At War with My Man: ‘Kill or be killed’: DAY 23

May 10, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

grenade lovers At War with My Man: Kill or be killed: DAY 23I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a personality of being a “warrior” in relationships, where I, in conflicts go into an experience and state of fighting wherein and from I harden myself inside myself, sharpen my eyes and prepare myself for a verbal battle, in the perception, belief and acceptance that I must defend myself and win at all costs to not lose myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive and accept that I, in conflicts must defend myself and win at all costs to not lose myself and I within and through this have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a personality of being a “warrior”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, perceive, define and accept conflicts as battles, as wars within relationships that one can only either win or lose and that if one loses, one loses oneself and are at the mercy at the other “combatant” – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what wins, is the mind as energy and friction and that this is what I lose myself to in abdication of myself to the mind in and as fear of losing myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive, believe, define and experience and accept relationships as wars and the partners in the relationship as combatants that are enemies and against each other and a danger to each other, that can at any time attack and strike and as such accept that this is the environment that I am supposed to develop intimacy and love and compassion and thus create a split personality and perception of the relationship and the partners within it, on one hand as enemies at war and on the other hand as intimate partners

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, develop and design a specific personality as an entity that I activate and go into and become in moments where I feel and experience myself threatened, where I harden myself and my physical body, in preparing myself for battle and war and winning through verbally attacking my partner through being spiteful, degrading, demeaning, cynical, blaming and deliberately manipulating where I feel and present myself as powerful and superior, while in fact inside myself I am trembling with fear that I suppress in the belief that if I let it show I will lose myself and get hurt and powerless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perfect and fine tune the warrior/combatant personality entity through all my relationships and through experiencing and seeing how others fight and combat in relationships where they won over me, so that I can do whatever it takes to win

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have contained all the memories and information about how to best defeat an opponent in a relationship-war that I can then “flip a switch” when I perceive and experience myself threatened in a relationship and automatically become possessed by and within this personality, where I simply have to “let myself go” and let this personality that has become a part of myself take over my body and completely abdicate myself to, as and within this personality-entity in the belief, experience and acceptance that I am not able to or capable of directing myself without protecting myself through and within this personality – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have abdicated myself to fear and see that the belief and acceptance of being at war with a partner, is not real and is in fact reflecting my acceptance of myself as at war with myself, within and as having separated myself into and as parts as a physical impossibility that all believe that they are “the one” – not seeing or realizing that there is only one “one” and that we are all “it” and as such that war does not exist except for in our fear of losing ourselves – to ourselves as that which we’ve separated ourselves into and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be willing to do anything in conflicts to win and as such be willing to harm and abuse the other partner in the relationship and to within myself justify this in a self-righteous and delusional belief that they are my enemy and that if I do not “kill” them, they will “kill” me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit myself to the belief, acceptance, experience and manifestation of conflicts in relationships as being “kill or be killed” and through and within that have justified myself as self-righteous in doing anything and everything to win in the conflict, no matter the harm it might cause my partner or myself or anyone else in the vicinity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live, exist and accept myself as existing within and as survival as “kill or be killed” in all my relationships and interactions with other human beings, where I am constantly on guard and ready to activate my warrior personality, so that I can “fight for my life”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what I am fighting for as “my life” and “myself” when I allow myself to go into war with other human beings in relationships, is myself, where I fight for myself within and as fear of losing myself, in defining, experiencing and accepting myself as “a part” – as separate from others, which is in fact accepting myself as separate from myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand – or even for a moment consider the compromise, harm and abuse that I am inflicting upon my reality, my partner and myself in and as the human physical body and that I have justified doing this and not caring about who I have to hurt – because I have completely and totally committed and submitted myself to the fear of losing myself and the belief that I must fight for my survival within and as winning conflicts at ALL costs

I forgive myself that I have not in any way whatsoever cared about or considered how the other part is experiencing themselves in the conflict or even who I actually experience myself, because and within how I have completely submitted myself to fear of losing myself and the subsequent personality-entity of “battling” and “being at war”

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand the true meaning of “All is fair in love and war” where in fact love-relationships is a form of war and is accepted as war and how war is accepted in relationships as an intrinsic part of being in a relationship, even though it is tabooed and suppressed in common life as though it does not exist and in people’s perception and presentation of their relationships and of themselves in it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, immediately as I hear the other part in the relationship speak something or express something with their physical movements that can remotely be perceived and interpreted as a threat – within and as my mental database of memories of what is threatening for me as I have accepted myself as ego – I activate and go into the warrior personality of constricting myself, tensing  and straightening my shoulders and back as a soldier, tightening my lips and clenching my jaws, bare my teeth, pushing my head forward, widening my eyes and separate myself from my entire body in centering myself in this area of my body in pulling all of myself together in preparing myself to fight and defeat the other part in the conflict

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to see, realize or understand how I, through my acceptance of myself in and as war with myself within and as myself and within and as my relationships with others, manifested, created and accepted wars outside in the world-system as actual wars with actual casualties of men, women and children brutally dying and being killed in vicious and brutal ways –and how I through justifying the war within and as myself and in my relationships with others and how I experience myself self-righteous  in the belief that I must “kill or be killed” to survive and win and not lose myself – have accepted and allowed myself to justify the making of wars and the raping of women and children through wars and the brutal and viscous killing and bombing of innocent beings and the sending off of soldiers to fight and kill and be killed in the name of fear and profit – exactly as I have justified wars within and as me in the greed of wanting to win and keep myself existing as is as a part that fight to be “the one” – not realizing or accepting that I and we can live together “as one” – by stopping the wars and the fear of losing ourselves and the belief and acceptance that we are separate and “apart”.

I commit myself to stop and eradicate the warrior-personality-entity within me and the acceptance and justification of myself in and as the warrior-personality-entity through how I speak and express myself in conflicts, how I present and express my physical body

I commit myself to consider and develop care about what my acceptances and allowances of and as myself have as consequence of and effect on myself other human beings, my living environment and the world as a whole and to align myself and change myself within that, according to what is best for all

I commit myself to stop participating in conflicts from the starting-point of fear of losing myself – of believing and accepting that I can lose myself within the acceptance that I am separate from the other part in the conflict and that I must either win back or lose myself – as reflecting my own acceptance of myself as in conflict within having accepted myself as separate from, of and within myself – I stop.

When and as I see a point of conflict emerging within and as me in relation to another human being, I immediately stop. I Breathe through the experience and bring myself back here in and as the totality of my physical body. I investigate what it is of and as myself that I experience have been threatened and that I fear losing and I direct myself to look at the point in common sense. I direct myself to express and speak in common sense only once I am satisfied that I am clear.

I commit myself to expose and reveal how we as human beings accept and allow wars in the world, through the wars we accept and allow within and as ourselves and in our relationships with each other – and to expose how we justify these wars in politics as righteous exactly as we justify them within ourselves – and in that all the methods and consequences of war – through the fear of losing ourselves, through the greed of being “the one” – the one true religion, the one country, the one true people, the one gang on the turf

I commit myself to bring all parts of myself, within and as myself and within and as my relationships with others and in the global relationship of the whole world – bring to myself in and as working together to create a world and a living environment that is best for all – that is free from abuse and harm and fear – until no more parts exist and all exist within and as individualized expressions of and as the same whole

For expanded perspectives on the points brought up in this writing :

How Thoughts Bombard The Physical and Destroy Self

Radical Relationships – Is Love the Only Truth

Life Review – The strategic soldier

Life Review – A woman of War

Life Review – Growing-Up with Physical-Abuse

Life Review – Living Fear

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