April 8, 2012 in Anna's Process Blog
This Easter weekend I gave myself the opportunity to go and see my family for the first time, more or less since before I started participating with Desteni. For years, I have refused to attend family junctions, primarily because of the relationship I have created towards my sister. When I did attend, I would judge my family and when I started participating with Desteni, I feared being contaminated by what I perceived as my family’s fakeness and judgments. Now, I have recently walked a Mind-Construct in the Desteni I Process on my sister, where I walked through my entire life in relationship with my sister, a point that has been emotionally painful for years and in which I had projected extensive blame towards my sister. As I walked through my relationship with my sister, I realized that I was responsible for how I experienced myself in relation to my sister and that I fact had based that relationship on a fake memory from when I was a child, one single memory that I had separated myself from my sister through and within, as I separated myself from myself. Now, the specific reason why I decided to go to this family junction this weekend, was to test my relationship with my sister and see if I had in fact changed – now it was not necessary to actually physically face my sister as the point was not really about her, in the physical, but about the relationship I had created in my mind, actually towards points of and as myself that I had separated myself from and as such projected onto my sister. Yet I had decided when I finished the mind-construct, that if the opportunity emerged for me to meet my sister again, I would embrace it and walk through the resistance and fear I had created towards my experience of myself when I was with my sister.
The primary points I noticed as I met my sister was how comfortable I was being with her and also her children and husband, after years of having been nervous, tense and judgmental and fearful towards them as a whole. But what I started seeing which was even more interesting, was how they were suddenly comfortable being around me. I started noticing how much fear there was in the room and how everyone came with a tense anticipation of being judged and having to compete through knowledge, as I have done equally with them and within myself for years. I experienced it as though they finally felt that they could breathe around me, that they could speak with me. And I realized how extensive my judgment towards them and rejection towards them had been. In all these years where I have been completely preoccupied in my mind with defending myself and seeing myself as a victim of their judgments, I have been the one that has rejected them, judged them, not allowed myself to communicate or be with them. I did not even see them or their experiences within attending these family junctions because I was completely consumed with my own fear. Now i could laugh and relax and not have to participate in the discussions and compete for the knowledge. And when I noticed that I was again judging them for the competition of knowledge, I simply stopped myself. I wanted to run away, but I pushed myself to remain sitting, breathing, looking at them and understanding the situation from their perspective.
What was fascinating about my big “show down” where I was preparing myself to “not react” and to show myself that I had indeed changed, was that a point of intimacy opened up. A point opened up, where I could see that they had experienced themselves being rejected by me and that finally they could be comfortable with me again.
A moment ago I listened to this interview by Bernard, where he says that the people that really always were there for you, but that you did not notice, will “come back” when they see you have changed. That these are the people that were the real point of support. And I am surprised to see that this is in fact my sister, her husband and children. I am surprised because I have rejected them for so many years, believing that I must push them away to “preserve” my own apparent “pureness” instead of realizing that it was me who judged them, me who judged myself, me who created my relationship towards them based on taking points personally and based on fear. So they would not have been able to “come to me” at all, because I was in complete denial of my own responsibility of having created these relationships towards them, with secret fears and desires, that I was hiding myself within and as behind a spiritual self-righteousness – I was hiding fear behind fear.
It is a circle that is complete from the perspective that I have now brought it back to myself. More points emerged that I have been working with through writings and self-forgiveness, in clearly seeing that whatever I experience, it is myself and my self-creation – but this specific point towards my sister was very cool to face and see that it is possible to change – and when changing me and my relationships towards the world, new moments of opportunity arises where these relationships can transform into real living agreements. AND this is only the beginning, a thread that has been untangled or a piece of string on a thread (as the family-system) that has been untangled and through which those participating and having lived submitted to these relationships, can breathe and look each other in the eyes, here in the physical and decide how to live and interact in a way that is in fact Best for All.
There is not a moment to lose or a time to waste. If I can walk through the mess that I have created in my relationship towards my sister, where I have built my entire view of my sister and myself in relation to her upon a fake memory that I created to protect myself as ego – as a child none the less! – then anyone can. It is actually possible to release ourselves from the relationships we have created in our minds towards other people, our families, the system and ourselves – and start living here, in Agreements of what is Best for All Life. Investigate the Desteni I Process and see for yourself how it is possible.