: Be-Living in Thoughts as ‘Who I am’

DAY 26: The Be-Life Decree of Energy as “That which gives me Life”

Suggest to follow Malin’s blog as well where great support as self-support is provided.

Suggest to follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship  courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk