May 14, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
If I were to do a life-review right now, the primary point I would look back as, as my “weakness” in life is emotions and with that energy as that which emotions are made up and fuel. Through my participation with Desteni I have learned that energy through the friction generated through emotions as inner conflicts based on separation, is what the mind-consciousness-system feed off and essentially consist of and exist as. Without energy, the mind cannot ‘survive’ – why? Because the mind is essentially not real, it is a delusional artificial parasite, a program that we have forced onto the actual physical – real – reality and because of that, it requires a constant re-charging (re-confirmation) to be “in check” as that which governs our lives through possession.
So far so good, I understand how it works. And I understand that emotions as that through which energy is generated, is only able to emerge and possess me, within how I have created relationships in my mind about who and what I am in relation to the world, myself and other beings. So a thought pops up and my connection to that thought as a relationship, wherein I define myself according to the thought is how it is possible to generate emotions. Emotions emerge when we’ve taken thoughts personally. So I understand all of this, so far, so good. However, I still have a tendency to become possessed by emotions and as such by energy. I feed off it because I am the mind – at the absolute detriment of the human physical body and life on earth in its totality. So my question to myself is the following: why is it that I, in spite of this knowing, am still allowing myself to become possessed by emotions more or less daily and constantly?
I see two points of limitation that I have held onto and not let go of:
- The belief that I need motion/emotion/energy to sustain myself and exist here. I see how belief is directly be-life meaning it is a directive decision to ‘be-as-life’ that which I believe, which is like a decree that I have placed upon myself as a living principle. It is also that which I have accepted (as belief) myself as, as life – thus that “I will be life” through existing within and as, and generating emotion
- I fear letting go of my decree of existing in motion/emotion/energy because of the acceptance that that is what is keeping me alive. As such, the fear is that within which I hold myself to the decree and use as a justification for not challenging my belief in emotion.
Emotion literally means “move out/out move”[i] which is then and thus the actual living declaration of separation, how we continuously separate ourselves from ourselves through creating relationships of friction towards the world, other beings and ourselves. What is interesting about the word “fear” is that its origin[ii] means: “to lie in wait” and “to plot against/taunt” – so fear is directly and specifically the act of self-sabotage, of hiding from oneself, of waiting for oneself, of plotting against oneself.
Therefore, in allowing myself to exist within and as emotion as the generation of energy, constantly and continuously, I am plotting against myself to sabotage myself. My direct submission to emotions, via the belief that I need emotions as energy to exist, thus makes me completely and totally the bitch of the mind. The evidence is clear in my daily experiences of emotional possession, where I have absolutely no control over myself. The ego, as the spokesperson for the conglomeration of personalities, all designed to generated energy through friction in one way or another – is then that which I experience myself as, as a “one” – one person, one individual, one human being, yet consisting of a myriad of various personalities that are all fighting each other to be “the one” – not ever realizing, seeing or understanding that I am already One, as living and existing here, one and equal with life as all that is here. The Ego is that which says “go mind! Go!” – Thus the front person in the one-man big band in my head cheering on the crowd as all the personalities to generate these experiences. Because no matter what: I allow it.
Knowing all of this has not changed anything. So what will it take for me to stop and change? The ‘level’ I have to change myself at, is at the level of my acceptances and allowances – because it is only in that that I am able to stand one and equal to myself as motion/emotion/energy. I got the information. I have applied lots of self-forgiveness on emotions, feelings and energy – but little has changed and if it was not clear before, it is now as crystal clear as it gets, that I am literally destroying myself through my acceptance and allowance of myself to participate in energy.
Let’s have a look at some of the definitions:
Defining energy as a good thing. Believing that I am in motion with emotion. Believing as the decree of saying: “Be life!” The ego as the voice of “sanity”, that which brings “us all” together – NOT! So E-Motion is energy in motion and in and through that the belief = be-life that I as “Life” am moving myself. See, because the mind is not really life, but only a simulation of it – it requires to create an optical illusion of movement (because life is Movement/Sound) to make me as the “Mover” accept that the mind is life. “E” also almost sound as “I” thus the illusion of self that is not life, but that is the mind, that is consciousness, the delusion of “self-awareness”. Another interesting definition is “energy”[iii] as it is defined as “forced expression” but also as “en” = “In” and “ergon” = “work” which actually comes from “urge” which means “to push/press hard/compel ” which in some languages also contains definitions of “religious performances”, “tie/fasten/squeeze” and even “enemy” and “hunt”. This thus means that emotion is the “thrill of the hunt” as the action of moving as energy, which is literally “hard work” and specifically ties in with how we as humans have become slaves to energy. This is our forced expression of life, insisting, forcing, and driving life as energy to work for absolutely no reason than to retain itself. And THAT is what I live and exist as. That is what I have given myself permission and decree to live within and as, through my be-life in energy as that which keeps me alive, while it is doing nothing but driving me to my grave, so that the system of itself can continue, completely lost, completely possessed and a living manifestation of misery because that which is not real can never be real. And I am responsible for that torture and taunt of myself as energy. I am the one that have gone along for the ride.
There is nothing else to say. This is simply what it is. What I mean, is that there is no mystery behind it or any back doors as some reason for why energy should exist. So I have been a 100 % loyal slave to energy, no questions about it. It has been my drug nr. 1 and I have been willing to let all of existence suffer including self-destruct to remain existing as energy – all because of the starting-point of myself as fear of loss – fear as we discussed is defined as “to lie in wait” and “to plot against/taunt” – so fear of loss is to lie in wait of loss, in and acceptance and anticipation of loss as well as plotting against self as loss. None of it is Real!
So Thought = Living Word that is formulated through the decree of belief as the deceptiveness in creating personal relationships towards thoughts in saying: “be-life!” When the relationship is that of acceptance, I become that which I have accepted as real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in energy and through my belief as a decree of my directive will have directed myself to be energy through the living directive of that which I believe will be-life
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy cannot be “that which gives me life” because energy is generated BY and through the physical as Life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see, define, experience, believe and accept energy as “positive” as “that which gives life” when energy is in fact a simulation of life, a depletion of life, a delusion/illusion that wants to be life instead of life – a physical impossibility and as such not life
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason why I have experienced difficulty in stopping participation in energy, is because I have accepted energy as “that which gives me life” in the living decreed as word and deed as the directive to be-life that without energy I will and cannot exist – within and as having accepted myself as the mind consisting of and existing as energy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make and accept myself as dependent upon energy to exist, within and as having defined and accepted myself as the mind – as a delusion as a simulation of life that is not life in fact and therefore is dependent upon life-source-substance to ‘exist’ even though that ‘existence’ is not real because it is in no way self-sustainable and is dependent upon a source outside separate from it, not realizing that something that is dependent upon something else to exist, cannot be life in fact as life is here, constant
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself and accept myself completely, entirely and unconditionally as a devoted follower of energy – a follower indeed as a slave because and within how I willingly only do that which energy as experience, feeling and emotion tell me to do and fear doing anything that is not directed by energetic experiences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing anything that is not dictated and directed by energy as experience, emotion and feeling within how I have accepted energy as “that which gives me life” and fear as that which protects me – not admitting to myself or being self-honest about what fear really is, as that which I use to plot against myself – and where I lie in wait as an ambush as I use energy to hunt life down and lie in waiting for myself to bring myself back to myself and actually start living – and also lie AS waiting through using fear to keep myself at bay
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according to and submit myself to fear of doing anything that is not directed and dictated by energy and as such only allow myself to act according to energy, as energetic experiences, emotions, feelings, desires and cravings based on the decree as the direction to be-life that energy is that which “gives me life”
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that energy is NOT that which gives me life – as life is here, constant, while energy is fluctuant, unstable and able to be depleted and inflated according to manipulation
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see or realize that it is through my acceptance of energy as “that which gives me life” that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to energy as a slave in believing in energy as a decree that I deem and direct to be life – that I deem and direct to be life within and as accepting and defining myself as consciousness in a relationship with energy as “that which gives me life”
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life is that which gives life to life in the simplicity of life being life without any intermediaries or conditions or dependencies that makes it what it is
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I direct myself according to energy only – as experiences, emotions and feelings – I am living the decree of the directive delusion that I have accepted as life as “who I am” and that I as such am not living as all, but in fact depleting myself as life through sucking the life out of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become a willing slave of energy within and as the experience, belief, experience and acceptance of energy as “that which gives me life” – not seeing, realizing or understanding that I am the one that have accepted energy as that which gives me life, never considering or questioning if that is so in fact – never questioning that I constantly need to fill myself up with energy, charge myself, that I must use my body and other human beings to charge and discharge energy, not realizing the extensive abuse that I have exposed myself as the physical, as the body and the earth to through my submission and addition to energy in the decree as the living statement of be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”
I forgive myself that I have not ever accepted or allowed myself to question the decree as the directive living statement of be-life of energy as “that which gives me life” without ever investigating what energy in fact is or how I have created energy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly as in with-will have submitted myself completely and entirely to energy in the decree as the directive be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to willingly as in with-will have submitted myself to the fear of not existing within and as energy within and as believing and as such making the directive decree that fear is protecting me from danger
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to do and say and kill and destroy and torture and harm anything and any one for energy within and as having completely and entirely submitted myself to the belief as a directive decree of be-life that energy is “that which gives me life” and that without it, I cannot exist
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize, understand or admit to myself that the basic definition of an addict, is someone that believes that they cannot live without something that they do not in fact need and that in many cases is harmful to them and their surroundings – it is no different than my relationship to energy
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have created and existed within and as a relationship with energy within, through and as the acceptance that if I unconditionally submit myself to energy and allow energy to direct and control me, my life, my participation and my human physical body – energy will then grant me life – not seeing, realizing or understanding the absolute delusion that I have diluted myself into and as and how it is entirely in reverse as how I have accepted and allowed myself to enslave myself to, as and within energy and precisely within and because of that have not granted myself life and have in fact denied myself life through my deliberate subjecting of myself to energy, when in fact, if I allowed myself to direct myself here in and as breath in stopping all participation in energy, I can in fact direct myself in and as my human physical body, to walk out of the mind and into the physical as life
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that while I am ‘honoring’ myself as emotions, feelings and experiences simply by allowing myself to participate in and accept myself to experience and validate emotions and feelings within and as me – I am in fact dishonoring and invalidating myself as life in and as the physical – and therefore, the only way to in fact honor myself as life, is by stopping all participation in emotions and feelings and experiences as energy as the very manifestation of energy is existing within and as disservice, dishonoring and invalidation of myself as life
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to value me as life in any way what so ever – to not even recognize myself as life and as such in no way accept or allow myself to honor myself life as life and only honor myself as energy – as the very destruction of myself as life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let energy penetrate, permeate and infiltrate my entire being and living and participation in and as this world and this reality, from a decision as to whether or not I should drink coffee or eat something to anything I participate within and as and any decision I make
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to be willing to stop participating in energy through emotions and feelings and experiences and inner conflicts and friction – because I have submitted myself so extensively to the fear of stopping energy in the belief as a directive decree of who I am as be-life that energy is “that which gives me life”
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that life is that which gives me life and that I as life, am that which have given myself life and as such that by submitting and subjecting myself to energy, I have abdicated myself as life and separated myself from myself as life and have declared the delusion “life” and as such set myself on a path of complete self-destruction and depletion in insisting that the delusion is that which is giving me life and that life does not exist without energy and as such that who and what I am, is energy and not life
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every moment that I accept and allow myself to direct myself within and according to energy – through, as and within emotions, feelings and experiences, I am in fact disowning myself as life and as such diminishing myself to exist within and as a slave to energy only
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is ONLY through my acceptance and allowance that ANYTHING exist in and as this world and this reality – and that the very fact that I am not aware of this, simply shows and indicates the extent to which I have separated myself from and as such abdicated myself as life and that the only solution is that I bring myself back to the point of acceptance and allowance and through self-honesty stand myself up as self-responsible for and as myself here and all and anything that I have accepted and allowed myself in and as
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe – and in that declare a directive decree as what I allow myself to be-live – that I am less than and inferior to energy within having accepted and believed energy as “that which gives me life” and that as such is more than me and superior to me and by that very acceptance, reigns over me and that I am such a slave to energy in any and all ways
I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason I am a slave to energy, is because I have accepted myself as such – and that my acceptance and allowance is the directive principle of and as me – and that therefore I do not have to be a slave to energy and that I CAN direct myself here to step out of the mind and into the physical as life as who I am
I commit myself to investigate all points of participation that are based on energy and to expose and reveal to myself all points where I have accepted and allowed myself to live and participate in my world and my reality based on energy and to check myself in every moment of every breath to make sure that I am participating here as a physical directive of and as myself
I commit myself to support myself to stop the directive will of and as myself as the living decree of who I am as be-life that energy is “that which gives me life” and to support myself to birth myself here in and as the physical as life
I commit myself to support and assist all and anyone who as I have lived or am living according to the belief that energy is that which gives us life – to realize, see and understand as I support myself to see, realize and understand – that energy is not that which gives us life and that life is that which gives us life and that we as such are life and not energy
I commit myself to support myself to step out of the mind and into the physical and to get to know myself as life without participation in and existence as the mind – through supporting myself in breath and breathing and through writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements and through walking my Desteni I Process – assist and support myself to birth myself as life, in and as the physical
I commit myself to support myself to honor myself as life through stopping any and all participating in energy and energetic experiences of emotions, feelings and experiences and as such stabilize myself here in breath in and as the physical
Suggest to follow the blogs daily at Creation’s Journey to Life and Heaven’s Journey to Life. Join us at Desteni, where a forum is available 24/7 with support on how to write oneself out in self-honesty and where any questions regarding the Desteni Material will be answered by competent Destonians who are walking their own process. Visit the Destonian Network where videos and blogs are streamed daily. Suggest to also check out the Desteni I Process and Relationship courses for extended training and support. Walk with us in implementing an Equal Money System as a new System on Earth based on Equality as what is Best for All. Let’s Walk
Suggested reading/watching for further perspectives:
2012: Energy Dependency vs. Self-Trust
2012 System Demons 24 – Energy Demon
Day 29: The Most HORRID Disease on Earth
Day 31: The Secret of Breath
2011: The Ego Defending Backchat Demon