April 16, 2012 in Anna's Journey to Life
Here I am looking at pretentiousness as myself, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, expose, open and share myself in and as pretentiousness and look at how pretentiousness exist in and as this reality. I walk through this writing in showing an sharing how one can open a pattern up for oneself by looking at the layers that are existing within the definitions of the word and what is thereby revealed as a part of self, that self has existed self as.
This is an absolute vital point for me to walk through, as it is through pretentiousness that I have been hiding from myself and from the world as well as having compromised myself. I experience resistance to exposing and opening this point up which is awesome – because that means that this is exactly THE point that is here to be faced, by me, as me, in me. I cannot deny it. It is fascinating that facing oneself can only be facing what is in fact HERE, not what one wishes to be here or what one denies being here. And that is exactly what the purpose of pretentiousness is: to pretend that one is something that one is not. Thus that is what I direct myself to expose myself in and as here.
Current allocation of the word (how I understand the word exists in the world):
Pretentious. Someone that boasts themselves, arrogance, someone that is ridiculous and a laughing stock for blowing themselves up. Pretentious is also seen as someone that thinks they are more than what they are. But actually they are merely pretending, and as such they do in fact know. To be pretentious is looked down upon. It is shameful and embarrassing.
adjective attempting to impress by affecting greater importance or merit than is actually possessed.
1 act so as to make it appear that something is the case when in fact it is not. engage in an imaginative game or fantasy. simulate (an emotion or quality).
2 (pretend to) lay claim to (a quality or title).
adjective informal imaginary; make-believe.
late 14c., “to profess, assert, maintain” (a claim, etc.), “to direct (one’s) efforts,” from O.Fr. pretendre “to lay claim,” from L. praetendere “stretch in front, put forward, allege,” from prae “before” (see pre-) + tendere “to stretch,” from PIE root *ten- “to stretch” (see tend). Main modern sense of “feign, put forward a false claim” is recorded from c.1400; the older sense of simply “to claim” is behind the string of royal pretenders (1690s) in English history. Meaning “to play, make believe” is recorded from 1865.
SOUNDING (in investigating the sounding of the word, I can assist myself to see definitions and associations that not necessarily are conscious or obvious as how the word is existing resonantly within me):
Let’s have a look at how does pretentiousness exist in the world. The first point that comes to mind, is how women will get plastic surgery done, to create the false image of themselves as more than who and what they are here, yet within that not in fact see that they are diminishing themselves and actually accepting themselves as less than who and what they are here, BY attempting to become more, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that one’s starting-point of being less than is not real. So that is a cue as well. That it is within attempting to be more than who I am that I have in fact accepted myself as less, stretching myself into the future – lol – literally through Botox and silicone, instead of facing myself here and looking at whether what I accept myself as, what I believe and accept myself as, is even real.
Another point in the same notion is photo shopping of images of women that exist as a total and global point of deception, where everyone believes and pretends that this is in fact how women look like and how we are all supposed to look – not realizing that it is fake and unrealistic. In fact our entire world and reality is created upon make-belief, the belief that the world is order, the belief that there is love in the world, the belief that a loving god knows what he is doing, the belief that family is good and loving. All of these are examples of pretentiousness, where we pretend to be more than what we are, not facing ourselves as what is here and thereby giving ourselves the opportunity to face ourselves and ask ourselves whether what we are living is who we really are. So it is time to stop the pretending, to attempting to stretch ourselves into the future, into imaginary heavens or careers or how everything will suddenly change for the better without us actually taking the practical steps required to manifest and create a future for ourselves that is here once we get to it. That is exactly the point – the future is not here. We can only direct the future to become what is best for all, by walking the required steps here, until the future we are directing ourselves into, is here.
So it is the fantasy that ties us, the make-belief that we tie ourselves to, as we exist in a tension field between the past and the future. It is the short-cuts we use to create happy endings for ourselves in the mind that we attempt to fit ourselves into and as, the pretense we use to hide ourselves from ourselves.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH AND IN THE PATTERN OF PRETENTIOUSNESS
The reason why this word and application came up is because I had written an entire writing and as I was writing it, something did not ”sit right”. I realized that I was accessing a pattern of pretentiousness – which means that I was not real. I was not writing for me. I was attempting to write as something/someone that I am not. So I am going to be straight with myself here – and start over. After all, that is what we are here to do. It is interesting, because now that I look at it, it is actually a perfect carry-through from yesterday’s writing – and however much I want to write about ‘grand’, ‘existential’ points (not to say that this is not existential) – this is what is here.
The obvious definition of pretentiousness is to make oneself more than what one is, through presenting a false image of self to the world and to oneself in one’s own mind. I have written extensively about this point for myself previously, but I have continued living it and as much as this is the real deal – the actuality of who and what I have allowed myself to be and become, it exactly reveals that I in my participation in my reality has not been real. So – how to be real? How to open up this point in depth so that I can walk through it and actually real-eyes myself, so that I live here for real, so that I stand here for real, so that the words I speak are real? That is what I am here to give myself the opportunity and gift to explore and develop.
So, what I am looking at here is the following: since I have written extensively about this pattern, why am I still living it? What is it I have allowed myself to miss?
So – let’s have a look at the definitions that came up:
“False claim” – is not only pretending to be someone one is not, but also claiming that one is someone that one is not, thus creating a false presentation for the world to see.
“Engage in an imaginary game or fantasy” – thus not being here, being physical, and walking physically here with and as self – existing instead as a “make-believe” as: “If I make myself and another’s believe it enough, it will become real”
It is interesting that one of the original definitions is simply to “make a claim” or “assert” something. So – the problem arises with the “before” – meaning to act as something one has not yet stood as, as an equal – which makes it make-belief and not real and thus imaginary. The same is true for “stretching” a point or oneself, because it is an act where one forces one’s inner mental reality onto the physical world – to “put forward a false claim” is exactly the same.
Now in the original sense of the word pretentious of “before” combined with “stretch” – it is quite interesting, so I am in fact, through participating in the mind in a make-belief idea of myself stretching myself into the future, “before time” in trying to be/become/live something that I have not yet stood equal as.
So why have I not changed this pattern?
1) Because I still believe that this is the way to ‘make oneself more than one is’
2) Because this is how I have ‘always’ lived and the only way I ‘know’ how to live
3) Because within letting it go I have no choice but to face myself here and I don’t like or accept myself here
4) 4) Because I am not who I thought I was – thus revealing that I am defining myself according to a thought about “who I am” – thus existing in and as a point of pretense, in the very manifestation of “before” and “stretch”.
So because this is the only way I have known how to live – something that I have applied extensive self-forgiveness for on various layers of the pattern, the question of supporting myself to a practical solution is: what do I put in place of pretentiousness, of instead of pretending I am something that I am not, instead of existing as a make-belief, made up by beliefs, instead of stretching myself into the future, by seeing what I could be and then attempting to bring that here as myself now, without actually walking the required steps to become it in fact?
The solution is that I walk with and as what is here as myself in humbleness to the very fact that this here, whatever that is, in every moment of every breath, is what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – to face and stand within the reality of myself as who and what I am here – to not move away from what is here, but to walk in accountability for what is here, to in-fact change myself through deconstructing the beliefs I have created myself into and as. It also means identifying exactly how I create, manifest and participate in the pattern of “before” and “stretching” of myself, through which I separate myself from myself here.
The question I am asking myself is the following: what will it take for me to let go of the pretense, the false image, the stretching of myself into the future, in walking something prematurely and thereby separating myself from myself here as well as denying responsibility for who and what I in fact am living in and as here? How do I stop pretending that I am someone that I am not?
By accepting what is here and by committing myself to change and stop that of and as me that is not acceptable or best for all. I can only do that by facing myself.
Thus this is a journey to humbleness. To point zero. Yet it can also be equally pretentious to pretend that one does not know or that one is unable to walk the correction. So it is a matter of stopping all pretenses. How to stop pretending, is thus by facing and facing up to what is here as myself. And I start over in humbleness. Facing self also means stop denying and this is probably one of the most important points of practical implementation and self-support, to self-will myself to face all and everything of and as me, as what I have accepted and allowed within and as myself. I experience shame towards exposing this point for myself however here is no turning back or denying it. This is it. It is a stop. So I stop.
(Here I redefine the word to stand within a definition of what is best for all that holds no positive or negative charge but is simply expressing a physical application)
To pretend is to directively in awareness act as something that one is currently not physically (or yet) manifested as.
It can be cool and fun to play pretend, as long as one does it in full awareness and without hiding from self in pretending to be something separate from self
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as pretentiousness as pretending that I am something that I am not, so as to not have to face myself here and in attempting to stretch myself into the future
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am something that I am not, as more than who and what I am here and within that separate myself from myself here and deny the reality of me as well as abdicate myself and my opportunity to realize myself and change myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could pretend my way to creating a perfect reality and a perfect personality, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that I was existing in a delusion in my mind, that I believed I could force onto physical reality and make-real while all along it was a make-belief fantasy, as I was separating myself from myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I pretended to be more than who and what I am here, I would eventually become it, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in the very definition of pretend, I am lying to myself, deceiving myself and separating myself from myself here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a pretentious image and definition of myself in my mind of and as being more than who and what I am here, not seeing, realizing and understanding that I within that, am separating myself from myself here into and as self-deception and denying myself the opportunity to face myself in self-honesty and actually stand up as life
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I within existing in vanity, as pretending to be more than who and what I am here, have existed in vain as my pretense could never be real as it was the very definition of make-belief as self-deception and delusion
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to face and realize myself in self-honesty, by and within allowing myself to pretend that I am something/someone that I am not
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience shame and embarrassment towards opening up the point of pretentiousness, as how I have lived and existed in the make-belief that I am more than who and what I am here
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this entire world and reality as we as humans have created it upon the earth, is build up from pretentiousness, from pretending (and insisting) that we are something/someone that we are not, and within that compromise, disregard and separate ourselves from what is here as this physical reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and experience sadness and sorrow towards giving up and letting go of myself as pretentiousness and make-belief, within seeing, realizing and understanding that what I face myself as without pretending to be something/someone that I am not, as more than who and what I am here, is not who I want to be or like to be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create, manifest and participate within and as creating a reality and world upon this earth based on pretense, as pretending that what is here, is something more than what it is, that who we are here is more than who we are and within that abandon, disregard and separate ourselves from the physical as ourselves
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the reason I experience resistance, sadness and sorrow towards giving up and letting go of myself as pretentiousness and as make-belief, is because I am then faced with the truth and reality of myself, as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and within that have brought myself to the point of no return, where I can no longer deny what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become and live and exist as – and as such am committing myself to a process of walking the exposure and purification of myself as who and what I have accepted myself in and as, until I have removed and deconstructed all points of pretense, deception and make-belief that I have deceived myself into believing and accepting to be true and real
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by submitting myself to make-belief, in the attempt to make my self-deception real, I have compromised, disregarded and diminished myself here as who and what I in fact am
See – for example when women getting plastic surgery to look good, there is somewhat a consensus that what they are doing is empowering themselves – but in their submission to the desire to make themselves better and more and the living out of that desire in the extreme, they have compromised their human physical bodies and they have given in to exactly that which they wanted to change, that they were not satisfied with themselves, that they defined themselves according to how they look and how men will find them attractive, that this is what they based their self-worth upon – and as such they have denied themselves the opportunity to in fact realize that their lack of self-worth was not real. They have denied themselves the opportunity to get to know themselves, become intimate with themselves and realize that they are not less than – and can thus not be more than, who and what they are here. Thus by giving into the deceptive belief that it is possible to become more than, they have in fact solidified their acceptance of themselves as less than, which is why many of these women can’t stop getting plastic surgery – because no matter how hard they try, they cannot become more than who they are. And therefore, the only possible solution is to first face ourselves in the self-honesty of how we have accepted ourselves as lacking and in that have disregarded and in fact discarded ourselves as life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in beliefs, faith, feelings, positive affirmations, positive self-talk, self-comforting so as to convince myself that my internal make-belief version of reality and self-definition is real and thereby and within that, uphold and participate in the total self-deception of humanity that is preventing us from seeing what is here, as who and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept and submit myself to the premise that in order to live and exist in this world and reality, one has to pretend that one is something that one is not, one has to make-believe that one is more than who and what one is here, to not risk exposure of who one really is and in that risk being exclude and excommunicated from society and form the opportunity to go to heaven
I forgive myself that I, by accepting and allowing myself to accept and submit myself to the premise that in order to live and exist in this world and reality, one has to pretend that one is something that one is not, one has to make-believe that one is more than who and what one is here, have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself enslaved in self-deception and to within that allow the totality of abuse and suffering on this planet, for billions of beings, to be ignored, disregarded and deliberately suppressed and thus continued indefinitely
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, see and understand the consequences of my acceptance of myself as pretense, of my acceptance of myself in and as the acceptance of the belief that to exist and live in this world and reality, I have to pretend that I am something I am not, that I am more than who and what I in fact am here – and that I must at all costs keep the true nature of myself hidden from myself and from the world and suppress my true nature that I have accepted and perceived as a threat to my survival
I forgive myself that I, within accepting the premise that I have to pretend that I am something I am not, that I am more than who and what I am here, have accepted myself to suppress, deny and hide my true nature from myself and within that having denied myself the opportunity of realizing myself as life, as who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist
I forgive myself that I within, having accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as inferior and as a threat to my own survival, have accepted and allowed myself to accept and to submit myself to pretending that I am something that I am not, that I am more than who and what I am here and as such having solidified and compounded the acceptance of myself as inferior and as a threat and thereby having enslaved myself to suppress myself and exist in secrecy, in hiding in my own mind
I forgive myself that I not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand, that the only way I could keep my true nature, as who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to exist, hidden and secret, was by creating a make-belief reality and self-definition and to make myself believe that it was real, and through the power of “two or more in my name”, force this make-belief in and onto the physical existence here, as this human physical body, as the world that I have created upon the earth, as my entire sensory perception of what the world is, what nature is, what the universe is, what existence is and what I am here
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I within my acceptance of myself in and as and submission to make-belief as pretentiousness, am directly responsible for this entire world existing in and as make-belief in pretending that the world is good, that there is a good and loving god, that nature is beautiful, that the human is inherently good, that the world is in order – and as such am equally responsible for the acceptance, allowance, existence and continuous perpetuation of deliberate abuse and suffering into and as the utmost extreme upon the lives and bodies of billions of life-forms
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the impact of my personal, individual living out of pretentiousness, of creating the make-belief that I am more than who and what I am here, has had on this entire existence – in the delusion that I have created and manifested myself into and as, as polarity, of on the one hand believe that I am entirely insignificant and as such not responsible for the world or any manifestation or creation in or upon the world, and on the other the complete self-infatuation of seeing and perceiving myself as the center of the universe, by engulfing myself and in-capsuling myself in the pursuit of personal happiness and accomplishment, in making my entire living a matter of making myself more than who and what I am here
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is physically impossible to make myself more than what I am here, as who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist – and such, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame, project and hold “life” and “the physical” responsible for my acceptance of myself in and as the make-belief that I am less than who and what I am here
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand the mathematical equation, as the structural manifestation and creation of myself into and as polarities of lack and filling, of more and less, of inferior and superior, of good and bad – in understanding that it is only within already having accepted and solidified myself into and as the physical as less than who and what I in fact am, that I have created and manifested the drive to become more and as such I realize, see and understand, that I can only stop the drive to attempt to become more in and as a total self-delusion and deception, by facing how and why and as who I have created, manifested and solidified myself as less than who and what I am here, as that is and has always been the starting-point of my drive to become more – this also means, that I initially will have to face myself as that “less than” – as the fact that I have in fact manifested and created myself into and as a lesser creation, that I, in spite of it being delusional and deceptive, have forced into physical manifestation as how I live and exist and breathe here on this earth and in this human physical body, totally unaware of myself as the physical, in complete enslavement to and within and in abdication to the mind as the very manifestation of the superiority as authority of the inferiority as self-separation that I have created and manifested myself into and as
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand, that it is physically impossible to exist as more or less than what is here – and that because of this, the solution to me stopping living as more or less than what is here, as who I am – lies not within attempting to make myself more or in hiding that I am less – but in understanding, seeing and realizing the authority of my creatorship, with which I have forced a delusion and an illusion into and as the physical reality, as who I am, and that by accepting as real, I have abdicated myself to it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to saturate my entire being and beingness as I live and participate in this world and reality, with pretentiousness, from the voice tonalities that I employ to present and perceive myself as sweet and “good-natured” and kind and empathic, to the words I use to present and perceive myself as eloquent, intelligent and in control of myself, to how I move myself in my total participation – to at all times keep the true nature of myself, the reality of who and what and how I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist, secret and hidden from myself and from the world
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create and design manifestations with the purpose of ensuring that who I really am, is kept secret, hidden and unrevealed to the world and to myself as an individual by devising schemes and mechanisms and physical manifestations of deceit – manifested in this world as make-up, photo shopped images that I pretend and present as real, of artificial coloring that I inject into the food, into the plants, into the water, into my skin, so as to create the optical illusion of health, of perfection, of beauty, of medicine I create to keep the reality of myself suppressed and sedated, to create entire networks through advertisement and media that I use to manipulate myself with, to enforce the belief in and acceptance of the delusion, illusion and acceptance of myself as real, in check, of relationship networks and norms, wherein I present a false image of myself in families, and love-lives, and sex-lives and in parenting and in jobs and in political and commercial relations and in my relationship with animals and with the earth – as I have enslaved it to exist at my beg and call, forcing it to bow down to my insistence of deceiving myself into believing that what I have created, is good, is in order, is under control – while in fact I have allowed myself to completely and entirely abdicate my own responsibility as the creator of myself in and as this world and reality.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I cannot face and change the acceptance of myself as existing in and as pretentiousness, without facing the entirety of the consequences of my acceptance and allowance as enforcing my insistence on keeping the true nature of myself secret, while existing in a make-belief reality in my mind about who I am and what the world is and is existing as and consisting of
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand, that I cannot change myself – that I cannot stand up as life as the physical, without facing myself in and as the acceptance, responsibility, creation and consequence of having allowed myself to enforce a make-belief reality of myself onto this here physical earth and onto this here physical human body and as such understand that only by directing myself in absolute self-honesty with open eyes as to seeing, realizing and understanding what I have in fact accepted and allowed myself to create, can I begin the process of changing myself
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every time I allow myself to pretend that I am and present myself as something that I am not, every time and in every moment I pretend that I am and present myself as more than who and what I am as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and manifest and created myself into and as, I allow suffering to continue, I allow abuse to continue, I allow myself to abdicate self-responsibility and to in fact abandon and disregard and spite myself here as life and as such accept myself as less than life – as less than the life I could be, if I allowed myself to face myself in and as self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself within and as the simplicity of understanding, seeing and realizing that the reason why I have created myself into and as pretentiousness, as make-belief – where so as to not face the reality of me and as such I realize that the more I have perpetuated this delusion, deception and make-belief as, I have in fact compounded the reality of myself that I refused to face, in being literally in my own face, yet refusing to see myself and take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the only reason why I exist as less than life, why I exist as less than what I could be as Life, as living what is best for all, as living the practical amalgamation of myself as the parts that I have separated myself into and as, as the representation of my experience and acceptance of myself as “lacking”, as “less than” – is because I have deliberately separated myself from myself in and from a single moment that within a snowball of cause and effect compounded consequence and that I will keep facing and walking into and living that consequential outflow until I stop – and face myself – and realize that I am not separate and that I am responsible for enforcing separation into existence through my very self-will and self-direction and authority as creator.
So – my question to myself is: How will I walk from here? How will I live based on this realization of how and why and as whom I have accepted and allowed myself to live in and as pretentiousness?
SELF-CORRECTIVE APPLICATION AND COMMITMENT
I see, that I require to connect the existential and total manifestation of this pattern of make-belief as the acceptance and perpetuation of self-abdication to my practical physical living here and the practical physical process of walking myself out of the mind and into the physical.
Therefore, I must expose and identity all the outflow patterns within which I live pretentiousness and make-belief as that is where the process of unraveling myself as the totality of my acceptance and allowance of myself as pretentiousness and make-belief starts: with myself here. As I have identified, the basic nature of the pattern of and as pretentiousness is self-deception and self-separation.
Thus, the immediate solution to stopping pretending and separating myself from myself is self-honesty, is in every moment directing myself to walk out of the mind and into the physical.
The solution is thus directing myself here in and as breath, directing myself back to breath when and as I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind, as the very manifestation of the drive of myself as self-deception and pretense.
The solution is brutal self-honesty – which means that I commit myself to give up and let go of all beliefs and definitions and images about who I am, about what the world is – and to within that push myself and will myself and direct myself to see and realize what is here. Because I realize, that if I do not do that, I will compound the urgency of facing myself by creating and manifesting continuous consequences to show myself that I am here and who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become – and that is simply un necessary, when I do in fact have the tools, the self-support and the ability to face, direct and take responsibility for myself here.
I bring myself back to the basic definition of pretentiousness as the “before” and “stretching” of myself – as a pattern that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and exist within and as. The basic play out of this pattern takes place in my participation in thoughts, in energy and in the subsequent accordance in my physical living application
I see and realize and understand that the unraveling of myself as pretense and make-belief is multi-layered as I virtually – which means in reality – have participated in this pattern in all and every part of my participation in my world and my reality. Therefore I do not expect myself to simply “get rid of” this pattern – but instead realize that as I have written these words and spoken them out loud for myself I have and I am making the commitment to expose, identify, stop and take responsibility for all the ways and all the layers through which this pattern is manifested.
I therefore make the living commitment to be aware of this pattern and this tendency of placing myself in an application and a living before I have walked the required and necessary steps to actually walk myself into completion – and so when and a I see that I am participating in future projections in thoughts and self-talk and in talking out loud and in writing – I stop. And I re-commit myself to the commitment I have made here to stop existing in and as make-belief.
When and as I see, that my participation, my words, thoughts or deeds are based on pretending that I am something that I am not, that I am more than who and what I am here, I stop. I investigate in self-honesty, in self-intimacy what it is of and as me, that I have accepted as less than who and what I could be, as what is best for all, as life in and as the physical – and as such I commit myself to face myself in self-honesty and to stand self-correcting in taking responsibility for who and how and why I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as less than what is best for all life equal and one.
I realize and see and understand that the “stretching” of myself is the manifestation of separating myself from myself here, in and as the physical – that it is engaging in and pre-occupying myself in and with a projection of myself into the future, whether through thoughts or through an energetic drive.
When and as I see, that I am stretching myself in a delusion (as I cannot physically stretch myself into the future) of driving myself into the future, to attempt to become more than who and what I am here, to pretend that I am more than who and what I am here – either through thoughts about the future, be that near or far, or through participating in an energetic drive, where I rush myself and thereby shift myself, my awareness into the future, instead of remaining here – I stop. I stop. I support myself through breathing directively in awareness, in breathing myself here, by slowing down and bringing myself back into the physical, back into the human physical body and the physical environment that I am within.
I realize that in deconstructing myself as the make-belief that I have created, manifested and accepted myself into and as, is not simply about then in fact accepting myself as more than who I am here, as that would be recycling in the exact pattern that I have committed myself to stop. Therefore I realize, I see and I understand that I must face myself and all parts of myself in self-honesty and through self-responsibility change and correct myself – to enable myself to live in a way, and as a being, as a human being, that in fact, live and stand for and as what is best for all life.
So I realize that it is not about replacing my acceptance of myself in and as “moreness” or “lesssness” with a notion of being “good enough” – but by employing the physical, practical application of facing myself in self-honesty, through writing, through speaking and through supporting myself in every moment of every breath to stand, that I am initiating myself to re-create myself as self-awareness, as self-integrity, as self-expression, as self-directedness, as self-respect – not as a compensation, feeling or experience – but as living statement of self-direction of who and what I will accept and allow myself to be and live as, as the absolute embracing of myself in the responsibility of standing in awareness as the creator and thus as the principle that directs and determines what is here as Life.
I thus commit myself to direct myself in a process of living the commitment of not accepting myself as anything less than the absolute perfection of what Life can be and become.
I commit myself to stand and live in humbleness as the direct facing, seeing and embracing myself in self-honesty and self-responsibility.