April 13, 2012 in Anna's Process Blog
Since I was a small child, I enjoyed writing. As soon as I learned to write, I started keeping a journal and I wrote more or less every day until my teenage years. I wanted to become a writer and then a journalist, because writing has been a point of absolute self-enjoyment for me, in combining words and “make them sing”. That is also why I wrote poetry for years. I enjoyed how I could write a poem in “one go” that stood as a wholeness, as one point, yet it was like a creation of tiny parts, like a knitted blanket or a cross-sting image, that I had created through meticulously placing the details and parts together in a pattern. However I also started involving my ego in my writings – where I started writing for others to see, read and applaud my writings.
‘WHO’ I BECAME IN WRITING.
When I was to start deciding what I wanted to be in life, I wanted to become a journalist and I signed up for a course. But when I realized that I could not simply write “freely” without structure and that I actually had to sit down and learn how to write, I quit. I quit on the spot and I never returned to the course. In my mind at the time, I justified that it was because I did not want to fit myself into a mold of the system, that I was a “free spirit” and that the rules that were placed into the journalist program were stupid and unnecessary. My entire romantic idea of what it would be like to be a writer and how I would be appraised by the masses, fell and fell hard – when I realized that I had to put hard work into it, that I could not simply go from where I was, onto a newspaper or a magazine and share myself. I was taking writing (and reading) for granted, because it had been easy for me to learn. Only years later did I come to understand how important these abilities are to be able to support oneself in this world and how I was simply pre-programmed to be good at it, while others were not and had to suffer the consequences.
I refused that I had anything to learn. But really I had created a pattern of refusing and resisting all which I was not immediately good at, a pattern in and through which I could protect my image of myself in my mind and not have to face the fear of not knowing or the uncertainty of a new experience. So I quit writing all together.
For years, all I wrote was letters and papers for my education. I also enjoyed writing papers in school and later in the university. I still enjoyed working with words and “making them sing” – but more than this; writing had become an ego-point where I would write to get good grades, to get appraisal from others and even to see how I could cheat the system by placing the right words, the perfect words that would make the teachers like my work and give me a good grade. I more or less, never really studied in my life. (Or at least, that was how I perceived it) Because everything I did, I would do from the starting-point of being seen as… good, perfect, smart, eloquent, good enough. It was a game I played, but it was also serious – because I had established for myself that as the only way of enjoying myself. I no longer wrote for me or my own self-enjoyment.
So I would read and hear what the teachers wanted and then I would simply do that. I quickly found that there is a standard way of doing things, and if I just did what the teachers expected and added a little extra, I would get good grades. So I did. And this was what I enjoyed about it, manipulating the words to cheat the system (as the teachers and the grading system – but actually I was cheating myself from learning) into believing that I had in fact learned something, and to experience myself as good when I got a good grade.
FAKING IT IS NOT MAKING IT
I did not really learn much through my years at school – I was able to more or less “fake it” all the way up to my last year at university, which I am now at. However – I realize that perhaps this might simply be the standard way of doing things, where one reads a little here and there and then plugs it into a paper to sound smart. So perhaps I was not a cheater after all – or put differently: then entire world is based on faking it. When I started my last year of university, the readings for the courses I have attended have been of a different difficulty level than what I have been used to and I realized for the first time in my life that I couldn’t simply fake my way through it. I realized that I would most definitely fail if I tried. Normally for example, I would not read at all during the course and then in the very end, near the exam, I would read just enough to be able to come off as though I had gotten everything. But now the material was so difficult that I could no longer do that.
THE HOUSE OF CARDS BLOWS AWAY
In this, an entire point started unraveling before my eyes, because what I decided to do then was of course to read the material so that I could make sure that I would at least pass the exams and get my degree. But when I sat down to read, I experienced immense resistance. I felt stupid, I did not understand the words and I simply created one point of procrastination after another. I started realizing this entire pattern of how I have been cheating myself from learning by existing in arrogance since my early childhood in refusal to do things that required hard work or which I was not immediately good at, which was actually based on fear – fear of facing myself, fear of learning something new and being uncertain and not in control of myself. Furthermore I resisted and feared being with myself in silence, in a moment of reading where there was no immediate satisfaction or anyone appraising me – but where I was simply with myself Here, being in the physical body, utilizing eyes and ears and breathing to support myself to learn.
As a child I swallowed books, but only books I enjoyed reading and that interested me. I wanted it all here and now as fast as possible. So I would skip the boring parts and brag about being able to read a book in a couple of hours – because I wasn’t actually reading it! I was swallowing it in one bite without actually chewing each word or slowly integrating what I was reading. ‘Fortunately’ I have a partner that is the exact opposite when it comes to this point. So I would see him, day in and day out sit and read, sometimes for up to eight hours at a time, sometimes even more, simply reading and reading and reading. And I could see how my self-accepted way of living was detrimental. I did not enjoy myself. I did not respect myself. I had absolutely no integrity or respect for what I was reading, for the teacher or myself. It became evident how important it was, when I attended a course in the fall, the first course in the history of my education, where I actually was 100 % here and interested in learning. It was primarily because of the professor that was responsible for the course that as one of the first and only teachers in my life was deeply passionate about her work and deeply respectful for the texts and what she taught. I have been mocking knowledge and information and placed myself as superior to it for all this time – and in reality I feared it, I feared being stupid and not knowing and so I never allowed myself to be humble. So I could see that if I allowed this opportunity to pass me by, that I would be doing myself and everyone else a humongous disservice – that I was disrespectful to life, to myself as life and to everyone else around me.
It has now taken me months to teach myself to discipline myself to actually learn how to read again. But I have actually pushed through it and I have actually started to enjoy myself in the application of myself in and as self-discipline. In simply DOING IT – with no return, no satisfaction, no audience, simply me here reading.
TEACHING MYSELF TO WRITE AGAIN.
So the same point applies in regards to writing – and especially writing ourselves to freedom through, with and within participating with Desteni, whether we are writing for ourselves or on the forum or in the Desteni I Process. In this – I have allowed myself for months to resist writing. But when I started participating with Desteni I really enjoyed it. I enjoyed coming back to writing and start writing again and also expanding myself in this point of enjoying writing. But quickly, exactly as when I was a child, I would write to get attention, to get noticed, to be seen, heard and appraised. At some point I realized that I was not changing – because my writings were not real. I was merely applying the same old trick of a chameleon of seeing what others did and then copying them. But then at some point I could see that people’s writings were changing, they were getting deeper –they were real and mine were not. The solution I eventually found was to write for myself and not share my writings, at least not immediately. It has been a long process of walking through and I am still walking through it – but finally I have brought myself to a point – I have self-willed myself to write without resistance. I am walking the process of removing all energetic reactions to the point of writing, as in the anticipation of a response. After months of resistance and excuses and justifications not to write, I have pushed through and slowly but surely I am bringing myself back to self-enjoyment in writing. And through me enjoying myself in writing, I can start sharing it with others in a completely different way. I am learning and teaching myself how to live without expecting an energetic return of interest.
WRITING THROUGH RESISTANCE.
This is what I have found through walking through the point of resistance to writing:
The mind will resist self-forgiveness and writing, in any and all way possible – until it comes up with a point that you will accept and comply with: fear, tiredness (that is a major one), confusion, unclarity, “this is not working”, “it is too much” – all and anything possible. Why is that? It is because the mind is designed as a self-protection system. All it basically exists as, all it knows, is that it MUST PROTECT itself at all costs.
Therefore – it is crucial that we enable ourselves to identify this and PUSH ourselves to DO IT ANYWAY, to see and recognize “ah okay – it is mind-manipulation. I am manipulating myself here to not face myself” – As you start identifying all these ways that you use to justify not actually facing yourself through writing, it becomes easier to see the next time and the next. Once we start bringing ourselves to self-honesty and self-responsibility, these experiences will dissipate, because we are directing ourselves in saying “I WILL face myself no matter what and I WILL PUSH through God-dammit, whatever it takes!”
DO IT ANYWAY.
Pushing through is not a feeling. It is an act. A physical act. It is the physical act of writing. First it might be scrambled and not so clear, but in that as you push yourself to DO IT ANYWAY – Say “fuck off” to that bully in your head making sweet promises and stabs you in the back (that bully is yourself by the way). You can direct yourself to clarity, realizing that there is only un-clarity because you are not allowing yourself to SEE clearly. It is in fact not unclear. So even though you might not see that now, if you understand that it is so, you can make the decision to bring yourself to clarity. So you support yourself through the knowledge and information as you see it makes sense, to integrate that knowledge and information into and as a living application – and then you can Apply self-forgiveness to release yourself and from there stand up and change how you live.
Reading the blogs of others and seeing how simple it was – how they simple wrote about their day and experiences they had and then accordingly forgave and corrected themselves was very assisting for me, to bring myself out of that entire mind-fuck I had created in a relationship to and towards writing and myself within it. To see that it is not some major accomplishment. It is simply me here, writing myself out, directly and in specificity.
We simply write about what bothers us the most, what we see requires the most immediate attention for us to start walking effectively – and then we write about that, what we see we have allowed, how, when, who we were in that – and what the correction would be. We stick to the physical events, which also include what we were thinking and feeling. When we see that we start “drifting” or are not directing ourselves here in the writing, we gently say/act “stop” and then we bring ourselves back to the point. When we are not used to directing ourselves and instead used to hiding and making excuses, at first directing ourselves is not “beingness” as “whom we are” – it is an action, we must push and direct.
WHAT IS THE STARTING-POINT?
It can be required to first clear our starting-point and make a directive decision about which we are going to be in our writing and how we will direct ourselves. Effective writing does not happen by itself.
For me for example, a point I realized – that I had to realize – was: I don’t want to change. I want to remain like this forever; I don’t give a shit about anyone else. So this was a point of a “dirty, nasty” secret that I had to face myself within in self-honesty, before I could then start looking at: “okay, but why don’t I want to change? Why the fuck would I want to remain like this forever? – “who” is actually speaking here? “Who” am I?”
So then we can start looking at: “Okay my starting-point is not clear – how is it not clear? And how do I change it” – then it is a practical point that can be practically solved – in the physical – and not in the mind. So what I did in changing my starting-point was firstly: I realized that I had to let go of my past mistakes and regrets – simply let it go and allow myself to start afresh, not “knowing” myself – but allowing myself to walk a process of “getting to know” myself. The process of letting the past go is continuous. I stop myself and I stop myself and I stop myself. But every time I stop myself, the “stop” gets easier, clearer, more firm and persistent, because I keep showing myself that I will not accept or allow myself to fuck around with myself. I WILL bring myself to self-honesty, no matter what it takes or how long it takes.
We can only accept ourselves if we make the DECISION to accept ourselves – exactly as we can only NOT accept ourselves, by making the DECISION to not accept ourselves. And in not accepting ourselves, we can justify accepting ourselves to do and live that which is unacceptable and not Best For all. So we can make the DECISION to NOT accept that which is not Best for All. That is Self-Power. We decide.
So – if you are not writing and if you are resisting it, simply start. Stop making excuses and DO IT. Give yourself the gift of learning how to Live effectively by teaching it to yourself. There is lots of support on the forum, on Facebook and on the Destonians network. Learn how to blog and vlog effectively and Give yourself a gift of a life time.
Follow the Freedom Blogs that are published regularly – It is the first and only of its kind of book series, that provides an up-and-close peek into the secrets of humanity – see for yourself how it is possible to write yourself to Freedom
The following are awesome interviews that assist with opening the point of writing up and provide expanded perspectives on what I have discussed here: