Physical Pain Support (PART 1) Demolishing My Ivory Tower: DAY 15

May 2, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life

bilateral hip dysplasia dog arthritis blog Physical Pain Support (PART 1) Demolishing My Ivory Tower: DAY 15For weeks I have been experiencing pain in my left hip. Immediately when I look at the point I see the hip representing femininity, fertility and since it is the left hip, it has to do with self-expression and the “feminine” side of myself. The hip is also related to movement, the ability to move flexibly. There is furthermore a point of “weakness” in my “base structure” as indicated by the pain in the hip.

I have used a suggestion from Sunette Spies as to how to investigate the pains that come up in the human body and how they relates to points one is walking in one’s process.

1)      Allocate the pain and place a gentle pressure. If one cannot reach it oneself, one can get a partner or someone that one trusts to do it.

2)      “See” and feel within oneself if an experience or emotion comes up through the solar plexus.

3)      Investigate the back chat (as self-talk in the head) that one has been participating within. If the experience/emotion and the backchat refers to the same point, then this is the point one is working with

4)      Release the point through self-forgiveness

The main point that comes up is: “conflict”.

The points I have been looking at lately is how my writings have not been effective from the perspective, that I have not effectively lived the corrections I have prescribed for myself. In that, I have created a time-loop for myself within attempting to force myself into an application of “perfection” as an ideal – while actually not being able to “live up” to this ideal and as such have to “fall” to be able to stop – clear myself and go back and get myself again in who and what I really am.

What often happens when I face a point, is that I get angry with myself that it exists and that I have not directed it effectively in the past – and as such, instead of sitting myself down and writing it out, I have used laziness and come up with excuses not to write myself out. So I have rather wanted to remain in my delusional self-definition than actually facing myself. Through the hip I am now “calling myself out”.

There are many factors playing in with the hip – pushing myself too hard in Pilates, going into competition, abusing myself in other points – in a polarity of “too hard” and “too soft”. So these are further indicators of the same point: not effectively nurturing myself. Not being patient with myself.

So why am I not being patient with myself?

I am not being patient with myself because I am not satisfied with my application. I think that I should push harder, push more, do more – be better. I think that I should get more satisfaction out of sex, that I should lose weight from Pilates, that I should be able to do it all in one day. I think that it is too hard and that I am allowed to lax and “let go”.

As I am writing this, I experience a stinging pain in my hip – so that is a cool sign: I am on the spot. The pain activated specifically in relation to the word “should.”

I live the word ‘should’ in a battle with myself – a battle between the lazy side of myself and the pushing, militant side. ‘Should’ is an indication that I am walking for something/someone else – in separation of and from myself. This is thus a polarity relationship in and between which I live and exist, polarized and energized. And the hip is what is taking the toll on this. The physical hip is being harmed through my pulling and pushing between these sides of myself.

So patience is realizing that we are in a time-space reality and that what and who is here as me is what I can direct. I cannot direct myself according to ideals/ideas/sins/desires/fears or “should’s”.

“Patience – Patience is a movement of self, it is standing within the center of self/self’s beingness holding existence within self as the beacon, the pillar of/as self and within that equal and one stand as and with existence self-know: what I speak, how I live and as I lead – the certainty of who I am as existence is here as me, and I walk in every moment with/as breath as this certainty that is trust of me as existence: that I remain, that I stand and whatever shall come to pass – we’ll be here. Patience is thus the certainty of self’s trust in who self is and knowing/living that what we walk for/as existence will stand/remain as self – whatever the outcome may be for all.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

So – the words I am looking at here are:  Hip, Laziness, Should and Patience.

The hip is the physical manifestation of this point – where the abuse becomes evident and brought to the forefront. It should not have to be like that, that a pain or a point of abuse has to manifest before we are willing to direct ourselves. In this is both the word “should” again – but also a point of self-correction, to, when it is clear that I am not satisfied, that I am suppressing this and such experiences, that I do not just ignore it or write it off as “training ache” but actually bring myself to a point of direction and realization. It is no different in the big picture of the world-system and the pain and suffering that exists as the manifested consequence of our self-abdication.

So here I can see that it is indeed about a point where I am “out of balance” – but even balance in itself signifies that there is a constant weighing between two points, through which an ‘equilibrium’ must be maintained, which is the motion of swinging from polarities. Then I am lazy and then I push myself too hard. Then I overdo something in ego and competition and then I give up on myself and feel useless.  As I saw myself participating in back chat of being judged by someone and at the same time saw how I was projecting my own self-judgment onto them and in turn judged them, I also experienced a sharp pain in my hip. I can see how I judge back chat, thoughts and the mind in general which shows me that I have not gotten it, from the perspective of reconciling myself with the fact that backchat is who and what I have allowed myself to become and thus not something I can claim that I am not. In fact I require embracing myself to forgive myself in self-honesty and take self-responsibility.

The HIP 

“The hip joint, scientifically referred to as the acetabulofemoral joint (art. coxae), is the joint between the femur and acetabulum of the pelvis and its primary function is to support the weight of the body in both static (e.g. standing) and dynamic (e.g. walking or running) postures. The hip joints are the most important part in retaining balance. The pelvic inclination angle, which is the single most important element of human body posture, is adjusted at the hips.”[1]

Dictionary definition:

hip1

n   noun

1   a projection of the pelvis and upper thigh bone on each side of the body. Ø(hips) the circumference of the body at the buttocks.

2   the edge formed where two sloping sides of a roof meet.

PHRASES

be joined at the hip informal (of two people) be inseparable.

The words that stand out (I wrote: “up”) – lol – the words that stand up, or the words with which I direct myself in, as and through the hip are “projection”, “edge” and “joined” – so “who I am” in what I referred to previously is largely defined through a projection, where I am not moving or acting Here as myself, but always in a relationship in my mind towards something or someone, even myself. The consequence of this, is that I am living “on the edge”, meaning for example living “on the edge” of my physical capacities, always trying to balance out the two parts of me, the “too much” and the “too little” – through which I have formed and created an unnatural “equilibrium” – a balance that at any point can tip and switch from one to another, where no really stability is here, because I am not here directing myself in, into and as stability – but instead being preoccupied with projections. “Joined” at the hip refers to two people that are inseparable which here refers to the two polarity points in the relationship through which I exist. But it is also “joint” as that point which is the joining together of parts – which is obviously indicated in its reverse of being at war with oneself.

Etymology:

hip (n.1)

“part of the body where pelvis and thigh join,” O.E. hype “hip,” from P.Gmc. *hupiz (cf. Du. heup, Ger. Hüfte, Goth. hups “hip”), from PIE *qeub- “to bend.” Hip of a roof is from late 17c.

Through the hip, we can bend the body, turn the body, carry the meat of the body and the skeleton as well as provide stability in the entire physical. The hip is thus an important part of an effective living as a human being. If the hip is out of whack – lol – the rest of the body suffers. The body must also currently carry the mind that as a heavy shadow of memories, energy and information invades the physical that is forced to carry more weight than it is designed to.

So – the hip is responsible for bending. The first point I saw in relation to this was “flexibility”. Another point I saw was the ability to bend down and stand up when needed and this is interesting in relation to the point that has emerged here, because this point exactly shows how I am inflexible in my ability to “relax” and “bend” and to conversely “stand up” when required as something I simply do – as automated as we move the body – as required. I have however created an artificial version of this in separating myself from myself as “stability”, “flexibility” and “balance”. Even in writing this I wanted to simply write “separating myself from stability” – which indicates that I actively don’t accept or recognize myself as stability. So in this artificial “equilibrium” I must spend lots of energy maintaining a “balance” that because it is not real balance, a natural balance, must constantly be adjusted. I lax and then I become angry at myself and force myself to “do what is required to be done” – but in that, in both points, I am not here, I am not considering what is best for all from a starting-point of self – I am instead looking from within a fight with myself where I see, perceive, experience and accept myself as the “lax” “sinner” and try to become and live up to the “saint” as a stipulate that has been created by someone else, outside separate from me. “If you do not become a good girl, you cannot participate.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself according and in relation to the word “should” as a point of direction based in, of and as separation of and from myself

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from walking principled within and as what is best for all, through seeing that I “should” do “what is best” – though actually stating and accepting that I am not already that which is best and that I have to force what is best onto myself – while I am in fact suppressing myself and creating an inner war, because I am not being self-honest about who I am, as who I have allowed myself to be and instead have accepted myself as a follower, following a principle that I am in fact not standing by within and as myself

 

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that there is a  “weakness” in my “base structure” as indicated by the pain in the hip showing me that I am out of balance

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the points I am not walking effectively within and according to what is best for all, indicates that there is a weakness in my foundation – as my base structure and starting-point in who and what I accept myself as and what I accept and allow myself to participate within and as – where I am allowing myself to live self-dishonestly, in self-delusion and deception as self-interest and as such in abuse of myself as life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the points that I am not walking effectively within and according to what is best for all, cannot be changed by me attempting to force myself through the word “should” as imposed external morality, in which I separate myself and create a polarity relationship – but only by me facing myself in self-honesty as “who I am” and take self-responsibility for who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to write out specifically the immediate points I am facing and that I instead have attempted to walk points that I had not yet aligned myself to and as such have created a separation in which I have created a time-loop for myself in and as self-denial and self-dishonesty about who and what I am that could only fall, so that I could walk back to where I left myself and thus start over – which had been unnecessary, had I only walked the points at hand instead of attempting to align myself to an ideal in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to force myself into an application of perfection as an ideal while actually not being able to “live up” to this ideal and as such have to “fall” to be able to stop – clear myself and go back and get myself again in who and what I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and experience anger, judgment and self-blame when I see who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be, become and exist as, as self-abuse, abuse, greed and deception and as such, instead of sitting myself down and writing it out, have used laziness as self-suppression and come up with excuses not to write myself out and face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather want to remain in my delusional self-definition as an ideal in my mind than actually face myself in self-honesty and as such create a time-loop of self-deception and delusion that I have to walk through and fall within and create manifested consequences for me to face myself through, so that I can get back to the exact point I separated myself from, into and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through my self-abdication and deliberate self-denial have accepted and allowed myself to make it necessary for myself to manifest pain as consequence in order to “call myself out” thus allowing myself to abuse the body instead of simply having faced myself directly and immediately and as such walked through the point directly

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as a polarity relationship and within that a fake equilibrium of pushing myself too hard and too little and as such exist in a constant energetic tension as a war within and between parts of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to nurture myself effectively – in any way what so ever and that I in fact have accepted and allowed myself to neglect and disregard myself in any and all way, only caring about that which took me away from here, through which I could suppress myself and dilute myself into a mental reality in my mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a constant equilibrating polarity relationship between “too hard” and “too soft” wherein and from I have attempted to move myself to only one polarity – as what I perceive and believe I “should” do and be, not realizing or admitting to myself that polarities can only exist in a relationship and that if I am not living something as myself consistently, then the point has to do with my starting-point as who and what I allow myself to be, live and exist as and that until I bring this back to myself in self-honesty, I will continue looping between polarities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as thoughts as self-talk that I should push harder, push more, do more – be better.  That I think that I should get more satisfaction out of sex, that I should lose weight from Pilates, that I should be able to do it all in one day. That I think that it is too hard and that I am allowed to lax and “let go”.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that the only way I can exist within and as a war with myself against “sinning” and “temptations” – is if I am allowing myself to be directed by, with and as the mind – in abdication of myself here as the directive principle as what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should push harder, push more, do more – be better and as such confirm the starting-point that I have accepted for and as myself: that I am flawed, lacking, missing out on and not good enough and compound this self-acceptance by forcing it into actual manifestation through my constant and continuous application according to it – where I have eventually accepted and allowed myself to in fact be and become “lacking” as in not giving myself to myself the self-respect and dignity to stand up for what is best for all as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I should get more satisfaction out of sex, that I should lose weight from Pilates, that I should be able to do it all in one day and as such direct myself according to a condition of “should” as a belief and assumption that I have abdicated myself into and as, as an external point of reference that I have related myself to in and as separation of and from myself – because I don’t stand in self-trust in a clear starting-point and foundation of self-direction of who and what I will accept or allow myself to be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is too hard and that I am allowed to lax and “let go” and as such allow myself to manipulate, deceive and lie to myself to not have to face myself and as such change myself and take self-responsibility and give up that which I have defined as valuable and as who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word ‘should’ in and as a battle with myself – a battle between the lazy side of myself and the pushing, militant side – which is actually in insisting on separating myself from myself in not bringing the point of direction back to myself in and as self-responsibility and instead having projected my self-direction onto a point/person/principle outside separate from ,that I, because I see myself separate from it, have allowed myself to justify “not living up to” and as such deceive myself into accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and everyone else so that I can continue living in self-interest

I forgive myself that I, through attempting to live according to the word “should” as a point of direction outside separate from me, as a moral guideline to what is acceptable and not, have accepted and allowed myself to walk for something/someone else – in separation of and from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the hip to take the toll on my accepted and allowed self-abdication and as such allow the physical hip to be harmed and abused through my pulling and pushing between these sides of myself and as such having accepted and allowed myself to abuse and harm the hip in my attempt to create an artificial balance as equilibrium – instead of pushing myself to stand here consistently in self-trust directing myself in and as what is best for all as an expression of myself as who and have I accepted and allowed myself to be and live as.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to realize that I exist in a time-space reality and that what and who is here as me in each moment,  is what I can direct and that I cannot direct myself according to ideals/ideas/sins/desires/fears or “should’s” – because that is then not me directing me in fact.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to patiently develop a principled foundation as the starting-point in and from which I walk and participate in my world and my reality and that I instead have accepted and allowed myself to create an ivory tower in my mind, that was not based on a foundation of all and that therefore had to fall and that I then had to build up again and again every time it fell because I refused to realize the truth of myself – that I had no foundation at all and that I can only create myself as an effective home, by creating a solid foundation which I only can create once I have removed the rubble from all the ivory towers I have attempted to build myself into and as and on top of each other

“Patience – Patience is a movement of self, it is standing within the center of self/self’s beingness holding existence within self as the beacon, the pillar of/as self and within that equal and one stand as and with existence self-know: what I speak, how I live and as I lead – the certainty of who I am as existence is here as me, and I walk in every moment with/as breath as this certainty that is trust of me as existence: that I remain, that I stand and whatever shall come to pass – we’ll be here. Patience is thus the certainty of self’s trust in who self is and knowing/living that what we walk for/as existence will stand/remain as self – whatever the outcome may be for all.” – Sunette Destonian Spies

The hip is the physical manifestation of this point – where the abuse becomes evident and brought to the forefront. It should not have to be like that, that a pain or a point of abuse has to manifest before we are willing to direct ourselves. In this is both the word “should” again – but also a point of self-correction, to, when it is clear that I am not satisfied, that I am suppressing this and such experiences, that I do not just ignore it or write it off as “training ache” but actually bring myself to a point of direction and realization. It is no different in the big picture of the world-system and the pain and suffering that exists as the manifested consequence of our self-abdication.

So here I can see that it is indeed about a point where I am “out of balance” – but even balance in itself signifies that there is a constant weighing between two points, through which an ‘equilibrium’ must be maintained, which is the motion of swinging from polarities. Then I am lazy and then I push myself too hard. Then I overdo something in ego and competition and then I give up on myself and feel useless.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted or allowed myself to move myself here but always in a relationship in my mind towards something or someone, even myself – thus as parts relating to each other, which essentially is a form of a war, because these parts are me as one and as such there can only be one, one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to balance out the two parts of me, the “too much” and the “too little” – through which I have formed and created an unnatural “equilibrium” – a balance that at any point can tip and switch from one to another, where no really stability is here, because I am not here directing myself in, into and as stability – but instead being preoccupied with projections.

(To be continued)
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[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hip